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Married -> baby by someone else
I have been married for 8 years. My husband and I have grown distant over the past 2 years. I started sleeping with someone which I don't believe in, and still can't believe I did it. I fell in love with this other man and he is the father of my newborn. I still love my husband and do not want to hurt him, but I do not want to hurt the other man either. I believe in God and that he doesn't believe in divorce, and the roots of this are so deep now. I would be happier with the other man, but does that matter at this point?
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If you are bearing a child (and you're not planning an abortion), this child will be your primary responsibility from now on. Everything you do, you must put the child before yourself or anyone else. That child needs a father---and if you'd be happier with the father.........then you should probably be with him and help him raise your kid.
I know how important your religion is to you. I used to be a Christian. I'm aware that a Christian God doesn't believe in divorce, but you must make this kind of sacrifice if you're going to take care of the child. From what I remember, if you're sinning for the aid of another person (your child) and you ask Him for forgiveness, He will understand.
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The person below me is right follow YOUR heart.You may love your husband but you don't love him as much as you used to.Theres no point ending it with the man you slept with because you've made a family with him and it would just be selfish on the baby to end that relationship.I think it is time to have a talk with your husband and tell him that you're not happy and you feel it is not working, you also need to tell him about your other relationship and about the baby, you say you love your husband, so tell him the truth he deserves that dosnt he?
You have a new baby and a new love and you have this emotion thats new and you dont feel it with your husband.Theres life in your new relationship.You need to tell your husband gently about it and apologize.For him this may be unforgivable.But you can't go on living a lie and not taking a chance.If none of us took chances where would be in life?If you didnt take a chance with the other man - you'd never you loved him.Tell your husband the truth and the sooner you leave the better, then ask him a few months later that your ready for a divorce.I really hoped I helped.And also remember - your not doing this just for yourself but for that baby too, if i was that baby and I greew up , I'd be really upset if I found out that man wasnt my dad.Its a new life for you and the baby.
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All I have to say is to follow your heart... I am a Catholic and have been brought up by strong religious roots.God forgives, but I also believe that God wants YOU to be happy...I believe that that is why we were put on this Earth..to embrace the ones we love and learn from our mistakes... YOU matter at this point..it may sound selfish right now...but you need to put yourself before... think about the environment the baby will grow up in.... it should be with the real father... and I'm sure if your husband knows that you two have been growing far apart.. then it will come as a BIG surprise,but not so much because there hasn't really been intimacy,do you understand? Hun, you can't fall and not expect if to hurt; or in other words; you can't do something without someone getting hurt.. I know someone will get hurt, but sweetie, He above will see everything...this was meant to happen.. He blessed you with this baby... maybe the guilt will not surpass you but I hope that the joy of the newborn reaches you and illuminates you to see that we are all meant to be with the ones we truly care about.. and I believe that it is not too late for your husband either... because you weren't the one for him...now he shall find his... because you found yours
and the reason why I know that it is always right to follow your heart is because it says so in the bible itself
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.
- Bible, Proverbs (ch. XV, v. 13)
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yes your happiness matters.
if you are happier with that man; then be with him.
Even if you know 100% that the other is the father; you still need to get a paternaty test just to be sure.
because the only way to be 100% sure unless the baby is another race (a.e. you and your husband are white; the baby is african american) then you cannot tell other then not having sex with your husband for a long time; in which case im pretty sure he would know it's not his.
God may not believe in divorce; but he does forgive.
You need to talk to your husband and the other man and find out for sure who's child this is. If you'd be happier with the other man, be with him.
I know this is going to be hard. My mother; sad to say; went through the same thing. She was married to my older sister's father; met my dad; had an affiar that resulted in my big brother. She left her husband; married my dad; and had me. It will be hard but you will get through this.
honesty is the most important thing and you have to find out ( i cannot stress this enough) exactly who's father it is.
Good luck with everything. and if you need ANYTHING feel free to ask back.
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Hi,
The only thing that matters at this point is the truth. It's going to come out sooner or later and it's better coming from you than being found out in another way. What would your husband suspect if he didn't know about the affair and the child didn't look at all like him?
It's best to tell both men the truth as hard as it is for everyone's emotional well-being. Tell your husband that for some time you have not been happy in your marraige and made a horrible mistake by having an affair that may have resulted in your pregnancy.
Tell him you are distraught as you cannot be sure if he or this other man is the father. This will come as a huge blow to him but he needs to know the truth as does the other man. The next thing you need to do is break it off with the other man, seek professional help and try to restore your marraige if at all possible.
The man you cheated with is obviously cheating on someone else and not telling the whole truth. If he's cheating on someone now what is he going to do when he's with you or married to you? You guessed it, the exact same thing. He's likely a serial cheater already.
Before telling either of these men a thing retain the services of a lawyer who can advise you of your options when it comes to a possible divorce and also how to handle determining the paternity of your child and dealing with a possible custody lawsuit for guardianship of said newborn.
It's a tough road to go down but you need to come clean and learn from this. In the event there is a divorce you probably knew that it was a foregone conclusion based on what you outlined and not any one person's fault as you just drifted apart.
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Of course your happiness matters. You have a baby now you must think of the baby's best interest as well as your own.
So you don't believe in cheating but unfortunately in your situation it's happened. This is something that you cannot fix at the moment.
First of all are you 100% sure that this new man is your baby's father??
God may not believe in divorce but god lets everything happen for a reason, maybe you being with this other man is gods way of making you happy?!
I know you don't want to hurt your husband but I don't think you have a choice honey, your husband thinks he's a Daddy. Can you really hide the truth from him? Not to mention how this other man may feel because there is another father figure in his baby's life?
I know that it might be hard and it might destroy some people in the process but you really need to tell your husband! Think long and hard about what you are going to say but you cannot go on with your husband thinking he is a father.
Its not fair to live like that, plus you have to live with it too!!!!!!!
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This may be hard, but my vote is to leave your current husband, because if you've grown distant & it's gotten to the point where you feel something stronger with someone else, you need to listen. Listen to your heart, it's telling you something. Listen to your conscience, it's sending you a message as well. Listen to your instinct, it's telling you something. All of those things telling you something have one thing in common; telling you one thing. You have to figure out what they're telling you because the message is the same and only you can de-code it. I know I sound weird right now but, you hopefully understand my metaphor. Anyway, you have to do what feels right and abandon your fear of losing your husband. Although you need to think this through for a little while, what if he's just a phase? Because sleeping with someone will make you feel attached to that person, but is he in love with you as well? I hope things work out for you, it must be pretty hard. Just know that God is with you when you make your decision!
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your happiness is the only thing that matters. i understand that it is difficult to leave a relationship that has lasted for so long, but if you are happier with the other man you need to be with him. this baby will always be a constant reminder of the other man, and you dont want to resent your current husband. god ment for you to be happy, and to live the greatest life possible. bein with a man that you dont want to be with is not being happy, and the day you die you will regret all of the things that do not make you happy. life is short, it dosent last long. would you really like to use up your life with a man you dont want to be with? i advise you to divorce your current husband, and to be with the fathr of your newborn. i wish you the best of luck
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Well think of what you are doing and you need to follow your heart. I believe in god too and he talks about divorce in the old testament God thinks divorce is wrong but God knows that the world is not perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. So if you do divorce your husband first you need to think about what you are doing really I believe it says that you can divorce your spouse if he either dies or if he like commits adultery. So I would think about what you are doing and really think is this really right. Well I hope this helps!
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Simple:just be fair to your husband and tell him whats going-don't be afraid.
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I know it seems like you've dug yourself in a deep hole, but you can get yourself out.
Im catholic and believe in god as well, and I also know he always forgives if you are truly sorry.
You know deep down that it is not fair to you, or your husband, or the father of you baby that you stay with your husband. He probably already knows something isn't right, and no matter what he will be hurt by what you've done. Dont prolong it and make matters worse by staying in that relationship. He can't move on with his life if you don't let him go, and holding him from his true potential is not what God would want. Marriage is sacred, but when there is no love in it, its not really considered marriage anymore, is it? By now your marriage is just a piece of paper, not both of your hearts.
Think about your child. Should he/she grow up in a home where the parents do not love each other? Where he/she will be subjected to pain and get a bad example of what love really means?
Do what is really best for you and your child and your husband. End this relationship of lies. Even though it seems hard and painful now, it is the right thing to do.
You can see if you can get an anulment in lieu of divorce, but I dont think divorce is a sin if the marriage that binds the couple is no longer a holy matrimony and is not true.
I am only an online advice columnist and cannot make you do anything, but really, just listen to your heart and not your head. Your head over analyzes and makes things sound logical, but your heart can decide whats best for you when it comes to things like this.
Best wishes to you and your family,
-Abby
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Firstly I would like to say follow your heart. Things happend for a certain reason you have a baby by the man you can no longer hide your true feelings tell your husband that the relationship has been over years ago and that you found someone who you actually would love to marry and be with for the rest of your life. I believe God would understand because only God can judge you so stya true to your heart and make the right decisions because you dont wanna hide something that will hold you down for the rest of your life.
I say tell your husband the truth and it will be all better.
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