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Overreacting? Kind of Long.
I'm sorry this is so long, but it's a pretty complicated situation.
Okay, so when my boyfriend and I first starting dating...there was this girl that really liked him and wanted to be with him. My boyfriend told her that he wasn't interested because he was with me and that they just needed to be friends. Well I called him one night and he was somewhere with her 'talking about it in person.' I didn't really think anything of it, and I just forgot about it. Well then he said that they didn't really talk anymore, but she was still texting him and stuff. Well one night my boyfriend and I were together and she kept calling him...still. So I started worrying about it again and I checked his text messages and apparently they had been hanging out still. He had texts from her saying 'Will you drive tonight?' blah blah. I didn't say anything about it because I was ashamed that I had looked through his text messages. Well last night I called him and she was at his house at 11 PM. I didn't overreact at first until I found out that they were in his room. I was mad because he knew I wouldn't be comfortable with that and he still let her come over.
He said that she came over at 11 PM to wish him a happy late birthday and that they were in his room because she was checking her myspace, but it turns out she doesn't even have one.
I'm especially upset because his story doesn't make sense and I know if the tables were turned, he'd be pissed off at me. I don't know what to do. I know we need to talk about it, but I need to know a calm way to do it because I'm very tempermental. What do I say?
18/f. We've only been together for 4 months.
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honestly you cannot even believe how close this story is to the one i have =[ .. and it sucks soo fucking bad!! me and my boyfriend were together for 11 months and we are still together .. she got in the way and made up stuff .. you need to trust him let him know that it bothers you. be honest. tell him you deserve the truth! hope i helped! keep me posted
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hmm sounds hard. maybe you could just tell him that your not comfortable with her being in his room and also that she lied about the my space thing and that made you feel more uncomfortable. be honest with him yes it would hurt if he was doing something but maybe you will find out that they were just hanging out and he thought you would over react..
Heart Broken
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I don't think you're overreacting at all. If I were you in this situation, I'd probably be feeling all the feelings you have right now.
I would just take deep calm breaths and sit down with him privately where you guys can talk. I'd would just be like,"____, I know you might get upset at this, but I think we need to talk about it and clear this whole situation up. I went through your text messages the other day, which is wrong, I know and I feel horrible about it, but I've been noticing you're still talking to ______ and hanging out with her. Why feel the need to talk to her and hang out with her behind my back? I don't care if you too hang out together or anything, but it just hurts that you've been lying to me all this time and you know how uncomfortable I am with you and her being alone together in your room at around midnight. This is really worrying me, and I really want to know what's going on. It sounds to me like you two could be doing more than just hanging out, because it seems suspicious, but I'm just getting really worried and upset about this all."
And like I said, he might get upset over the fact that you went through his text messages and everything, but you have the right to be upset also. He went behind your back, hung out with this girl that you're uncomfortable with, and lied.
And just everytime you feel yourself starting to get more and more upset, just take a pause, take really deep breaths, maybe even bring a tissue with you ( so you can rip it up as your talking to release your anger in SOME way so it's not all bottled up ).
I hope I helped.
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Talk camlmy to him. Ex.
you: i'm not real comfortable about you hanging out with her at such alate time at night... in her room.
him: we were just hanging out.
you: i know and i'm okay with that but maybe we could all hang out together.
him: okay with me.
I'm not sure if thats exactly how the convo is gonna go but... if you do hang out all together than you know that he's not up to anything, and neither is she.
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You have a right to be upset about this and I'm sorry this is happening to you. It seems suspicious and I probably would've checked his phone too. You need to just pull him aside and tell him you need to talk. Tell him your feelings about the situation but in a calm manner and tell him that if it were you doing it you know he'd be mad. This happens a lot with relationships in which a guy or girl has another guy or girl friend. My friend was really close to a guy friend and she had a boyfriend. When her boyfriend found out that they were at the movies together he freaked out and thought it was something more. My friend was torn between the two guys and didn't know what to do. I really wish they could have all stayed friends but in the end she ended up choosing her boyfriend over her best guy friend. So before asking him try to think of the possible outcomes and if it's worth it...cuz anything could happen.
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The best way to do it is to not accuse him of anything. Don't accuse him of lying, and don't tell him what you know. Make him tell you himself. Ask him direct questions. A good first one would be "I'm not stupid, and I'm going to ask you this directly, why are you hiding your relationship with her? I know you hang out and stuff and I'm worried that because you are hiding it that there is more...is there?". "Would you ever cheat on me?" is a good way to start too. It could be that he's worried that you will get jealous of him hanging out with and being friends with her and there really isn't anything going on. Keep that in mind. It's always good to give your guy the benefit of the doubt. However, if you tread lightly, he will too, and he probably won't tell you anything. You can't give him the benefit of the doubt if you ask him a direct question and he lies. If he doesn't tell you right away, get more and more direct with him. Ask him directly if he's more than just friends with her and such. Ask him what he was doing such and such a night. It doesn't matter what tone you use, just as long as you aren't yelling, accusatory, or sarcastic. You can sound disappointed, angry, or even slightly mean. You can make it sound like you know, but avoid admitting that you do. If he doesn't offer up the information, let it go for a few days. If he still hasn't told you, tell him what you found out and see if he'll admit to it then. Any way you look at it, you're probably going to end up breaking up with him. Try to prepare ahead of time so that when it happens you don't lose your cool. I'm really sorry that this is happening to you and good luck.
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