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Suporrting my daughter.
I am a 35/f whose teenage daughter has been living with her father for most of her life.
When her father and I divorced it was decided she would live there because I wasn’t financially stable enough to give her a comfortable year-round home but she has always spent most of the summer with me.
While things have changed a lot now. I make a good deal more money, pay child support and have a much more comfortable home for her. She’s decided she wants to move in with me for the rest of high school because the high school in my area has a much better art classes and several of her friends attend it.
I’m delighted of course, the thing is, she is afraid to tell her father about this decision. She says she’s mentioned maybe moving in with me before, and it’s upset him or he has taken it as a joke. She has asked me to come over and be with her as she discusses the move with her father.
So my question is: Should I be there while she tells her father she has chosen to live with me next school year? I want to be there for her, but I don’t want her father to feel threatened or ganged up on. Part of me thinks she is old enough to be able to talk to her dad about this herself (I’m sure he’ll be a bit hurt, but he isn’t an ogre or anything, he wont go nuts.) So I’m quite torn, please advise.
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I think standing in front of him with your daughter while she tells him this news would not be good. Have you considered having her call him while she is at your house so that she has your support and everyone can talk but its not so "in your face"?
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Your in a tough spot, wanting to support your daughter while not undermining her father. Here is what I would suggest I would advise your daughter to talk to her dad first and do it in a way where she is talking to him in a calm and mature way explaining her reasons. Having her write down what she plans on saying so she doesn't forget things is a good idea too. I would then follow it up with a phone call from you to her father to set up a face to face to discuss the details.
He won't be happy about it but as you said he is not an ogre. As a parent all he wants is his daughters happiness as do you.
Good Luck, hope this helped.
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The important thing here is your daughter's happiness, not your's or her father's. If she wants to move in with you, then I feel like she has to be mature about it and tell her pops straight up without you there. If he hasn't been a bad father, then she has to make that clear to him, or he's gunna think that. He hasn't taken it as a joke, he's probably taken it very serious, but men tend to not show when they're shaken like that. Bottom line:After she has a long talk with him and all the reasons are out why she wants to move in with you,it'll be ok. If he loves her, he wants her to be happy no matter what. If he sees that she is indeed happy, then he won't be upset.
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This is a very complicated situation, but you are right when you say that you think she's old enough to discuss her decision with him by herself. I think that if she just sits down with him and lets him know that she wants to go back to living with you like it was, then he'll probably understand that. If he takes it offensively, then that is something he will have to deal with because if he really loves your daughter, then he'll support that decision and look out for what is best for her and he won't even mention if his feelings are hurt.
Explain to your daughter that she can let him know privately what's going on with her decisions without you tagging along. If she seems too afraid of his reaction, then it wouldn't hurt to sit there by her as she explains. Whatever you do, just try to make things easy for your daughter and her father. Keep taking responsibilities as a mother and do what your instincts tell you.
-TheTeenGirl
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my parents are divorced as well, and i know that when i decided to move in with my dad, telling my mom was really tough, but it was easier with my dad being there.
he didnt really say much, but knowning he was there made it easier
let her do most of the talking, but if you feel the need to say something, do.
although, being able to tell my mom that wasnt as tough, seeing as how she lives only 2 miles from my father, how far away you and your ex husband live from each other might make it harder, but just remind him that he will still see her plenty and things like that.
i hope it helped and that everything works out : )
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My mom and dad are divorced also so I know where ur comin from. I think that your daughter is old enough to tell him but you might want to be there afterward to work everything out. If he doesn't want her to stay the whole year so you guys can switch off like for the holidays and the summers. Also you should be there just in case she gets nervous to tell him alone. Be sure to get the facts straight though. If you dont tell him that it is because of her education and social life he might get even more hurt. I know that you don't have to listen to a 13 year old but just remember to only do what would make your child happy.
Good Luck in this Decision
~Steph~
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The earlier Columnists are right: let your daughter tell him yourself. But remind her to tell him that she wants to live with you however she still cares for her father and would really like to visit often as she can. Yeah, he will be a bit hurt, but it will be nothing to worry about. Sooner or later he will understand that your daughter wants to live with you because of the good school opportunities and the friends she has, and that she will be happy there.
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I think you should sit down there. tell him the reason that she wants to move in with you in till high school is over im sure he will understand. if he knows and under stands the situation. Good Luck
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I have never found myself in this situation but my sister went thru this with my mom and dad when she was younger. I don't think that you should be there at first. I agree that he will feel threatened by this. I think that to much at once is a bad thing for this type of situation. And that he will feel you are there to insure that she moves in with you and there might be a fight. I think that she needs to sit down with him and express her feelings to move in with you. If i were her I wouldnt tell him that it was a fianl decision at the time but just so that she get get the conversation about the subject started. I would tell him that I had lived with him x amount of years and would like to spend the remaining time with my mother. She should bring up the invite at that time to have you 3 talk together about the situaiton to see how he will react. He will either disagree or agree. If he agrees then you can all 3 talk if he disagrees then if i were you I would have a sit down with him and tell him how you felt about it without her around of course. I think if you seperate it at first and invite together later or just talk in seperate parties there will be a better outcome. I hope this is of some help to you.
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I think you should be there if you really love her.
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I really think you should let her do it herself.
It is her decision not yours, and you don't want him thinking otherwise.
I think if she explains why he will be upset at first but will probably eventually understand it.
He will no doubt be hurt by it but he'll survive.
She will probably have some feelings of hurt as well. Making your own decisions and living with the consequences are part of growing up. She will survive as well! :)
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