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How Do I Help an Agoraphobic?
My sister is the youngest in our family and suffers from depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, she also suffers from agoraphobia and has been housebound for over six years. She still lives at home with our mom who seems to be enabling her condition. (My mother is separated from my dad and would otherwise be alone in the house.)
Although I live a fair distance away, I try to go over when I can and get my sister out of the house by taking her to the store. But otherwise, she doesn't bother going out. I have a couple of other siblings who are of no help.
Additionally, as my husband and I get closer to retirement age, he is starting to get concerned that once my mom passes away, that my sister will become my responsbility.
My question is how (and if) we should get her to take that first step towards recovery. I know from personal experience that one must actually WANT to get well before actually doing so. However, it's been a LONG TIME now and doesn't seem to be taking an steps toward recovery. (She's refused all offers of counseling.)
Any ideas you can give me would be much appreciated.
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I think you are really on to something when you say you believe your mother is enabling your sister. Agoraphobia is caused by abuse and even though we often don't think of overprotectiveness or related actions as abuse, they can be the most debilitating and manipulative.
I agree that therapy is the most effective. Maybe you could offer her therapy in a manner that doesn't continue to debilitate her (I know you mean well, though). For example, you could tell her you need some work done - obviously something that she can do from her home - and you are wondering if she would like to trade for therapy or you could pay her. Even if you paid her, she might begin to respond to that and it may begin to make her feel confident in herself.
And just love her for who she is also. People with disabilities don't respond well to always having people talk down to them. I'm sure you don't mean to. If someone was missing a leg, you aren't going to keep bringing it up.
Maybe just call her to say hello and tell her you love her, unconditionally. Don't expect her to change for your husband sake. It must be very painful for your sister to know or feel that she needs to change so your husband is comfortable. That will make her worse too. What will make her better is knowing you care about her mental health for her and not for your husband or subsequently for your own comfort.
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Hi, being an agoraphobic myself, i know how hard it must be for your sister.Although I am battling this fear now, i was totally housebound for 4 years. Being so icolated for so long has left me with a huge social phobia and during those times i was so depressed which of course left me unmotivated.
Your sister will be feeling so depressed and alone, So although she'll want to be living a "normal" life she wont have the motivation to do so. it's such a vicious circle.
When i became agoraphobic i just sat in my bedrom for years just waiting to get better and the harsh reality is, thats not going to happen.
She has a long road ahead of her but she can get through this. Although i still panic when i'm out, i've got to the stage where i WANT to go out and i ask for my boyfriend (who is my support person) to take me out.
I have an agoraphobia diary online which i wrote for my first steps out in january and everyday since i've been out (although it does need updating now). i wrote it so other agoraphbia sufferers know exactly what steps i took and how far you can progress if you really try.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
i also have an action plan that me and my boyfriend worked out to help me beat this fear. I've stuck to it and it's working. i started trying to beat this fear in january and i have come such a long way since.
It's quite long so if you could send me your email address then i will email it to you along with some support groups and my diary. if your sister sticks to it and really works hard then she can beat this, but she really needs to put all her effort into it if she's going to live more of a "normal" life.
*I know someone below has said take her to a shop or a resturaunt but this should NOT be done. This is only going to make everything so much worse.
You build upto the the big scary stuff, i'm still panicy in shops, sometimes i can manage but other times it's just too much.
Going straight from being housebound and having panick attacks at just the though of going outside, then going into a shop is not going to happen.
She needs to take little baby steps to start with. Otherwise she'll never make progress throwing her straight in at the deep end. it's a gradual process.
Also, people telling you how much your missing out on life adds to the depression. i got suisdal because i was so depressed about being stuck inside and being alone and missing out, people telling me just how much i was missing out made the depression loads worse because i already knew that, and people telling me these things who dont understand what agoraphobia is and how it affects a person make me feel so much worse. i just used to think "you haven't got a clue how i'm feeling, you've never been through this", it's not just scared of going outside, it's extreme panic that makes you feel so ill even just thinking about it. Plus the extreme depression, suisidal thoughts and huge social phobia, it's just like an impossible task and the loneliest feeling ever.
Click on the bit that says ask me a question and tell me your email addy and i'll send you the plan i stuck to, and maybe if you or your sister would like to chat to me about the agoraphobia then i could send my msn addy to you too.
love alison xxx
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I have a friend that suffers from agoraphobia as well. And she tells me at [most times] it's hard to get out of house. She has a big fear of getting out, but she needs comfort of her family to be there with her.
Tell her that there are so many opportunities just outside of the house, and tell her it's ok to be afraid but she can't go her whole life staying in a safety zone. Try to give her support. And without counseling it could take her weeks, months, or even years to make some kind of progress.
Try taking her out to the store. Something simple and not-so-far away. Even some convenience store up the street would be a great start. Even better.. your backyard. Take her out there for awhile and see how she likes to spend the outdoors. Or take her to a nice restaurant for awhile.
Other options would be to encourage her about the idea of getting out. Like I said earlier, give her advantages of going outside. She could do so many things, and tell her if she goes outside for a few minutes each day, eventually she can live independentally and won't have to hold herself captive in a house.
Also, medication for her anxiety would help as well, if she has prescription, make sure she takes it before attempting to take her outside. And same for depression. If you do not have prescription. You can find over-the-counter medication to relieve anxiety. Here is a website on anxiety and how to help people with it, and it also offers medicine you can buy online ([Link](Mouse over link to see full location)).
Here are some helpful websites about your situation:
1) [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
2) [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
3) [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Just don't give up on her. My friend may have it but she finds the courage inside of her, and steps out, and tells me just taking the risk is worth it. Just remember to encourage her and help her take the risk. Some times she may refuse to, but convince her to.
Hopefully I helped. If you have any more questions or concerns, feel free to leave me a message. Good luck =)
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You really are in a tough position. If however you are able to get your sister to the store she is in a better position then you think. If she is willing to go out at all then she is able to deal with hear anxiety and fear somewhat.
The first step you need to make is to talk to your mother, explain that your sister will not leave her but that she needs to start getting out. Explain to her the issues that will arise after she dies. If you can get your mother to sign on to the plan to support getting your sister out that would also be a big help. Whether or not you mother aggrees to help you should go to a community mental health agency, and ask their advice.
At the end of the day though this is your sister and you cannot be your sister's keeper, if she refuses all help then there is not alot you can do. Keep encouraging her to get out but you can't force her. Just letting her know she is loved is often all you can do.
Hope this helped.
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I definitly agree with you that you need to want to get better before you do it. 100% because you are right. I think you need to motivate your sister and slowly try to show her the world, getting her out, tell her how much it would mean to you. Its really hard I guess, if shes refused counseling.. it makes the whole situation even more difficult. Well explain to her that she can get better, paint a picture of how her life could be if she went to counsuling sometimes thats irrisitiable.
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