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Possessive and Jealous boyfriend
Hi,
I'm with my boyfriend for close to 4 years now. We met when I was 15 years old and been dating more on and then off. We've had our fair share of problems; my parents didn't approove of him before 1 year ago (he was into drugs, blablabla.). Anywho, we've been on now for more than a year but have serious issues.
When he broke up with me at first, we both went with someone else. Thing is, when he asked me if I'd been with anyone else, I told him the truth. When I asked him tho, he denied it until 2 years AFTER, when I found out by someone else. That really hurt me and affected my trust issues with him.
Now, he's turn into this big possessive guy. Meaning, I can't even talk to guys when he's around or else he freaks out. He says I flirt with eveyrbody but I've always been social even when I was without him. I feel like I'm ignoring a ton of people whenever he's around because I don't want to get him mad. If I talk to a guy ( A FRIEND ), he gives me these dirty looks that make me feel very unconfortable. Once, I was talking to a 30year old man, we were kidding around and my boyfriend got really mad so I stopped talking to that man for the whole weekend. My boyfriend, although, receives phonecalls from one of his 'female friends' almost twice a week but I can't say anything about that. She's only his friend (I'm sure, too) but it bothers me also. Whatever he does, it's always less important than what I do. I talk to a guy and it's the end of the world but when he talks to a girl, I can't say anything or else we get into an argument.
We argue almost every week but I really love him - he's my first real love. He doesn't like when I go out with the girls into bars or that I dance at a club because he says I want some attention and I shouldn't want some since I'm with him. When I dance or go out, it's certainly not to cheat on him or to flirt and I need to reassure him every time. I can't chat on MSN because he get's paranoid that I might be two-timing him and that I might find someone else... (I still do it but without him knowing it.) Once, I wore a padded bra and he found out and wasn't happy about it. He just doesn't understand why I would want to wear it but I don't see anything wrong with it - I didn't even have a cleavage with that shirt. Also, he doesn't like me to wear low shirts or short shorts.. that I can understand.
He says he reacts that way about guys, clothes, whatever because he's scared of loosing me and he doesn't want me to go with anyone else. By the way he's acting... it isn't going well.
We've had some deep discussions about that and we always agree that we'd both change.... but that's what we do. We fight - we talk - we make up and then it starts over again.
I don't wanna end my relationship with him - I truly love him... but I need some advice.
I'm afraid his jealousy will tear us apart...
Tell me what I should do!!!
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I read this question about 6 times before I could even come up with a pigment of advice. The conclusion I have come up with isn't that great. It's pretty simple, but it's the truth.
You've been dating this boy for what, over 4 years? That's a long time, which usually means there will be some fighting and bickering during this time. It's normal in all relationships. It's really easy to get sick of someone when you've been dating that long, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you would have said everything you said up there, without mentioning the fact that you have been dating for 4 years, I would have told you to dump him. But I know all real long term relationships have their ups and downs and this could just be a pothole in the road to happiness. [that was so corny, please ignore that] :)
It's not a good sign that he lied to you about being with another woman. It's actually a really bad sign as a matter of fact. But he could have just been afraid to tell you. He sounds rather insecure if you ask me. He's probably afraid that you will find someone better, and it scares him to think about. A lot of guys are jealous about their girlfriend's talking to other guys and it's normal. You just need to explain to him how much you love him and that you need him to trust you. Tell him it's really important to you to keep all of your friends. Girls & Boys while still having a wonderful relationship with the boy of your dreams. You need to explain to him that it's not fair that he can talk to girls and you can't talk to guys. It's simply not fair. You are letting him take advantage of you, and that's not a good way to start off a relationship that's getting way serious.
You guys need to come up with a solution. There are two options.
1. Neither one of you can ever talk to another girl or another boy ever again.
2. You can both talk to your girl friends and boy friends and keep each others trust.
I like the second choice better, don't you?
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If you really love him, I think you should stay with him. but if this happends ALL THE TIME i think you should have a serios talk with him. because he shouldnt get mad when you go out into clubs, and hang out with your friends. Or when you talk in MSN because, your probably just talking 2 FRIENDS. If he really loves you, he'll let you do those things. but when he gets mad cuz your hanging out with other guys, guys get mad because they think your going 2 break up wit them. but he just doesnt want 2 lose you. So talk 2 him, and tell him your the only guy for me dont worry, those other guys are just my friends, and ONLY MY FRIENDS. If you cant trust me, maybe we shouldnt be 2gether, but I really care about u. If that doest work maybe you should break up with him.
~Lucky
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just talk 2 him and if that dont work out break up with him
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Wow, I am not sure you are going to like or agree with my solution/advice, but just hear me out--if you really want some help on this. First of all, I use to be in almost the EXACT type of relationship you are in now. I know 4 years is a long time and you love him--a first love is hard to part from and we tend to give them more chances because of the amazing feelings we think we may have. I think it's a good start that you are not naiive to your boyfriend's ways. With that said, aside from the arguing (which could basically be nothing more than running in circles with him) I don't really think you are being proactive to the relationship. I mean, yes you can tell him what hurts you and how you feel--and that's important. Communication is key. But, if you don't reprimand or sometimes give only a few options, nothing will change. It is hard for people to change--especially for others, unless THEY want to for THEMSELVES. With such a long relationship at this age it's SO easy to get in that vicious cycle of back and forth on again, off again. I know it's tough, but sometimes you have to learn to have a backbone (with him). You have to ask yourself, if you had a daughter, would you want/allow her to date a guy that treated her like that? I doubt it. Same goes for if you had a son--would you want/allow him to treat a girlfriend that way? NO. Another thing to consider, about the parent's opinion on him. Whether you like it or want to admit it--they're usually always right. It's kind of like that been there, done that. I know it probably seems like I am rambling on, but I truly believe you need to hear all of this in order to really grasp things. Deception can't be in a lasting relationship. He needs to resepct you and tell you the truth. If he's this possesive and controlling NOW what do you think he'll be like when y'all have been together even longer. He continues NOT to change, because you aren't putting your foot down the right way--so he's going to repeat because he knows he can take advantage of your "love" for him and get away with anything. That's not right. At all. Stand up for yourself. Love is suppose to lift you up, not drag you down. Stop making excuses for why the way things are. Make changes. Don't wait for them to happen. I think it would be in your best interest (since civilized talking doesn't work) to give him only ONE option at this time. Tell him you are leaving him--at least until he can make a complete change for the better. Express to him EVERY little thing that bothers you and hurts you and that you want to be different. Make it very clear. Once you have done that, distance yourself. No phone calls. No hanging out/hooking up. No IMS. No emails. Chances are, he'll try to get ahold of you. Stand your ground. You are stronger than you think. If you allow a sufficient time to really hae him come around and understand the effects of what he has done to you, then you can CONSIDER reconciling with him. You may feel differently after all this. In the mean time--live your life for you. Don't be hung up on this. Go out with the girls. Dance. Smile. Laugh. Be you. Be liberated from something you should NEVER be controlled by. If there is anything else you want to know/hear, don't hesitate to ask. :)
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