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Problems with Friends boyfriend
I am looking for some advice on what to do about this situation. I am in my mid 20's and have a friend who lives with her boyfriend. She pays about 80 percent of all the bills-and works two jobs to do it. The problem is taht her boyfriend is always putting her down and calling her names. There have been a cople of times where he completely explodes at her for some stupid reason and they get into a huge fight where she ends up crying. This happened the other night and she let it out that he has hit her before. After these kinds of fights I have the usual talk with her and tell her that she needs to get rid of him, that she can do better, and doesn't deserve this treatment. The thing is, the next day she will act like nothing has happened and it's never mentioned again.
The thing is, I really don't know what my place is in all of this. My mom said I should mind my own business and that it must not bother her if she hasn't left in the 3 years they have been together and my brother said I should just leave so I don't end up getting hurt. But this is my best friend and I hate to just sit by and see her put up with this. I can't believe that she can just forgive him for how he acts because I certainly can't and it just makes me seem like a jerk! What should I do?
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There's not a lot you can do unfortunately. When someone has been in an abusive relationship for a while, their self esteem and confidence is ground down so much that they end up thinking that the person they're with is right, that they're not worth anything, they are useless and they are lucky that the partner has stayed with them because no one else would have them. Actually it's usually the abusive partner that is insecure, afraid their partner will leave them and would have problems finding someone else to take them. In some weird way though, this makes them hit out more, almost as though they are trying to ignore this fact and proving that despite everything, the partner wants to stay, and validating their insecurities.
All this is very tough on friends and families who have to watch all this go on and knowing they can do nothing to help. The situation will not get better but she won't listen to that, all you can do is to tell her that although you don't understand why such funny, smart, hard working etc, etc (fill in your own compliments) person would want to stay in an abusive relationship, and you find it hard to watch her, you will always be there for her and she can come to you at any time when she wants out. At some point, if he hasn't done it already, he is going to hit her, this could be the moment that she realises she is better than this and need your help.
You are most certainly not a jerk and she is very lucky to have such a good friend. Don't abandon her, but maybe step back a little for your own sake, just let her know the reasons and enforce that you are ALWAYS there for her. Good luck, hope that helps and if you need any more help or support, or just someone to sound off to, I am happy to oblige.
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ive heard of some cases were people allowed abusive behaviour to happen to friends because of the fear of losing the friendship...thats all fine and dandy but in every case the extent of the abuse escalated into death threats and such and eventually death.
Now im not saying this will be the case here, all im saying is give it some real thought, your friends life could very well depend on the actions you choose or choose not to take. Get somebody involved, her parents, brothers, anyone....and if push comes to shove get the police in all of this...maybe the friendship will be over but at least you will know that she will be safe.
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Congratulations on being such a good friend.Your friend is afraid if letting him.I think that she understands that he is not right and that she shouldn't be with him but she just does not take the right decision.
Talk about it wuth her when everything is normal.If everything is fine now, talk about it with her and remind her all these things that he has done to her...Remind her all these times she was crying and remind her, her own words...Explain her that he does not respect her.Tell her that if he would really love her, he would behave better(for sure).If it is neccessary, tell her things that would hurt her.MAKE her understand.Maybe now, she will not understand your help but in the future she will adore you.
i hope i helped...
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Well hun, in these kind of situations all you really can do is be her friend. Be there for her when she needs you and listen to what she has to say. Then when she asks something like what should I do or help me, something of that nature tell her your opinion. That can not hurt anyone and your then are not butting into her personal life. She might not listen the first couple of times you tell her this, but if this happens often she will get sick of this relationship and fighting and take your advice. All you can do right now is just be there for her and help her in her times of need. Please if you need anymore advice or just would like to talk about things, feel free to send something to my inbox. Hope I helped you!!
Love meggs
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Unfortunatly there isn't much that you can do about this except to keep telling her to leave her boyfriend when she comes to you for help.
A lot of people don't understand how girls can give in to this kind of behavior, I don't even understand. But, the thing is that she is really into this guy, they've been together for at least 3 years now. And so she can't really see herself without him because it wouldn't feel right, so this just makes her think that it's ok for him to have outbursts and freak out on her even though it's absolutely not.
I know it's hard to have to see your friend keep acting like everything is just fine the next day and then get hurt again but she is the only one who can get herself out of this. The only way she'll get out is if she starts to understand that she is really disrespecting herself and deserves a lot better than this guy. Right now she's just going back and forth with this guy. He hurts her, she cries, he says he's sorry, she comes back and everything is good. Soon, she'll start to notice a pattern going, and it could be a lot longer for her to notice. It may even take marriage to make her see.
If you do really want to take action with this, I only see it as taking legal action. Like if you were to turn in her boyfriend for abuse. But, I think that would cause a lot of conflict with you and your best friend. The next time she's crying and confiding in you, try to explain to her that you are really concerned about this situation and you don't want to see her like this anymore. Try and reason with her, she probably won't see it your way. But, just tell her that if she really had respect for herself, she wouldn't be letting this happen. And try to let her know that if she decides to leave him that she can stay with you for a while to cope or something.
-TheTeenGirl
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