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Can I snub my entire family at my wedding?
My boyfriend and I are making wedding plans and we're debating whether to invite any of my relatives. You see, my entire family, with the (possible) exception of my father, loathes my boyfriend and makes no secret of it. Throughout my four-year relationship with him various relatives of mine have talked about him behind his back, illegally looked up confidential information about him and spread it around, made up outright lies about him in an effort to alienate me from him (my favorite slander was that he was riddled with VD and lying to me about it), and basically tried to ruin his career and his life. My mother admitted to me that she "hated" him -- I invited him to a family Christmas party a few years ago and he was told to "get lost" and was all but thrown out of the house.
Naturally, I don't really care to have these people witness our marriage. Certainly my boyfriend doesn't want it. He ought to be nominated for sainthood for being civil to them all this time, even when they were insulting him to his face. But he doesn't like their actions any more than I do.
The thing is, though, my family hates my boyfriend and not me. They adore me -- they just express their love in a very destructive way. I know if I refused to invite the lot to the wedding, they would be deeply hurt by the slight and would probably never forgive me. One solution is to elope, thereby inviting no one. But my boyfriend's family has been wonderfully supportive and we want them to witness our nuptials.
Part of me thinks: who cares if I hurt my family, they've hurt me horribly by their cruel behavior over the last four years. But I am not without heart and, as I said, they do love me. Just in the wrong way.
Do I invite them and hope they are nice when they show up, or do I not invite any of them, thereby assuring their hurt and consequent complaints for decades?
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So you want to invite them so you don't feel the guilt of forcefully cutting them out of your life, but you don't want them to show up?
If you choose to invite them or not, you have to explain to them why you are doing what you are doing.
If you want them to come to the wedding, you need to tell them that although they strongly disapprove of the groom, the ceremony is for the two of you, and they need to respect that. It's their right to hate him if they so choose, but they just need to keep their mouths shut about it.
If they can't do the former, or you outright decide to not invite them, then you are absolutely obligated to tell them why they won't be getting invites. If they don't have respect for you and your decisions, then they have no right to be present that day. If all your family will do is loathe the celebration, then why invite them in the first place?
I would try the first option and see how receptive they are to the idea. If you feel that they just won't be able to grit their teeth through the day, then you need to tell them that they are not welcome to ruin it.
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Wow, this is tough. Naturally, I wouldn't care so much if my family didn't like my boyfriend, because personally, I have to be with him, not them, so it's not my problem.
But, this is you. Well, since your dad seems to have no problem with your boyfriend, talk to him about it. Tell him that you're considering not inviding the family because they've hurt you & the person you love so much, and you have no idea what they'd do at the wedding.
Personally, I'd invite them but, then just think, when the priest says "If anyone has any reason why the two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace," they might just say something. And that's the thing I'd be scared of.
But, if you want, you can elope and do your reception privately.
I'd invite them though. I'd be hurt if someone in my family got married and didn't invite me. =[
&TiNA;
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If this were me, I'd elope too. Don't give them an opportunity to cause you more pain. Have a private reception at another time and invite only those who can be respectful of your decision. I realize that your family probably does love you so in that case they will have to accept your decision in order to continue ties with you.
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Your fiancee is a real sweetheart :) But wow, you've got a tough situation on your hands. You said your dad might be a possible exception to rest of your family's behavior. I think maybe you should talk to him and tell him that because of your family's behavior over the past few years, you're considering not inviting them to your wedding. I know this could be a difficult conversation, but tell him how much your family's actions and attitudes towards the person you love has hurt you, and that you know that they love you, but you're making your own decisions and you're making the right decisions for yourself, and they don't need to protect you or to interfere. Tell him that it would be really special to you if you could invite them and they could witness your wedding, but not if they're going to cause any kind of scene or act innappropriately towards your fiancee.
I think if you share your feelings with your father, he might talk to your mom at least, and she might see that if nothing else, she can come to the wedding to support you and your special day.
If you do decide to invite your family, I would keep it small, parents, brothers or sisters if you have any, and maybe grandparents. But make it clear to everyone that you won't tolerate the types of things they've been doing for the last four years at your wedding.
Hope everything goes alright for you!
Love,
Nevaeh314
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I think YoungGrandma has it totally right. If and when you do talk to your family I'd advise you do it without your fiance there so they cannot avoid the issue by turning their attention to insulting him and that you are prepared to be strong and calm.
It's pretty likely from what you've said that they may try to turn the conversation to throwing reasons why you should not marry him at you, so you'll need to make it clear that this is going to happen and that though you love them and know they love you, all you are interested in is a simple "yes" or "no" answer- Can they be civil, if not pleasant, for this one day of yours?
Best of luck and have a great day
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You have a real sweetheart. You really know he loves you don't you? That is great.
I'd elope. But that's just me and what I would do even in the best of situations. So I can't be objective enough about that.
I do have some thoughts for you. You can do with them what you like. :)
Your wedding day is all about you guys. It is your day. It should be special. You want it to be memorable, but not for all the wrong reasons.
I think you should meet with any close relatives you would invite individually. Including your parents.
You tell them you are marrying this man who you love. He has shown his love for you by putting up with their bullshit for your sake. Tell them you want to know right now before you waste any time, Can you come to my wedding and act civilised? Tell them to be very honest about their answers.
Let them know that if they can't, much as it will hurt you, you will NOT ruin you and your husbands wedding day by constantly worrying what is going on behind your backs. So if they can't behave, you will regretfully, be unable to have them at your wedding. Let them know this is YOUR decision and not your fiances. No sense in giving them more ammo.
You should feel better since you gave them the opportunity to be civilised even if only for a day. They need not hold it against you since the decision is basically theirs to make.
If you think they may pull something, have a couple of large friends keep an eye on the situation in a nice way and put the brakes on it before you even notice!
Congratulations & Have a beautiful wedding. :)
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You are in quite the bind and I certainly don't feel like I can offer you a nice clean solution, but here are my thoughts:
If you really feel you cannot elope (which seems like the tidiest solution to me) then you might try to keep the wedding guest lists very very small, say only immediate family: parents, maybe siblings and a few very close friends. All told thirty or forty people. Justify it however you will, the snubbed family members wont feel so snubbed if they understand your desire to keep it small.
Without their whole gang of fiance-haters and outnumbered by people who are genuinely happy for you both, your closest family members might be inspired (with your encouragement) to behave themselves.
If it were my family, I wouldn't choose to not invite them to the wedding. I couldn't take the lifetime of reprisals that would follow. I think it will be as bad for you as it will be bad for you fiance; he is the one who is probably going to be blamed the most if you don't invite them. Also, not inviting them puts you in the position of being the 'bad guy' where as, if you do invite them and they a.) Choose not to attend or b.) Behave badly, you will at least be secure in the knowledge you took the high road and can treat them accordingly.
But please, do not to invite them and just *hope* that they behave. Explain to them they are invited with the expectation that they behave. You have the right to expect that much! I would put it this way "I want my wedding day to be a celebration of our love for each other, if you feel that isn't something you can celebrate you don't need to come. I want this to be a happy day for everyone, don't feel you need to attend if you are going to be miserable about the whole thing."
Congratulations and Good Luck.
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