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Finding a Man
Here is my problem. I am gay but I dont know how to ask guys out. I am always so afriad of what they might do.(e.i. gay bashing, beat me up,) So I just admire guys from a far and never talk to them and so then I end up unfufilled and emotionally drianed. Because I dont know how to talk to them. It is totally different if they come up to me or if a friend introduces them to me then I can usually be my charming self. But I just feel like something's wrong when I am in a gay bar for almost a week straight and I dont get hit on by anyone. So how do I talk to guys and how do I get over my fears?
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This is a very good question. I am glad you asked it.
There is nothing wrong with you when you are at a gay bar (Smut Central) and you don't get picked up. Different people go to different gay bars for different reasons.
I am alot like you. I am much more comfortable being persued than doing the persuing. Who isn't, really? The people that who have no problem approaching others are those that have done it many times. When you say that you are "afraid of what they might do (ie gay bashing)" this does not apply at a gay bar. At gay bars you are free to just be. I imagine that you are just nervous and/or scared of rejection or humiliation. Lets face it, gay people often are cruel to each other. Its funny how the picked on often find someone lower in their opinion to pick on. I've been judged negatively by gay men many times! Or should I say ALL the time. It sucks.
My advice to you is to check yourself. Be the better man. When you approach someone in any social situation it is done with confidence and interest. "I know that I am amazing, and if they don't like me, it is their loss". Try to genuinely believe this. I know it sounds like a way overused phrase but, if you don't like yourself - who will? You know that after you've made the initial introduction you are charming. Its just stepping out of yourself that first time that is so difficult. Learn who you are, what makes you tick, and accentuate all your positives. Believe you are worthy. Confidence is sexy, as long as it is not false. Maybe find a trusted faghag (female friend) to go to a bar with you and meet men together if it'll make you more comfortable at first.
Outside of the sanctity of the bar is much more difficult, I feel. Join some social groups, or find some high traffic social areas like a coffee house or maybe a rec center. If you live in an urban area, most areas have social groups designed for gay men like you.
For me, I work out, not to look good for others, but to feel good about myself. I have found that the best way of combating insecure, judgemental people is to be secure in myself and never judge a book by its cover. If upon reading that book I discover the book is bad, I set it aside and move on.
I hope it helps. Good luck.
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If you're in a gay bar and not getting hit on, why not try hitting on someone else? Take some responsibility for yor own happiness - choosing who you speak to at least guarantees you'll be chatting with men you find attractive.
And if bars aren't your scene, there are other options. Gay-only clubs in the arts, sports, religions, etc exist in most places. You can find out about them via the internet or buying a local gay magazine or newspaper. There's also the possibility of placing personal ads.
People have very good antenna. If you're sending out vibes of insecurity and anxiety, people will pick up on that and steer clear of you. The best way to combat this is to find an arena you feel genuinely comfortable in, as this will relax you and make you more approachable!
Best of luck.
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Only insanely ignorant people bash gays. There are some, but most people are kinda cool. I know it doesn't seem that way because of Bush and how he wants to ban gay marriages. But who cares what he says, really. He's an asshole. All you need to do, is get over your fear. Go to a gay bar. You can meet tons of gays. I think it'd make it easier. I guess, guys don't hit on you because they maybe have the same problem - they're too shy. Break the ice.
&TiNA;
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well obviously, all guys aren't all gay so you have to be cautious on who you approach. going to a gay bar is not a bad idea because there would be many guys that would be interested in you. they might find it more attractive if you start conversation with them; talk about the things they like doing but try not to get too personal. you'll never know if some other guy in that bar is thinking why they haven't got hit on yet. maybe it's you who they're waiting for. (;
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Try not to connect your fear of asking someone out with your sexuality. It's actually quite unrelated. Basically I'm going to tell you what I would tell anyone that was afraid of asking someone out. You have to get over your fear. Just work up the courage and walk over there. You go to a gay bar. That is the best place for you to be especially with your fear. People there will be more open to you than say, walking up to someone in a mall. Most of the time people are looking for confidence. You don't have much of that right now. If you sit in a gay bar for a week and nobody hits on you it's not because you're not good looking or anything like that. It's because they can see that you're not very confident. I used to have the same problem as you. I was so afraid to put myself out on the line. I didn't want to take the risk of getting hurt. I got over my fear when I realized that the risk wasn't all that big. What you're doing to yourself now is hurting you much more than a rude comment or a rejection will. Trust me, I know how hard it can be, but I have faith in you. Take a deep breath and just do it. Good luck!
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