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im confused about what to do with my ex cody, its like i get the hot and cold responses from him, so to speak. sometimes he's extrememly nice and we flirt and get along GREAT and others he seems completely shy and doesnt talk to me.
i have liked him since august (it now being january) and in august when i told him that he said he liked me too. so he kind of dragged his feet .. not sure what he wanted .. didnt know waht to do . the usual guy thing. and when i'd finally given up hope on him and me he left me a message at midnight on october 10th like three months later sayin he wanted to give us a try. only to dump me 10 days late b/c he he liked someone else .. then he told me a couple weeks later that he wouldn't have dumped me for her if she hadn't had a boyfriend ..
so that was like november .. now its january and the guy is still all i think of. i try so hard to get over him .. but like around every other corner hes either makin me fall for him again or his friends are being COMPLTELY honest and telling me stuff he says.
like shawn told me that they talk about me all the time (he wouldnt say what but he said the stuff worked in my favor) and that in our study hall (me him and cody have it together) he cant wait for me to come out and talk to them .. and i asked him to stop jokin around w/ me and he went off sayin how honest and truthful he was being ..
then new years cody called. he came and got me on his snowmobile. me and his brother and friend hung out from 9 to 3. we hung out. watched fireworks in the barn by ourselves. hung out around the bon fire. laughed constantly and flirted. i thought it went great .. i had like good hopes you know .. we fell asleep on the couch then they brought me home. he said he'd call. yeah a week and half later .. no call. we talk at school . nothing big hey and how are u kinda stuff ..
i know its probably worthless to waste my time .. and you can be completley honest in tellin me so. but like even though my head knows that .. i cant let go .. 5 months later .. jesus look at me .. in so far i cant even get out .. i've never fallen for anyone like i've fallen for cody. he tells me he can see us dating in the future but doesnt do anything about it .. i just dont know what he wants .. its like this i guess to explain it well ..
It's like a routine.
I fall for him on Monday.
I like him from Tuesday to Thursday.
He make me mad on Friday.
I think I'm over him over the weekend.
But the SECOND I see him on Monday morning
I fall for him again and again
i just dont know what to do ..
so now that i've finished my freakin book .. im sorry its soo long. i just want all the details in it .. sorry sorry sorry.
alyssa05x@aol.com .. if you need more info or something doens't make sense.
i really appreciate it and im sorry about the length .. thanks in advance
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yes long story but thank you for all the details.. it makes giving my answer easier! well you said that you talk to shawn and his other friends and they say that he talks about you and stuff, well next time you talk to them ask them whats going on with him and why hes dragging his feet. if you know that he likes you then maybe he thinks that since he hurt you before, hes either (1) scared hes gonna do it again (2) thinks you deserve better (3) thinks you dont want to be with him again. i think you should ask him if he still has feelings for you. and if he does, then ask him why he doesnt say something to you about it. let him know that his friends tell you stuff and you can tell that he flirts -like on new years- and that if he really likes you then to do something about it because you like him too and each day that he waits makes you hurt really bad... he might just be shy like you said around people, but he might not know how or when to ask you. if you find out for positive that he likes you and wants to go out with you and just doesnt have the courage to ask you, you should ask him. its not that big of a deal. tell me what happens and if you need anything else or dont understand my question, IM me... DA x3 OF UR LYFE ...mk!
XO KALIE
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First off: how old are you Alyssa? What year are you in school?
Sorry for the delayed response. I work pretty long hours and by the time I get home I'm totally wiped :) But I really wanted to respond to your question because even though I might not say anything that helps, I know that sometimes for me I feel better just knowing that someone is listening and is at least thinking with me about what's going on.
Okay, if you and Cody were in your twenties or something, I'd say that he sees that you're a person worth being interested in. That he really likes you for who you are, but that there seems to be part of him that's still looking to date around and have adventures and some guys think they can't have adventures when they're "tied to a relationship." [Not all guys think this way! My boyfriend can't wait to marry me so we can have adventures together!! But he's also a lot older than Cody and probably wouldn't have felt the same way when he was in highschool either I'm sure ;)] I'd say that he obviously has feelings for you, but that his preference for doing his own thing is so strong that it's keeping him from seeing what a wonderful girlfriend he could have in you so he's going to keep coming back to you when he needs to feel appreciated, and is going to keep going after other girls when he feels confidant enough to "pursue" adventures of that kind...
I'd say "Alyssa: Next time he's flirting with you, or treating you in any way that's more than how he treats his other female friends, you ask him why he's doing it. Ask him what it is that he wants from you. Force him to think about it, and to say it out loud to your face instead of through friends, before he goes confusing your heart any further. And if he keeps playing that game, let him know you're not interested in playing it. That it's confusing and it's just keeping both of you from pursuing other relationships that could be a lot healhtier and in which you'd know the person you were with really wanted to be with you and wasn't just biding their time until someone else came along that they wanted to "try out." And if he says he wants to be with you, then tell him okay. He's your friend- give him the benefit of the doubt. And the first time he goes back to playing the game of now-we're-together/ now-we're-not, tell him you're not into playing those kinds of games, be strong, and end it for good."
That's what I'd say.
I'd encourage you to be tough, even when he's being super-sweet and his friends are saying that he talks about you and likes you. I'd encourage you to be solid in your words and decisions, even when he invites you over and treats you like his girlfriend. Because he needs to either make the decision to be your boyfriend, or make the decision to just be your friend. But he can't have it both ways at the same time. You're not his toy- you're his friend. And friends treat each other with respect or else-- or else what's the point of having friends? (Bearing in mind that friends last much longer than dating relationships which tend to ruin friendships 9 times out of 10...)
On the other hand, if you and Cody are in your mid-teens...
I'd say "He's clearly too young to be so involved with somebody and shouldn't be dating anybody anyway, let alone dating YOU since you're obviously a bit more aware of other people's feelings when it comes to *liking* and the importance of communication and dealing with friends' emotions when it comes to situations where it's so easy to unintentionally hurt people.
I'd say "Let him keep playing around like young boys do, but make it clear that you don't want to play around with him. That's just so "summer camp melodrama." Let him know you still like him and you'll date him if he's interested, but that if he can't make up his mind and has to date other girls and be hot and cold with you, you'll make the decision for him by moving on.
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First of all, the dragging of his feet could be one of two things...it could be that he's playing you or it could be that he has a fear of the feelings that you bring up. Either way there are ways you can figure out were he is right now. One thing I want to caution you on too. A lot of times we want what we can't have. Then we become obsessive about it. We go into "the grass is always greener syndrome". So I caution you to be real observant of other peoples body language, behavior and actions. Actions and behavior tell the true story... not words. I caution you to be careful for what you wish for... you just may get it. You are presently in idealization mode. I have been there so often in my life and it will most likely overpower me again. It is hard to resist, but if you know about it you can at least be more aware of things. Eventually the spell can be broken. If you really love him, you'll still have that but you also will have clear vision, if it isn't true love you will know it for sure by this point. This is what we are shooting for here.
There are a lot of conflicting things going on in this story. First of all I want you to deeply contemplate the idea I will be bringing up next... What kind of story is this he gave you for braking up with you... "I wouldn't have dumped you if she hadn't had a boyfriend?" Now really think about this. This behavior makes no sense if the guy was suppose to be in love with you. (I'm just trying to figure out how he is your best friend?) You seem like such a nice person, why would he treat you, his best friend, with so little regard. He went after someone who had a boyfriend. To me, this behavior is pretty heartless. She just sparked some kind of fire in him and he wanted her it's that simple. He didn't care how his actions would affect you or her boyfriend. Not nice. Your now rewarding him for this by letting him know you are open to getting back with him. His friends keep talking to you about him and yet they tell you nothing. THEY are just having fun with you. It feels like to me they like the attention you give them when you are trying to get them to tell you more. "COMPLETELY HONEST"? What have they honestly told you? They don't tell you anything so don't talk to them about "him" anymore. If they ask you a direct question say you don't know or if you do, answer it, and move on to another subject matter. If they bring it up and start discussing him don't respond. Even change the subject if you can. Stop letting them run back to him and tell him all about how much you like him. Any more information would be redundant. He knows. Have a little mystery and be less accessible. He seems to like that.
It could be that his seemly coquettish behavior is due to the fact that he does realize how badly he behaved. He may not want to make the same mistakes again. He may be trying to figure out why he did it. This reluctance to jump right back into a relationship with you could be a good thing. It could be that he has a conscious after all and he needs time to be sure of how he feels about you before he jumps back in. He doesn't want to HURT you again. Be patient and go with the flow here. It is in your best interest if you don't push on this.
New Years Eve sounds wonderful. This is very positive. He feels very comfortable with you and that is a good thing. What may be going on here is he, like most of America, is confusing "True Love" with a chemical reaction to someone's pheromones as being "in love". This initial chemical reaction to lust is so strong that people often overlook potential problems and fantasize about their object of desire. People overlook the things that have the potential to really bug them latter on because this feeling is so intense. That is why they think they are in love. For more information on pheromones I've included some web sites for you below. This could help you to understand what goes on chemically when you are attracted to someone. One of the things that they don't mention in these articles is that when the pheromones calm down and people start taking a look at who they are with they may not be as happy about things as they thought they would be. The people who they are with are not who or what they thought. Pheromones cloud judgment and we overlook things...we even fantasize things about who we want this special person we are focused on to be. We see things that aren't there and we don't see what is. This, in short, is probably what happened between him and this other girl. That is why it didn't last that long. It is also a possibility for what is going on with you too. I'm not saying that this pheromone thing can't lead to true love...it most certainly can. I'm not saying that you can't be in love and have the pheromone thing going on at the same time...you most certainly can. I'm saying that when you are in pheromone mode you are not clearly focused. You have to start overriding this particular mode for now. I have an exercise that will help you with this. People are all the time talking about how we should get physically fit by exercise. Well, there are exercises of the mind we should do to keep us on track to experience life at it's full potential. I'm not trying to teach you to get rid of this pheromone thing, I'm just hoping to guide you into being in control of IT instead if IT controlling you. Below are two exercises I think will be very helpful to you with regards to this:
First, find yourself a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Sit or lay in a relaxing position and breath in slowly to the count of eight, then breath out to the count of eight. Once you've slowed your body down to match your breathing start to notice what is tense in your body and how you are holding your body. Start to let the tension go in each area of the body one area at a time. Hold this relaxed state for as long as you possibly can. Through out this process you are keeping your mind clear and your only concentrating on your body, how it feels, and relaxing. Once you've achieved this state for a while you can transcend into allowing immediate issues of goals, personal growth work, or your love life come up for you. Keep your breath constant during all of this. Really notice how it makes you feel when you bring up something like...your best friend for instance. Really feel what you feel for him. Let it rise up and consume you...then...
.... slowly transcend into these exercises:
Caution: It is important that you know that before you do this exercise (YOU MAY CHOOSE NOT TO DO THIS ONE) you want to be very sure that the memory is not that important to you. Read it over carefully first.
1. Notice your emotional reaction to this picture in your head.
2. Notice if the picture is in color. If it is in color, change it to black and white.
3. Notice if the picture has a frame around it. If it doesn't put a frame around it. Notice your emotional reaction to this picture.
4. Notice if the picture is moving or still. If the picture is moving slow it down until it is still. If it is still, make it moving. Notice your emotional reaction to this change.
5. Finally, notice if the picture is clear or fuzzy. If it is clear, make the picture fuzzy. If it is fuzzy, make it clear.
6. Now look at this changed picture in your mind. What is your emotional reaction to it now? Is it different than your reaction to the original picture?
Note: If you prefer this new reaction, leave the new picture in place. If you prefer your first reaction, bring the picture back to the way it was. This exercise is to help you control the intensity of your reaction to him. It's a great reaction I agree. I love the way it feels, but you don't want to be having these feelings control you. You may want to hold these reactions off until it is reciprocated. All I'm saying you do with this exercise is to lower the intensity of your feelings towards your friend for now. You can always bring it back to its full intensity later when he is there in the moment with you.
Now, I do want to focus a bit on the part where you tell me that you know it is a waste of your time. I believe that is a very telling statement. That is your inner voice telling you something that you don't want to hear. This is another reason to do those previous exercises. These exercises will be so helpful in all aspects of your life. You probably won't achieve your exact goal at first, but you will feel better after you've done them each time. When you're with him, enjoy your time with him. If he flirts, flirt back, have fun. When you aren't with him enjoy your time without him. Do these exercises and gain control of yourself...enjoy your life with or without him to its fullest. Believe me there is enjoyment without him too. These exercises will help you see that. Also, they will help you with this next tactic. Guys love the thrill of the chase. I guess it is all part of that hunters instinct. If you are being all-available and everything he gets board. Just play it laid back. If you are with him then be into him and enjoy your time with him. If your not with him really enjoy it and relish that time too. Don't, when your with him, bring up the question of when or if you two will ever be together. Let him develope things into this. These exercises can help you to achieve your goals. Also, if you don't ask questions about him and you become indifferent when you aren't "with" him (like your with his friends) it will peek his interest I bet. He's not out if you really want to go through the trouble to get him. You just have to go about things differently. Remember, what you have been doing hasn't been working. So, you have to try a new tactic. What I suggest you do may not work either, but it will help you to learn to control your emotions more effectively. You can encounter all of life's ups and downs with greater ease. I wish you the best of luck with all of this and feel free to contact me further if you feel the need.
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Namaste,
LULABELLE
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hey, it's no problem.. good thing i can speed-read, eh? lol..
okay, so i totally understand where you're coming from, because i was the same way with my boyfriend. we'd always break up and he'd find someone else, but i couldn't forget about it, yet we finally ended up getting back together.
first things first - you need to figure out how he feels about you.. boys can be really dumb sometimes and just stand you up. but, you need to talk to him and honestly find out how he feels about you. considering he screwed you over one time, you need to pay attention to the way he says all these things to figure out if he's lying to you. the last thing you want is to get broken up with 10 days later. it would be a bad thing. if he does say he likes you and wants to go out with you.. then think about whether you want to do it or not. make sure you decide what's best for you. if he tells you he just wants to be friends, it's going to be a really hard grieving process. go around school and meet new boys or become better friends with your aquatiances.. but the important thing is, communication is the key. talking to him will help you with this problem.
if he does tell you he wants to be just friends, it's not the end of the world - there's always better and hotter boys out there! :o) i hope i helped you! you can come to me for advice anytime either here or email me at hurleyroxygirli@aol.com
&l0ve;
jamziix16
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I think you need to have a talk with young Cody.
You need to say listen buster, you need to stop leading me on. Either we are an item...and that means we go out, you call, we hang out, talk etc. OR I will look elsewhere for entertainment!
I can't blame you for feeling a bit confused, who wouldn't be. You really do need to talk to him and find out where you stand.
What does he mean he can see you dating in the future? Does that mean he isn't ready for a relationship at all? You might remind him that you may not still be available if he waits to long.
If you can't get a straight answer out of him, then don't waste a lot more time for him. Don't put your life on hold. If your available in the future when he feels mature enough for a relationship, try it then. In the mean time, go find someone to have fun with.
Hope you get him straightened out so it will be him. :)
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I think you should just ask him out. He seems to be scared or something so you should just ask. It will probably be hard but you need to. If he says no then you just need to find someone else. Love is a biiiig risk. But honestly you are only kidding yourself if you just sit there and wait. You really need to ask him and if he says no then you'll need to move on. I kno it's really hard to move on I've been through that. But he's just going to hold you back.
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