|
Getting my partner to comprimise!
Hi, I would REALLY apprecaite some advice :) OK, my partner (male 32) is driving me (female 26) up the wall! We have a 6 month old baby. My parner works, I am at home alone with the baby all day. He has this really annoying habit where he get's home, sits on his lap top and then only goes to bed at about 5am! His alarm goes off at least 6 times before he gets up for work (obviously making him late!) and then he has to stay at work late to make up the time. By the the time he gets home from work, I am so wound up that we argue! I have tried to comprimise by designating "laptop evenings" but when we do this, it lasts for a few days and then we are back at square one. The worst of it is, that he he has difficulty with "demands". He sees everything as a demand and then feels that he must rebel! This makes him worse. Please can you give me some practical advice to get him to sleep earleir and to wake up on time for work. We are due to get married in Jan and I feel that this is a real reason for me to call it all off :( Thanks :)
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hmm. Well in the morning, when the alarm clock goes off, make sure he gets up. If he doesnt cooperate, pull him off the bed. Maybe dont tell him to do something, just suggest it. ask him nicely to give you and your baby time.
About the "Calling it all off" you need to do some serious thinking. If thats enough for you two to split up, are you really in love? Think hard about it.
<3
]
Hi there,
Ah... men, you can't live with em, you can't shoot em either! Lol!
If I were you I would try talking to him again and explain that you are thinking about calling the marriage off.
If he asks why (which he will - if he doesn't you shouldn't be marrying him anyway!) then tell him that you feel like you come second to his laptop.
Explain that you don't sit around all day doing nothing you are looking after your home and the baby! Maybe on his day off you could swap roles so he sees just how much you actually have to do - and you can sit there and play on the laptop all day!
I too have been a computer widow! It's not fun and if all else fails then the only thing I found that worked was to steal the cables that made it work - naturally it caused the mother of all arguments but in the end we managed to come to a compromise.
I'm sure if you BOTH want your relationship to work then you will sort something.
Another thing I would suggest is getting involved in a mother and baby group - this would give you some outside activity away from your home. It'll also be a place for you to socialise with others in your situation and it'll be good for your baby too!
If you need a chat or just to vent some frustration then drop me and e-Mail sometime!
MelanieHarvey81@hotmail.com
Take Care
Mel xxx
]
First of all, don't marry this guy until he straightens up. For one thing, he needs to learn to respect what you do is work as well. I would hide the laptop if it were me. Or, if you want to be less extreme, explain to him that in a long term relationship that it is reasonable for each person to have demands on the other person. Relationships are a compromise. You may also want to see a therapist together to help you work through these issues. Good luck.
]
Sounds similiar to my guy who is obsessed with X-box..I tried to talk, ask, and compromise, but like you said he seemingly rejected all efforts and rebelled. This is what guys do. They rebel when you seem like their "stern" mother, but dont have any issues when your makin the dinners/ caring for the kids or making them a nice bath after work..What does this leave you with? Stop doing some of the extra (Mom-like) things you'd normally do for him, whether it be laundry, dinner or cleaning the house. When he starts to realize that you havent done these things-like diner isnt on the table, or his shirts are startin to smell rancid-- he will confront you about hem. When he does say "Well, my demands arent much, the laptop situation hasnt been resolved, and its effecting me just the same. Until we reach an agreement, it will stay this way, no better." If this doesnt work and the things you cut off start bothering you(laundry piles up, etc), ignore him..dont give him the time of day until he wakes up and realizes your not messing around. If all else fails, threaten the marriage.
]
WEll If your having problems now. I would wait before you get married. What's so important that he has to get home and then go to his lap top. He was already at work, So he shouldn't have to get on it right away. Have you asked him what he does on his computer until five in the morning. If he can't change for you or your child, think real hard if you want to marry this man. Not to be rude but he's not putting you or his child first. I have been divorced once and my ex did the same thing and he never changed when we got married and after four years of marriage we just went our separte was even though we had two children together. I thought of them and not myself. Thinking that I don't need this man to walk all over me and my children. I have found a man that had put me and my children first. Hope I helped sorry so long. If you need to chat, email me if you want. keemkick@hotmail.com
]
I would definitely try to resolve this issue before you get married. If you don't do it now, I think the situation will continue and you'll eventually come to resent it. Wanting companionship from your partner after being apart all day is not demanding.
What does he do on that laptop until 5 am? I would be wary of someone who would rather be on the computer than spending time with his family. We all need a little time to unwind after work, but staying up until 5 am is carrying it a bit far in my opinion.
Have you tried arranging for child care for a couple hours one evening and setting up a romantic evening for two? Perhaps if he realizes what he's missing, he'll be more inclined to put the laptop down.
Have you tried marriage counseling? I know this isn't an option for everyone, but it can help in some situations.
Since you say you've tried to compromise, I assume you've probably already had a talk with him about this. Sit down with him and tell him your concerns calmly. Remind him gently that you and your child would like to spend time with him. Then, sit back and listen to what he has to say.
If he continues in this, I would seriously consider calling the wedding off until there's a change. Just be prepared that there may not be a change. He has to make the decision to change for it to work.
Good luck. I hope this works out for you.
]
i would definetly call the weddin goff. If you look at the whole picture he is not willing to do what it takes to be responible let alone make you happy. Im sure you love him but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? My ex-fiance was the same way but he did what he could to not be on the computer but then it started all over again--then he left me and found someone from the computer. You said what you could to him no its up to him to make this better. I would tell him you are going to call the wedding off if he doesnt change b/c you dont want to live like this. MAybe he will listen and realize you have feelings too and you are serious. good luck
]
phew,
the laptop evening are a good idea, but limit it to 3 times a week at the most, 1am at the latest during the week, let him decide which days though.
you both have a child to think about and if he takes your relationship seriously he will respect that.
nevermind a maraige, a child needs stable rolemodels and even though they need some relaxation too, the baby should and must (in my humble oppinion) come first.
He should make up his mind of what he wants....sorry he SHOULD HAVE made up his mind already.
im not going to tell you to love or leave him, the choice is up to you, but make him understand that you BOTH need to make sacrifices for this to work, and you both will have to put in alot more than you will get out, but my perants said it was worth it.
best of luck and love
]
I think it's a reason to call it off too. If he's already like this, do you think marriage is going to change it? Would you like to deal with this for the next 40 or 50 years? Calling it off will open up his eyes and maybe whip him into shape, and if it doesn't, well, he wasn't going to change anyway. If you really really want to make this work, I'd suggest counseling, but it shouldn't be like this at all if you're just engaged.
]
I think the first and most important thing you need to do is talk to each other, you need to explain how you feel to him. I would say that he needs to grow up a bit, I understand his need to 'rebel' but he has to realise that he now has a responsability to you and your baby and that means that he needs to consider you both in what he does, especially as if he keeps being late for work he could end up loosing his job. I wonder if he feels he's not ready for family life, if he spends so much time on his lap top I would think that means he doesn't spend much time with you or the baby and maybe this is because he's scared of fully comitting himself (a problem found quite often in men...lol). I think you need to lay things on the line to him and get him to see how you feel and that it isn't a demand your making but a responsibility that he needs to face up to.
Hope this has helped,
Kizlode
]
More Questions: |