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humorist-workshop
Broken
I'm glad I can let this out and no one will know who I am or bug me about it, but I really need someone to talk to. I've been broken for years upon years, my elementary school life was alright yet I always seemed to be the loner kid who did stupid things to get attention yet was never acknowledged. When I changed schools, it made me sad that the card I had received from my classmates was only made because we do that to everyone who goes away, that the words they said to me were false and untrue. In my new school, the very first day I was tormented and they hit me with carrots at lunch time and beat me up in recess. During lunch time wen i went to the washroom they emptied out my backpacks contents in the schoolyard and burried my pencils and stuff from my pencil case in the sand box. My closest girlfriend, the last one I had and my second was someone I really loved and was happy with yet that relationship ended and destroyed me even more. Though I finally made some friends in high school, the people from my previous school and others still continued to torment me for no reason it drove me insane and alone. this is a summary of my childhood torments and from those experiences i came to the following conclusion...
I envy those who have good friends, whenever I see friends with photos of each other, hanging out with each other and always wanting to be around each other... whenever I see people who have others that will support and protect them... I feel jealous. In all my years I have never had anyone but my loving family I can fully trust, that calls me instead of me bugging them, that wants to be around me and support me, that would stick with me to the end.. a true friend. I am destined to be alone, to have no friends, and to experience no love. There have been other experiences in my life besides what I described that have affected me so.
I have trouble in my studies, I can never fully concentrate until last minute though I seem to do pretty well. There have been many things I have wanted to achieve and changes i'e wanted to make to myself but I have failed to do so and I hate myself for being so careless, irresponsible, and stupid. I acknowledged that there is no personal reason for myself to exist in the world, besides become someone good so my parents can be proud that they did a good job raising me. I love my family they are the best parents to me and gave me more love than I could ever handle. I can never live up to my parents love, the only way I can repay them for loving such a useless thing as myself is through completing my school and becoming what they want me to be. I also live for children, I want to have children and have them live a good life strayed from any problems that I have already faced myself.
THe problem, I recently got into my second car accident, things are going so horrible and expenses are rising. My parents are already paying so much and are struggling, I am forgetting to do chores and because of that I am just being a freeloader. As for my studies, it seems i've been slacking off, yet I find it so hard to concentrate until it's last minute. Though I try to do things it seems I am just a lazy failure. I failed my parents, I failed myself, I am nothing but a burden withot motivation to succeed. the best solution is my own destruction, but I am too weak, so instead I will leave the house and fend for myself, removing the burden from my family of having such a useless son around. I don't deserve them and surely i've been shown that since the life I lived is proof enough my existence is pointless. Why shold I continue this unhappy life where everyday all I do is become hurt. People think I am a happy stupid kid because i'm always so hyper, yet I put on that mask to hide my sorrows. No matter how good I am to people, no matter how sociable, I can never get what I want or be truly happy. I either am disappointed, left alone, or betrayed and used.... why does life suck
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Im going through a part of what your going through. Im a very sad person, but in front of people I hide my sorrows and act happy. Just be yourself, if you act like someone your not, not only are you letting down yourself your letting down the people you love. Just block off what people say, the only thing that matters is that your family loves you. The kids obviously only pick on you because they have no life and they will probably be immature the rest of there life, but youll probably get somewhere, and probably farther then all the kids who bother you. I know its hard, you have no truee friends and the ones you think are true, there back stabbers, and I cant say who cares, because i will be lieing, of course you would care because you need someone to talk to but that doesnt mean you have to put down yourself, just because others dont like you for who you are. Dont think about all the negatives. Life will get easier and im sure you will find a true person, maybe someone you would never think of being your friend, just think the people you bring you down, must have low self esteem and just try to cover it by hurting you, just to make them feel better about themselves, there worthless and you dont need friends like them anyway... If you ever need someone to talk to im here...
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well kids and young adults and adults are crewl no matter who the person be that is no reason to mentally abuse you. it's not right. but don't let people get the best of you. you are better than that! you have a good head on your sholders and all you want is friends who care and understand. try to join some after school activitys or try meeting new people that have common intrest you will more than likely find some true friends with time and you will feel wanted and life wont suck as much anymore. i know that life sux but we all have our prolbems and we all have to deal with them. as for you parents show a little more effort and respect to them if all they are asking is for you to do chores and do your studies than make an attempt to actually do them. i truly hope that things work out for you.
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The people that tormented you from the time you were in elementary to highschool are all just coldhearted bastards. Your family truly cares about you...that alone should be enough to go on. Keep being good to people ( so you don't stoop down to the levels of those who were rude to you in your past years) One day you WILL be rewarded for your kindness. This I can assure you. You don't have a clue as to how strong you really are. (And NO, I'm not just saying that to be nice)
Its nice knowing people like you exist...the ones that keep giving even though everyone has robbed them of their happiness. I respect you.
-Nina
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Wow. You have a lot to deal with, and you've obviously been through some things in your childhood that are still having a big impact on your life.
Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? It basically means that what you expect will happen, will. This breaks down to mean that if you feel you'll never have close friends, then you might not until you change your mindset. If you feel worthless and like no one will ever like you, those are the vibes you are sending to people around you. They will pick up on these and act on them, which only makes you less likely to attract vibrant, caring, genuine people.
One solution might be counselling or therapy. It does sound like you have a lot on your mind, and often a good way to help work through these issues is by talking confidentially to someone. Having space to just be yourself - to laugh or cry or just tell your story outloud. Counselling can be difficult, but often it can help people figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how to get from A to B.
Your parents sound as if they deeply love you, and I'm sure they would be willing to help you find a therapist. They only want the best for you, but YOU need to want the best for you as well.
You are worth something. You are a unique person. No one has ever or will ever see the world exactly as you do. Find a therapist and start to explore yourself and your life a bit more - you might surprise yourself.
I wish you the best.
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Okay well i'm not going to argue with you and tell you that you are wrong.. because you are right. Life sucks people are backstabbing all the time and it's really hard to just find someone outside of your family to love and trust. I really hope that things go better because all those people that do crap to you are just rude and inconsiderate. You are a human being and maybe all you need is to go off to college with the changes that you wanted to change and be a new person. Be the person you want to be.
Love always!
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Sorry this is so long...There are tons of people in your position and tons of people that have been in your position and have gotten through it. Just because high school was rough on you doesn't mean that you are a bad person, useless, unworthy, weak, stupid, or anything like that. Knowing how old you are would have helped a little, but it's ok that you didn't say. High school is a very hard time for everyone believe it or not. All teenagers have thoughts like you're having...it's a part of being that age. Acceptance by your peers seems to be the most important thing in the world. You have a very loving family and because of this you are extremely blessed. I'm not saying that I was in your position in any way or know exactly what you're feeling, but I can relate to you. Through my high school years I felt completely excluded from everything. I had no social life whatsoever other than with my family. My family was my life and my cousins were my best friends. After high school I got a summer job as a counselor working at a camp that I attended for a week every summer since I was ten. Here was the only place where I felt like I belonged to something. The other staff liked me, the campers adored me, it was the first time I ever really knew other people to like me. I changed a lot. I became more confident and more open, but then the summer was over and everything I had gained was gone. My first year in college was really rough. I knew nobody and had a very hard time making friends because I didn't drink. I missed camp and my family. I downloaded AIM and I ended up talking to a guy from high school that I never really had any kind of contact with before. We talked about how you really learn who your friends are when you leave. Nobody was keeping touch with either of us and we realized that even the people we considered to be somewhat of friends with us really weren't. I also started talking to one of the other counselors from my camp. I told him all about how even my family was starting to ignore me, like they expected me to have a giant network of friends already and didn't want to interrupt me from that. In reality I had no one. After three months of heartache and pain I ended up dating the guy. He had to break down a huge wall I had put up against relationships and him in particular. It was my first relationship ever and I was 18. I felt like such a loser, but he helped me so much. All I really had was him, and he lived 8 hours away but I didn't mind. I got used to not having anyone and his stories about his high school experiences (very similar to yours) really made me realize how much worse it could have been. It surprised me that his childhood had been like that since he had so many friends now. Now in my second year of college (I transferred to a different one) I'm having a lot of trouble with my parents (again you are VERY lucky to have supportive parents) so I'm not really in contact with my family at all. Thus my entire social network other than my boyfriend is gone. I don't mind it anymore though, not at all. I realized that I don't have to spend time with people that don't really care about me. I don't need to try to impress anyone to win over their hearts so they'll be my friends. I miss people from my old college that I never knew I even liked at all. I know that if I had stayed there instead of transferring that I would have become closer to some of them. What I'm getting at is that high school isn't for everyone and when it's over, those people that have such a "great" setup with tons of friends and everything experience their entire world crasing down. You lose contact with people from high school and it's in college or work where you make your lifelong friends. In your second year at the same college or after awhile at the same job you'll start building relationships with people, with no effort at all on your part. You're not a burden to your family. They love you and would do anything for you and you feel the same way about them. If you leave you will hurt them so much more than you ever could if you stayed. Your time will come and you'll make great friends. You have a very mature outlook, though negative, and you seem like a really great person. As people get older they become less shallow and once you're in college or get a steady job you will see that happen. Yeah, there's still extreme stupidity and awful people everywhere, but there's a lot of people that aren't like that at all. Don't give up yet. Just keep chugging and stay strong and your life will bloom into something that you never dreamed it could right before your eyes. I have faith in you and I know that you can be very happy someday. At a point in your life, whenever it may be...tomorrow or 10 years from now, you will see an opportunity. Take this opportunity and your life will change forever. You'll be happy like you never knew you could be. All the pain you endured before then is worth this amazing feeling. Stay with your family. I can't stress this enough. They will help you get through any obstacles you face asking nothing in return. That is true love. You do know love and more is yet to come, just be patient. Good luck with everything and if you have any more questions that you think I can help you with at all feel free to send them to my inbox or to my e-mail address (oh_beautiful_insanity@hotmail.com) and I'll try to help you out as best I can. I hope that something of what I said helped you. Good luck.
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You know my sister had the exact same problem and she is doing ok. Anyone who picks on you is a jerk and they are only picking on you so no one sees what is wrong with them, which I think is freakin ridiculous. Life just does suck, i know this is going to be hard to believe but those people who picked on you, well their life sucks too, everyone's life sucks, and no you shouldn't have to deal with it, but in the end these experiences will make you stronger, and maybe someday you can look back on this and use it to help another person with the same problems. And you know what, you seem like an awesome person, don't let anyone tell you different, you've got a friend in me, If you want to actually talk to me my e-mail is on my advice column page thing. Oh and by the way, you will never be a disappointment to your parents, they love for who you are and that doesn't change, ever. Leaving your parents house will only make them worry, losing you will break their hearts, you are their life, their hearts, you're their daughter their pride and joy no matter what.I hope you got something out of this, don't worry things will get better just have faith they will. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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It doesn't have to suck! I read you're story and these are my thoughts...
First of all you don't have to leave you're parents, they wouldn't let you live there if they thought you were a burden. (but helping out is always nice) N e ways, I'm sure that life is not as bad as you make it out to be. Maybe what you need is ambitions (that's an option) or maybe there's something that you're secretly good at! like drawing or writing, dancing, riding a harley Davidson! Whatever it is do it, make something out of it. I can't say I haven't had thoughts quite similar to yours, bu I always find something to be happy for! I'm a hyper person too and have a weird way of doing things bu' w/out having my goal of making everybody happy, even if it doesn't work the same 4 me. It makes me feel better! When i see someone smile and happy on my account I can't help bu have some sort of boast of confidence! ^^!
B-sides you never know when somebody may envy you! you'd b suprised, even though it seems untrue, there's always atleast one person around you that thinks your amazing, you never know when the way you do things makes someone wish they could do as well!
And your stories of when you were small, you might have helped someone else have courage to face school, when you picked up and kept living w/it and went thruogh w/ life! 4 being able to go through all that and still try and find hope! Even I should envy you! N e ways, I'm glad i took the time to read you're story! You'd b suprised the effect it had on me!
Good Luck w/ life! *Smile* ^.^
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