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Unfair financial gifts
My husband is the eldest, has three sisters. His mom is an only child, his father has several sibs. My husband and I both graduated college in four years, both work full-time, have been married 20 years, have two teenage children -- the only grandchildren -- and own a home and two breaking down vehicles. We consider ourselves middle class. We rarely go on vacation and when we do, it's usually to visit family and brief due to work and children's event scheduling. My husband's sisters have all graduated college eventually, taking 5 to 7 years, and have returned for schooling at various times, which their parents have always paid for. Two of them are married, only one of them works, the third works part-time and is getting married soon. All three of these girls continue to have mom and dad finance anything from vacations to dental work to their dog's surgery. We recently learned that my in-laws have been paying insurance, both medical and car, at various times for years for two of these adult women. When there is a plumbing problem, a car repair or a big vacation, these ladies have been going to mom and dad for financial support and receiving it.
When we have borrowed money, on two occasions in the past 20 years, we have offered to pay it back and been refused. But we never have asked for anything further and have not received anything further, either. We have had many emergencies that we could have used help with but figured it was our responsibility and not anyone else's -- we did not know that our "upper class" parents had been funding "the girls" in every little thing for years.
Recently talk has centered about their will and one of sis-in-laws was named the executor. This is fine, although a bit of a concern since she has financially never stood on her own two feet. We have been asked to name any property of theirs that we would like and I requested only one thing, a used but not antique nor family heirloom piano, and this is for my daughter who is quite the musician -- none of my sis-in-laws play any instruments nor do they have any children not even stepchildren. This one request was refused because one sister had already requested the piano. Obviously she must be planning to get a bigger house with her inheritance because there is no room in her current dwelling for anything that big.
Well, this has upset my husband to no end because he now is convinced that all those years we went on day trips and his sisters went on cruises and spent a lot of time on Caribbean islands that this was funded directly or indirectly (since they aren't responsible for themselves) by his parents. The parents have always made a big deal about having the same amount of presents under the tree for everyone, etc., but now are saying that their property will be divided four ways -- with nothing noted for their only grandchildren. This seems unfair to me on so many levels, especially in light that the sisters have long time been the recipients of uneven gifts of money and support for years, more than a decade after they had moved out of the house.
We are wondering what we did to deserve this. There has been no animosity, never any disagreements. I really wouldn't care except now my husband is very hurt and becoming a little paranoid about the fact that his sisters get their credit cards paid off by his parents while we paid ours off ourselves all these years even when it involved hospital bills for our children or other expenses.
Recently we discovered that one sis had complained to her parents about gifts they had given us ($25 checks) on our wedding anniversaries and for father's and mother's days and so now I guess mom is sending each of the girls something on those occasions to be equal. Yet we have always bought gifts for the parents on these occasions and the girls typically just send them cards only.
I don't want it to sound like I am being petty and greedy, but it does sort of come down to this. We thought we had a great relationship with my in-laws and now it feels like they have been favoring the girls over their son and will continue to do so. I doubt my husband wishes to consult an attorney or anything that might damage his relationship with his family, but he is very hurt and we don't know how to express this to his parents. They are in their 70s and both are very smart and active; we hope they live another 20 years!
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I just joined the blog recenlty with a similar story. My mother used to give my sister all kinds of money, Even after she died she gave her almost everything. My husband and I worked are butts off to try and make it. My advice to you is that your better off, Your husbands parents are enabling the sisters and you and your husband can stand on your own two feet. What happens when the parents die and the money is gone? One day you might see them living under a bridge. I know the feeling of the unfairness and my heart goes out to you. I hear of some many parents like this, there is a fine line between them helping them and enabling. I so understand.
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you and your husband are doing what adults do, taking care of yourselves and your kids.
be proud of that, and know that on the sad day when your inlaws do pass on, you will carry on supporting your family needs and coping.
on the other hand what will your sister in laws do?
they will have to learn at a very late age how to stand on their own feet.
people like to be needed, and your in laws may feel that you guys need them less because you do take your own responsibility for life.
about the piano, ask your husband to explain to his sister that your daughter would benefit greatly from having it in the house.
if she still does not let it go then look at it in the sense that, you dont have one now, so you are not losing anything.
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they should of never opened a trust fund my mom and my grandma told me never to do that b/c it like screws alot of stuff up
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There's a lot there, and I can't see a way to bring it up in a "family meeting' type setting without possibly causing a rift between your husband and his parents or his sisters. If I were in your situation, I would show them what you wrote on this site, or write a letter directly to them addressing the same concerns. However, I think it's better to give them what you wrote here, because it shows that it bothers you and your husband enough to ask others for help, and it shows that you're respectful enough of them to say, to their credit, that they have helped you in numerous ways, and are generally good people. On the note of the piano, has your husband brought up the point that his sister wouldn't use it at all, and, despite being wasteful, it's not good for the piano? Bring up the point that it would be used and loved if it were in your home, and would help their grandchildren as aspiring musicians. (I play the piano myself, and I don't think that a piano should just be for decoration ;) ). I hope that the will works in your favor, and that maybe your parents-in-law will see how unfair it is to spoil your husband's sisters and not grant his one simple request.
Love,
Nevaeh
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Ultimately it's up to your husband's parents to decide how they want their money divided up. I think your husband, not you, should talk to his parents about this. He should let them know up front it's not about someone getting more or less from them, just that he's concerned that their constant gift-giving may put a strain on their own finances.
He should also mention the fact that since they constantly bail his sisters out, they are not teaching these girls to stand on their own feet, something they will need to know how to do when the parents are gone. I think the best gift a parent can give a child is independence and the ability to stand on their own two feet.
I know it seems hard seeing all the money flying out the window to the sisters, but you have to realize that they probably think since you and your husband are self-sufficient that you do not need the money as much as the sisters do. I think a lot of it also has to do with society's perception of women as people that have to have things taken care of.
The issue with your husband being the oldest may also be coming into play here. My husband is the baby and while he isn't the recipient of money, we are the recipient of an overload of advice. His parents seem to think that since he's the baby, even though he's 42, he needs constant attention on how he should do things. His older brother does not get this.
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This is something your husband needs to bring up to his parents. If he doesn't know why they are doing this, then he should ask and talk about it with them. I don't think any kind of legal action is the way to go - even if they were to will everything to their daughters, I doubt that you or your husband would be able to do anything to change it.
Anyway, I think that it's probably more an issue of a misconception or misguided judgement than either or both of you doing anything to deserve this. Just talk to them or have your husband talk to them. Or if you need financial help, ask for it, because maybe they only give if asked.
I do want to say, though, that I have more respect for someone who doesn't ask for financial help unless needed than the person who asks whenever they want it. So hats off to you and your husband.
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