Member Since: August 21, 2009
Answers: 4
Last Update: September 7, 2009
Visitors: 920
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I am 34/F. My best friend/cousin told me the other day that she has contemplated not being friends with me anymore because of things I say to her, i.e., I told her I wasn't going to an event because it was boring, and she was offended because it is part of her family tradition and her parents plan it every year. (I had no idea her parents planned it. It is a city-sponsored event.) She also said that when I was little, my mom would talk crap about her family and I would repeat it to them. I don't doubt that this is true, but it happened when I was a kid so I can't remember anything that was said, and neither can my cousin. She just remembers it happening. I teasingly called her a "hoverer," and she was offended because she has heard me in the past say that others were hoverers and it was negative.
I am upset that she has contemplated not being my friend anymore and also that she seems to be overly sensitive. I actually watch what I say around her because I know she is overly sensitive to begin with, I just didn't realize how much. I have not spoken with her since she told me all this. What should I do/say? (link)
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I think a really close friendship is worth a really good close talk. Its really hard in life to find good friends and a friendship is a relationship. It has ups and downs. I am a very sensitive person myself but I appreciate when someone explains why they say what they say. It gives me a new perspective on the situation. Hope this helps.
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My husband is the eldest, has three sisters. His mom is an only child, his father has several sibs. My husband and I both graduated college in four years, both work full-time, have been married 20 years, have two teenage children -- the only grandchildren -- and own a home and two breaking down vehicles. We consider ourselves middle class. We rarely go on vacation and when we do, it's usually to visit family and brief due to work and children's event scheduling. My husband's sisters have all graduated college eventually, taking 5 to 7 years, and have returned for schooling at various times, which their parents have always paid for. Two of them are married, only one of them works, the third works part-time and is getting married soon. All three of these girls continue to have mom and dad finance anything from vacations to dental work to their dog's surgery. We recently learned that my in-laws have been paying insurance, both medical and car, at various times for years for two of these adult women. When there is a plumbing problem, a car repair or a big vacation, these ladies have been going to mom and dad for financial support and receiving it.
When we have borrowed money, on two occasions in the past 20 years, we have offered to pay it back and been refused. But we never have asked for anything further and have not received anything further, either. We have had many emergencies that we could have used help with but figured it was our responsibility and not anyone else's -- we did not know that our "upper class" parents had been funding "the girls" in every little thing for years.
Recently talk has centered about their will and one of sis-in-laws was named the executor. This is fine, although a bit of a concern since she has financially never stood on her own two feet. We have been asked to name any property of theirs that we would like and I requested only one thing, a used but not antique nor family heirloom piano, and this is for my daughter who is quite the musician -- none of my sis-in-laws play any instruments nor do they have any children not even stepchildren. This one request was refused because one sister had already requested the piano. Obviously she must be planning to get a bigger house with her inheritance because there is no room in her current dwelling for anything that big.
Well, this has upset my husband to no end because he now is convinced that all those years we went on day trips and his sisters went on cruises and spent a lot of time on Caribbean islands that this was funded directly or indirectly (since they aren't responsible for themselves) by his parents. The parents have always made a big deal about having the same amount of presents under the tree for everyone, etc., but now are saying that their property will be divided four ways -- with nothing noted for their only grandchildren. This seems unfair to me on so many levels, especially in light that the sisters have long time been the recipients of uneven gifts of money and support for years, more than a decade after they had moved out of the house.
We are wondering what we did to deserve this. There has been no animosity, never any disagreements. I really wouldn't care except now my husband is very hurt and becoming a little paranoid about the fact that his sisters get their credit cards paid off by his parents while we paid ours off ourselves all these years even when it involved hospital bills for our children or other expenses.
Recently we discovered that one sis had complained to her parents about gifts they had given us ($25 checks) on our wedding anniversaries and for father's and mother's days and so now I guess mom is sending each of the girls something on those occasions to be equal. Yet we have always bought gifts for the parents on these occasions and the girls typically just send them cards only.
I don't want it to sound like I am being petty and greedy, but it does sort of come down to this. We thought we had a great relationship with my in-laws and now it feels like they have been favoring the girls over their son and will continue to do so. I doubt my husband wishes to consult an attorney or anything that might damage his relationship with his family, but he is very hurt and we don't know how to express this to his parents. They are in their 70s and both are very smart and active; we hope they live another 20 years! (link)
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I just joined the blog recenlty with a similar story. My mother used to give my sister all kinds of money, Even after she died she gave her almost everything. My husband and I worked are butts off to try and make it. My advice to you is that your better off, Your husbands parents are enabling the sisters and you and your husband can stand on your own two feet. What happens when the parents die and the money is gone? One day you might see them living under a bridge. I know the feeling of the unfairness and my heart goes out to you. I hear of some many parents like this, there is a fine line between them helping them and enabling. I so understand.
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18/M. I usually come to advicenators to ask about girls, always preoccupied with my life. But my head's in a different place.
About three months ago, I was staying up way later than I should have been, as usual, and the thought of death crossed my mind. I think that was the first time I really comprehended death, my own death. Ever since then, I've been trying to live my life normally, and usually it's not a problem, but I can't get it out of my head. And, lying alone in the dark, I can't stop thinking about it. I've lost a lot of sleep, just trying to avoid lying alone in the dark. How can I go back to the way I was three months ago, without the constant thought hanging over my head? I know I have no business worrying about it a such a young age, but how do I stop? I fear that it will continue to affect my life more and more severely. (link)
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I am wondering if you are proned to an anxiety disorder. Mine started at the age of 26 full force. I have a slight case of ocd in which medications have really help me to stop me worrying about a lot of things that I shouldn't. Find a qualified mental health professional to help.
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Hi,
I won't go into detail here, as If I do we'll be here all day :-(
Anyway, I have helped a friend who was in desparate need, financially and physically for over a year now, and it has nearly drained me of all my resources. I am so tired and worn out and also worried about my own finances. She claims she will still need my help for another two months and then should be able to get back on her feet and start paying me back. Which I just can't see how she will do that. I have tried to tell her NO, that I can't do this anymore, but I just can't say it, because honestly she has no one else.
yes I feel like I am being taken advantage of, but also she needs the help.
Is there an easy way to say NO? If she didn't have small children--I could do it easier perhaps.
(link)
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I say this, There is a line between helping and enabling. Your friend is taking advantage of your kindness. Set a firm date for her to get going and mean it. If not you could be stuck with her forever. And don,t worry about what she owes you, you may never get it but karma will come back to you financially for being good to her for this long. Good Luck
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