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How can people you love completely destroy your heart?
Hi. I'm a fellow Advicenator. I have my own column, if you ask, I could leave you feedback with my username. Although I've always been good at advice...I feel lost right now. Maybe I do know the answer, but I just need to hear it from someone else.
For the past few years...Something hasn't been right with me. I'm tired of not fitting in, I'm tired of always needing to get good grades, I'm tired of people not telling me anything, tired of being ignored, hurt... I'm one of those 4.0+ GPA students. Friends would describe me as hyper. Heck, that's even part of my username. But all this time it's been a cover up of how I really feel. Crying by myself sometimes make me feel better, but time doesn't heal, like they say. Things get worse for me.
This year seemed to work out so well. Until last Friday I realized that this year has all been a lie. A friend told me about something my other friends have been hiding from me. I found out that the people I LOVED, my FRIENDS, were talking trash about my boyfriend and me.
They don't realize that WE HAVE ALL CHANGED. I know I have changed, and I accept that. I accept that they have changed as well. We all want our "old" friends back, but what can we do? I miss them, but I cannot change what has happened between us. My boyfriend has brightened up my life. I thought they would be happy for me. What's funny is THEY were the people that pressured me into saying YES to my boyfriend sooner than I expected. (I don't regret it at all.) I could have gone for months, not giving him an answer. "OMG, say yes already" "Oh, he's a nice guy" I remember lots of quotes, CLEARLY. And now, here they are, talking trash?
My REAL friends are supposed to be there for me. They're supposed to talk to me, even if it's something I don't want to hear. They need to at least try to see things my point of view, and NOT talk trash behind my back. They need to either talk to me about it or keep it to themselves and NOT spread around how I'm such a changed and horrible person.
The only person that is giving me the will to live is my boyfriend. I feel bad he has to see me like this. He tells me he knows how I feel, but he doesn't care because he has me. I'd like to say the same, but honestly, it hurts too much. I love him, but the pain won't go away.
I don't know what to do.
At first I wanted to like yell at my "friends" and go rawr! But then as these few days passed I just wanted to forget. But then I can't forget the pain... I see them every day. I think to myself, maybe if I forget, we can all pretend it never happened because I don't want to ruin things even more. But then I tell myself how could I pretend when something like this has happened? My brain goes back and forth...all the time.
I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I apologize for the length...I really needed to get that out... Please...I need some wise words.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Having people around us is what makes us feel secure as humans...very few of us can be loners and healthy for long periods of time. However, becoming too involved with others or letting them influence you in personal matters where you should be the one in charge is going to cost you. There are many kinds of friendships and relationships we have with others. Don't hold it against them too much that you let them control some of your decision making. That is your weakness, not theirs. Until you take full responsibility for your actions, you will continue to let yourself be persuaded against your own common sense and feelings, and at the mercy of what other people think and say. All humans judge. Quit worrying so much about that human trait and don't take it personally. If you were really confident about your boyfriend and being with him, it would matter less to you what others think of him. Your friends have been there for you, but that does not mean they need to agree with you or each other on everything. That is phony and insincere. Truer friendships come with maturity and understanding of these things. Consider this one more life lesson. No matter how many friends one has, the ultimate choices we make are our own, and we all must be strong enough to stand alone when we must. Otherwise, we lose ourselves. Your guy may be a "nice guy" but humans are complex and your friends may have concerns that love is too blind to see...just listen to them with an open mind and thank them for their concern. Be the mature friend who can take criticism and still live her own life joyfully. My experience is that living your life this way will weed out the phony friends and leave you to bloom among the best.
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hey! well, like you said, i think that you pretty much gave yourself advice by writing this. i mean, what you said about real friends and what they should do, well thats exactly it. i'm not saying to stop seeing and being with all your friends, but try talking to them about it. maybe it wasnt as bad as you think, and maybe it can be "fixed". however, dont get your hopes up too much because maybe they are just mean people who have nothing else better to do than to talk trash about people they call their friends behind their back. if it turns out that it wasnt as bad as it seemed and that your friends apologized and its all good, then maybe have like a big hang out with all your friends. however, if it turns out that your friends are just bitches, then turn to new people and rely and talk to your bf to get yourself through the pain. i seriously think that talking to your friends is the best way to figure out this whole thing. if you need to talk about it more, leave a message in my inbox or leave me your sn or soemthing like that. hope this helped, peace and love
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You know, I hate to tell you this, but those are some extremely sorry ass friends. It's really, really hard to find good friends, people who will stick by you no matter what. Right now, I'm at the point where I just stopped trying. (I had friends like yours, and I got rid of them, and I've been happier.) Obviously, they think that their opinion means something to you, and it shouldn't. You have a great boyfriend from what I understood, and if he'll stick by you, and not care what they say, you shouldn't either. Most of the time, you don't see those people after high school. What you need to do, is be happy. You've seen how they truely are, and that way you don't stick your neck out for them too far. Try to find some better friends, and let those assholes know you don't need them. Because, even though it hurts, you really don't.
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Its okay things come and go, I can relate. Atleast they didn't literally dump you when you created the group of friends yourself. Remember the future is bright and keep those grades up. I wish I could keep a 4.0 GPA, maybe because I built this wall against society. Don't worry about the people that never really cared for you because a few years from now it will just be a blurr. Drama is what happens in school, don't dwell on anything too long, and time does heal things if you let it.
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There are very few true friends in this world. I learned that at a young age and have never forgotten it. Most people you meet and even get close to are no more than aquaintinces. I have one true friend, she has never let me down. Part of the reason is that I know she's human. I recognize her weaknesses and don't try to push her into something that will hurt her. She does the same for me. She accepts and cares about me, as I do for her. Know that you are not alone. Know that no relationship is perfect. Know that sometimes trash is talked out of worry and not malice. Know that often the best intended reasons hurt the one's you love the most. Know that you are important even as you feel left behind or so far ahead you no longer relate to those around you. Know that the growth of a spirit is painful and that this pain teaches compassion. I realize this sounds like a bunch of Zen bullshit, but think about what I've said long and hard. Try to relate what has happened to you with the hard learned truths I've listed here. I wish you peace and love. Grow strong through your pain.
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Dear Hyper,
Hi, I write a column here to, and I really enjoy it. Just the fact that you do that, take the time to help other people, even at your age, makes you special, and don't forget that. I am much older and so I do have the benefit of hindsite.....and the best thing I can tell you is this...be patient. You will find that the friends you make later in life, when you are a young adult, say 21 or so, and working or going to college, those will be the friends that will count. Those will be the friends that would never talk behind your back and will never disrespect you. I think your friends don't measure up to you, and they feel inadequate so they put you down. You are not doing it deliberately, you don't have to. You obviously have a good relationship with your boyfriend, it has mutual respect and that is more important than anything. Your girl friends are probably all without boyfriends or areinthe process of being dumped, or have just been dumped. That is the norm for your age group. You don't fit in because you are more mature and above average. You are going to have a wonderful life. Do not change. just be patient. it willcome, you cannot stop it. You will soon forget about these lousy friends and look back and wonder why you bothered to get so upset. I guarantee it. I wish you well and keep up the good work, and I really hope that you are planning on going to college because you are a smart girl, and you write very well. You have a good heart and can help a lot of people.
Good luck to you
Michele
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When you start thinking about other people and trying to understand how they work, how they feel when things aren't working out, giving them well thought out friendly support and advice you start to become more and more self aware and emotionally independent.
You have taken the step of becoming closer and more initimate in a loving relationship and again you grow and develop.
The down side is that not everyone does this at the same rate and people unconsciously resent the way that you are because they would like to be like that but can't just yet.
You WILL find more people like you, but in my experience there are less of them around, it takes a lot of guts to be going down the road of living with compassion and honesty.
The major upside is that your life will be richer for it and the people you gather around you will be great people.
Learn from your experiences, you may not keep those "friends", but there may be one or two who are being carried along by peer pressure and who are actually OK.
It's about growing up and being true to yourself, keeping an open mind and a loving heart.
It's great that you have chosen a boyfriend who can relate to you, make the most of him and enjoy the time you spend with him, the rest will fall into place, this is just a transition.
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I've been in a very similar situation where my friends who I had loved and cared for so much wrote me this stupid note (ho cowardly is it to write a note?) telling me EVERYTHING that was wrong with me. They've done that twice and you know what, I went back to them even after that. That was a mistake and a good thing. You can go back to them, but then again, would you WANT to?
You can't avoid them forever, I tried. I've had the same feelings as you. In my situation, I was too vain but all last year they kept telling me to have confidence and be confident. When I finally do have confidence, they crush it. They more than crushed it, they made it dissappear. It's like your boyfriend, they pressured you to say yes, you did, and then they talk about both of you.
You need to talk to your 'friends' about this. Tell them that they've hurt you and that instead of being back stabbers, they could've told you to your face and then you guys could've actually talked about it or something. Or you could just tell them that they are bitches and they deserve each other, but I wouldn't. lol.
What you need to do is breathe and talk about it with someone. That's what I had to do. I had to talk about it with someone 'cause I was getting to the point where I wasn't me anymore. You can't let that happen. You need to talk about it and then decide to talk to your friends or not. I don't have a lot of time, but you can leave me a message in my inbox or IM me or e-mail because I'd love to you help you out more because I've been in a situation like yours. Feel free.
~Hope that helps~
~K~
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Everyone at some point in their life goes through the phase where the friends they thought were their friends aren't. What you have to do is stick with the friends you know you can trust even if that's only one or two. You will be so much happier this way. You should never to what your friends tell you to do - instead, do what you want to do yourself. When I was living with some friends last year there was a girl who I thought was one of my best friends. What I realised throughout the year was that she was actually bad-mouthing me to all my other friends and telling me to do things just so she could spread gossip. These are the kind of people who are the most messed up. The people who you thought were your friends are having jealousy issues with you and they say things to hurt you to make themselves feel better.
You have to realise that you are far better than those people. I stopped hanging around with this girl and, instead concentrated on the one friend I could trust, and my boyfriend. Now, a few months later, the others have been calling me and say they want to hang with me because this girl is being horrible to them now and they realise how upsetting it is. She now has no friends and lives on her own.
What you have to do is stay away from the people who are being horrible to you and soon they will get bored when they realise they are not affecting you any more. they will go and find someone else to pick on.
By doing this and sticking with the people who make you happy, you will become happier and people will see you for who you are - a happy, honest person- the type of person they want to be friends with too. I hope this helps a little - let me know if there's anything else I can help u with - I have an advice column.
Daisy x x
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Hey, im sorry if this doenst help cause its coming out of a 13 year olds' mouth. Well, personally, i have been through the same thing. You know what i did? I had this one GIANT meeting with all the people that are soppesed to be my friends and i talked to them about how i felt and if they dont care, i just let them go. I got new freinds. But if you are desperate, just keep on hanging on!! at least you still have your boyfriend. Try and make new friends if you can. I know i did. Tell your boyfriend that you really need some help. He will understand you since he loves you. im sorry if that was really stupid but yeah... Good luck in the future!
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