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Do I leave him homeless??
I'm in a horrible situation and need help fast. I'm 22 and he is 22, slightly younger than me. I have no one to talk to because I'm not supposed to be talking to him. I met this guy a year ago through a friend when he moved here from another state. He was staying with his friend who lived with my friend. I was also moving into an apartment at the same time. It's my first apartment and I got it all on my own. Me, jumping into adult life quickly, I let this guy stay at my apartment and then lived there and we were dating. Things got real ugly. Long story shot, I've called the cops on him 3 times, had him sent to a mental help place for saying he was going to kill himself, and he's punched a hole through my door and stolen hundreds from me, both cash from my wallet and items that were sold. He's broken 2 or 3 of his phones, smashed electronics I bought, screamed at me making me hyperventilate and lock myself in the bathroom to call the cops.
At one point, I told my parents what happened and my dad came down from another state to stay with me and change my locks because I didn't feel safe. He also pushed me into going to the police station to start the process of a restraining order against this guy.
We had a court date set. To give you an idea of how careless this guy is, he brought over flowers when he knew my dad was here staying with me after all of this. He does NOT think things through or think of consequences.
I didn't know where he was at this time. The court date was probably a week away and I was having second thoughts about a restraining order. I even went to a center for women who are abused to talk to them and get some insight on whether I should go through with it. I was torn. He was my best friend. One night when I was home alone, I started to think a lot and cry and I called him.
He was staying at a friend's apartment not far from me. I told him to just not go to the court date and I wouldn't either. I mostly just felt that he was my best friend and I couldn't do it. I was so close to him. We related a lot. Soon after, the restraining order case was dropped, and the lease was ending at the apartment he was staying at.
I, unfortunately, allowed him in. I told him it was temporary, and that I didn't want to date. But I couldn't let him live on the street or at a shelter. But, he sleeps with me and we act like a couple in secret.
Now, he's gone through MANY jobs and can't keep one. Constantly asks for money and things that I believe he'll pay me back for. He smokes marijuana outside of my apartment (I do NOT smoke). He does not pay rent. I have to watch what I say. I can't bring any friends over. I can't talk to anyone about it. I measure how mad he is by how hard he slams the door. I am CONSTANTLY STRESSED. I work so much and he just stays here.
Out of fear, I can't say too much how I don't want to be kissing him or talking sweet to him because he gets extremely upset and cries and will scream. So I live, just, carefully and it's the same stuff every day.
I'm so sorry this is long. I really, really need help. I am SO stuck.
My dad is moving down here and he cannot be here. But he has no where to go. So I told him a month ago he needed to be out. It's now that time and only now he is messaging people for somewhere to live and no one is answering. Do I just stand my ground and say he needs to be out by tomorrow night regardless? He's saying he'll live in his car, but he doesn't realize what that all entails. His parents won't even take him back. No friends. I can't do this anymore. I want to be free. What would you do?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
It looks to me as if you have ended up in a position where you feel responsible and accountable for the fortunes of this man. And that you have made a significant investment in him, which indeed you have. This second part you may be aware of or unaware of, but suffice to say we are reluctant to abandon our investments even when they seem vey unlikely to give us any return worth having. Sometimes however, we must. I would say that he has either instigated and carefully cultivated this in you, in order to improve his own circumstances and prospects. Or he has simply found himself in such a position. If it is instance one, I'm afraid you've been played. In the second instance you have inadvertently 'played yourself'. The result is the same in eiher case. The fact that none of his other acquaintances are willing to offer the slightest help should certainly get the alarm bells ringing in your head. It is remarkably easy to fall into situations like this, particularly if you are naturally a 'caring/nurturing' pesonality type. And one who believes in the underlying good in others. The belief that we can solve anything if we give enough of our own time and effort and understanding. From a lot of what you have said this man appears to be more volunteer than victim in many of his misfortunes. In all honesty I cannot see the relationship ever developing and maturing into an equal, loving one. One with mutual respect and consideration. The sort of relationship which in fact you deserve and have every right to expect. We cannot base such a relationship on a mash-up of misplaced guilt and sympathy. In short I think you should cut him out of your life. His tale does not sound a happy one, granted. But he's really not your responsibilty, is he? Not unless you chose to make him so. And precisely what do you stand to gain from doing this? You have already tried, and tried hard. Far more than most people would. There are people who the world simply cuts adrift and 'leaves behind' as you might say. This guy has 'sinking ship' written large on him, and tying yourself to a sinking ship is not a great idea since all you'll do is go down with it. The only person who can ultimately save this man is himself. The appointed wellfare authorities and organisations are his life-lines. Not you.
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You actually know what you have to do for your own safety but you're being too soft hearted to act on it.
You have to get him out of your life - now! He is not going to improve and he could end up doing you serious damage, even killing you. At no point has he shown he can act in an adult, reasonable and responsible way and he's made you so scared of him you were going to take out a restraining order against him. What do you think your parents and friends would think about this? You know, otherwise you would not be having a secret relationship with him now.
Where he lives when he moves out is his problem, not yours. He has created this situation and he has to deal with it. You may well care about him but he's not your best friend as they wouldn't act this way. He's on a self destruct cycle and he's taking you with him. Get out of it now!
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Dear Girl try to understand very carefully following Facts:-
1) He is of no use and value to you.
2) He is in fact using your weakness of love for him .
3) He will be a big irreversible problem for you in the coming future .
4) Even now if you leave him alone he will all the time interrupt in your personal life and will make it a hell for you.
5) He is having and slowly developing criminal attitude inside him which will cause a severe harm to you any time .
6) You are wasting your energies and time and mental health for nothing '
SO GET RID OF HIM AS SOON AS YOU CAN HE IS NOT CURABLE AND IS GENETICALLY ABNORMAL AND UNFIT PERSON
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Yes leave him alone. He is abusive and you shouldn't have taken him back into your home and your life, but since u did I think it is time to get rid of him. Let him know the time has come and he has to go. Trust me you don't want that in your life. You seem to be someone who moves very quickly and that isn't a good thing. Get rid of him and do you. And be careful. Be careful with who you let into your life and your home. There is a reason why noone is accepting him back into their lives'. Trust me do yourself a favor and just get him completely out of your life and enjoy your life with him out of it. Nothing will come of it with you letting him stay in your life.
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He is 22 it is time for him to put on his big boy pants and be an adult. By forcing him out you are performing an act of tough love which from what you have written is what he needs. By Housing him,feeding him and everything else you may do for him you are enabling him to never stand on his own two feet.
He may need professional help to find himself and become an adult. With an enabler doing for him he has not hit the low he needs to hit to be motivated to help himself. HE needs to hit bottom before he will seek proper help and you must allow that to happen or he never will.
From what you have written you are in a very toxic relationship. You need to stand your ground and have him leave your apartment. You also have to make sure he never is able to return
Now every state has different laws regarding matters like this. Basically given the time he has lived there he can voluntarily move out but if you want him out he needs to be evicted as your home is also his home even though he does not pay rent. He lives with you, he sleeps with you and he receives his mail at your apartment. Your home is his home therefore he needs to be legally evicted,
You need to do two things to make his removal permanent. First file again for the restraining order. Second see the clerk of the Court at District Court and file for eviction of him. Once evicted he can no longer claim resident status. Then you can change the locks again.
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Hi dear,
First I admire all of your efforts in trying to make this situation of yours better second, I am disappointed because of the intelligence you own in not realising what you have to do here. You're a smart independent woman. A woman that most men would be attracted to, your qualities should be enjoyed by someone who is sane. This reminds me of an incident I had read last week. A woman in your exact position living with someone who is clearly physically and emotionally abusive, one day things took there fate and she was shot because of his insecurity. I am not implying that this will happen to you, but if you do not get this man out of your house you will be in a bigger situation than u are now. You are not responsible for him, you're not his mother. You're a beautiful soul that has shown kindness to someone and you now feel responsible for him. My advice to you is, listen to everything your father has said to you, he is older and wiser than we will ever be. Get this man out of your house these are subtle signs of abuse and the next time he isn't going to take his frustrations out on the wall it's going to be you. Please for your safety put aside your feelings and GET HIM OUT. He has made it living life before you ever met him and he will now. I am 22 living with abusive parents, I am unable to move out on my own and you do not realise how fortunate you are, don't let anyone take away your independence and don't let anyone tell you who you're allowed to associate with. A relationship is compromise and he is doing far from that, I hope u will write me again giving me good news, be strong and do the right thing, if you were to have a kid with this man ask yourself, would you feel safe leaving your child around him?
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This really seems like a zero-sum problem. It is difficult so see how taking care of him won't ever compromise taking care of yourself, and vice versa. This is exactly why Nietzsche so hated altruism! It can be such a quagmire. Eventually, you may be forced to choose, unless you get creative. In order to eat your cake and have it too, ask yourself: Even if you had vast resources, what would you want to do? Here's another possible approach, but this will take a lot of work: Call social services and report this situation as an ongoing psychiatric emergency, and let them guide you. Also seek support for yourself, as a competent and committed care giver, and not just as a habitual victim staving in recovery. Tell them that you are his family of choice, so that they won’t expect you to come to your senses and save yourself. What he needs is treatment in a setting of a supervised living arrangement. And this is not something that you can provide. You could still be an important part of his life. This is the only distant possibility that occurs to me, for reconciling these conflicting priorities. Good luck. Let’s keep in touch.
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If your dad is moving there. Then you got a good way out without seeming like the badguy. You can tell him that your dad is moving there and is going to stay with you and he can't be there. Its not open to discussion. Your dad IS definitely moving there and the guy cannot be there. Its gonna happen. Make it very clear to him. You can give him another week or whatever amount of time to get his ass in gear and find a place to stay. But your dad is coming on said date and he has to be out whether he found a place or not. Its out of your control and there is nothing you can do about it. That way he doesn't think it was your decision to kick him out to the street.
I had to deal with an ex that wouldn't leave. It was my apartment and my name on the lease. Not hers and she refused to leave. She was also unstable and prone to fits and sometimes violent, manic and has also threatened to kill herself. (she has threatened with suicide a lot of times, never did it) So, I think this is a good way to get rid off him and get yourself off the hook for being the bad guy. There'll be less drama if he thinks it was out of your hands. Or something else that he can't blame you directly. Like that the apartment management found out he's there and is not on the lease and that they demand that he sign up for the lease (which they need a credit check, paycheck stubs, etc. Which he doesn't have.) So he can't apply. You can tell him that they said either he leaves, or you both leave, as you are breaking the lease agreement. So, he's gonna have to go. You can even make it official looking, like you received a paper from the management saying that. Things on paper have more of an impact then just saying it. Have it signed "management" with some signature and everything. Make it look legit. So he is convinced by the piece of paper, without you having to say anything. You can even put on the paper that they will be conducting an inspection (by whenever you want him and his stuff out) to make sure that you're the only one living there. I don't know if apartments do this, but you could even put that since you violated the agreement, you're on probation and will be subject to random inspections, for a period of time. This would just be a little extra insurance, so he doesn't get his stuff out by the date of the first inspection, then comes back after that date. You would act upset as you hand him the paper. He is getting you in trouble at the apartments. Milk the being upset by this letter. Maybe he'll realize me might mess things up for you and get you kicked out too. And maybe will try harder to find a place, so as to not get you in trouble.
With someone like that, you should pass the blame to "a higher power" (something that is out of your control). So he can't blame you and his shenanigans won't work this time cause you're not the one making the decision. Your hands are tied.
As for feeling bad, you're going to feel bad probably. But its not your fault. He is taking advantage of your kindness and will continue to do so. He's not your responsibility and you should not feel responsible for him. You did more than enough and I'm surprised he's still there considering he stole from you and all that other stuff.
He's at least got a car, he's not gonna be sleeping on the sidewalk. There's food stamps, so he won't starve, and government job placement stuff. He doesn't try hard because he knows he can just keep milking you and throw a tantrum and threaten to kill himself to get sympathy to get his way. Don't let him keep playing you. He is toxic and will continue to take advantage of you. Again, redirect blame to a power outside of yourself, something out of your control, so he doesn't retaliate with hating you, or violence, or threats, etc.
Don't feel bad, you're a good person and you did a lot for him already. Living how you're living is no way to live. Gotta cut those toxic people out even if it hurts at first. It'll be worth it in the long run. Good luck!
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I would leave him. You have to think of your safety and if he is putting your safety at risk then obviously he doesn’t care about you. You need to be happy and make friends!!! Stay safe honey, thank you for your time.
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