Cavatica's advice column

askCavatica

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: Ok, I really really want to be an actress. And after my friend Claire Lyons got a part in a movie, I want to be an actress even more. But my parents won't let me do auditions and told me to stop dreaming. I am only 13 and I think that kid parts are way more fun than grown up parts. But at this rate, I have to wait till I grow up. So help please......

Hi -

If you bring your parents with you to an audition at a local community theater, they'll see the degree of professionalism that is shown there. There are many many theatrical performances that feature those under 18.

Does your school offer acting classes? Does your community offer them?

Prepare a two minute monologue and cater to your strengths (comedy/dramatic). Do you sing well? Can you do acrobatics? Can you dance (ballet/tap/jazz/modern)? Are you able to do accents well? Can you really get into the emotional breadth of the character?

Don't let anyone tell you you're too young. (People with dreams don't have much.) Learn about the craft of acting. Ask your friend for tips, too.

Good luck!
~ Cavatica

Q: I've always been a very conservative girl when it comes to sex. I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend months ago & recently we broke up. He played games with me afterwards and me being lovestruck, gave in and we had sex. He broke it off again, then came crawling back and me being stupid, had sex with him again. I feel like a complete slut; he played me both times, and now I'm left with a bigger broken heart. I'm never that stupid, but something came over me and now I feel like he totally used me and I can't rid myself of this horrible feeling. I used to be a good girl with her head straight and now I'm so mad at myself. How can I get over this? (17/F)

Oh, sweetie, you're not a slut, as the other advice givers said. You've only had sexual intercourse with one person whom you loved. In no way does that make you a 'slut.'

How CAN you get over this? By all means, continue to be conservative and selective. Of course you're still hurting - you feel ashamed at having given in to sexual intercourse when you didn't really want to - maybe you wanted affection, but not sex? Maybe you wanted closure on the relationship? Of course it hurts to know that someone you trusted and loved didn't treat you in the way you deserve. You're human, sweetie, we all make mistakes like this - I don't think you're unusual at all.

Don't let this experience sour you in relationships. Have fun, date, etc., but stay true to yourself and the boundaries you've set for yourself. Not all guys are like your ex-boyfriend. Really. They're not. If you don't want to have sex, don't. No guy will pressure you to have sex with him if he truly cares for you.

Hopefully,
Cavatica

Q: Okay 25/F here with major realtionship issues. Recently me and my boyfriend of 7 years decided to have a separation, well more like I decided. So he moved out (we own a house together) and I have now been living alone for 3 weeks. The plan was for him to go get help and for me to sort out my feelings and then he would move back in after a month and then we could see how things went from there. So why did we separate? He is very controlling and jealous, he was constantly calling me names and accusing me of cheating, so basically calling me a whore. He say's he doesn't really think I cheat but he just gets mad and that he's jealous of my job, because they get more attention then I do. I am never allowed to go anywhere and have alienated every friend beacuse he thinks that you should not go out unless your significant other is with you. So there's no "girls night" for me. If I even go to the store he clocks me and gets pissed about how long I take. The longer we're together the less I cuddle, kiss or do anything with him at all. The only time I am intimate with him, I am being forced by him complaining and some sense of duty for the relationship. Basically it's aweful and his touch disgusts me now. Despite all his faults he loves me very much perhaps too much and he has always been there for me when I had tough things to deal with. He wants to marry me and have kids but I am not ready for that, I care about him but for some reason I can't seem to marry him. On top of it all I have formed this infatuation for a co-worker and my BF senses their is something between me and this other guy, if he even new about flirting then he would seriously go down there and beat him to a pulp. So our month break thing is almost up, and I still don't know what I want, he has been going to a Psychologist and he recognizes his problems and I appreciate his effort but I can't seem to make myself "feel" and he says that I just don't care, but I do I just can't explain what it is I feel. If I leave him he will serisouly snap, he already threatened to kill himself when I asked for the separation. I don't know what to do, if he really did change will my feelings all come back or did I fall out of love with him and is it too late? Or am I so focused on this other guy that I am not appreciating what I already have. I feel so lost right now. :(

Hi, it has been 5 months since you posted your letter, and it's possible you might not read this, but I'll give it a shot. By now, you've probably made up your mind about what to do, so if you don't mind another opinion...

OK, so you were with this guy for seven years, and that's a lot of time invested...but frankly, why would you stay? You didn't mention even ONE good quality, and several bad ones (name-calling, jealousy, controlling). (In my mind, those bad ones would outweigh ANY good qualities.)

My advice - if I had seen your column sooner than, say, December - would have been to take a break from dating. You were seventeen when you started dating this controlling jerk -- you need to decompress, sort out your feelings, maybe get yourself into therapy -- you were a teenager, and now that you're an adult, you're realizing you're worth much more than what this abuser can offer you.

Learn about YOU - what makes you feel good? What are your interests? The sooner you develop a sense of self, the sooner you'll be much more selective in choosing men.

Hopefully,
Cavatica

Q: how do you know when you like someone enough to actually have sex with them

Hello,

Can you talk about your feelings with them? Have you discussed birth control options and what you would do if the young lady became pregnant? Can you spend time with them outside of having sex? Do you love the other person? Do you enjoy their company?

If you can't (or won't) say 'yes' to the above, why would you have sex with them? People don't often talk about the emotional ramifications afterwards - suppose you (or the other person) found someone else next week? Or if you received an STD? What would you do? Those things could all happen.

If you can say yes to the above and you're not feeling pressured to have sex, tread carefully anyhow. Make certain both of you want to share in this experience. Use condoms and don't be under the influence.

Gracefully,
Cavatica

Q: My bf has a real mean streak in him when it comes to gay people. Well he told me one day that every time Queer Eye For The Straight Guy came on tv he felt like throwing his boot threw the screen. He also said he wanted to hurt Boy George every time one of his songs came on the radio; and when I told him I liked Will and Grace he gave me the dirtiest look. He doesnt just put down gays either he also makes derogatory remarks about women; that we are inferior to men and that they are smarter. It's also the WAY he says these things too; with so much hate in his voice. This one time I jokingly said women were smarter then men and he yelled "prove it"! And then he pulled out a chain linked puzzle. He said if I was so smart I could figure it out under a minute. I couldnt and he yelled "SEE"! Should I break up with him?

Hello!

Your boyfriend wants to throw his boot at the TV, wants to physically hurt celebrities, and gives you dirty looks when you said you liked a TV show...and you're asking whether or not you should break up with him?

He's immature and has a mean streak - toward both gays (and WOMEN) and you want to stay with him? Why? That's a dealbreaker for you.

Look, honey, figure out what you want out of your life, with or without a guy. Learn to like yourself so that the next time some jerk wants to date you, you'll have enough self-esteem to say no right away.

It's been said before, but you really do deserve a nice and thoughtful boyfriend - but learn how to treat yourself nicely first.

Hopefully,
Cavatica

Q: I have had sex with girls before and I like it when I am doing it except I want to stop and when my friends that I do it with come over we say we wont but it seems we always do no matter what. HELP PLEASE I am a Christian and I dont know why I am doing it I feel bad after but then lust comes in my life please help me get rid of it. HELP me give ideas or anything cause right now I feel my lust coming back and my friends in the other room waiting for me I said I was checkin my mail help what do I do.....!!!!!!!!!! :(

Greetings,

It's perfectly normal to feel lust, and it's also perfectly normal to masturbate.

Your guilty feelings may arise because you're not being true to yourself as a Christian. The guilt that you feel now is nothing compared to how you'd feel in nine months if one of these young ladies announces her pregnancy.

What's your rush to have full blown intercourse, anyway? Please remember during every sexual encounter, there's a chance of pregnancy or STD's (have you been tested?) even with the use of condoms (they break, sometimes).

Communicate your anxiety with these young women...if you can't talk to them about your feelings, what are you doing sleeping with them?

Honestly,
Cavatica

Q: okay so my boyfriend does dip and i really hate it..ive told him this before and his last girlfriend even broke up with him because of it..you guys are probally gonna say if he loved you enough he would stop and you should end things but i really really like him and i dont want us to break up..how can i help him quit..or atleast convice him too?

Hello,

OK, so you like him and you don't want to leave him because the relationship is pretty decent IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE DIPPING (which can cause mouth and tongue cancer).

He probably thinks 'dipping' is cool (it's not) and it may be just a phase. (I remember when I was in junior high; most of the guys dipped during class and spit the remains in a plastic bottle....ewwwww!!!)

So fast forward six months - say he's still dipping. In fact, say he never stops. Would you stay with him?

Think about what you want out of a relationship. What behaviors will you and won't you tolerate? It's perfectly OK to want him to stop (anyone would) and to say to him, "As long as you're dipping, I can't be in a relationship with you." In fact, if he sees that you won't kiss him if he dips, that's incentive right there for him to stop.

Dippingly,
Cavatica

Q: My bf is the owner and chef of a small cafe in town. I've been hearing stories from two of the waitresses that work for him that he is a complete jerk to work for. One of them told me that once he threw something and yelled "how many times do I have to show you"! He will scream and holler at them in front of all the customers if they screw up an order when it's busy. One time I went in to talk to one of the waitresses and he yelled "no talking while your working"! I was so embarrassed for her that I left. I heard he also said once "I would fire you if I wasnt' friends with you" to another worker. My concern is if he has this much anger at his work that he could turn it on me. Should I get out?

Hello,

How much more evidence do you need? You're already questioning this relationship. The waitresses informed you - his girlfriend - that he was a "complete jerk" to work for.

Eventually - and I'm not saying tomorrow, or next week - he will take that anger out of you in some fashion. Do you really want to be humiliated in public?

You wouldn't have written if that little voice in you indicated something was wrong. His behavior is disrespectful toward other people. There are kind and gentle men out there and I hope you'll find one.

Kindly,
Cavatica

Q: I'm a 28/f.I used to always tell my ex that I never wanted to go back to school. This is mainly due to low self esteem as a direct cause from his abusive behavior. I do have a job just not a high paying one. Well we broke up about 6 months ago because he was being a complete jerk. This last couple of months I've been working on my self esteem and I'm even going back to school to be a personal trainer! I have not seen or talked to my ex in all this time. Well recently one of my ex's friends paid me a visit. He was asking all sorts of questions like how the job was going. I told him entuisiastically I was going to school to be a personal trainer and he got this shocked; almost worried look on his face. I have no idea why- but I wouldnt be suprised if my ex is getting him to get info on me. What do you guys think? And why would he look worried?

Good morning,

First of all, I'd like to commend you for having the courage to leave your abusive ex.

It's wonderful that you're paying attention to your needs - going back to school, having a job, and raising your self-esteem...keep at it! (Believe me, if you can leave your ex, you can do anything!) Please, please - do not go back to him.

Your ex realizes that you've improved yourself without his support - not that he probably gave you much in the way of emotional support, anyway - and he doesn't much like it. But who cares?

You deserve a respectful and loving boyfriend and he's not it.

Proudly,
Cavatica

Q: 17/f

ok. So I lost my viriginity today. We used a condom, and he's been tested so I know he's clean. When it happened it hurt a lot, but it's normal, right? I also didn't start bleeding until about an hour after it happened. It stopped, but my stomach still hurts.

So basically here's my question:
How long will it take until sex stops hurting?

I can def. see us doing it again in the future, maybe as soon as next week. Will it still hurt? I had fun anyway with the fooling around we did, but I'd like to enjoy it as much as he has, lol.

Thanks in advance!
-L

Hello, L:

First of all, it's great that you thought about condoms.

It's not unusual to have sexual intercourse hurt and cause bleeding the first time.

When I first read your note, I thought that perhaps it hurts you because you weren't lubricated enough. Do you enjoy touching him? Do you enjoy his touching you? Do you enjoy giving/receiving oral sex? More often than not, those activities will create arousal and you'll be able to better enjoy intercourse.

Enjoy!
Cavatica

Q: I'm dating this guy in college who seems to always be busy which I understand of course... we've been dating for over a month now and we usually go out once every week since well he's in college and i'm not. I feel like he's emotionally callous when it comes to online conversations or better yet conversations in person. He just doesn't seem to understand how I feel... for instance today was the last day that we were going to hang out before christmas break since he's going back to his home town... I texted him to ask him to come over and he gave me these excuses of him having a headache and feeling like shit and that he had to do this scholarship thing... I was very angry and sad and I just texted him saying, "it's okay i'll understand if you can't come over just as long as you get better." He said, "sorry" but I mean he really gets me angry a lot... it's like he doesn't understand me and seems to be more disattached to this thing that we have. We're not official but even so we have been dating for this long and he should at least know how to be a good guy... So anyway, here I am really sad and angry and he's online giving me all these political articles like him not coming over is not a big deal at all... it's really getting me worked up and wondering whether or not I should even waste my time on someone like him... I know he's not cheating on me just cause he's honest and is not like that... but I mean come on we planned today's date 2 weeks ago and talked about it yesterday... I just don't know what I should do...

Yes, you DO know what to do. If a guy is really into you, he'll want to see you, and he'll call, and he'll make plans with you. If he were as honest as you claim, he would've said, "I'm sorry, but this relationship isn't working out for me." Maybe YOU could take the initiative and say that.

In the future, anyone whom you would describe as 'emotionally callous' is someone you want to avoid.

Sympathetically,
Cavatica

Q: I did something a couple of months ago that at the time I thought I did the right thing but now I'm regretting it. Well basically what happened is the man I was in love with who I thought loved me back dumped me very cruelly. I told him that I wouldn't have an affair; or get invovled sexually with him as long as he was married. Instead of respecting my decision he told me he wanted nothing to do with me. The reason I thought he did want to be with me is because he kept asking me if I wanted children and that I'd be a great mom and he had never had kids. I also knew he was really unhappy with his wife. I thought he loved me and he obviously was leading me on and just telling me what I wanted to hear so eventually I would sleep with him. I guess I just need someone to tell me that I did the right thing because I've been feeling so down about this.

Hi,

You KNOW you did the right thing. You were honest with him - telling him you wouldn't have an affair or become sexually involved with him while he remained married - and he decided not to talk to you anymore.
Sure, you loved him, but it's better to be in a relationship where you get the respect you deserve - and you won't find that with a cheating husband. Imagine if you'd slept with him after which he would have *dumped* you - you got out just in time!

Empathically,
Cavatica

bio

Welcome to my advice column!

I am Cavatica, 35 years young, and live in New England.

My family and friends - God bless them! - consider me compassionate, caring, and empathetic. It took me many years to realize the importance of loving myself and being true to my beliefs and values.

As someone famous once said - *Act Worthy of Yourself.* Please do.

~ Cavatica