|
Can he really change?
Okay 25/F here with major realtionship issues. Recently me and my boyfriend of 7 years decided to have a separation, well more like I decided. So he moved out (we own a house together) and I have now been living alone for 3 weeks. The plan was for him to go get help and for me to sort out my feelings and then he would move back in after a month and then we could see how things went from there. So why did we separate? He is very controlling and jealous, he was constantly calling me names and accusing me of cheating, so basically calling me a whore. He say's he doesn't really think I cheat but he just gets mad and that he's jealous of my job, because they get more attention then I do. I am never allowed to go anywhere and have alienated every friend beacuse he thinks that you should not go out unless your significant other is with you. So there's no "girls night" for me. If I even go to the store he clocks me and gets pissed about how long I take. The longer we're together the less I cuddle, kiss or do anything with him at all. The only time I am intimate with him, I am being forced by him complaining and some sense of duty for the relationship. Basically it's aweful and his touch disgusts me now. Despite all his faults he loves me very much perhaps too much and he has always been there for me when I had tough things to deal with. He wants to marry me and have kids but I am not ready for that, I care about him but for some reason I can't seem to marry him. On top of it all I have formed this infatuation for a co-worker and my BF senses their is something between me and this other guy, if he even new about flirting then he would seriously go down there and beat him to a pulp. So our month break thing is almost up, and I still don't know what I want, he has been going to a Psychologist and he recognizes his problems and I appreciate his effort but I can't seem to make myself "feel" and he says that I just don't care, but I do I just can't explain what it is I feel. If I leave him he will serisouly snap, he already threatened to kill himself when I asked for the separation. I don't know what to do, if he really did change will my feelings all come back or did I fall out of love with him and is it too late? Or am I so focused on this other guy that I am not appreciating what I already have. I feel so lost right now. :(
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hi, it has been 5 months since you posted your letter, and it's possible you might not read this, but I'll give it a shot. By now, you've probably made up your mind about what to do, so if you don't mind another opinion...
OK, so you were with this guy for seven years, and that's a lot of time invested...but frankly, why would you stay? You didn't mention even ONE good quality, and several bad ones (name-calling, jealousy, controlling). (In my mind, those bad ones would outweigh ANY good qualities.)
My advice - if I had seen your column sooner than, say, December - would have been to take a break from dating. You were seventeen when you started dating this controlling jerk -- you need to decompress, sort out your feelings, maybe get yourself into therapy -- you were a teenager, and now that you're an adult, you're realizing you're worth much more than what this abuser can offer you.
Learn about YOU - what makes you feel good? What are your interests? The sooner you develop a sense of self, the sooner you'll be much more selective in choosing men.
Hopefully,
Cavatica
]
It doesn't sound to me like love honey, but obsession and that is way different than love. Love is kind and giving while obsession is demanding and controling. Ring a bell?? Do you really want to spend your life being controled and not having healthy friendships? I would think not. I think it's great that he is getting help and that he atleast does recognise that he does have a problem. I really don't think a month is long enough to wait. It takes a while to deal with these kind of issues. The way you say this guy makes you feel and the fact that you are interested in someone else leads me to believe you are ready to break things off permanantly but you are stayign with him out of guilt. I mean he IS getting help so he can be with you right? So you owe it to him right? wrong!! Wether you two are together or not he needs help with these issues. I'm not saying you have to be unkind but I think you are ready to move on. If that is what you are feeling then that is what you should do. Staying with him will only lead to resentment. You will feel pressured to stay with him and that will only lead to other problems. As far as him threatening to kill himself that is more than likely just another way of controling you. If he threatens this again and you are sincerely concerned he might be a danger to himself you can call 911 and let them take care of it.Do what your heart tells you to do. Don't operate out of guilt, but rather what you feel is best for you.
]
Dear,torn apart I gotta say you sound like your really looking for full heart help and i will try my best.If you truly love this guy and he loves you,he should understand about you wanting to take it slow..have you tried praising him about trying to get help? if not try it the more you both convide in eachother the better things will be...as for you Boy friend he sounds way too obsessive explain to him you need some time alone and as far as your job goes explain to him in a nice mannor that he needs to trust you ..remember without no trust there can be no relationship..try and hang in there i'm praying for you. Your friend Violet
]
It is possible that during your separation you are enjoying the attention this other guy gives you. If you really want to try and make your relationship work you could always let him move back temporarily or better yet "date" him a while longer.
The problems you have with him are serious ones. You won't be able to live with someone that controlling. Not to mention it is a sign that he could get physically abusive. If he doesn't change his behavior there is no way you should move him back in.
Probably the best indicator would be weather or not you lost feelings for him before he left. If you did you may be better off just ending it and getting it over with. Don't feel guilty about it either. He needed the help.
If he threatens suicide contact his parents and pass the burden on to them. You cannot be responsible for someone else's life. So, if he does it is not your problem (cruel as that sounds).
If he threatens you in the process contact the police ASAP. Do not take any threats lightly.
Good luck, I hope everything works out for you. :)
]
You seem to be torn in many different ways. First of all, I will tell you that he will NOT kill himself if you seperate him for good. From past experience, as much as they say it, they will eventually move on. I think the best thing you can do is leave him. Do it slowly, however, keeping his feelings in mind. He has tried to change, and it shows, but it may be too late for you to change how you feel about him. Try to remain friends, because it seems that he would be a better friend than a boyfriend or husband.
]
I think how he acted before the seperation totally changed your outlook on him and his personality towards you. He has been so controlling for so long that you probably cant see him acting any differently. I dont think you lost love but maybe this relationship isnt working for you and if u cant be intimate or anything that might be a sign. If you have stronger feelings for the other guy than I think you should go for it but if you do..dont break up with your boyfriend and then automatically go to the other guy you have to wait a little bit so your boyfriend doesnt find out and get really angry and lash out at you or the other guy..i hope i have helped and i wish you the best of luck!
]
More Questions: |