Asuka's advice column

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Q: ok im 19 and i have been with my man for like, a year and a half. the guy hasn't had sex in almost 2 years and i am still a virgin. he knows and respects that. But recently he has become sexually frustrated b/c we live together and he says it feels like we are already married with out any of ther perks ... meaning sex. im scared and i want to sleep with him i really do, but im afraid of the pain. he told me there are only two options for this situation. 1: I allow him to go and strictly have sex with another woman, just to get rid of the frustration (but he said he doesnt want that cuz he knows it will hurt me) or 2: for me to get over my fear and go through with it.

well, it all boils down to im afraid of both options, and well, i don't face fears very well. what should i do? Any kind of advice is welcome please help me out.

There are always more options than just those two. If you're not ready to have sex, he should respect that. "Marriage" without the perks? Please. Marriage is so much more than sex and so is a relationship, even when you're living together. However, if it is just a matter of the pain, it is something you're going to deal with eventually, so if you really want to have sex with him, do so. But if you're really not ready and just feel pressured, then you need to talk to him and if he can't accept that, find someone else. I know I would be doing that if my boyfriend said "sleep with me or I'll find some other woman you know, just to sleep with."

Q: This is probably going to be a dumb question, but I have no idea what I want for my birthday. It's June 11th. I want some money, but like I don't NEED anything. I mean I do, but uh?

My boyfriend keeps pestering me asking me what I want, and I have no clue what to tell him. (Him, 17 & I'll be 15.) If that helps at all. I just need some kind of a ideas.

Please + Thanks.

You could always ask for gift cards to your favorite store to use later or even money, which you could put into a savings account for something you might want to have later. :)

Q: im 13/f and ive been waiting since i was 9 years old to get braces. my parents say there too expensive but the cheapest weve found so far was $4,220 and it doesnt get any cheaper then that. i am sooooooo self conscious about my teeth, they're crooked and NEED braces but our insurance doesnt cover it. my mom said we have to wait 2 more years, but i CANT. i just cant. i need them and i can't wait, and the older i get the more fcked my teeth are gonna get which needs more care which equals more $$. what should me and my family do?

That's not necessarily true that the longer you wait, the worse your teeth are get, since I doubt any are going to move significantly on their own.

Braces are very expensive, but if the insurance doesn't cover it, perhaps your parents could see if an orthodontist offers a payment plan? Many do and this is how most braces are afforded.

Q:

i sweat all the time.
and i've tried basically everything.
certain dri. and that new stuff by secret.
doesnt help. nothing does.
SOMEONE help. i cant always wear jackets.
and worry about sweating. its driving me insane.
and it's making me self concious and really depressed

Some people just have a condition called hyperhydrosis, which just means excessive sweating. The best thing to do if no over the counter deodorants are working is to go to the doctor and request a prescription deodorant or some other solution.

Q: when you are on your period do you gain or lose weight?
thanks

Having a period doesn't cause actual weight gain or loss, at least not significantly. Also, it depends on the person's body, as different people's genetic makeup can have different effects on how they lose or gain weight, even during a period. Most people just feel bloated or gain an extra pound or so from water retention, which can easily be solved with diurex or even midol, as some midol formulas contain diuretics.

Q: my family just got a cat in december.
the cat was being so good,
but something changed i guess?
the cat sleeps on my bed at night,
and i think it was 3 nights i accidently closed my door so the cat couldnt get out.
the cat peed on my laundry and pooped on my carpet.
gross.. i know.
but now, last night i left the door open..
but she still pooped and peed on it.
my dad says if he catches her doing it again,
he'll get rid of her.
all i could think of doing is locking the cat out of my room at night.
but then.. what if she pees in my dads room?
then he'll really get rid of her.
how do i make this cat stop peeing and pooping everywhere?

If she's not spayed (Which you should get her spayed for her own health, even if she can't get out of the house), she could be marking. Spaying should fix that. Another possible reason is that she could have a urinary tract infection and/or an anal gland problem. So, definitely take her to the vet. UTIs in particular can turn deadly quickly by leading to kidney failure.

Q: Does anybody have any pet care tips for a rat?? I just got one. Like, what are their favorite foods and what activities do they like??? Anyone who has a rat, gimmie some tips!!! Thanx!! I rate high

Spend as much time as you can with it. You said you only got one...and rats are very social creatures. They get depressed very easily if they're kept alone and you don't play with them. You might consider purchasing another (of the same sex!) if you know you won't be able to do that. Rats love sunflower seeds and COOKED rice. Make sure it's cooked, because if you give it raw rice and it drinks water...yeah.

I'm glad you decided to get a rat! They really are great pets and creatures, they're just a little misunderstood. ^_^

Q: Ok so here is the deal i wanna tell people about god. and i know that it is a good thing andi have planned to sing at this years talent show. like a gossple song i dunno what i am gunna sing but i do know i am gunna do it but what i don't know to do is
how to show people that i am a strong christian.

how do i approach people into asking god into there lives and stuff

thnx

I am not a Christian, I am a Pagan. What you must realize before attempting this is that not everyone has the same religion. The same religion isn't going to benefit everyone. People are different and therefore, believe differently. Please, be open-minded to this. You can talk to them about it as best you can, but do NOT say "Well, this is the one true way..." because you cannot prove that and no one else can disprove it. Also, do not tell people they are going to Hell if they don't believe what you say. Good people are good people, whether they are a Christian or not. So instead of lecturing people and using scare tactics, set an example in yourself. It might help out your fellow christians too.

Just remember, Jesus was open-minded, loving and caring. If you are the same, it will show that you are not only a strong, good person, but a strong, good Christian.

Q: Alright, i'm looking for a religion. I'm not christian, i know that. It doesn't feel right.

I'm kind of thinking about being a wiccan, my friend said it would be perfect for me. She was looking for a religion for a while like i am, but she found wicca, and she really likes it.

Does anyone out there know what its all about, or have any good sites about it?

Wicca is a nature worshipping religion for the most part. It is also polytheistic to a sort. Mostly dualistic as we believe in the God and Goddess. The goddesss has a triple aspect to her - Mother, Maiden and Crone.

I would recommend books to you instead of sites. I never really found any useful information from sites...so I recommend authors D.J. Conway, Scott Cunningham, and Raymond Buckland.

Q: i'm thinking about becoming wiccan. does anyone know of any good websites or books i can look at?

thank you in advance. :)

Hello! I myself have wiccan and have been for about three years. I just want to make sure you know this. Wicca IS a religion. It isn't about the spells. They're like an added bonus of sorts. Wiccans that don't cast spells at all or only cast very few of them are still wiccans. ^_^

I don't care much for Silver Ravenwolf, as she seems too "kiddy" for me, but "Teen Witch" was one of the first books I purchased. Raymond Buckland's books are good, as are D.J. Conway's. One of my favorite books actually is by D.J. Conway, and is called "Wicca: the Complete Craft." Excellent excellent EXCELLENT Book. Has anything you could ever want to know in it. I also recommend Scott Cunningham.

Q: i just started taking the pill about a week ago and i was wondering how long you have to wait until u can have sex without a condom. like how long you have to wait for the pill to kick in. the pill i'm taking is called estrostep. if u can help me out please let me know.. thanks

You have to finish the first pack and menstruate before the pill takes that kind of effect. Even then it isn't 100%. However, if you take it regularly and don't miss any, it's pretty effective, I'm thinking like 98% effective. The only reason most people get pregnant on the pill is because they miss one here or there or they don't wait long enough after the first pack to begin having sex. Also, birth control pills do NOT guard against STDs such as AIDS, Herpes, etc...So I'd use a condom if I were you, unless you're absolutely certain (i.e. have seen their lab tests)that they don't have an STD,if you're married, or have been with them a long time.

Hope that helps.

Q: hiii...umm, can anyone help me? i need to train my jack russell terrier (hel be one year on the 22nd) to stay away from my dad. every time he gets close to my dad, hell kick him, or hit him, or punch him, etc. I've watched this for too long and I can absolutely take it no longer. i mean like, my little dog means the world to me! i just love him alot and i want him to be happy. last time my dad hit him he stayed in the other half of our house in the corner all day, and he was crying. it will be hard to train him to stay away and this is gonna be hard. jack russells are very active, and mine loves everyone, unfortanitly. :-\..does neone have any advice? thank you

I think the problem is with your dad, not the dog! Your dad is probably being mean to the dog for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! Try to explain that your dad that you don't like him treating the dog that way, and that you'd appreciate it if he'd stop. It's been proven that people who abuse animals go on to abusing people! It's VIOLENT behavior! If he's not abusing you or your mother yet, he might eventually end up doing it. If you talk to your dad and it keeps going on, I'd call the police. You may even need to call them now. His being violent to the dog is not good. What are you going to do if he ends up punching or kicking it so hard that he kills it? What if he does kill it and then ends up punching, kicking, or taking out his violence on you and your mom? That's food for thought.

Q: i have this dog who is two years old, and i love him sooo much. the problem is, he has gotten my other dog pregnant twice, and each tie we had a horrible time trying to give the puppies away. My parents are furious, and they want to castrate him. i just cant bear the though of him losing his gender! just in case any of you know, what happens when you castrate a dog? are there any side effects?

Er....you mean neutering, right? O_o It's actually more healthy for both dogs! You should consider getting your female dog spayed. When female animals go into heat, it can be very distressing for them. The only side effects though are that if he sprays he won't do as much anymore, and your female dog wont' get pregnant. It'll probably make you happier too, as they become more docile. So, I'd go ahead and get it done. Not only is it safe and healthy, but no more unwanted puppies! He doesn't reall lose his gender, just his ability to produce sperm.

Q: Sorry this might be long but here it goes. I met this one guy at a party in the 8th grade. Lets call him Joe! So me and Joe really liked each other and everything and we talked alot over the summer. And this year (9th) we went out and broke up but we both had feelings for each other. So me and Joe ended up hooking up and having sex. Also we ended up going to the homecoming dance with me and he saidhe loved me and everything and then after the next few days or so, so I talked to him and was like whats the matter and he said that he didn't like me as anything more than a friend anymore. I was completly devistated because he promised me he would never leave me and that he loved me. And today at the busses we were talking and i asked him for a hug and hes like "Kristen were just friends now..." That hurt me soo much that I cried! I don't know what to do with myself really like this guy and i want to make him see me as more than a friend or find some way to get over him! Please help me! Thanx! Sorry so long...
x0x
KrIsTeN*

No offense, but hardly any relationship that starts in high school or middle school lasts forever. Boys are mean like that. Most of them at that stage only want sex, and he got what he wanted and you're left holding the bag. It's a life lesson for you. Hard, but learned nonetheless. Hopefully, next time you'll be more wary and not believe promises boys make that they never intend to keep. You'll get over him eventually, it just takes time.

Q: ok well.. i am going out with this guy... hes really great... we have had a few problems but we are totally awesome now... so ne way... we have been going out for a little while now and i really really like him... we have gone pretty far and are started thinking about have sex... we have always talked about it even before we were together and i kind of want to but i am afriad of regret.... i hate regreting things and im worried that if we have sex i will regret it... the thing is, before we did everything we have i thought i would regret it but i totally dont... is it just a 'virgin thing'?? i trust him completely... im just scared im to young (14) although (and i swear im not bragging) i am way more mature than the 'average' 14 year old... (if it makes a difference he's 16) i guess im asking all those 'non-virgins' out there... do you regret it? and do you wish you had waited? what do you think i should do? please answer!!!
...claire

Personally, I don't think you should have sex. At 14, your body is not ready for such a thing, even if you have went through puberty, and even if you are more mature than other people of your age. Also, how long is "a while now"? I lost my virginity at 16. Regret? Yes and no. It's different for each person though. I truly think you should wait. If you guys love each other and really do have a comitted relationship, he'll understand and wait.

Q: I have a friend named Lisa, and me n lisa just got out of a HUGE fight, and i'm sure shes suprised i forgived her.. well! LISA got into my purse the other day in study hall and took my watch i wasnt feeling good and i kept demanding to get my watch back but she wouldnt give it to me, this is like my favorite watch and it means so much to me everyone hates it but i totally love it .. well anyways i asked her today if she had it and she had like a 5 second break and then finally said. its at my house and i said dude bring it to me then and shes like im not gunna be home tonight i really want it back what can i do to make her give it back i have a pair of pants and a shirt of hers too! so should i threaten to burn them if she won tgive it back thanks!

Threatening to burn her stuff in response isn't the mature way to handle things, though it's definately the vengeful way. Seems to me like your friend might have a problem with stealing (obviously) and maybe lying. I'd go to her house myself when she's not expecting it and maybe explain the situation to her mother while she's there and return her things at that time. It's up to you to determine what to do from that point on, but if it were me, I just wouldn't talk to her again. Someone who steals and makes excuses to you is NOT your friend.

Q: I`m a senior in high school. I`m turning 18 soon but my boyfriend will still be 17. If we have sex after my birthday, will that be illegal?

Depends on the state really. I think some states have a 2-3 year limit on that though. I don't think that the year or less age difference will be any problem though.