I'm a fourteen year old girl from California. I'm a rabid liberal/feminist an a writer. I've been through cutting, and I'll try not to give bad advice. Ask me whatever you like . . . I'm not so good on romance questions, with a lack of any significant experience, but I'm good on everything else.
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Yahoo: lynx_wings
Member Since: May 12, 2004
Answers: 229
Last Update: October 17, 2004
Visitors: 18207
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okay i wrote a poem and i wanna know what yoo thiink
never will a day pass that i dont think of you i may not show it but i truely am in love with you i know its true alls i can think about is you your more than a person to me your my inspriation you mean the world to me .. only if you would open your eyes and see how much u mean to me
ehh it probably sucks !! =( (link)
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I like it quite a bit. ^^
I don't know whether you did the bad grammar on purpose, but I sort of like it, actually.
Things that need fixing:
alls (2nd line) - all
your more (2nd line) - you're more
your my inspriation - you're my inspiration
are you using "you" or "u?" Because you use them both.
A few of the lines are a bit cliché. "never will a day pass" "truly in love with you." Find ways to replace them. Use imagery. Everybody loves imagery.
You use "to me" a lot. "the world to me," "u mean to me," "more than a person to me." Is this on purpose? If not, try changing it.
Things I love:
"I may not show it" - so true! this is an accurate slice of life, unlike a lot of romance poems which are just cliché after cliché after cliché.
"you're more than a person to me you're my inspiration." - V. nice. Nice rhythm too it. The grammars mucked up, but in a good way. Artistic lisence!
"only if you would open your eyes" - fun with vowels! it's like alliteration, but . . . not. It's good though. ^^
Hope I helped!
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I'm not sure i got this poem sounding right; anyone please gimme a hand.
Fallen Hero
I looked up to a figure
I once deemed to be the best.
But as time slipped to the second,
My faith was put to the test.
Me hero was declined
Of his powerful throne,
Shoved to the side
And deprived of all he called his own.
I stood with the disappointed
Who late looked him on,
And surprisingly found myself
Not nearly as drawn.
As I turned my back,
Shaking my head,
He uttered his final words
And the next second he’s dead.
I found myself thinking twice
Of what I had once thought.
After hearing his words,
My attention, he begot.
“Take care of your hate,
“For soon you’ll regret
“For not helping the one
“To whom your actions were once set.
“Don’t be afraid of difference-
“That’s what makes us all unique.
“If we copied and begged sameness,
“Then all would be bleak.
“Cherish what you believe
“And this is the last I have to say:
“Don’t turn your back again
Like you’d done today.”
**!~Denice~!** (link)
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very nice. the beat is off in a few places, like some of the others have said, but nothing a quick edit won't fix. It's got good rhyme and it's pretty good!
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You worry me,
You’re face so dark and cold.
You must be ready to kill me.
This night is dark,
No one will notice this.
No one will care.
You wanted me to die for years.
You revealed it tonight,
The night of hell.
My night of torment was not like before,
So sweet and full of cheer
Your good mood turned into anger,
And it engulfed me,
This will never be the same as it was before,
You thought I was a toy for you to play with,
But I’m not a voodoo doll,
But so it seems I have acted as one for you.
My whole life was a lie,
The life I spent with you,
The one that was most precious to me.
My life was wasted on you,
Your face is the worst sight in the world.
If only I could trust you anymore,
We could live in a fairy tale.
But, your last lie to me,
Won’t make anything the same,
You said you would hold my hand through thick and thin,
But you never said torture and cruelty,
I’m an idiot to trust you.
Blood drips upon this paper as I write my last goodbye
Can't you see that all we ever had was but a lie
I sit here and wonder just how hard you tried
To sing me to sleep that night with your one cold lullaby
But to your pleasure it’s enough
Because you just heard the sound of my voice choke.
Ok, I know this was terrible, but please give me some feedback.
(link)
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Very nice! The words sound great together, and you're a very talented writer. The poem has a very minor plot, which keeps the reader interested.
"The night of hell" line is the only thing that's not absolutely perfect. The rest is great.
Post it online somewhere besides here. I would recomment fictionpress.com, but I think poetry.com has some nice poetry contests.
edit - - - - - - - - - - -
I checked, and poetry.com has no age restrictions, so you're fine.
On the "night of hell" line - It's a good line, it just sounds too overdone where it is. Maybe take it out entirely and just make that first stanza short and save the line for another poem.
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Emotions
I feel as if i'm outside myself watching life. It feels so stange, like a cat in new land.
YOu think I have no emotion, then you don't know me. If you could understand me, just listen you can hear my thoughts. The volume is always hight never quiet.
my smile is automatic, like a machine programed.
I want to tell you more, I want you to understand.
I don't know who I am. Too many voices. too many emotions.
I feel so lost! No one understands. I'm so insecure just waiting for your secure.
I reach out, I yell but my arms don't move not a sound escapes my mouth.
I'm so alone, So many voices, so many emotions....
Copyright ©2004 Kathleen Janette Bare
Is this a good poem? Let me know. I just wrote it.
(link)
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It's pretty damn good! It does need some editing, though. "I feel so lost!" just doesn't seem to fit. Also, I think you need to go over this and fix some of the grammar. It's poetry, so you can get away with incorrect grammar (artistic licence!) but you don't want to put in any nasty grammatical mistakes that you don't know about.
Put it on fictionpress.com or submit it to one of the contests on poetry.com.
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i write really good poems and i want 2 get them in a published book but i dont kno how, can sum1 help me (link)
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Start small. Post your stuff on fictionpress.com and look for poetry contests and webzines that take submissions. Get involved with creative writing clubs and classes, which often publish their own books and can provide oppurtunities to get your stuff published in a real book.
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I wrote the poem which is in one of the previous posts entitled "Everytime" . I was feeling rather depressed today , and so i wrote another poem . Tell me what you think about it ....
Bt\ , to all those who asked ,
i'm 13 going on 14 .
You
I thought that I was contented
I thought I knew you
But that was just an illusion
You took me for a fool
All this pain that I went through
Did I ever mean anything to you ?
All those times I cried
Why weren’t you by my side?
So many nights I spent ,
Sitting by the phone
Just hoping you would call
I was so alone
You told me that you loved me
But why couldn't you look me in the eye ?
I guess this was what made me see
That i was living a lie ..
(link)
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Quite nice. It would make a really good song, I think. I love the "living a lie" line, particularly.
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Do you guys notice that ppl are writting poems?? What's up with that? It's not like the poems are bad or anything, but THIS IS AN ADVICE PAGE!!!! NOT A POEM PAGE!!! Besides, not many ppl needs advice anymore.... (link)
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It's a page for advice on writing. And that often means READING a piece and giving ADVICE on how to make it better. Let the poem writers do their thing. :)
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How come I dont have anything in my INBOX????
I give really good advice but i dont get any mail!!
thanx,
*~bre_babbles~* (link)
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I don't get much mail either. I think the solution is to just keep on answering questions. Eventually, somebody might ask you something.
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well me and my friends want to earn money but nothing seems to work that great (and our moms wont let us baby sit)!!!!!!
we have tried:
-car wash
-doing work around the house
thanx bunches,
need money
(link)
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First, THIS ISN'T A WRITING QUESTION!
'kay . . .
Try organizing a group garage sale where you all sell your old stuff. Put big, colorful flyers around your neighborhood and maybe take out an ad in the paper. You can also sell food (cookies, lemonade, etc) at the garage sale.
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what could the ending be for my story in english? it's about a girl who discovers a girl was murderered in her house..it's a ghost story any ideas??? cheers. (link)
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hmmm . . . you should make a twisty ending, because twists are good. You could have the ghost be related to the girl and maybe the girls grandfather or uncle or such would have been the killer. It depends on what time period the ghost is grom.
Or you could have the girl annoy the ghost by trying to get rid of her with, say, the help of a psychic friend, and have the ghost attempt to posess the girl's family to kill her, but the psychic friend or whoever comes in again and saves her. Or, you know, the girl could develop her own psychic powers. ^^
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Hey everyone I asked a Q about this poem a litle while back and I think I'm done but to those that answered before I would like to know what they think. and to all advicenators too but is it good at all now? just let me know please. Thanks.
No More
You laugh at me, You point.
You say "how weird!"
You say "how ugly!"
You say "how stupid!"
I turn the other cheek so you can just laugh and point some more.
I have cried my tears. I have hated myself for you.
There were times when I couldn't see through my tears and somehow I found the strengh to turn the other cheek but still you laughed and pointed more.
So in this poem I want to tell you that the days of your laughing and pointing are no more.
When I see you I laugh and say ""How Pathetic!"".
You have put me through this torment for you own satisfaction but no more.
I have cryed my tears. I have hated myself for you but No More. (link)
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I love it now. Very emotional. The entire last part, starting with "there were times . . ." and going to the end is absolutely lovely.
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NO MORE
You laugh at me. You point, you say "how Weird" you say "how Ugly" you say "how Stupid".
I turn the other cheek so you can just laugh and point some more.
I have cryed my tears. I have hated myself for you.
I will always be here and you can't change that.
You will never make me feel bad again. NEVER!
So you better give up!
When I see you I laugh and say "How Pathetic!".
You have put me through this to make yourself feel good.
No More.
I have cryed my tears. I have hated myself for you But no more.
K.J.B.
Hi all advicenators! This is the only peom I have been able to write in the last 4 months and I was wondering if this is a good poem. i also want to know if I did all punctuation right? please answer it would be helpful.
K.J.B. (link)
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Overall nice poem. I liked the line "I have cried my tears. I have hated myself for you" even though you misspelled cried.
I also like "I will always be here and you can't change that."
I like how the attitude of the person yhou're talking about comes through.
I think you could do this differently with spacing. Maybe instead of one line:
you say "how weird"
you say "how ugly"
you say "how stupid"
The last line ("You will never make me feel bad again. NEVER!") seems weak, particularly the never in capitals. Maybe if you moved it down a line and took out the ! and decapitalized (is that a word? I don't think so) it?
Play around with it. Figure out what tone you want and switch words around until you get it.
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Not enough, but so much,
Not enough guts to make that cut,
But yet so much, so much pain,
Within myself, im so insane,
Within that knife holds all happiness,
To give my arm that little kiss,
Within my grasp, I hold that blade,
Dying to cut, dying to staine,
I hold it in, but let it go,
To the floor i fall, only to show ,
That i had enough guts,
To make that sweet, simple cut. (link)
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Very nice, particularly for a cutting poem. I like the rhythym.
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any have ideas for new poems?
(link)
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Depends on what kind of poetry you're interested in writing. If you like to rhyme things, find a rhyhming dictionary and work from there. Some interesting stuff comes out of that.
If you don't like rhyme so much, write about what you feel. Whenever you have a strong emotion, think of some words to describe it and write them down.
In my creative writing class, we have done projects from tabloid headlines, pictures, colors, and even paint color names.
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As the question says. :) Not to toot my own horn or anything like that, but I consider myself a good writer, as do my teachers. Essays, articles, parodies and reports get consistently excellent marks. However, I've desired to write creative stories, specifically fanfiction, for a long time, but I'm having trouble writing anything. Last time I've written fanfic was at 14; now I'm 17, and I'm afraid I've lost any spontaneity and skill I might've had. I don't believe imagination to be the problem, but I have trouble writing them out onto paper/computer, and I also have the problem of being too self-critical, so I'm constantly editing and deleting things (which doesn't do much for progress!). Does anybody have any suggestions to help? (link)
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Try starting a "garbage" story, the main point of which is to get something, no matter how bad, on paper. Once you've gotten started, it might be easier to continue.
Answer a challange. I'm not quite sure where you find these, but they are sometimes hanging around on mediaminer.org.
Read other fanfics to get inspired. After reading a lot of fanfics, you may get ideas, or just get really determined to write something. You can find good fanfics on the internet and mediaminer.org and fanfiction.net.
Hope this helps. (-:
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__Takes my breath away__
Sitting next to him,
I like to say,
that he takes my breath away,
To the Lord,
I pray,
because he takes my breath away,
In my mind,
over and over I play,
"He takes my breath away",
his name is no use,
for all I say,
Is that he takes my breath away,
He's taken, I know,
but be it as it may,
he still takes my breath away.
(link)
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I actually like this, and I'm usually not a fan of repetition, but it works really well in this poem. This is one of those poems that sounds really good out loud. If you ever do a poetry reading, I'd advise you to use this one.
The second line ("I like to say") seems somewhat weak. If you revise the poem, I'd find something better than that.
Other than that, I love it!
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Death be silent
Death be still
Death be ready
For my last will (link)
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I like it. It's short and to the point. It also has a nice rhythym.
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