Hi, my name is Charlotte, and I'm a 25 year old, college graduate. I really enjoy helping people out with anything I can because I know we've all got questions that need answers! I'm available anytime for your questions, and if you need any other kind of help, pick-me-ups or just a little understanding, I have a blog:
http://shrinkingmentals.blogspot.com/
Check it out or direct your questions to me and I'll do my best to help shed a lil light!
-Charlotte
Website: Therapy For Free: Because Shrinks Cost Too Much
E-mail: such.sweet.decorum@gmail.com
Gender: Female
Location: The United States of America
Age: 25
Member Since: December 17, 2009
Answers: 44
Last Update: January 12, 2010
Visitors: 3789
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i noticed all mens are the same :'( (link)
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I understand your frustration. But the truth is, not all men are the same. People fall in love and get married every day, and it will happen to you one day. We tend to disbelieve when we cannot see to the future, but as my mother says, life is an adventure, and every experience we have further prepares us for the future. The point is to keep looking forward because life is ever-changing. We all have good days, bad days, good years, bad years...Remember where you were ten years ago and how different you are today. And remember that ten years from now, things will be even more different. Keep looking forward!
-Charlotte
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awww thank you..i just wished it was like that..but is difficult :'( (link)
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I'm sorry. I certainly do hope that things brighten up for you and that you are able to find somewhere in life where you can be truly happy. Just continue to know what people do care for you and where you are going in life. :)
-Charlotte
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thank you.. i think am just going to stay here because am scared i will have to repeat something or take a step i will regret later on...the thing is that is a litle bit hard fr me to concentarte on what is going on in school..and i really want to graduate with my class of 2011'..the subject am having problems is in chemistry and algebra.. i think i need therepay because i cannot concentrate..and i forget things easily :( (link)
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If you happen to have a school counselor, talk to them about what is going on and that you really want to do well in school to finish high school. My theory is everybody needs a little therapy, whether it's to help with chemical imbalances, healing from abuses, or just wanting someone to listen. It is difficult to concentrate when you do not know when you seem unsure about your own environment. Talking to a licensed school counselor would DEFINITELY help. You could always try a pastor as well. They are always ready to help someone if needs be. Just go in and say you need so speak with someone about what is going on. There are plenty of people in the world around us that make it their occupation to help people whenever and wherever in life.
I hope that you are able to do well in school and graduate from high school so you can find a happier life.
All the best,
-Charlotte
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i wished that too.but i think its going to be hard..and thanks for caring . at least i know somebody cares for me :) thank you :)....well am a junior in high school and if i go to the dominicn republic and do my senior year overthere and come back for my freshmna year in college i think i will have to re-do my senior year here in the u.s.a and that is something i dont want to do.
what do you think? is there any website that can explain what i have to do. (link)
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I think if you are unsure about the future, the best course of action would be to map out what you think should happen and what you think needs to be done. For instance, if you want to go to the Dominican Republic for your senior year and then back to the US after you graduate, you need to look at how the credits transfer and if your transcript from your high school would transfer to any university you wanted to attend. That would be the best place to start. You may find that it is in your best interest to finish your senior year in the US and then go to university somewhere else in the US. I would look at where you want to be and how viable it would be for you. The only way for you to be truly happy is to take your future into your hands and look maturely and responsibly into what could happen and what needs to happen.
As for websites, I would look up the information to whatever high school you were planning on attending for your senior year and asking them what their protocol would be for transferring credits. Get something in writing. Also, contact universities personally requesting information packets about what their policies are.
My advice, it would be easier to graduate from a US high school and attend a US college than to attend a high school in a different country and then transfer to a US university. It also depends on your citizenship. If you are not a US citizen, the international laws are much more complicated as to what you can do as a student. If you're American, of course, it's not as complicated.
Bottom line, do the research. You have to know what you're dealing with to make the decision. Don't make it on a whim. You'll be sorry about it later.
All the best of luck!
-Charlotte
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thank you very much!!..that was a good advice :)well is true i do need to move on ..i try to but is something that keeps holding me back,i dont know what it is..i wished i knew so i can take it out but it's like if i was obsessed and i know it was really wrong with what he did to me..the thing is that he was the one that was always there for me no matter what and now i have nobody to talk to :( my mom acts like a bitch and my dad is in the dominican republic..i dont like talking to my mom about my problems because she will start laughing or just she wont care..i dont have friends because everybody around me is fake..specially in the town i live in..you cant trust nobody..i think what am going to do is just leave to the dominican republic and stay with my dad overthere and am going to check if i feel better..because am tired of all this am going thru that you dont even know :'(..sometimes i just wished i died,i dont even think they would care :( (link)
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I truly believe that if you're not happy with your lot in life and you cannot depend on those around you, it is your own responsibility (and right) to find your own happiness. If you feel like you would be better suited with your father, then by all means, go there. If you think you would be better off starting over somewhere new and different, than that is what you should do. Do not think that no one cares. If I didn't care, I would not have replied to you. I hope everything works out for you and you find your happiness.
-Charlotte
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hey..i been struggling for 5 months after my boyfriend broke up with me..i been really sad and dont know what to do :(...
here is my story am sorry if its too long..
ok we we lasted 2 yrs and 2 months going out but then he left to the dominican republic and he cheeted on me overdere with another girl...he posted pictures on myspace and when he came back i confronted him about it..he told me that was his cousin..but i actually got to talk to the girl and she told me that he was her boyfriend.my heart just dropped...i cant believe he actually did this to me because he loved me and he did alot of things for me...now he is here and he tells me to go to his house in the night so his parents wont see me ..but its just to have sex..i dont even want to go because i dont like doing those types of things with him...but its been 5 months since he broke up with me and my heart still hurts..its like its carrying a heavy pain..i cant seem to move on,its just hard for me, i try to let it go and not think about him but its hard, and no i dont go out because i hardly have friends here.am always stuck in my house.but can someone please tell me wat to do or do you guys have a similar story similar to mines..i appreacited .thanks :) (link)
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One of the hardest things about moving on from a relationship that we had a lot invested in is that we like to hold on to those "good" times, however many or few that they might be, and we pass over the really important things, like why we broke up in the first place. You went out with this boy for two years and two months, which is a long time to invest in a relationship. But he was unfaithful, which means that no matter how faithful and true you were to him, he wasn't to you. No matter how much he "said" he loved you, and even if he did love you, he did not care about your feelings or what cheating on you would do to you. He was selfish and was okay with it. When he came back, he only wanted you for sex and he knew you would show up, which further proves his selfish intentions.
It's like I tell people all the time, love is an action, not a feeling. We have feelings all the time. They flutter, they stutter, and they go away. People confuse love with passion. Passion comes with love and can continue if the love is real and stable, but if the passion goes away and there is nothing left, there wasn't love in the first place.
I read something a while back. A man was observing a couple who were in their eighties. They had been married for sixty years. The wife was in declining health, but her husband was a complete invalid, with full Alzheimer's disease. He did not even recognize the woman that he had been married to for sixty years. She lovingly washed him, fed him, and dressed him. She would show him pictures of them together and talk to him. Their relationship was long past the stages of passion and sexual intimacy. It was love that kept the woman taking care of a man who needed her but couldn't remember her. She did it faithfully even when he didn't know her anymore. That is love.
Now where does that leave you? You're young and when you're young, passion comes in every relationship. But it is love expressed in actions that cements the relationship.
The bottom line: He doesn't love you, he loves what you do for him. And you may have loved him and wanted to give him everything, but it was one-sided and those relationships are not fulfilling. We want to love, but we want to be loved.
You are worth loving and you should wait for that person who will show you that they love you, not only when they are with you, but when they are not. Like I said, love is an action. It is how we treat someone, what we do to strengthen the relationship that makes it fulfilling.
Find something else to take your mind off the toxic relationship you had. The good times you had do not overweigh the facts that you were taken advantage of. Besides, the good times were wrapped in selfish desires.
Moving on is a process and it takes time. We go through the same stages of grief with relationships as we do with death. We are sad, we are angry, we try to find ways to get it back, we accept it, and then we move on. Let it happen the way it happens, but don't dwell on it. You can't go back and change the outcome.
The bottom line: It will happen when it happens. Find ways to express what you're feeling. Listen to songs. Cry. Write about it. Then pick yourself up and move on. The point is to look forward for that person you will meet who will show you that he loves you and doesn't want anything back from you. Someone who loves you won't require you to do anything for them. They will want to do for you. You will find them. But move on from this bad relationship and prepare yourself for that person who will come along. It's worth the wait.
I hope this helps you and I hope it all works out!
-Charlotte
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So ive been dating this guy for almost a year, and things are going great! Except for the fact that i sometimes find myself thinking im not over my ex.. my ex and i had dated for almost 2 years, so its sorta obvious that it took a bit to get over him.. but i cant understand the reason ,that almost a year an a half later, i still catch myself falling for him... i sometimes think that i ant to be ith my ex again... i kno its not right to be feeling like this since im in a great relationship, ho can i get over this, or do you think itd be best to go back ith the ex, since i cant seem to get over him? any advice is appriciated, thanks! :) (link)
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It is normal for you to have lingering feelings over someone that you were in a long term relationship in. You remember all the good times and how you felt when you were with them.
But you're in a wonderful relationship now and the thing is to remain grounded in that. Remember that you and this other person DID break up and it was for a certain reason, whatever it was. Remember why it was and why it didn't work out.
Just because it feels right doesn't mean it is. Love is an action before it is a feeling. We get feelings for all sorts of different reasons and they are not necessarily reasons to make decisions on. You could have feelings for both men, but in the end, who is better suited for you? Which one was less tumultuous? If you broke up with the former, why was it and is it something to be reconciled?
I personally would try to let those feelings go and concentrate on the great relationship I have now. Your other relationship is over. It is time to move on.
But a word to the wise: If you are seriously thinking about returning to the former boyfriend, you had better be very sure about ending your other relationship. Because if you leave this current man, who you are in a great relationship, for the other and start over, and it DOESN'T work out again for the same reason or something else, you've ended it with two men, and the chances of the second boyfriend wanting you back, after you dumped him for someone else, is very slim.
Bottom line: Make the choice. You can't have both. Either choose to let those feelings go and concentrate on your great relationship, (because those feelings will eventually disappear the more you fall in love with someone else) or do some serious thinking about returning to the first boyfriend, but make sure the feeling is mutual.
I hope this helps you out and I hope it all works out.
-Charlotte
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I have known this guy on my work. We became very close friends and we were like always together during our work. Our coworkers are always telling us that we're hiding something from them. They thought that we were lovers but we are not. They always tell me that this guy likes me because he always look at me and that they can see it in his eyes. But I'm not thinking that way because I know that he's just sweet to everyone. Sometimes when he is talking to my friends, he is calling them by my name like "Hey Dahlia, oh sorry I mean Katie".. I want to believe that this guy likes me but I don't want to expect. I can feel it sometimes that I am special to him but I just don't want to misunderstood what he's doing. He was always talking to me, always making me smile when I'm sad and just sweet.
I resigned on my work last week. After that he didn't talk to me again. He said that I'm just too rude. Our workmates told me that he's mad at me. Until now, he doesn't talk to me. I miss him and I just realized by now that I have already fallen for him. I really want to tell him how I feel but I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same. Help me!! Thank you so much in advanced.. (link)
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I don't know what the situation was, of course, but I don't know the nature of why you quit your job. Was it because of this gentleman or was it due to other circumstances? If you quit and did not tell him, he may feel hurt that you did not tell him, since he thought you to be friends.
Your next course of action lies in the answer to questions like these: Do you really want to pursue a romantic relationship with this gentleman, or do you just miss having a friendship with him? If you are really interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, then do it, but work on a friendship first. If he has feelings for you or is interested in dating you, then those intentions will develop after the friendship is established. If not, you are still friends and nothing is lost, except for your disappointment, but that is still better than losing a friend, in my opinion.
If you quit your job and did not let him know you were, you could apologize to him for not making him aware and that you want to make it up to him. Tell him you value your friendship and would like to keep it.
I hope this helps you out and I hope everything works out for you!
-Charlotte
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I have this guy friend, Jim. Jim and I are friends, i mean we don't hang out outside of school or anything, but we talk a lot at school. I've liked him for a long time, and he liked me a few years ago too (but we never went out).
I just started talking to Jim a lot this year, and I really like him, and I thought he liked me too. But then today Jim was hanging out with his friend, and then he saw like some hot girl or something (a girl he KNOWS, and maybe likes??) and was pointing the girl out to his friend. I'm not sure whether he was just showing his friend this hot girl in order to be cool around his friend (cuz you know how guys are) or if he really liked her?? I'm so confused. Another question, how can you tell the difference from when a guy is flirting.. and when he's just being friendly?? How do u know when a guy likes you?? Ugh please help!! Thank u soo much!! sry it was so long
Signed,
Heartbroken(?) and Confused (link)
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Personally, I wouldn't read too much into the situation with the girl. He could have been pointing the girl out because his friend likes the girl and he was just confirming that it was the right girl. He could have pointed out that he knows the girl. You could even be right and he could like the girl he was pointing out. But he could have a thousand different reasons for why he was pointing at her. If you don't know exactly what they were saying, there really isn't a need to dwell on it.
If you like the guy and think he might like you, start hanging out with him outside of school. Start in group activities. Go to movies, grab some dinner, just hang out with friends. Get to know him better. Once you start getting more personal with him and comfortable with him outside of school, try more one-on-one time with him. Ask him to grab some ice cream or a movie with just you.
The difference between friendly and flirting is all in the body language. And really, the only one who could read that would be you. I don't know this boy, Jim, but odds are, if he is interested in you in a romantic way, he will begin singling you out. He won't make fun of you or treat you like "one of the guys". Guys are territorial in a sense, when it comes to interest in a girl. If he is even the slightest bit interested, he will start marking his territory by accompanying you to class, sitting by you in lunch, making a point of talking to you alone in the hallways. When he is sure that the interest is mutual, he will take the initiative.
Bottom line: Be available, make sure that YOU are open and maybe just-a-little-more than friendly towards him. Let him know that you like him, even if you're not comfortable with just telling him outright. Make it obvious, but not TOO obvious that you like him. There is nothing wrong with that. How are people supposed to date and be in relationships if we are all too afraid or embarrassed to show our interest?
If he is not interested in you, you will find out soon enough. The mature thing is to realize it might NOT be mutual romantic feelings, and if that happens to be the case, you simply move on to find someone else to be romantic with. If you handle it in a mature way, you remain friends throughout the situation, no matter the outcome.
I hope this helps and I hope it works out for you!
-Charlotte
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hey! what does partially taken means? (link)
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If someone tells you that they are partially taken, it usually means they are waiting out for someone who is showing interest in pursuing a relationship with them but neither parties have committed yet. Or perhaps they are about to exit a relationship and have not quite cut the cord yet.
Bottom line: It means that they are not 100% available. In my personal opinion, it is a situation you don't want to get into. The person who tells you that they are partially taken should decide what relationship to be in or not be in. It's kind of misleading and selfish because it usually is that they are holding out for someone they want more or they can't make up their mind, and who wants to date THAT person? Or, in a crazy-case scenario, they might have an open relationship where they can date all sorts of different people at the same time.... Again, who wants to date that person? I'd want to be the one and only for someone and have them the same for me, but that's my thing.
Hope that helps you out a bit!
-Charlotte
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okay (this is a little long, just a warning. sorry.) so like I'm a freshman in high school, (I'm also a girl in case you were wondering LOL) so I know I shouldn't be taking relationships too seriously yet, but this is my first boyfriend so I really don't know what's going on.
I met him in october, and we were good friend, online at least. we talked on AIM whenever we had the chance. then near the end of october he asked me out. we got along well, but the problem was we never really talked a lot in school. we usually said hi to each other or ask how we did on tests, and I sat with him at lunch once, but that was before we were dating. he said he felt bad that he couldn't take me out becaue he didn't have enough money, and I offered him that I could pay but he said that's not right.
so anyway its been almost a month that we haven't spoken and my friends are bothering me about it. I don't wanna end it with him because I think we have something, but maybe it was just too rushed since we've only known each other for like 3 and a half months. and also, he's never on AIM anymore, and he's barely on facebook, so I can't even talk to him like that. and I have 3 classes with him at school, and sometimes we just give each other these blank glances, but not in a bad way. and sometimes when we say something funny we turn and laugh at each other. otherwise, we don't say anything, so I have no idea what's going on between us. just say what you think, as long as it doesn't pretain to punching him in the face and dumping him like a total ass. :P
so yea, thanks if you answer. :) (link)
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In my opinion, if you want to salvage this relationship, you have to talk to him. Find him at lunch and say you would like to talk to him. Don't use sentence structure like "you said" or "you did" or "you never". He might consider it an attack. Ask him if everything is going on well in his life. Try saying that you miss him and wish that you both would spend more time together or hang out more. If he wants to keep your relationship, he will speak up. If he doesn't say much and is closed off, you might just want to consider ending it with him. If you do not communicate, you do not have a relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, and how much fun will you have in a relationship if you don't even see or talk to him?
Bottom line: Try talking to him or consider breaking up with him and finding another guy who wants to be with your awesome self!
Hope this helps and hope it all works out!
-Charlotte
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17/female
i've been going out with a guy for a little over a year. were best friends and have an amazing relationship. the only problem that i have though is that his mom is really overprotective. i haven't seen his room..ever and he has a relatively early curfew. it's frustrating for me because i hate to see her treat him like he's in 5th grade. she's really nice to me and loves having me around, but i think what she does is ridiculous. what should i do?! (link)
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Every mother is different in her approach to parenting her child, but most every mother has the same intention and that is to look out for her child's best interest.
Some mothers are just more protective of their children. You must respect it, even if you don't agree with it. She may be keeping you out of his room to prevent him from getting into certain situations that he may or may not have the foresight for the future for.
If you want to have more freedom with him, keep proving that you are an adult and respect her boundaries, but also, be pleasant. You don't want to become in the middle of him and his mother, which is not a smart place for a girlfriend to be.
He will decide when enough is enough and that is between him and his mother. You would do best to remain pleasant to all and try to work with what is going on.
The bottom line is, he will not always be in her house forever and when he is on his own you will have more of a chance to test the waters, but until then, respect the boundaries and respect his mother, even if you don't agree.
Hope that helps, and it all works out!
-Charlotte
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okay so im a gurl and alot of guys think im hot but they never ask me out. when my friends ask them whats up with that.. they go i think shell say no and they are scared. but the thing is, i think i put this wall up and i dont no why. like i cant talk to guys i get all nervous and stuff so maybe the reason i make them think that i am to good for them is cuz im really scared myself. will i ever over come it beccause it drives me insane!!! and if i will over come this how?? please helpp!! (link)
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If you are nervous about talking to guys, get to know them first before even thinking about a relationship. You have to be confident in who you are and able to be yourself without anyone else. Try going out with your friends and doing group activities like theme parks and coffee shops. If you are interested in one particular guy, do a lot of group activities with that person until you get to know them. The more you are around someone, the easier it gets to talk to them. Also, if they are around you more, they will begin to know you and know when they get that appropriate point when they can ask you out.
You want to be a friend to a guy before a girlfriend. If you are looking for just romantic passion, you will be disappointed in the times when it's not passionate. You want to be able to talk to a guy and carry on conversations with one if you want to see if you are compatible.
You will find that person, and I hope you will gain the confidence!
Hope that helps and hope everything works out!
-Charlotte
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Hey..sorry its soo long i hope you can help im the one usually giving advice if you ever need some ask me!
I hav been going out for this guy let's call him Josh for almost 10 months. We hav an amazing relationship and he really is my best friend. We have one problem his ex girlfriend is insane. She is obssesed with him and there is a long story behind that but just to make it short she is jealous and she wants him and her and I got into a big thing. I don't liek to start things and i do stand up for myself but i don't liek having enemies. About 2 weeks ago. My boyfriend started treating me like crap. This is 2 weeks ago: Saturday night we got into a fight because his ex's friends were starting stuff with my friends. I told him that i didn't know if i cood take i anymore. We weren't on the best page. Since it is summer we don't see eachother that much he went to camp before these 2 weeks and now he's on vacation. SO back to Saturday so that happened then on Sunday we talked and he was mad and upset. On monday we were planning to see eachother on tuesday but my friends messed it up. Also on monday we had a long talk about his ex and hwo i feel like he doesn't stand up for me like he should. When our plans got ruined for tuesday i was upset but it seemed like he didn't even care. On tuesday he called me at night and we didn't talk much but i asked him what he did today and he said nothing and that he's been thinkin about alot. I got a little worried. Well anyways Wedneday came n i went to my friends house with him and all my friends.I decided to just forget about everything because he was leaving that friday and i thought it would be the last time i would see him so i wanted it to be good. It somehow came up and he wanted to talk and said that i don't feel like he is really intersting and all that and he simply told me that he was just thinking that the relationship is getting too serious as in commitment wise. I understood because we are still young but how could he tell me he loves me if he doesn't wanna be with me. Well anyways on thursday i found out that on wednesday night he slept at his friends house and he did a camera thing with one ofmy friends theyw ere all joking but he told her to pull her shirt down more so her boobs would show. It's so hard to even write this because he's so not like this. On thursday night i found out earlier that day his ex adn her friends came over to swim with his friends. Just to amek it short on friday i saw him for 2 minutes and i was planning on talking to him about it but he could opnlys tay for like 5 minutes. He was being an ass and he just left and said i love you bye. He's on vacation right now and i don't know what to do when he comes back. Thanx for reading this .What should i do? I'm 14 and a girl.lol
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Now, obviously I don't know what your relationship is like, but I think it is safe to say that you are no longer happy.
As for his ex-girlfriend, if he wanted her back, he would take her back. Boyfriends cannot be stolen. Boys make a decision and go with it. If he wants his ex, he will choose her. Nothing she says or does will ever "make" him do anything he doesn't want to do. So if you trust him, she means nothing to your relationship.
It seems to me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He is displaying this by cutting you out, not talking to you, and doing things that you feel invade your relationship. His friends are fighting with your friends, you're fighting with him, he's fighting with you, his ex-girlfriend is fighting with everyone. Doesn't this seem like a toxic relationship?
Every relationship takes work. There are ups and downs, but if you are struggling to keep a relationship and it makes you unhappy, one must wonder why one keeps going. Being with someone should be easy and make you happy. Sure, there are moments that you have to work through, but you should not be constantly fighting.
If someone really loves you, REALLY loves you, they want you to be happy and they will do whatever it takes to make you HAPPY. Love is selfless not selfish. It goes both ways. And we have to be strong individuals in order to maintain healthy relationships.
If you're not happy and he's not happy, and he's telling you that he doesn't want a committed relationship, I think it's safe to say that you should let him go.
This will be most disappointing to hear, but the truth is, we are humans who make up our own minds and nobody can force you to stay in love with him any more than you can force him to stay in love with you. If he wants out, let him out.
A guy who really wants you, will let you know he wants you and only you. If he doesn't do anything about past girlfriends that keep popping up, then he obviously is alright with them being around, otherwise he would say something.
As for your friends and yourself, leave him, his ex, and his ex's friends alone. Separate yourself from them as much as possible and be as polite and pleasant as you can if you HAVE to be around them. Stay as far away as you can so you don't continue this toxic environment. Because let's face it, it's toxic: For you, for him, for his ex, for her friends, and yours. Nobody is happy. Be the bigger person and get out of it all.
If he really wants you, he will come around on his own. If he does, let him know that you're not okay with his ex hanging around because you feel like it inhibits your relationship with him. Leave it at that. If he doesn't make the problem go away, don't stay in the situation. You have a right to be happy. If you stay in it just to keep him happy, you are feeding his selfishness.
Stand up for yourself, even if there isn't a confrontation. Prove that you don't need someone to be happy. You will find that while it may not be as exciting, it certainly is not as toxic.
Hope that helps and hope everything works out for you.
-Charlotte
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I am 15 years old. my ex boyfriend is 17.
1. when we first got together about half a year ago he was infatuated with me. he said he didn't want to lose me. i know he was sincere.
2. after a while things started to deteriorate but i was falling for him hard
3. neither of us broke up with each other it just fell apart but straight after we met up and hooked up .. it was like everything was usual. we stopped speaking for a while but then hooked up a couple of months ago again
4. 2 weeks ago i lost my virginity to him
i am so confused. i know he cares for me but i just dont know what he wants. when were together its like old times we bring up things we used to find funny etc but then when were not seeing each other its like he doesnt give a second thought about me.
i cant get over him, trust me i have tried. i just dont know how to move forward now .. .
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The annoying answer would be to tell you that you are young and will find someone new. And it's the truth. And it's also often not what young people want to hear.
You started out together and have grown apart. It happens. But if you notice what you have said, you get back together after you hook up.
Sex is the closest physical intimacy that humans can have. With it comes emotional and mental responsibilities. When you hooked up with your ex-boyfriend, you were not only trying to recapture your physical and mental intimacies, but your emotional. It's safe. It's comfortable. While you might not be happy, you know what it feels like and the situation is comfortable and easy to be in.
The bottom line is, if you're not enjoying each other's company and having a real, fulfilling relationship, you need to separate and grow.
People cannot be healthy and happy if they cannot stand on their own. Dependency on someone else is not going to make you happy. Are you happy? Or are you feeling a little empty?
Find someone else who wants to be with you, to be beside you and do fun things with you. Someone who loves you and not just the sex will want to do other things. They will want to talk to you, enjoy fun activities with you. They will also give you room to grow.
If this is not happening for you, move on. The truth is, you ARE young and someone WILL come along and find you attractive and want to do those things. You will have to do the painful thing and move on without him. And when I say move on, I mean MOVE ON. Don't talk to him. Be polite and pleasant if you have to talk to him. Don't go where he is or try to see him outside of where you absolutely have to go. Be pleasant and nice, but try to release your attachment to him.
If you reconcile and both discover that you want to be with each other in a healthy relationship, then give it another shot. But be sure what you want in a relationship and don't budge on that. It's important not to give in and give up your own happiness.
Hope all works out for you and hope this helps you out.
-Charlotte
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Hi,
my bf and I have been together for 2 years, and have been living together for about 6 months.. 3 months at his dad's house and the rest at my mom's... long story short, he has anger problems and everything my mom does bothers him.. we got into a fight and he ended up saying he will move out and for me to stay with my family.. in a mad way.. should we try and work this out and move out, or should we just let it be? please help... thanks
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Although I do not know the background of the relationship between your boyfriend and you, the red flag in this question lies in "he has anger problems..."
First of all, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Where do you see the relationship going? Are you looking for someone serious? Is he trying to get you to move away from your family?
The reason I ask this is because people with anger issues frequently just become more and more angry and more and more violet as time goes by, if the situation is not treated.
Don't get me wrong, everybody gets angry or upset, but in your heart you will know if something is not right.
Don't make the mistake in thinking that the good times cover the bad. If your relationship is a constant struggle and you're not happy overall, and you fight constantly, it is not a relationship. You're clinging onto something that is safe and comfortable. It's scary finding someone new, but staying in a relationship that is toxic has more lasting effects than you realize. What if you get married? What if you have children? If you think the anger issues will go away when you get married or have children, you are blinding yourself to a future of hurt. Unless he gets it checked or is open to anger management, I would cut the relationship off. If he threatens you or gets angry when you try to end the relationship, do what you must to get away and END IT. The present is a good indication of what is to come and you do not want to put yourself in a situation that could end up a hazard to your health and well-being as well as that of a child.
In short, it would probably be better to get out of the relationship as even you are aware of the anger issues. It would save yourself from the mess later. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself. That is not selfish. We must take care of ourselves and be okay ourself before we can be in a relationship with someone else.
If you are adamant about keeping the relationship going, remember: You cannot change him. Only he can make that mental decision, and no matter what you do, you can't do it for him. He either does or doesn't. If you are in it for the long haul and honestly believe you both can make it work, try counseling. Don't think you can work it out on your own because you can't. If he has anger issues, he needs to see a professional to prevent if from exploding into something worse later.
If he refuses to see a professional, he is not admitting his anger problem and is therefore beyond what you can do for him. Don't stay around out of pity or the hopes that you can make him a better person. If he won't do it for you or acknowledge his problem, how is it ever going to get better for you both?
A happy relationship and a strong relationship is one where both persons are strong individuals and can survive without the other. Co-dependency is a recipe for disaster.
I hope everything works out for you and I hope what I said helps.
-Charlotte
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