mindfulmema's advice column | mindfulmema's Advice About Love Life

askmindfulmema

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: hi.im a girl of 19 years and im in a relationship with my bf for 3months now.it is a long distance relationship.i love him so much and he is my everything.i messed up and i dont know why i did what i did because i love my bf.few days me and my bf we were fighting but we sortes things out.he asked me to forgive him and i did.so now i messed up but dont think we will be fine again.i kissed his roomate on june but he found it out now.so he is angry but he said we should give it a try again.the problem is things are not the way the used to be.it is like he is pretending now.dont know what to do now.im trying to make things right but it is still the same.when i tell him how sorry i am.he told me that im like his exes and he will not forget he is just trying to move on by accepting and heal.i love my bf and dont want to lose him like this.

First I want to say it is normal for your boyfriend to feel these feelings. He was hurt...by you. Right now he is in a really tough spot. He likes you a lot and is now trying to overcome his negative feelings. Now, here is where it gets tricky. His emotions will cause you discomfort and hurt. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you willing to stick it out? If the answer is yes then you must be willing to help rebuild his trust and rebuild his self-esteem. If you are not willing to stick it out and endure...then walk away now. But please keep in mind that just because you did something wrong does not give him the right to degrade you in anyway. If he can't move forward and won't move forward then problems will arise. When it's all said and done the choice is yours.
***Check out my self-improvement blog at mindfulmema.wordpress.com for more advice.***

Q: So I have been in a relationship for the last year with a man. (I am female) I love him very much and picture one day marrying him and having children. But over the years I often fantasize about women and sleeping with women. I am sexually satisfied by my boyfriend and don't always think about women but I do sometimes. And to be frank it really unnerves me. I don't know what this means or what to make of it. I am a grown women, shouldn't I know my sexuality by now?

Before I answer your question let me first explain my belief. I believe that we, humans, are divided within ourselves. We are in constant struggle between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. What separates us from animals is our ability to make logical decisions.
Now, to answer your question. Yes it is natural to have these thoughts, after all, we have these opposing thoughts within us. However, the question remains, is it natural to act upon them? Some may argue yes because it is a widely accepted practice. It is actually understandable to have such thoughts with the way women carry themselves. You however, do not feel comfortable with these thoughts so you perceive them, to a degree, as wrong. Now, the choice is ultimately yours to act upon them, however, not all thoughts we think are beneficial, helpful, or logical. If you have the thought to kill someone...are you a murderer? If you have the thought to lie...are you a liar? If you had the thought to steal....are you a thief? No. Then just because you have homosexual thoughts it does not mean you are a lesbian and have to act on these thoughts.
Hope this helps :)

Q: My boyfriend of half a year cheated on me and started dating the other girl for a month. He came back and was so apologetic... For about a day. I forgave him and he stopped apologizing now two weeks later we were talking about how I wouldn't be going to his birthday cause I'm going on a cruise with the family and he got mad but I told him I scheduled it when we were broken up and I had no intention on talking to him again. He then said "well it obviously wasn't that big of a deal because we're talking now". He said this even though he knows how much it broke my heart for him to cheat on me... I hung up on him and now he's mad at me... What do I do? Do I have a right to be upset?

I truly believe that he spoke these words to you because he was upset. He wanted you there for his birthday and caught a tantrum because you are not going to be. It is fine for him to be upset, however, he was insensitive to your feelings, which is not ok. Yes you have a right to be upset because your feelings were hurt. In retaliation you should of not hung up the phone because it adds fuel to the fire. The best thing for you to do is talk to him about how you truly feel so that you both can move on and grow as a couple. On the other hand, from what he said, it seems like he is a bit immature. In mending your relationship you may realize just how immature he really is. So don't be surprised if you realize he is not what you truly want. I hope this helps.

Q: I have been completely faithful to my boyfriend. Since we've been together, I discovered that he had signed up for a lot of webcam and dating sites as single, added more than 50 girls to facebook and asked a few of them out, and recently he planned on hiring an escort. He denied everything until I had proof infront of him. He explained that the reason he signed up for the sites is because he didn't think I would mind because I'm a sexual girl. And he asked girls out on facebook because he didn't think I was serious about him, and then the escorts he said he isnt as attracted to me anymore. Not because of my looks, but because of "The things I do". Recently I gained at least 10 pounds and he told me I would look hotter if I trimmed weight on my tummy and legs, and the girls that he almost cheated on me with are like tooth picks covered in makeup. I asked him what I can do to make him more attracted to be again and he said I can dress up more. (Which I thought I was doing) Up until now, I always thought I looked beautiful and that he thought I was beautiful no matter what. Now, I want to know if its worth it. I don't want to have to change to stay with him. What should I do?

This problem you have has very little to do with your weight. Your boyfriend is shallow and defines beauty by what he sees in the media…which is an illusion. He has a lot of growing up to do. His sexual appetite is what drives and motivates him. He cannot love you if he is seeking outside gratification. A real man would not lie and would embrace your changing body. Lose weight if that is what you want. Do not let your beauty be defined by a man/boy because you will be soon lose your self-esteem and self-worth. Whatever he says, know that it is not your fault. As far as him saying he thought you wouldn’t mind….straight up lie. He would have never kept it from you if that was true. There is someone who would love everything about you… ten pounds heavier or not. Hope this helps.

Q: my boyfriend and I recently went through a rough patch, we made up by talking talking about it, then just dealing with it, then making out. he initiated the kissing, he was mostly having a problem with me, but i was annoyed with him for being distant. he leaves for college in a little over a month. we made up about five days ago, and on the fifth day, we got a lot closer. he fingered me for the first time. we were so close, and then his best friend was hanging out with us that night, ans he acted weird. he only acts differently when he is around that one guy friebd of his. he seems uncomfortable around me, and doesn't touch me.other than that, he is great, we talk, kiss, and have a great time now. but even when he is out with him and i try to talk to him, unaware he is out, he acts weird. is this normal? should i ask him about it? am i clingy? was it wrong of us to get closer?

As a girlfriend you have the right to seek the attention of your boyfriend. This does not make you clingy. It means that you care for him and like his company. From what you write about your boyfriend, it does not seem that he is on the same page. There can be many reasons for this. His friend can be saying things about you and your boyfriend is not stepping up and defending you. It can also mean that your boyfriend does not want to show too much public affection for fear of what others might say. Showing PDA can be a sign of loosing his "man card" in his eyes. The last thing it could mean is that he really is not that into you. He may just like the physical aspect of the relationship but does not think you are wifey material. Whatever the reason is, you should not accept it. My advice: Confront him about your feelings. See where he is at in the relationship and do not take the physical into account because that says little about a relationship. Listen to him and accept what he says. He may not want to be serious. If he does, demand the respect that you deserve. Let him know that he has to change the way he treats you and you will not tolerate it. Be open to whatever he says even if it is difficult to hear. You are worth it. In the end it's up to you and the respect you get is taught and demanded by you.Hope that helps!

Q: 19/female. There's this guy, named Bryan who started talking to me over facebook. He went to my school, graduated 2 years before I did. We started texting and I began to like him, every time he'd text me he'd tell me to come cuddle, or that he wanted to give me a massage and that I was pretty every now and then he would mention my boobs or whatever but I figured thats every teenage boy. We'd always plan to hang out but we always ended up both getting to busy, but we'd still text. Well, there was one day that we both got time to chill so he came to pick me up, but it was really awkward. I got in his car and it was just silent the whole ride from my house to his. We get to his house and go straight to his room. I sat at the edge of his bed and we just sat there for a good 5 minutes before he asked me if I wanted a massage. I said no, because that was the first time for us to hang out and I figured that'd be awkward, he insisted on giving me a massage so I was like whatever and let him give me one, he told me to lay down, he stareted giving me the massage and the first 2 minutes were normal he was just rubbing my back, then he goes under my shirt, which I didn't mind to much either, but like 10 minutes into the massage he reached up my bra. I stopped him there because I didn't want things to get that personal on the first date, all I said was "woah, what are you doing?" he then stopped the whole massage and said he had things to do, and took me home. On our way back I asked him what he had to do and he said his mom was about to be home. We didn't talk the entire rest of the way to my house. When we got to my house, I said bye to him and thanked him for the massage. I haven't talked to him since. He hasn't texted me or anything. I want to text him, just to find out whats up, but i'm scared he won't reply, and i'm scared he's pissed at me. do you think he's mad that I didn't put out? I keep thinking that he thought I looked better on the internet than in person and that's why he quit talking to me? I just can't stop thinking about him though. I thought he was cute. Should I text him? or should I leave him alone, like I've been doing? if I do text him what should I say? why do you think he quit talking to me after we met?

It's obvious what his intentions are. He wants to have sex with you and that's it. When you talk to a boy and he talks about your looks and your body and how he wants to feel on your body, those are red flags. He has no respect for you. Also, on your first date you went to his room. What does that say about him? When you permit a boy to treat you this way and allow him to feel on you even against your will it gives the boy a perception of you that is not good. You lead him to believe that you were willing to give it up. You must set up boundaries for yourself and not bring them down because a boy is cute. Remember, a relationship is not based off of sex. If all a boy can talk about is sex then he is not worthy of your time. The boy was just grooming you to get in your panties. He saw you wasn't giving it up so he moved to the next one. If not, he wants you to chase him so that he can have you in the palm of his hand.

Q: I cheated on my fiancee on a work trip (my job requires alot of travel) when I was out drinking with my coworkers. For some reason she decided to take me back even though I didnt deserve it. After that I vowed I would never do that to her again and I havent. But she still didnt trust me, completely understandable, and i thought that if I showed her I would never do that again by going out but not doing anything she would start to see I could actually be trusted. Then my dumb @#$ lied about going out drinking on another work trip, during which nothing happened, but I still lied to avoid a fight with her. I do love her and respect her even though those actions do not show it. She is an amazing woman and is willing to give me another chance provided we set extreme guidelines to prove that I am capable of being trusted. We are going to counseling and I have completely stopped drinking or going out without her (I havent had a trip yet to prove that) but this isnt enough for her. How else can I show her that I am deserving of this other chance?

First I want to say that yes, you do have a good woman and going to counseling is a good thing. Her setting up boundaries and guidelines is also good for the relationship.
Now, how can you prove you are trustworthy? Be an open book. Hide nothing from her and be available at all times to her. Sometimes we think that lying, even over small things, will protect the other person's feeling. The truth is, it only lowers their confidence in us. Being honest is all you can do. If she does not beleive what you say and wants to dig deep, you have to come up clean...in all areas. You say that you "love her and respect her even though those actions do not show it." This can not be. Your actions must always show that you love her. How? Being honest and putting her first. Don't just tell her but make her know that you respect her, honor her and love her. Figure out what her "love language" is. Does she feel loved when you buy her things or when you give her words of affirmation? Remember, you have viloated her and broke her heart. It's going to take time to mend, but she made the first step to forgive you. Now you must show her that she made the right choice.

Q: Ok so here's what i need help with... My Boyfriend lives in Florida and I live in Minnesota. I talk to him every day on IM. But latley he's been feeling sick and i wish i could do something for him. How do I make him feel better?

Thank you for your help!

What would you do if you were there with him? Would you make him soup or maybe watch a movie with him? Well, whatever you would do, do it in a box! Send him a care package. Maybe a can of soup, a card, a framed picture of the two of you, his favorite DVD or book, a CD of his favorite songs. The list is endless and only you can decide what to put in it since you know him. Remember, its not the price of the items but the thought and love you put into it. Hope that helps.

Q: Guys I need help... my boyfriend and I been together for about 9months I love him with. Every I have and everytime I've been approched by I guy I tell them that I'm in a relation ship it was so easy at first to turn them down when me and him were happy but now... he's been workin so hard and working long hours to pay for school I get that I support him a 100 percent. I'm really tryin to be there but when he's off he's doin other things .. and when we do talk its not the same he's either he's about to do something or to sleepy to talk everybody says he cheatin I dnt believe that but he's never around but I feel he has time for everything else. And I've never been a cheater but to day I came real close.. I feel so bad .. did a mention we are a long distance relationship. Any advice will help I'm breakin down guys..

It seems to me that you like quality time with your boyfriend and right now he is not able to give you the time you want. He is working on getting his education and this takes a lot of his time. The best thing for you to do is be honest with yourself first and him second. What are you willing to tolerate? He has a lot on his plate and maybe giving you what you want at this time in his life is not able to be done. Are you willing to stick it out or not? The best advice I can give is to find the time to sit and talk with him about what you need and see if he is willing to compromise a little of his time to be with you. If he is not willing or makes excuses why he can't, then the decision is your to be made.

Q: Giving someone head

If you don't know, then it shouldn't be done.

Q: so theres this guy i hooked up with a few time and like all of my friends and stuff know about it. were not exclusive or even nesicarily a consistant thing but basiclly he hooked up with my friend recently and i dont actually care like i dont expect him to be mad if i hooked up with someone else, but now hes been talking to me a lot lately and telling the rest of my friends that he prefers me over the other girl. does it make me look bad if i hook up with him again? im not sure if im suposed to be mad and be done with him.

I'm going to be real with you here. Through the eyes of this guy you are a piece of meat. He will say anything to have another "bite" of you. He hops around from chick to chick. You're just a number on his list. If you do not mind lowering your standards and settling for less, then hook up again. You asked if hooking up will make you look bad? It depends on the eye of the beholder. Society may find this acceptable and encourage it. But the truth is, every time you "hook up" you give away a part of your soul you can not get back. If you one day want to be wifey understand that men want women who respect themselves, have self-restraint and conducts themselves like a lady. Know that there is someone out there that will be with only you and cherish you like the queen you are. Let go off all the losers that try to come before him. (This guy is one of them.)

Q: So like7 months ago my ex was nagging at me for weeks to send him a photo of myself in underwear. He started to be really moody and kind of arrogant when I said I wouldn't do it and I felt like I had to for us to stay friends and it kind of made me feel special because he's one of the popular good looking guys and I'm just one of those quiet girls that people forget about, so I regrettably sent him one and I cam honestly say its the worst thing I've ever done, EVER. I was so paranoid afterwards (I'm extremely shy anyway and have never had any intention of flaunting my body because I have really low self confidence) anyway, just today my friend told me someone who I thought was my friend was telling my ex's bestfriend and another girl! My friend said they were whispering but she heard that one of them already knew and she'd seen it. I don't know when or how this girl has seen it or who else has because I honestly thought he had deleted it and I still don't know if he has but I feel awful and I just want to cry because I'm so scared it will effect my education.. my GCSE'S start this week too and its like my whole life is going wrong:(I need some advice,I just need someone to talk to and give me some help please, thanks anyway

Unfortunately there are some decisions we can not take back; some wrongs we can not make right. The truth is your picture is out there and you are at the mercy of this guy. What you can do is learn from this. When someone pressures you to do something that you do not want to do, it is not a priviledge. They are preying on your weakness... insecurity. Acceptance comes from you. Respect begins with you. A guy does not determine your worth. Your beauty goes beyond physical. Learn to set boundaries for yourself and know where you stand. No one should be able to penetrate those boundaries. Again, it sucks that this happened, but looking foward is all you can do from this point on. It may be a tough road, especially with people talking about it, but hold your head high and know that this does not determine who you are.

Q: Ok so my first question for this site is.. I am never loved or accepted by friends, boyfriends or anyone except my family.. I always try to make others happy before myself, but for some reason no one likes me.. I take care of my self, I'm a little over weight and insecure depressed a lot but don't let it show... Question is what can make everyone hate me or not want me, why do they run?

The question you ask is about others. The question you should ask is what is wrong with me? It is only you who can change and all else will fall into place. From your post it looks as if you are very insecure. When describing yourself you focused more on your outward appearance. This is but a small fraction of who you are. From what I hear from you, you are a loving caring individual. I believe you are an awesome friend and girlfriend. I also believe that you constantly try to help out your loved ones and make sure they are taken care of physically, emotionally, and maybe even financially. The investment you put into them may come across as being overbearing. You must learn to invest that time into yourself. Who are you? What do you want out of life? What makes you happy? Learn to be alone with yourself and embrace who you are. People will learn to appreciate you when you appreciate yourself.

bio

I'm a reconnection coach. I help women return and reconnect to their authentic inner essence so they can live a more fulfilled life. I am also a dedicated to helping other people, both younger and older, in regards to relationship issues. Relationships are not just limited to boyfriend and girlfriend but parent-child, brother and sister, etc.
I was a mother at the age of 17 years old so I understand the pressures and issues teenagers face. I have also been married 10 years and counting so I understand the struggles and problems of a marriage relationship. As a mother of four I can relate to the stress of raising children.
I am currently working on obtaining my degree as a marriage and family counselor.
I look forward to giving real and raw advice to you.
If you would like to follow me on a journey to self improvement check out my website below.