about

My name is Laura and I'm happy to help out with questions if you're asking about a subject I happen to be familiar with. I work at an agency that assists victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, so I'm able to answer questions about those kinds of situations. However, I'll often simply refer people to an agency like the one I work for in their area*, it's usually the best advice I can give. I can also answer most questions about positive dating and sexual relationships, including safe sex. I'm a big fan of the political system so I can answer general questions about that as well, although I won't do your homework for you. My other interests include houseplants, hermit crabs and kiwi fruit. Ask away!


*If I tell you to seek help from a domestic violence or sexual assault agency in your area and you're not sure where one is or where to find out, feel free to ask me. Just let me know what city and state (or country, if ouside the US) you live in and I'll give you full contact information for the agency closest to you that will provide the services you need. If you're concerned about privacy, I'm happy to send you the information without posting it on my column, just let me know if that's what you want.


National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233


National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

advice

Okay, so I like this guy, and he and I are really good friends and he always asks me for help with this girl that he's with, and he's always saying how he wishes he could have a girl like me. Now, I'm single and I've made it clear to him that I like him, and he knows it. But here's the catch, I'm Jewish and he's VERY Christian and he doesn't date anyone who's not Christian. What should I do? I respect his wishes and all, but we're only in highschool and nothing's gonna live on till forever...

If he would seriously reject someone as a high school dating partner on the basis of religion I don't think he's worth your time. He clearly has priorities that do not involve open-minded exploration of other people. Until he's willing to be a little bit more accepting, I would encourage you to look elsewhere. Find someone who accepts people for who they are.

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22f
I was in an intense relationship with a pretty disturbed guy for 3 months. He frequently encouraged me to kill myself and was pretty abusive. I don't want to see him again but I still have his jumper and want to return it as I don't like it around and don't want to throw it out(it would give him a reason to contact me again, I've tried to sever all contact) --the only mutual friend we have is his ex and I never told her I was seeing him.
I would send it to him but he's moving house...any suggestions?

It's wise for you to want to avoid contact with this man. It's simply not safe to be around an abusive person or allow him to speak to you. Personally, I would recommend throwing the jumper in the trash, unless you think he could use it as an excuse to contact you later. If you don't want to get his ex involved and feel like you want to give the jumper back to him, consider shipping it to some place where he'll find it. You could send it to his work address, the home of a relative, or even anonymously to his ex.

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I'm not sure but I may be a victim of emotional abuse. I've been with my guy since high school, more the half of a decade ago, and we have a child together. Now he doesn't call me names and put me down to my face, though he's come close before, but it's like whenever he's in a bad mood he takes it out on me, he blames EVERYTHING on me that comes to his mind. It makes me feel really low. I think he does it to make himself feel better but then I feel like total crap and I hang my head down and sigh for like hours. Sometimes I get so sick to my stomach over it. It's just this vicious cycle that keeps on going. He acts nice again and I love that person that he is when he is nice so I forget everything and am able to relax again for a little while. But when he changes faces again I'm like, "Oh why do I put myself through this, here we go again." I feel like such trash for putting up with it. I just love him so much, and I know he loves me but wonder if there's a part of him that hates me because he has to blame so much on me. And if I say anything when he is angry, ANYTHING, it makes him angrier and he doesn't listen to anything I have to say. His father treated his mother like this and I think he's following in his footsteps. I don't want my son to think this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. So I'm just wondering if this is considered emotional abuse. Thanks.

What you're experiencing is absolutely emotional abuse and it has the potential to escalate to physical abuse. The way your partner becomes hostile, blames others for his problems and then apologizes later is textbook abusive behavior. His behavior fits perfectly into something domestic violence experts call the "cycle of violence". Over time, he will become more abusive and his apologies will gradually disappear. If your son is witnessing this abuse, he will come to understand it as normal and will likely repeat the cycle later in his life. Most importantly, the abuse will take a serious toll on you emotionally and you simply do not deserve such treatment. I would recommend contacting a domestic violence agency in your area to get some free counseling. They can help you understand the abuse and get you the resources you need in order to move on with your life. Good luck!

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my relationship of 5 years is going down the drain. we have a one and a half year old. today he got upset because he could not find me. he was at work and i went to school to do some papers. when he got off of work he called me a bitch and a whore and he did not believe me that i was at school. i was about to go back to school for class so he hid my makeup, messed up my hair, and threw laundry around the house. then he followed me to school with his bright head lights on. my son was crying and i told my boyfriend to change his diaper and put him to sleep while i go to school cuz he was fussy. his reply was he was not going to do shit. i am stuck as what to do. i do not work much cuz i am a college student. is it ever ok to tolerate this kind of behavior. it is becoming regular. what should i do and how can i do it? i am bad at making decisions, especially the right ones. thanks for listening.

You shouldn't ever have to tolerate that behavior, you deserve better. You deserve better. You are a mother attending college in order to improve your life, which is an incredible feat, and you deserve respect for that. There's no reason for your partner to know your whereabouts every moment of everyday, and there's certainly no justification for his reaction towards you when he couldn't find you. Attempting to keep you from class by hiding your makeup and other things was an effort to control your actions. Following you with bright headlights was incredibly dangerous and showed a total lack of concern for your safety.

Your partner is being controlling and is beginning to show signs of violent tendencies. This is not a positive relationship for you or your son and it will only become worse over time. You may have noticed that his outbursts have become more frequent as your relationship has gone on and that his actions have become progressively more dangerous and damaging. His abuse will become physical eventually and could result in serious injury for you and your son. His abusive behavior may seem unusual because chances are when he's not being abusive; he's probably an incredibly nice guy. Vastly different personalities are typical of abusive men. The longer your relationship lasts, the less you'll see the nice guy and the more you'll see the unpredictable, abusive person who endangers your safety and that of your son.

The best option for you is to contact an agency in your area designed to assist victims of domestic violence. You can also get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They can offer you counseling, advice as to how to be safe and help if you decide to leave, including safe shelter. You owe it to yourself and to your son to seek some assistance in protecting your safety. Please make the call.

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srry if this is long but
there is this kid in my school and he is shorter me and not very good lookin but i still lik him alot and no one understands and ppl always make fun of me for likin him and i already went out wif him lik 3 times b4 and he dumped me all the times but i still rely lik him and alot of ppl make fun of me for it and i hate how no one understands mee

how can i get them 2 stopp??

Your friends clearly lack understanding of the concept that beauty is more than skin deep. This is their problem, not yours and not your partner's. You are clearly able to see compatibility is more important than good looks. Perhaps it's time to apply that same standard to your friends, who don't seem to be very supportive. Pursue a relationship with this guy, because (although I realize you're a touch young to be thinking about commitment) 30 years down the line he'll still be a great guy and the guys your friends married who were cute at 20 will be overweight, balding and still jerks.

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Ok I've got a boyfriend who I love and who loves me but lately he's been really confusing me because he flirts with two of my best friends and it makes me jelous even if he's mine anyway he keeps smoking weed and injects himself with heroin but i don't who if he's telling the truth but he's got little marks on his arm and I'm really worried about him if it's true he could die and I know Id be really upset if he died how can I talk to him about it because he thinks it's cool and his mate does it to

He is being manipulative and controlling by flirting with your friends in front of you. Chances are he’s trying to make you jealous intentionally in order to deal with his own insecurities. That kind of behavior, combined with drug use, will only get worse over time. People who love you won’t do things to hurt you. Give him the phone number for a local drug treatment program and go about your merry way. Find someone who values you enough that they will never risk losing you by putting other love interests or drug use above your needs.

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okay well i have this problem..there is this guy and i have been going out with him for about 2 months..and i went to a party with him last weekend..and for some really weird reason..it was really weird to be around him..like i didnt want to go out with him ne more..and hes really nice and all..but i keep comparin him to my ex bf..who is going out with my friend..and he was like my very first love..and i just cant get over him! and its irritating..well anyways back to the current boyfriend situation..he hasnt talked to me whatsoever this week..so im thinkin that i should breakup with him cuz i dont think he likes me ne more..and i dont think i like him ne more..

so here are my questions..should i break up with him? and if so how should i do it (like what should i say) and HOW CAN I GET OVER MY EX! lol cuz i really want to..but its just always coming back to haunt me

You should never remain with someone you are not interested in, that kind of relationship is not positive for either of you. It’s not fair to your partner to stay with him when you’re not interested, he should be able to go find someone who is. You probably owe him an apology and some honesty regarding your feelings for someone else. That said, you also need to work towards getting over your past relationship or you’ll never be able to escape these feelings. Make an attempt to focus on the positive aspects of other people and recall the reason why your previous relationship didn’t work out. Focus on moving forward. You also may no be ready to date people yet, especially if your last relationship ended fairly recently. Perhaps consider taking a break from dating until you feel like you can focus on a new partner.

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I`m a senior in high school. I`m turning 18 soon but my boyfriend will still be 17. If we have sex after my birthday, will that be illegal?

In most states, the age of consent is either 16 or 17. Exceptions are too frequent to be able to draw conclusions without knowing what state you live in. You can find your state's age of consent with a quick Google search. Statutory rape laws are not frequently enforced in situations like yours, but there are plenty of circumstances (usually involving parents) in which teenagers have ended up on a sex offender list for having sex in situations exactly like yours. Being labeled as a sex offender for the rest of your life, which seriously hampers your ability to get many jobs, is not something to be taken lightly. Be sure to find out you state law and exercise caution. If you choose to have sex, be sure to do so safely.

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