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Hi. I'm sorry if this gets lengthy. Most of it is venting. But, it will help you get a clearer picture. First let me point out that I am 21.I will be turning 22 soon. I am graduating from college this December with two Bachelors degrees and then going on to pursue a Master's. Most people tell me that they wish they had me as their daughter. I'm a very religious and spiritual person. I don't like to stay out too late unless something runs late, but not as a habit. Right now, I stopped working, because i had a part-time job, and since Im graduating college, I am ready to start on my career. However, I never ask my parents for money, unless it's for books for school or for gas, because I don't want to get stopped in the middle of the road.
I use to be very close with my mom. I use to tell her EVERYTHING. I think the problem was that I let her in a little too much, till I let her control me most of the time. I let her dress me however she wanted and I would wear whatever she told me to wear. I was such good friends with my mom, that I decided to stay here to pursue my undergraduate degree. Although my mom always told me what to wear and what to do, she seemed to have a pretty lenient side. On the other hand, she would let me go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted (within limits, I'm not saying that I was at a nightclub at 16. I'm just saying I had fun). She never told me I couldn't go to a party or anything like that, as long as she knew where it was. I think that the reason that we had this kind of relationship was because we had such good communication, which is great and rare during the adolescent period.
Moving on to something very personal. Being such a religious and spiritual person, it took a lot of thinking on what I felt would be right in terms of losing my virginity before marriage. I even talked to my mom about it! Letting her in on this very personal part of my life should be evidence that I keep very little from her. Yet, she's always accusing me of lying. The other day, I went to the zoo. Because I didn't take any pictures, she said she didn't believe I was at the zoo. Where does she think I was? Having sex?! If she already knows that I'm sexually active, would I not have just told her I was going to spend time alone with my boyfriend? It is irritating me more and more how she's always telling me what to do. And she is so childish about it, too. If I don't do what she says, such as wear the shoes that she wants me to, she will not speak to me for days.
No one in my family holds her accountable for her actions. They are always excusing her saying that she is "just nervous" or she has "been through a lot." Being though a lot is the following: her boyfriend died when she was 15. Her husband left her for another woman. She adopted a baby who died at birth. She adopted another baby (me), and I was a very sick child so she spent a lot of time at the hospital taking care of me. Now, I understand this is a lot. However, just 5 months ago, I lost my little cousin, to cancer, and he was the only person in this family who I was truly close to. She adopted me, but I found out I was adopted at 18 and she arranged a meeting to meet my bio. parents behind my back. She may have been taking care of me, but I was the sick one. Her husband may have left her, but I lost my first close boyfriend to drugs. So, I'm not trying to degrade her troubles. I'm just saying that I have had my share as well. And no one ever excuses me for ANYTHING. If I breathe to loud, they tell me.
My aunt was talking to me the other day about the argument I had with my mom because she wouldn't bring me a towel when I was in the bathroom and there were no towels. And as I mentioned, I'm adopted. And she tells me "you're mother gave you up because she wanted to. She didn't want you.' Then she calls my dad my "supposed father," because of the fact that I'm adopted. Then she proceeds to telling me that she's "glad" I'm here, and that I should feel lucky. I feel that this is extremely insulting.
My cousin (the brother of the one that passed away) treats me awful! He's only 26. He is a medical student. So, he, himself, is a student. And whenever I talk about my graduate programs or just intelligent conversations about psychology or sociology (my majors), they (him and my mom) just turn away like I'm some little kid who saw this information on Elmo. I feel horrible. They are like two little allies. She is always calling him and texting him to go out for dinner or whatever. And while their out, he starts texting me "when are you coming home?" super serious, like if he were my father. It disgusts me! Most of the time, when he's texting this, I'm at the library or my boyfriend's family's house playing board games. I've done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this! I wish that I could work and move out. But, the only reason I can't is because since it is my last semester, I had to get those classes, and they were all scattered.
I try to get them to take me seriously. I am almost a college graduate with a respectable career. I am an adult. But, I am very small and I look very young. I am 4"11, very petite. And somehow, I think that there is an influence there. Maybe they can't get past my appearance. I don't know. And even if I did dress to try to look very old and professional, I shouldn't have to do that in my own home.
PLEASE HELP! (link)
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Everytime I answer a question like this, I always say, TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. You can't expect anything to change unless you speak your mind. If you don't like what somebody is saying about your biological parents, call them out on it. Say how you feel! And another thing, you should start being your own person. You are legally an adult and your mom no longer has any say as to how you dress.
Hopefully this helps.
~Andrew~
P.S. Definitely try to reach out to your older cousin.
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