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My mom treats me like I'm a teenager... and other family issues
Hi. I'm sorry if this gets lengthy. Most of it is venting. But, it will help you get a clearer picture. First let me point out that I am 21.I will be turning 22 soon. I am graduating from college this December with two Bachelors degrees and then going on to pursue a Master's. Most people tell me that they wish they had me as their daughter. I'm a very religious and spiritual person. I don't like to stay out too late unless something runs late, but not as a habit. Right now, I stopped working, because i had a part-time job, and since Im graduating college, I am ready to start on my career. However, I never ask my parents for money, unless it's for books for school or for gas, because I don't want to get stopped in the middle of the road.
I use to be very close with my mom. I use to tell her EVERYTHING. I think the problem was that I let her in a little too much, till I let her control me most of the time. I let her dress me however she wanted and I would wear whatever she told me to wear. I was such good friends with my mom, that I decided to stay here to pursue my undergraduate degree. Although my mom always told me what to wear and what to do, she seemed to have a pretty lenient side. On the other hand, she would let me go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted (within limits, I'm not saying that I was at a nightclub at 16. I'm just saying I had fun). She never told me I couldn't go to a party or anything like that, as long as she knew where it was. I think that the reason that we had this kind of relationship was because we had such good communication, which is great and rare during the adolescent period.
Moving on to something very personal. Being such a religious and spiritual person, it took a lot of thinking on what I felt would be right in terms of losing my virginity before marriage. I even talked to my mom about it! Letting her in on this very personal part of my life should be evidence that I keep very little from her. Yet, she's always accusing me of lying. The other day, I went to the zoo. Because I didn't take any pictures, she said she didn't believe I was at the zoo. Where does she think I was? Having sex?! If she already knows that I'm sexually active, would I not have just told her I was going to spend time alone with my boyfriend? It is irritating me more and more how she's always telling me what to do. And she is so childish about it, too. If I don't do what she says, such as wear the shoes that she wants me to, she will not speak to me for days.
No one in my family holds her accountable for her actions. They are always excusing her saying that she is "just nervous" or she has "been through a lot." Being though a lot is the following: her boyfriend died when she was 15. Her husband left her for another woman. She adopted a baby who died at birth. She adopted another baby (me), and I was a very sick child so she spent a lot of time at the hospital taking care of me. Now, I understand this is a lot. However, just 5 months ago, I lost my little cousin, to cancer, and he was the only person in this family who I was truly close to. She adopted me, but I found out I was adopted at 18 and she arranged a meeting to meet my bio. parents behind my back. She may have been taking care of me, but I was the sick one. Her husband may have left her, but I lost my first close boyfriend to drugs. So, I'm not trying to degrade her troubles. I'm just saying that I have had my share as well. And no one ever excuses me for ANYTHING. If I breathe to loud, they tell me.
My aunt was talking to me the other day about the argument I had with my mom because she wouldn't bring me a towel when I was in the bathroom and there were no towels. And as I mentioned, I'm adopted. And she tells me "you're mother gave you up because she wanted to. She didn't want you.' Then she calls my dad my "supposed father," because of the fact that I'm adopted. Then she proceeds to telling me that she's "glad" I'm here, and that I should feel lucky. I feel that this is extremely insulting.
My cousin (the brother of the one that passed away) treats me awful! He's only 26. He is a medical student. So, he, himself, is a student. And whenever I talk about my graduate programs or just intelligent conversations about psychology or sociology (my majors), they (him and my mom) just turn away like I'm some little kid who saw this information on Elmo. I feel horrible. They are like two little allies. She is always calling him and texting him to go out for dinner or whatever. And while their out, he starts texting me "when are you coming home?" super serious, like if he were my father. It disgusts me! Most of the time, when he's texting this, I'm at the library or my boyfriend's family's house playing board games. I've done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this! I wish that I could work and move out. But, the only reason I can't is because since it is my last semester, I had to get those classes, and they were all scattered.
I try to get them to take me seriously. I am almost a college graduate with a respectable career. I am an adult. But, I am very small and I look very young. I am 4"11, very petite. And somehow, I think that there is an influence there. Maybe they can't get past my appearance. I don't know. And even if I did dress to try to look very old and professional, I shouldn't have to do that in my own home.
PLEASE HELP!
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I have a cousin that is adopted. He was told of his adoption as were all of his young cousins, as soon as we were all old enough to understand once he was told of his adoption. He was told around his 5th birthday, celebrated on his adoption day two days after his birth, that would make me 7 when he I were told. He has had no interest in meeting his Bio parents. As far as he is concerned my Aunt and Uncle are his only parents. Why your mother did so behind you back totally escapes me. There is no reason to do so unless you have an interest in meeting them.
As for most of what you have written, you are right in that you are venting. There is not much you can do about most of it. Your cousin the soon to be doctor should learn to treat all people better if he wants to be a good doctor.
The things you are studying are just as important as the medicine he is studying and in someways heal better than medicine. You should tell him that sometime. Then stand back and watch him explode. You can laugh at him while he does but psychology or sociology sometimes do more to heal than medicine does. Its true and he won't like it. That and the fact with your PHD you will be addressed as Doctor as well.
If your mother can't see that you are a hard worker and well on your way to a great career then that is her problem and anyone else's that can't see it either.
As for being vertically challenge, I live near D.C. and we must be politically correct at all times(lol) so saying short is not correct. There is nothing you can do about that. A lot of great people who have been your height or shorter have made great contributions to society so don't let you height be a stigma as it truly is not and shouldn't be.
As for the rest. Your 22 and adult. You are not dependant on family, you are fairly self-sufficient and will soon be totally self-sufficient. My advice is to continue your education. Get your PHD as that is were the career respect is in your chosen fields. Go out and enjoy life as you have earned it. Grow a thicker skin to allow some of the remarks that are hurting you to bounce of. Remember the old saying. Sticks and stones may break my bonces but words hurt. A thicker skin will help against the hurt.
One day, probably in the not to distant future. They will realize what a great profession you have. What a great life you are building and what a great future you. By then, and this is up to you, it may be to late for them.
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Hey there,
I'm sorry for all your troubles. Have you ever heard the quote by Marilyn Monroe? "and when it comes down to it,I let them think what they want.If they care enough to bother with what I do,then I'm already better than them"
Meaning you should never listen to peoples criticisms and judegments. Sometimes it's best to hold your head up high and turn the other cheek. I know it's hard at times but trust me you will save a lot of time and energy,that would otherwise be wasted in pointless and petty arguments. Life is too short.Your mothers accusations and paranoia regarding where you have been are Her problem.
You are an adult,you do not have to justify your actions or whereabouts to anyone! Not even your mother. Frankly it's none of her business,Nor anyone else's.
Whenever someone pisses you off in future voice your opinion. Stand up for yourself. Don't take it. Don't allow yourself to be a pushover,people are always going to walk all over you otherwise.
You need to learn to bear your own emotions,and not of those around you.
Like your aunt for instance I would have called her out on it and let her know that it was none of her business.
I used to care too much about other peoples feelings even if they were the ones hurting me. Then I wisened up and took no crap. People respected me more because of it.
There is nothing wrong with being a caring and thoughtful person. But if you wear your heart on your sleeve people are going to play with it.
You have achieved a fantastic credible degree! Don't let anyone take that a way from you. Just because your cousin is studying medicine does not make him more intelligent than you. It's unfortunate that they do not take interest in your studies. But you should be proud of yourself regardless. If they don't want to talk about it simply don't talk to them then. Wait for them to come to you. Do your own thing.
Another thing do not entertain your cousin. Who does he think he is asking you where you are. Again you don't have to answer to anyone,so don't simple as.
If your mother has a problem with the way you dress,politely let her know it's your body and your life so she will have to deal with it. You are not her own personal dress up doll. She may have told you what to wear when you were younger but now you're an adult it's entirely your decision. If she doesn't talk to you over it it's her problem she will get over it. Remember you have choices,opinions and rights. You have an identity. Don't let anyone else dictate as to how you should lead your life. YOU define you. It's great you have such a close relationship with your mom but you don't have to share every minute detail of your life with her. We all need our privacy from time to time. I'm very close with my mother I share a lot with her,but not everything.
It sounds like they're trying to suffocate you. Don't allow this to happen.
Good luck and I hope this helps some how.
Much <3
Jess 18/f
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Everytime I answer a question like this, I always say, TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. You can't expect anything to change unless you speak your mind. If you don't like what somebody is saying about your biological parents, call them out on it. Say how you feel! And another thing, you should start being your own person. You are legally an adult and your mom no longer has any say as to how you dress.
Hopefully this helps.
~Andrew~
P.S. Definitely try to reach out to your older cousin.
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