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19/f 19/m- been together a year and a half on the 20th.
I'm the type of girl that likes to be showed she's loved, and being told sweet things. I know my boyfriend loves me, but I'd like to be reminded every once and a while. Is that too much to ask? I'm not talking about expensive jewelry; but like maybe a little sweet text, love note, or maybe a card or some flowers every once in a while to let me know that after all this time, he still loves me?
I do these things for him; whenever I'm out, I always see stuff that I think he'd like, and I'll get him a little something; I send him sweet texts; usually 5-8 pages long, and all I get back is 'I love you too baby'..
I mean, we do live together, but still??
I've talked to him about it, and he says its because he nver thinks about it?? That I should already know that he loves me;
and I do, but still. It would be nice to be reminded. I mean, at first, in a relationship the guy & the girl are doing things to KEEP each other; and after so long, they know they have each other and just quit doing those little thigns; but I like the little things; I want it back.. :(
Sometimes action speaks louder than words; and he said he would improve; but shouldn't it just come naturally? I mean it does for me? Don't get me wrong, he's very very affecionate & tells me he lvoes me, but still. I want a random "You're my world;; I never wanna be without you; you're beauitful" ect.
Is it ruined?? I don't wanna change him, and I understand some people have a difficulty expressing emotions like this; but still. I kind of told him out of hurt that it could become a deal breaker; than if he can't just show me he lvoes me OCCASSIONALLY, than I'll find a man who will;
:/
...tips?
What would you do? (link)
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Hi there,
This is a compatibility issue, but may also be something you are going to want to seek personal counseling over.
Couples counseling is a given, based on what you said to him about ending the relationship and going to a new man, basically because the man you say you know loves you doesn't send you long enough text messages.
When someone repeats it back to you like that, does it make you look at it differently?
Don't think I don't understand what you are saying, because I do. Example: I was in a marriage for YEARS where I did everything romantic for her, and got nothing in return. I get it. I do. But, if you love someone, you stick with them because you love them, not because they cater to your every whim.
If you were able to read what you wrote here from someone else's perspective, it would like to you like you don't love him at all... you just love someone doing certain things for you. When these things stop, you don't love him anymore.
Before you say: "THAT ISN'T TRUE!!!!1!111"
You said TO HIM that if he didn't do these things, you would leave him and go with a new man who WOULD do these things.
Not a new man who loves you... just a new man who does these certain things you want.
Does that make you realize how that sounded to him?
If it were me, and you said that, I would naturally assume you were already cheating on me trying to find a man who will text you five pages at a a time. No matter what, if I was your man, I would understand that your needs aren't being met, and so the relationship is over.
If you do actually love HIM, and not just the act of a man worshipping the ground you walk on, then act fast to undo the damage.
If I were him, I would, that very day, have made plans to exit the relationship.
Please understand: I am not saying your wants are wrong. Not at all. Just that you two aren't compatible if you are using extortion (blackmail) to get what you want. Some of the things you want aren't likely to happen. Example:
Texting 5-6 pages? Seriously? Most guys REALLY hate and I mean HATE texting! If you were around a group of guys, you would understand from the responses as the texts came in. Texting is COMPLETELY impersonal. If you want a guy's attention, do this in person, or at the very least let him hear your voice.
Girl sends a text and thinks: "I love him so much I am sending him a TXT!"
Guy gets a text and thinks: "Wonderful. Another text. She won't leave me alone for two seconds, and is too lazy to pick up the phone and TALK to me!"
You see where this isn't going to work out in your favor?
Sure, you can force him to text you 5 pages every time you text him 5 pages, but I promise you he will hate you for it.
There are guys who like to make small romantic gestures on a regular basis... I should know, I am one of them. He isn't one.
I have been in a relationship with someone who rarely gives back. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you feel unloved. The reality, however is that these things ARE NOT LOVE.
Love is putting up with the other person. :-)
The best definition of love I ever heard: Love is caring about someone else more than you care about yourself.
From what you have written here, you don't love him. Not at all. Why? Because you care MORE about a 5 page text than you do about being with him.
You told him you would leave him if he didn't do what you wanted. Think about this.
It isn't that he isn't expressing his emotions... it is that he is not expressing them the way you DEMAND he express them.
He is expressing himself, and you are telling him that he isn't good enough for you because he doesn't express things they way you DEMAND they be done.
Why am I using the word DEMAND? Because it is the right word. You are using extortion to get what you want. You make a DEMAND... and then you threaten him with another man if he doesn't comply.
How would you feel if he did this to you?
How about another example?
Let us say that there is something sexual you don't like to do.
He tells you that if you won't do this sexual thing, then he is going to dump you and find a woman who will!
Did your eyes spring open at that thought? It is just exactly THE SAME THING you did to him.
You told him if he didn't meet your needs you would go to another man.
If he told you that if you didn't meet his needs he would go to another woman... would you think he loved you?
If he said that to you, would you KNOW in your heart that the relationship was over?
Of course you would.
And so does he.
He does show you he loves you. Every day you wake up and he is still there, it is a sign he loves you. The fact that he even speaks to you, even a single word after what you said to him PROVES he loves you.
If you can't accept love from him, because it doesn't fit what you demand from a man, then maybe it is time to let him go and find a woman who will love him for who he is, instead of who she tells him he has to turn into to make her happy.
Obviously, he wants it to work since he didn't leave you after you said that. (I would have asked you to counseling and if you said no I would be gone.) If you also want it to work out, then realize the problem isn't all his, and tell him so.
Get into couples counseling. IT WILL HELP!
I hope the very best for both of you.
P.S. This CAN be fixed if you BOTH work at it. This isn't a problem HE has... this is a problem for BOTH of you. I know it hurts, but try and remember how incredibly bad you trying to end this relationship by what you said. BOTH of you will have to work at saving this. You will need help to get through this. Both of you will.
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Rating: 4
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I meant to rate this a four, but for some reason it went as a one?? IDK how to fix it?? But anyways, thank you so much for taking the time to help me; although I don't really believe the concept of my question was answered, maybe it was because I'm terrible at explaing, but if I do explain it fully, it'll be too long && no one will read or answer it, my apologies. But,
I agree with you if that WAS the situation. I DON'T want a long page text; I just want to go out on a cute little date and feel that spark again; I want to recieve flowers, or a card, or maybe a little post it note with 'i love you, you're my everything, or you're beautiful' on my wall or something. I send him those texts usually before I go to bed; he works third shift, and I get off at 6pm; so we only see each other for maybe an hour a day && we LIVE together; so I can't call him; I rarely call him because we are usually never apart.
I do everything for him; I mean everything. His mother left him homeless, so my parents let him move in with us; I make his lunches, do his laundry, take him to and from work (8-5am) and I never get a thank you, or just a little gift for appreciation. I guess thats why I said it was a deal breaker. He told me he would NEVER lose me because I don't have the courage to leave him; thats why I said its a deal breaker, to show him that if he can't show me he loves me a little often than I'll find someone who knows what they have when they have it; just to show him I was serious and he can't just not think about my feelings because he knows 'im not going anywhere', ya know?
I'm always doing nice things for him, and I just want something in return. Nothing major, or expensive, just something to show he cares, rather its a poem, maybe just a kiss on the forehead, whatever...?
I mean I talked to him about it, and he said that he will try to improve. Is it really that hard to show someone you 'love' how much you love them? Shouldn't it come natural, or easily?
I mean it does for me. I love him with my entire heart, I don't want to be without him, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling unappreciated and whatnot.
And you definiton of love is what mine is too; I love him more than I care about myself, but sometimes love is blinding, you have to remember what you really deserve;; and I just feel like he loves me, but has a difficult time showing and expressing it; he's always playin a video game, rather than spending time with me, or being sweet;;
But I will for sure look into some couple counseling. I think it'll help!
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