Alin75's advice column

So I'm sixteen, a girl, and I'm 5'4, 105 pounds. I've accepted that I'm small. I'm not really that strong either. My legs are well defined, and have always been fine. My arms... yeah. Not so much. Pretty much pathetic. My boyfriend is convinced that if I were ever to be in a situation where I need to defend myself, that I would basicallly be helpless. Just cause I'm not strong. But that's not true! I took loooots of classes, so I know a lot of self defense teqniques. If someone were to grab me or something, I could probably get out of a hold fairly well. I'm also very good at squirming! Haha. But seriously. It's a little condescending to me that he thinks so little of my ability to protect myself. It's not that he goes around telling me how weak I am, but... he almost is! He gets worried easily. He expresses his worries about how "breakable" or "vulnurable" I am. And he's not compleeeetely far off... I was attacked about a year ago, and it freaked us both out pretty bad. Nothing too horrible, just grabbed, pulled off into a room, but someone came to help me before the guy could anything more than my shorts off. My boyfriend is very protective now. It doens't necessarily bother me, but I wish I could just show him that he doesn't need to worry so much. I took those classes because of what happened a year ago, and I feel pretty confident in what I can do. I just wish he would feel the same way. Just cause I'm small, doesn't make me helpless right??

I am a bit torn with this question to be honest. On the one hand, I totally agree that your boyfriend should have more faith in you. I also used to know a girl (quite petite) who was a black belt in ju-jitsu, and she snapped a mugger's arm once.

So, no you are not helpless.

I just want to tangent a bit here though, and I hope you dont mind. You should know that self defence classes are next to useless unless you train regularly and for a long period of time. If memory serves they say it takes over a year of continuous, regular training for something to become instinctive. And if you are weak physically, not only must it be a reflex, but the technique must be executed flawlessly as well.

This is why most self defence classes are not useful. When faced with real danger, people forget unless its virtually 100% instinct. They ran some segments on this on television years ago... about the false sense of security and all that.

Now, one thing I noticed is that girls tend to put way too much faith in what they learn in martial arts. Please dont take offence, I am not saying you do specifically, its just an observation I have had that may or may not be relevant. Often they assume these things will work like they did in the dojo (I could tell you some stories here, believe me). Fact is, in most cases they wont work, or they wont fit to the situation, or the guy will ignore the pain that is supposed to disable him, and then one needs an arsenal of other techniques...

I know this is not quite what you asked, but I just want to make sure that you understand how it works so that you dont get hurt at some point.

Back to your question. If your boyfriend knows what its like to be in a fight (or similar situations), this may be a reason as to why he is over-protective. There is a huge, huge difference between theory and practice here - I cannot emphasise that enough.

I like the idea in the answer below of training with him. In time it may well give him faith in what you can do. It might also be a fun way for you guys to spend time together.

Otherwise talk to him, tell him that you appreciate that he cares but that you would like him to be a bit more supportive. Tell him that he is not helping your confidence by not having faith in you (which incidentally, was not my intention with what I wrote above). He means well, but its important that he understands where to draw the line. If you do it nicely, he will get it eventually.

Good luck.

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(Rating: 5) No, of course you didn't offend me! You actually made some good points. I never knew those facts about the self defense stuff. It's a little unsettling... haha. Maybe I'll try weight lifting!!

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