I'm 16/f and I guess I'm just kind of confused about love. I learned in my psychology class that the psychological definition of love is passion+intimacy+commitment (passion meaning sexual attraction and romantic feelings, intimacy meaning being close and feeling close to someone, and commitment meaning wanting to be there forever and making that clear to the other person).
All of that said, I have a boyfriend who I have been with for two years. We've talked about love and about what we feel for each other. Neither one of us are completely in love with each other (because no matter how close we get, I'm still insecure and I still don't feel close and no matter how much he cares about me and wants to stay with me, he finds it hard to believe that we will last forever since we are only sixteen). Both of us want to be in love, but we just aren't. It's highly frustrating for me, because it always feels just out of my reach.
As for why I don't feel close, I think it's because I have been in love before - full, complete love. His name was Eric and he was my best friend. He didn't see me in a romantic way, though. So, I had to settle with hanging out with him alone all day, talking to him on the phone with him all night, and never actually dating him. This also was annoying - until he stopped being my best friend to go do drugs. Then what we had before started to seem like a dream come true. I now long for the days when I had someone who I truly felt close to.
I want that again, but I don't know how to go about feeling closer to my boyfriend. Also, I don't know how to make him feel committed when he thinks we are too young.
Thanks. =)
I could be wrong, but here is my take on your boyfriend's committment issues...
Really, he doesn't have one. He wants stay with you... And really that is all committment really is. He's trying to be logical when he says that he has trouble believing the two of you will be together forever... Odds have told him that chances are against you... And no one can really say 'forever' anyway. Whether you're 16, 25, 40 you can't make promises about the future when you don't know who you will be tomorrow. People are constantly changing, no matter how they old they get.
For example, I _love_ my boyfriend. We're engaged, we will probably be married in the next three years. And we both fully intend to spend the rest of our lives together. If you asked me whether or not I would believe that we'd still be married fifty years from now I would reply, 'Yes.' Does that mean we are going to be, beyond a shadow of a doubt? No. I realize that something could happen that might end our relationship. I seriously doubt that will ever happen... But it could. You're boyfriend may be no different.
As for the intimacy part of a relationship... Don't get discouraged because this part is really hard for everyone. We all have our insecurities and find it difficult to completely open up to another person. Learning to do so is a process and takes time and patience. So... Give yourself some time to do this.
I can suggest this: talk, talk, talk... Talk about everything with each other. Talk about your day, your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes, dreams, etc. If you want to tell him your secrets and can't because of doubt and fear... Make a concious effort to swallow that fear and spit it out.
And if you give it time and you're still not feeling the love... It might be time to reassess the relationship. As much as I hate to say it, because I think the two of you may have a real chance together, some people just aren't compatible.
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Thanks, I appreciate that you didn't say it was impossible that we could stay together forever. Everybody else who I asked about this has said that "sixteen is to young", which I cannot believe since my parents have been dating since they were fifteen. So, I know it is possible, even though it will take work. The other people I messaged about this just told me that I was being "unrealistic". This is depressing, since if there was zero chance that we would last, there would be no point to dating him at all, would there? Thanks for your positive, constructive advice. =)
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