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humorist-workshop
Love.
I'm 16/f and I guess I'm just kind of confused about love. I learned in my psychology class that the psychological definition of love is passion+intimacy+commitment (passion meaning sexual attraction and romantic feelings, intimacy meaning being close and feeling close to someone, and commitment meaning wanting to be there forever and making that clear to the other person).
All of that said, I have a boyfriend who I have been with for two years. We've talked about love and about what we feel for each other. Neither one of us are completely in love with each other (because no matter how close we get, I'm still insecure and I still don't feel close and no matter how much he cares about me and wants to stay with me, he finds it hard to believe that we will last forever since we are only sixteen). Both of us want to be in love, but we just aren't. It's highly frustrating for me, because it always feels just out of my reach.
As for why I don't feel close, I think it's because I have been in love before - full, complete love. His name was Eric and he was my best friend. He didn't see me in a romantic way, though. So, I had to settle with hanging out with him alone all day, talking to him on the phone with him all night, and never actually dating him. This also was annoying - until he stopped being my best friend to go do drugs. Then what we had before started to seem like a dream come true. I now long for the days when I had someone who I truly felt close to.
I want that again, but I don't know how to go about feeling closer to my boyfriend. Also, I don't know how to make him feel committed when he thinks we are too young.
Thanks. =)
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well, what you can do to fell closer to your boyfriend is to sit down with him.. and talk like every once in awhile and talk about your relationship..and stuff like that.
And to make him feel that you guys are actually committed you might have to wait awhile because that's what he believes and you can but it not likely to change his mind..Sorry
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Well, first off, be realistic. Your boyfriends probably right, it may not last. The fact that he doesn't think you will last just proves you probably won't. Don't worry though, whatever happens, will happen. At 16, everyone is confused about love, trust me.
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I'm no expert in love (okay, full disclosure--I'm 21 and have never even been on a date, although much of that was due to illness) but I am interested in human behaviour so maybe I can be of some help.
First of all, you can't make him feel committed. You can't make someone else feel anything; that's up to them. And, you're going to hate to hear this, but 16 IS young. There are many, many more fish in the sea and it's possible you're clinging to one that's familiar and comfortable.
The thing that really jumped out at me, though, was when you said that you're still insecure. That's something that will stress any relationship, unfortunately. And that's not something a relationship can cure. That one's up to you.
Can you analyse why you feel insecure? Part of it is probably a teenager thing--around that age (god I feel old saying that), teens--girls especially--are notoriously skilled at making other teens feel like crap. So that may be part of the problem.
I think the first thing you need to work on is you. And it's hard to do, don't get me wrong. But if you feel insecure, you'll never feel comfortable in any relationship. You'll never have the confidence, no matter how many times your partner reassures you, that he won't leave.
Try to figure out what makes you insecure, and what you love about yourself. Allow your logical mind to take over. Emotions like lying to us. Examine whether or not your boyfriend has given you any reason to doubt him--and if he has, pay attention to that. If not, defer to logic.
Being a teen sucks. Don't let anyone tell you these are the best years of your life. I've barely escaped the teen years and still feel damaged by them at times. Let yourself find you. The rest will follow.
Take care,
Daimeera
21/female
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I could be wrong, but here is my take on your boyfriend's committment issues...
Really, he doesn't have one. He wants stay with you... And really that is all committment really is. He's trying to be logical when he says that he has trouble believing the two of you will be together forever... Odds have told him that chances are against you... And no one can really say 'forever' anyway. Whether you're 16, 25, 40 you can't make promises about the future when you don't know who you will be tomorrow. People are constantly changing, no matter how they old they get.
For example, I _love_ my boyfriend. We're engaged, we will probably be married in the next three years. And we both fully intend to spend the rest of our lives together. If you asked me whether or not I would believe that we'd still be married fifty years from now I would reply, 'Yes.' Does that mean we are going to be, beyond a shadow of a doubt? No. I realize that something could happen that might end our relationship. I seriously doubt that will ever happen... But it could. You're boyfriend may be no different.
As for the intimacy part of a relationship... Don't get discouraged because this part is really hard for everyone. We all have our insecurities and find it difficult to completely open up to another person. Learning to do so is a process and takes time and patience. So... Give yourself some time to do this.
I can suggest this: talk, talk, talk... Talk about everything with each other. Talk about your day, your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes, dreams, etc. If you want to tell him your secrets and can't because of doubt and fear... Make a concious effort to swallow that fear and spit it out.
And if you give it time and you're still not feeling the love... It might be time to reassess the relationship. As much as I hate to say it, because I think the two of you may have a real chance together, some people just aren't compatible.
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