Jeanne's advice column

My mother has 2 more kids. My older brother and younger sister. I always felt since we were little that she favored my brother and sister over me. For example, she would treat them nicer and buy them more things. She is my biological mother. She was never really supportive of me only when it would benefit her as far as make her have a good reputation or if it would benefit her financially. So I started working when I was twelve years old. I was always the most independent of my mom's 3 kids because I had no choice-she thought I was a joke. My stepfather who caused her to go from houses, cars, credit cars, and steady well-paying job to apartments, debt, catching the bus,and working at Wal-Mart, is the reason for her failures in which she insist. Everyone warned her to get out of her situation; still she stayed. In spring of January 2001, I filed my first tax returns. My mom's patient died and she chose to remain out of work due to my uncle bribing her to let his daughter live with us because he was getting a settlement from a lawsuit and he was supposed to pay her some money. My uncle never gave her a dime. When he got the settlement, he was no where to be found. When I received my tax returns, my mother implied that I shoud take my money and pay the rent which was 2 months behind and I had my car to pay for and take out of the shop in order to get to work. So when we all got evicted another two months later and I winded up moving in with my aunt, She was still allowing her husband to take her car and never return for days. She was living in a hotel room. Sometimes I helped and gave her a ride to work. But I used to work over night. The job I had wasn't even helping to get new place because of the constant car problems and payment. It was mothers day and Me and my older cousin went to my grandmothers house where my mom was. I gave the both of them beautiful mother's day cards. My mom was disappointed because there was no money in the card. My mom gave me a ride home. And my work clothes that was in the back seat, I was going to take home to wash. But my mom insisted that she would wash them. But my aunt had a washing machine and dryer in her house. I thought my mom was acting wierd. But I let her wash them. When she finally gave them back to me washed 3 days later. I put them on and went to work. I lost my job-as in fired. I lost a lot of jobs since then. Even now whenever she doesn't get her share of my large amounts of money from me- I lose jobs or cars or something. I gained a lot of weight that has been on for five years and whenever she sees that I lost weight she tries to make me eat. She will even ask me over the phone if I lost any weight. When I lived with her temporarily she wanted me to get a job instead of finishing school. But not to work for long. Now that I am a mother of a 19 month old baby boy,she mentioned that she doesn't want me to get a job but to go to school. I am in a HUD program which provides subsidised housing. and I just moved to a new apartment in September 2007. I told my mother not to give my son's father my phone number and she did it anyway and told me. My son's father called me and I winded up moving him in with the fact that he proposed marriage and to raise our son and his older son together. But all he did was treat me like crap and disrespect me, I had to call the cops on him numerous times, Child protective services is involved because I had to file a restraint order against him and the stupid judge listened to all his lies and lifted the order. He went around the complex and told everyone(women) that I was a whore. If any police comes back there or any restraint order is filed again I will lose my son and my apartment and HUD assistance. I notice when she calls my house or I call her and there is no fighting or little fighting between me and my son's father, as early as the next day before we get out of bed my son's father starts barking at me. My phone is disconnected now until Thursday and I will be changing my phone number. I don't know what to do. I want my son's father out of my apartment and he can take his older son with him. I just want some peace. I am at the point where I don't give a hoot about my mom or what the issues are in my apartment. I just want to take my son and move somewhere and move on with my life the way that God meant it. I don't care. I have things to do and accomplish and places to go. My son is my obligation and whoever do not fit in what it is that I'm about to do, they will be left behind, cut off, and rejected. Now the bible says "Thou shall honor thy mother and father" should I cut my mother off. Because 5 years of my life has gone down the drain. But she did whatever she wanted to do with hers. I don't know what went wrong or what is going on. But I now believe in that old saying about "the company that you keep". For the sake of my son and my future, should I cut my mother off?

Well, first let me say that some of the feelings you have are very common for a middle child. Middle children often feel they that aren't treated fairly, that their parents don't care about them as much, or that they don't get as much attention as their older and younger siblings. Of course, most parents love all their children equally. But if you look at the structure of the family, it's easy to see how a middle child could feel that way.

First-born children always get a ton of attention; they're the first ones to do everything, and parents make a huge deal over every accomplishment. It's all new and wonderful to the parents, who think their first baby is the most brilliant child ever born! Parents tend to have high expectations for their oldest child, and are usually very involved in everything they do.

Then there's the youngest child, who automatically gets attention just for being the youngest. No matter how old they get, they're always the baby of the family. They need to be "taken care of", so parents tend to do a lot for them. They aren't given as many responsibilities as the older siblings, yet they're often allowed to do things earlier than the older kids got to. And they tend to get away with murder, which seems unfair to the other kids.

So where does that leave the middle child? It's no wonder that middle children can feel a bit neglected. They don't get that automatic attention that the oldest and youngest kids get. So they have to work hard to get their parents' attention. They're often very driven, and try hard to be successful at whatever they do, in order to please their parents. And since they don't have their parents hovering over them the way the oldest and youngest do, they usually become very independant, responsible and self-reliant. So actually, being a middle child has some advantages, even though it might not seem that way.

My point is, I'm sure your mother loves you just as much as she loves your brother and sister. It's just the structure of your family that makes it seem like she favors them.

But anyway... I think you might be better off moving away from your mom, and starting a new life for yourself and your son. The amount of tension in this situation is keeping you from becoming an independent person. Everyone has to break away from their parents at some point... that's the way it's supposed to be. But moving away doesn't mean that you don't love or honor your mother. You can still love and respect her, and be an independent, self-reliant person at the same time. It might be difficult at first. And your mother may be a little hurt or even angry at first. But I bet in the long run, it will actually improve your relationship with her.

Good luck! =]

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(Rating: 5) Well I do have sole custody of my son, due to his father refusing to be there at the time of his birth. I let him know throughout the pregnancy how the baby was doing and he would just hung the phone up on me. Even when I was on the delivery table and I called him and told him that I was having the baby, he hung up the phone on me. He is now threatening to take my son from me because I don't want him in my apartment. He doesn't want to be with me, we do not have sex. He has made up 3 excuses why he doesn't want to have sex with me. I feel like he is just wasting my time. If I want to move on with my life and meet a decent man who respects women, who is just as financially stable as he is and is a legal citizen in the U.S. who would help me raise my son, I can't really do it the way I want to and have a peace of mind, because he's saying that he wants to take me to court to take my son. My son doesn't even have his last name. My son have my last name. So I have sole legal custody of my son. My son's father doesn't even want to get married. He asked me to marry him before he moved in. He just told me yesterday that a lawyer told him not to get divorced from his wife of whom he was seperated for nine years because of his immigration status because he can be deported. He doesn't want to split the children up. But what about all the trouble he's caused and what about me? I am 26 years old ,he is 40 years old, I have a life to live. I want to get married. I feel like my life is on hold because of him and its just not fair.

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