Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 22473
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I've been in a serious relationship with "Drake" for almost 3 years, 2 1/2 of which we've lived together. My problem is simple, I'm just afraid there's no simple answer. I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I never thought I was a shallow person until now. I can't help it. I know as a relationship gets older, some of the passion dies and thats normal. I know once you have what you want you don't so much want it anymore and that thats human nature. But I mean, I won't let him touch me, much less have sex with me. He turns me off rather than on. Its been going on for months now. Its really very sad, because while he complains about not getting any, he doesn't know whats really going on. I've told him its more of a medical condition (which isn't a complete lie) to spare his feelings. Sometimes I think he's going to push the issue, and I get prepared to tell him the truth, but then he drops it, like he knows there's a problem and he wants to avoid it. I try to encourage him to lose weight or change other things that gross me out about his appearance and sometimes I piss him off. I try to be sensitive, I'm not perfect either, but we can't go on like this. He and I are sexual people, he thinks he's being deprived and so do I. He's a good man with a big heart and a great sense of humor and I feel safe and secure with him. I just can't get hot for him. Does that mean the love I had for him has changed into a different kind of love? Or does it mean I'm a superficial bitch? We've been through so much, I'm terrified of hurting him, of losing him. He'd be mortified if he knew I felt this way. How can I talk to him about this? I feel like our relationship is at stake... (link)
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Hi
I think for both your sakes you need to get this out in the open. It's not fair to you or to him to be in a relationship that isn't 100% mutual.
If he's a great guy like you say he is, then I'm wondering if your feelings have changed from being "in love" with him to "loving" him. These are two very different things.
The physical attraction thing is so important. With that being said, you shouldn't expect someone to change because you don't like the way they look. Think of the situation if it was reversed. What if he told you he didn't like the way you looked anymore...you'd be devastated. This is a touchy subject that can induce alot of hurt feelings. You need to be careful.
You could just tell him that you don't feel that "spark" anymore...you don't have sexual feelings.
I went through that exact thing, and it turned out it was a medical problem.
If the relationship is worth saving, you will need to work at it...either just the two of you, or with councelling.
Whatever you decide to do, you need to do it soon....so you can either work on your relationship, or so you both can move on and find people that will love you for who you both are.
Oh...you're not a superficial bitch at all. These things happen.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Rating: 5
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Thanks Brenda, I know I need to talk to him as soon as possible. I just need the right moment. Very good advice.
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