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I'm an 29 year old guy.I'll always do my best to give well considered and sincere advice - give me your best shot. P.S. Don't be afraid to ask me private questions, I rarely spend a lot of time answering non-private questions.
o.o There is apparently a FORUM for me if you would like to talk about random non-advice stuff. Take off your shoes!
advice
Alright, I'm 16 and I have been dating my bf for about 2 and 1/2 weeks. Everything has been going pretty good. I feel like I've known him forever and we are falling head over heels for eachother. His family loves me and my family loves him. It's been perfect. But it seems that everytime we hang out little things bug me about him. Like his friends for example. Most of them play girls and he acts a little different around me when they are with him. Another thing I don't care for is that he can be pretty insensitive about my feelings and is pushy about things. He says and does things and doesn't think about how it might be taken the wrong way. Like yesterday my twin sister pissed him off so he kiddingly yelled at her and then when she said a sarcastic comment back he went over to her, turned her over, and started punching and slapping her ass real hard. And I found it extremely weird and inappropriate because whenever I think of someone grabbing, slapping, or punching someones ass its usually someone they are into, because he does the same thing when we play fight. So it totally disgusted and pissed me off. When he did that it made me offended and mad. My last bf would walk by girls at the mall when I was with him and smack their ass but I never said anything about how it annoyed and upset me because I figured that if I let out how I felt that it might screw things up. Even today we got in a sort of fight over the way things were going between us. As in how fast we were moving physically. It is always me who intiates these small skirmishes and that's what worries me. Most of the issues I have with him happen because I have been through alot of shit with guys in the past and I try to protect myself by not putting up with shit. I just don't want to be the person that fights about shit all the time and feels like an overreacter. But I know that if I keep things to myself that it will end up building up and building up and the issues will never get solved. So is there any way that I can relieve these issues without feeling like I might be causing my relationship to self-destruct?
17yr. old male's answer:
First of all, I second ncblondie's advice about abusive relations. They're right...
I think you should be careful with the boy. It sounds mean, but if most of his friends are players, then there's a big chance that he's also into it. Guys like that can often pull off being very genuine, but sometimes slip up, or act differently around their friends. You said there are little things about him that bug you when you hang out. Maybe they're not as innocent as they seem, but I don't know what they all are, so I can't talk about any others. Being insensitive about your feelings is NOT O.K.! Some girls would be out of a relationship at the first sight of that, but it can sometimes be just superficial misunderstanding. Most of the time, it's bad news.
Being pushy isn't good either. You said later in your question "Even today we got in a sort of fight over the way things were going between us. As in how fast we were moving physically" I could be assuming completely wrongly here, but my guess is that he's trying to push the relationship along, and you don't like it, or (less likely) it's not going anywhere, and he wants it to. If it's the first one, I'd start getting VERY suspicious that he's just a player. Until you've sorted things out properly, I'd definitely freeze him out of serious physical contact (You've only been together a few weeks, remember).
You've already gotten blondie's advice with respect to the physical nature of his behaviour, but as you said, when he did it to your sister... that was out of line. Waaaaaaaay out of line. That's grounds for shooting, or at least breaking up with him, and I think you've been too soft on him not to just blow up and storm off, and stop speaking to him for a week. He should be begging you to forgive him right now, because he needs to know what he did was wrong, and OUT OF THE QUESTION.
You said that it's always you who initiates the "small skirmishes". The old saying "it takes two to tango" applies, and you shouldn't always take full credit. If there's a problem there then he's got a fair share in it too, and he's probably done something to make you angry at him. Also, he might just be a wuss :) Some guys really don't like to fight, and unless you brought up the problems, they would just get worse. Even if it is always you, you've got a very good reason, because the guy needs to shape up.
I'm afraid to say that your last sentence, the real question, is the least solvable of everything. I think the only way your relationship can possibly get better is to go through self destruction, and come out gleaming white. I don't mean you should go out with the intention of destroying your relationship. You could probably succeed quite easily if you wanted out. I'm saying that the only way you'll ever be happy with the relationship is if you do something about it, and that means sorting your boy out! Because if you don't do it now, it will come up time and again.
I'm sorry, because I have to say I don't believe that your relationship is going to survive in the long run, but I think it's better that you test it before you get involved, because no matter how much you want it to be true, you'll probably get hurt if you don't. But there is always hope, and if he really is a good guy then your relationship will get a whole lot better.
Hope as always, that your guy is one of the good ones
-K
(Rating: 5) Your advice was VERY helpful and alot of it I had already thought to myself about but wanted a second opinion on. Especially the problem with what he did to my sister and the problem with is player friends. I've discussed this with him and told him that I don't like that some of his friends are players and then he tells me, "There really not my friends." But he hangs out with them ALOT. So it just worries me is all. I believe things will get better as long as I can trust him and so far I do... but if he starts acting shady THIS girl is outta there!