29 Male
I met Mary, 20 years old, about 10 months ago. We hit off and started dating. It’s been about 7 months now. Her family life is a complete mess. Her parents divorced a little over a year ago. Now, her mom hardly returns her calls and her dad quickly got re-married and now lives about 2 1/2 hours north of her. With his new life he rarely makes time for her either.
After dating for about 4 months, she visited her doctor. Her stomach was bothering her. The doctor discovered a cyst. She had tests done and that day she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer – stage one.
She refused to have a hysterectomy and started chemotherapy. After 3 weeks of chemo, its stage 3. The doctor tells her it’s terminal. She tells her dad. He asks her not tell anyone on his side of the family. Meanwhile, he never calls her to ask how she’s doing. As far as her mom goes – she hasn’t told her yet.
Three weeks ago, Mary’s doctor said she needed to stop chemo because her organs were swelling as a result of her diabetes. At this point the cancer had stopped spreading. Last week she blew off her doctor’s appointment because she needed to work to make rent. She was scheduled to restart chemo. Mary works full-time on her feet. She smokes and has a glass of wine now and then. None of which her doctor agrees with. So as a result, the cancer has started to spread again.
Watching her suffer has taken a lot out of me. More than half the week she sleeps at my apartment. And on cue in the evening her pains skyrocket. Lying in bed she twists and shakes until she passes out. All I can do is hold her. She wakes up and the pain goes another round or two until she finally falls asleep.
I don’t agree with how she’s handling her sickness. Missing doctor appointments, smoking, and drinking. Just the other day she was planning to go to the beach with friends. I told her she’s not suppose to go in the sun while on chemo; that’s when I found out she missed her doctors appointment earlier that day.
I want to be there for her, but as a friend. I do all I can so that she feels like a beautiful woman. But I might just have to just walk away. I feel like I need to do something to get her to take this illness more seriously. I’m frustrated.
What do you think?
Wow...
Well...I think I understand how you are feeling right now. I've never had to deal with an ill boyfriend, but I have dealt with extremely ill family members...I'm sure you're more than frustrated. I know I am...
Anyway, I'm really sorry that Mary has cancer. And I'm really sorry that her family doesn't seem to care. But, you are right...She's not doing what's best for health, and furthermore...it isn't YOUR responsibility to do it for her. Not that you could even if you wanted to. And it isn't your fault that her mom and dad are so...insensitive. Compensating for their lack of loving kindness isn't your responsibility either.
I may sound inconsiderate and uncompassionate. But you know what...I've been there. I've learned that the happiness of others isn't my responsibility. My only responsibility is my own happiness, and if I focus too much on the happiness of others, mine will get lost somewhere in the process.
Looking out for her is real nice, but you need to look out for you too. I think that this relationship is an unhealthy one. A healthy relationship is difficult enough, comes with it's own set of problems. This...we're talking a lot of extra obstacles. I'm just concerned that she's going to become dependent upon you, and that you'll end up suffering depression as a result.
And really...I think that being her friend, and just her friend, might be best for her too. She needs to focus on herself, her health, and I think that a relationship detracts from that. Also, like you said...She needs to take the situation seriously...
Though, if you love her, and don't want to let her go, then don't. Just be prepared and ready for what's coming. On the other hand, if you JUST don't want to be with her, don't let her illness make you feel guilty.
I'm done ranting now. Sorry this is so long. I'm praying for the both of you. I hope things work out okay. I try to check my inbox on a regular basis if you'd like to talk for any reason. If not, that's cool too. Adieu ;)
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(Rating: 5)
You nailed it. That's more or less what my heart/gut is telling me. On a side note > I've been doing yoga for about 9 months now – it affected me in many positive ways. I've tried to get her to meditate with me, but only once was she in the mood. I know it's different for her since she doesn't have the class as a reference point, however, she could, if she wanted to, be silent - focus - breathe - and think positive. Thanks again for your thoughts, they helped.
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