Jami's advice column

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Q: hey heres my problem... my mother is bipolar and she is manic depressive... it doesnt help that she wont take pills to help her. im only 13 and im the only one who lives here with her. i feel so much guilt and hate toward her its unbelievable. i feel so helpless. she has no one but me, so i cant leave her all alone. i would love to know if you could give me some advise on what to do.

thanks for the help,
Kirsten L.

Bipolar disorder is a real mental illness. With all of the stress you are probably dealing with, I know that you are going through a lot, but just try to remain calm and know that your mother does not wish to be this way. She really can't help it. Since she is ill, you are being put in a position to act as an adult. You need to just stay strong for the both of you and talk to someone that you trust. It always helps to have someone that you can talk to when you are upset or feeling anger towards her. We don't get to choose our situations in life, they kind of just are so you have to face it and maybe you can find out why she doesn't like to take her pills. I can only imagine how difficult it has to be for you, but you have to hang in there and hopefully things will get better.

Q: I have a hard time saying no to guys when they want to have sex and i was wondering could it be becouse i was molested by my dad when i was 3.

That was a terrible thing that happened to you and experiences such as that have a way of affecting the decisions we make as individuals as well as our confidence and strength. So, that could definitely have something to do with it. There are many possible explanations for this. You may even in some way feel that it is an obligation that you have to please...which you don't, but I recommend that you talk to someone like a therapist so that you can sort your feelings out and work on getting stronger. Your body belongs to you and no one has any claim to it. I think that you do realize where it could come from, so you already know where to start if you do decide to try therapy. You need to remember that you could not control what happened to you in your past, but you ARE in control now, so don't allow the cycle to continue. Be the best you, that you know how to be and don't feel as if you owe guys anything.

Q: Alright. I just got together with this guy form my work.
He is really a great guy, were just sooooo different! and i cant tell my parents cause i just know they would'nt accept him..just because.
but i have a problem beacuse he cares about me SOOOOOOO much...already and i just dont feel the same way i mean im trying to i really am, the feelings just are'nt there. but i do like him dont get me wrong. THeres just some little things that really bug me about him like the way he dresses...i know that sounds superficial. And something else...he's 19 and a virgin which is really cool but he wants to have sex with me so bad!!!!!! but i really dont want to rush into something like that, especially if im not sure how i feel about him yet.
but i just dont know
anyone been in this situation?????

I actually have been in a few situations like that before. The best thing you can do is take your time. If the feelings are not there the way his are, you can't force yourself. You should take things slow and don't let him rush you. If you don't like the way he dresses don't feel like you are being superficial, someone's outward appearance is one of the initial forms of attraction.You are thinking right about the sex, you know that you still aren't exactly sure how you feel about him so now is not the right time to jump in the sac with him.I know it may seem a little strange but if you sleep with him before you are sure about the depth of your feelings for him, you may actually end up deciding that you don't like him if the sexual experience is not what you wanted. This would be through no fault of your own because you wanted to please him, but you could end up hurting him because he will mis-read that for you wanting him badly as well. When the feelings are not returned by you, he will be crushed thinking that you either used him or that his sexual performance was to blame. So, take things slow and always follow your instincts. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into feeling anything.Just let nature do what it does :)

Q: ive liked a guy for over 3 years who just recently told me he doesnt like me...how do i get over him?? i see and talk with him everyday...i dont want to throw away a friendship but i cant really like and other guy with him around
my best friend cheated on her boyfriend 5 time...he broke up with her...she started cutting and threatened to kill herself...she hates herself for what she is...she is in therapy now...
one of the guys she cheated with happened to be my really good guy friend of 3 years who liked me but i always pushed him away
just now i started flirting and all this stuff with him more
but he has a girfriend...so i didnt want him to break up with his gf for me when i still liked this other guy alot
my best friend didnt care and did stuff with him
now i could never go after him...and yes he still has a gf i dont think she knows though
so my life is really twisted right now...what do i do?? and saying just get over the guy ive liked for 3 years and get a new best friend doesnt work...i have liked the guy for 3 years and have been friend with my best friend for 2 and a half i need something more than that..
please...

As far as your feeling for the guy, I don't believe you should waste time obsessing over him if he told you flat out he doesn't like you. Ofcourse him telling you that will not just make your feelings for him go away, but any romantic feelings that are one-sided are just that! one-sided. My suggestion to yuo is that you see other guys. You can continue to keep this guy as a friend sice you don't want to lose the friendship, but you need to consider that if you do not respect his decision to not be romantic with you...you very well could lose his friendship. So, give him what he wants and find someone who shares and interest in you that matches your feelings for them. You can like someone for a thousand years and that will not get the relationship off the ground because they HAVE TO FEEL THE SAME WAY. If you tried to change his mind you probably couldn't and facing that potential rejection would only do a number on your self-esteem. As far as your "best friend" goes, two & half years really isn't that long. If she was trust worthy, she would never mess with a guy that you have interest in. You really need to watch her because that type of behavior is usually demonstrative of a person's true character and she could do it to you again and the next time it might be with a boyfriend of yours that you have really fallen for. So, if you don't wanna cut the girl off thats your decision really, but you need to consider downgrading her position as your best friend. Maybe to just an associate or just a friend so that she can not hurt you. She may not even want to hurt you, but if she is unhappy with herself she can do a lot of things that you may not understand. If someone doesn't like themselves, you don't stand a chance. I've learned that from experience. If not there is a strong chance tghat you will be sorry you didn't handle her with more caution.I'm sorry if this seems harsh in any way, but I'm giving you my honest opinion and what I've learned from personal experience.

Q: i never thought i would ask a question like this but i might as well. i've thinking about giving my boyfriend head. we've been dating for 11 months, thats not why i want to i just do, you know for him. he's never asked so he isn't pressuring me or anything, never has. he has tried giving me oral but like i stopped him. soo my question is it like awkward doing it? it would be my first time so i don't know what i'm doing really. and if he ever gives me oral what do i do when he's doing it?

i believe i'm ready, i'm just curious.

thanks!

If he gives oral, just sit or lay back relax and enjoy it. Based on what he does you will have a natural reaction to it. Once you become comfortable you will just let go and really enjoy it. Don't think so much, just kind of be in the moment. Doing it yourself will only be awkward if you make it. Just try to really get into what you are doing and he will basically be in another world so to speak. Let him know that it is your first time and he will appreciate your efforts. Its not a hard thing to do, so don't spend time worrying about whether you think you will be good or not. Take your time and do what is comfortable for you and the rest will flow naturally (no pun intended). Any other questions about it just ask! ;)

Q: i just told my boyfriend that I've been with for a year and three months that i made out with my ex who he hates and he broke up with me he took me back but still doesn't know how he can ever trust me again what should i do?
i was with him yesterday and we were having a great time and then he just got all down
i hate the fact that i cheated on him and i know he would never do it to me
i don't know why i did it
i don't have any feelings for my ex anymore i lost those feelings when i broke up with him
please help me?

It is going to take some time for your current boyfriend to get over what happened between you and your ex. If it were someone random guy it would still hurt, but the fact that it was your ex only adds fuel to the flame. It hurt his pride and I'm sure he felt betrayed. On the positive side, it may have given you the wakeup call you needed so that you have closure and can be sure that you are really done with your ex. If so, focus on your current relationship and earn his trust again. If you are not sure you are over your ex, now would be the time to come clean to your current boyfriend so that he doesn't continue to get hurt. If the two of you are going to stay together you will have to be trust worthy and honest with him because if you find yourself in a situation similar to this one again, you may lose your man for good.

Q: i need major help geting over my ex. We have been broken up for like 5 months now and im still having trouble getting over him. I cant get him outa my mind or out of my dreams. We dated for 4 years before he left me. And he left me for some other girl. He wants 2 be just friends and acts like nothing happends. I just wanna knowmhow he can act like this when we had such a serious relationship. When is this going to stop hurting??

When you have been with someone for such a long time (4 yrs is relatively long) it is always difficult because you have so many memories together. In a sense you are going through a process of reprogramming your mind and body to focus on you and your life without him. He was there for a long time, so its like getting along in life with some pieces missing, but you absolutely can do it. Some days will be very difficult in the beginning, but it will get easier. I suggest to you that you start by doing what you did on this forum which is acknowledge your feelings and your hurt. Hiding from your feelings always tends to backfire and those feelings come out with a vengence.

With that being said, if you feel the need to cry..cry! you have to go through the experience and mourn your loss of the relationship. Once that period is over you need to focus on doing things to make you feel whole again. Do things you used to do that make you feel like you. Hang out with friends, treat yourself to pedicures and dress up. You will feel pretty and maintain your confidence. Lastly, when you feel you are ready you want to start dating again. You don't wanna invest your energy where you have none, so take it slow at first. You can't replace your ex but you can possibly do better and have fun or find love again down the road. So, if you hear a song on the radio that reminds you of your ex, don't turn the station, just get through it and you will become more desensitized as time goes on. The pain seems like it will never end right now, but in your future you will look back and it will be a memory. You will move on and enjoy things and laugh again. Who knows why he didi what he did,but it doesn't matter. All that matters is you. Don't hinder your happiness because of a decision someone else made for you.
Good Luck & hang in there :)

Q: the guy i honestly love i cant be with =[ because he has a bad drug problem i wanna help him, we dated for 3 years and finnally he had a bad drug tripp and hit me =[ we broke up after that, he tells me he misses me and that he loves me but i cant be with him if hes still on drugs
how can i help him

You can help him by getting him information about rehab centers, but he must help himself by committing to getting well. It is not up to you to do that. It really isn't a good time for him to get into a relationship because he needs to focus on getting healthy and it will be a difficult struggle. So, if you really care about him, be a friend but don't subject yourself to anything more because he can't offer it to you at the moment even if he says he can.

Q: I've known him for 2 weeks, were going out. And I swear I love him. I liked him like the second I met him. He feels the same way. What do you think?

Love really has no time table. For some it takes a lot of time and work, but for others it just clicks. If the two of you are actually in love time will tell and if you are not it won't be a secret to you. Don't worry, its a beautiful thing to be able to live in the moment and just enjoy eachother. Whatever is meant to be...will.

Q: Me and my girlfriend were at a (female) friend's place recently for a party. To cut a long story short, a large quantity of liquor was consumed, and we ended up sharing her bed.

We ended up fooling around rather a lot... her one rule was not reaching 4th with the friend. This was okay, this was permitted.

It was in the morning that things went badly - her friend was still rather affectionate, but I was told that this morning was the end of it. My girlfriend fell asleep again and the affection was returned. Halfway through it all she woke up again.

Needless to say, we are in trouble.

I went through a big show of assuring her that it was all okay, that it meant nothing to me and that she had nothing to worry about.

I just wish I felt that sure.

I'm not really sure exactly what happened, but if I understand you correctly you guys fooled around while you were drunk. Allowing that to happen with her friend or your friend was a mistake on your girlfriend's part. I'm sure she thought that this was something she could handle, but as most people find out in the end...they cant!!! So, I guess you will need to figure out how you really feel about your girlfriend and if its worth hurting her to pursue something with the friend. You also need to keep in mind that the excitement of messing with the friend will no longer exist if you decide to be with her in a relationship because it is mostly fun to you now because it is like forbidden fruit. If this girl is making passes at you, she really isn't a friend to your girlfriend either. if you chose to continue to mess with the friend, you could create trust issues in your relationship that are irrepairable and could ultimately claim your relationship. So, think about it and choose wisely, remembering the long run...not just the right now.

Q: hey
im a college sophomore.. ive never had sex before..hard to beleive i know.. but i want to. i feel like i need to get it over with. i know its supposed to be special but im kinda over that. i wont regret doing it now. im dating someone ive been with for about a month and i want to have sex with him because everytime we're together it sort of is about to happen but im scared. he doesnt know ive a virgin. ive been fingered numerous times..some of which has hurt a little bit after so im wondering if this is how sex will hurt for the first time? or is it going to be worse? and will he be able to know that im a virgin? any tips will really be appreciated. i know its stupid but i feel like he should be a little drunk so that if i do anything dumb/wrong, im not embarassed. thanks!!

Losing your virginity should be something that you put thought into whether you are in college or a teen. I don't think that you should just give it up to get it over with. You should let your first time be with someone that you want to be with. I can tell by the fact that you don't want him to know that you are a virgin, the comfort level hasn't gotten there yet. It isn't something that you should be ashamed of. It will hurt more than the fingering has and you may be sore for a day or two depending on his size. It will get better for you though with each try. Also, you don't need to worry about " doing it wrong" since most guys are just so excited to get it he will probably take charge and enjoy it no matter how you fumble. Your lack of experience will also heighten his sensation because your body will fit his manhood in a more snug way ; )
Have fun and protect yourself!

Q: 16/F
okay so, let me start from the beginning. there's this guy, i've been friends with him for like 3 years. he's liked me for 2 of those years (of course he like hooked up with other girls etc. in those 2 years but always went back to liking me). in those 2 years we became like best friends. he's the one i went to with my problems, we talked on the phone every night, etc. i was a bitch, i led him on, i can admit that. but that was a long time ago. this summer, i started to actually like him for real. we hooked up like all summer. he asked me out, we went out for a week, i went to camp, i broke up with him. i was in a different world. i didn't hook up with any guys at camp. i just couldn't do it. there's nothing i regret more than breaking up with him, now at least. because after camp he told me he wanted to go out again and i told him i didn't want a boyfriend. anyways, i can admit i'm not the nicest to him either. and i have this problem with showing my feelings so he feels like he never really knows if i like him or not. everyone tells me i'm a hard person to read. but it's just really hard for me to open myself up to others because i'm so scared of getting hurt again because the last time i was in a really involved relationship i got my heart broken and i was depressed for like 2 months. i cried myself to sleep every single night. but i realized that not telling him how i felt was worse than telling him. he thought i just wanted to hook up with him, but really i am completely in love with him. there's no other guy i would rather be with. he's so cute and nice and funny and amazing. i'm so scared of losing him as a more than friend, but mostly as a friend. so anyways, this week he started talking to me less. he was still telling me he loved me and stuff because that's how our relationship was. anyways, i noticed something was wrong and i confronted him about it yesterday. and he told me he had a girlfriend. he just asked her out yesterday morning. and obviously i'm so pissed that he didn't tell me he was interested in this other girl.. just kept leading me on. and i told him this. and he told me he thought i didn't care about him anymore. so basically, i just spilled everything. i told him how much i cared about him and everything and he said 'f*** why couldn't you have told me this yesterday?' and i just don't know what to do because i just left myself completely vulnerable and he told me he needs to think about this, he needs to 'sleep on it'. meanwhile, i can't sleep, it's 4 in the morning, i cried myself to sleep, fell asleep for a few hours but then i woke up again. i just don't know what to do. what if he decides to stay with this girl? i know i'll get over it eventually, but this kid was like my best friend and i loved him in so many ways i became so emotionally attatched to him, could talk to him about ANYTHING. in the past few months he's become like my life. i know that sounds dumb but we talked every night, saw eachother like 3 times a week, texted every freaking second. i feel like my heart just got ripped out. i don't understand how he can like this girl he started liking a week ago more than me. what should i do?

First let me just say that you are in no way stupid because you feel that he had become "your life". When you spend a lot of time with someone and you are going to grow and become attached. You said at the end of your question that you didn't understand how he could possibly like the new girl more than he likes you. I don't think that you really have any reason to believe that he does actually like her more. Guys are very sensitive when it comes to them investing their time and energy into a female. His decision to see this other girl may actually be no deeper than him feeling unsure about your true feelings for him. I believe that the amount of time that the two of you spent together meant a great deal to him as well. He probably needs to think about it because he wants to make sure he isn't throwing away a girl who really likes him for someone who isn't sure how they feel about him. So, if you really are in love with him then you need to make a solid effort at letting him know how you feel. I understand how difficult it can be to let your guard down, but follow your instincts. If deep down you feel that he is someone you can really trust, give him your trust unless and until he shows you that he does not deserve it. You don't have to become a door mat and let him walk all over you, but there is nothing wrong with letting him in on your feelings for him. This will make the friendship stronger and it could make the romantic connection the two of you share more powerful. Be honest with him, and follow your gut about how far to take it...your gut will never lie to you. Good luck!

Q: I have never really had high self confidence and I know I am really pretty, but other than my really close friends I never know what to talk about. I just sit there trying to think of something to say. I am always jealous of those girls that can just go up to anyone and make conversation so easily. Help? What do I say? How do I make people like me more?

This issue is one that many people deal with actually, so you are not alone. In those situations it is always best to remain positive...maintain a good attitude and be inviting. Smile and your interest will come across. You don't need to feel nervous about it because once others see your confidence, they will be attracted to it. Confidence is good, but arrogance is not, so be careful not to confuse the two.The MOST IMPORTANT tip I could give you would be to just be yourself. Don't put the pressure on yourself to be what you think others want. You need to be happy with you and others will like that about you. There is no way to please everyone, but by being true to yourself it will become easier for you to talk to your peers. So, remain positive and seem interested and the rest will come with practice. They will love you for being genuine...no one likes a fake.

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I believe in telling the truth, so I will be honest with you. I also believe that when it comes to respect...reciprocity is key!
Any question that rests on your head is one worth asking.