Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 29828
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I have to get my macbook wiped out and I can't back up my files. The people at the Apple store said that it would be like as brand new computer. Will I still have itunes & all the programs It came with after they wipe out all my info?
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All your data will be on the hard disc of the computer and if it is wiped (erased) you won't have anything at all left on it. You cannot protect chosen files from deletion when a disc is erased. When you say 'can't back-up' your files I assume the macbook is not functioning at all at present? If so then I'm afraid they are lost. If it's working partially, you could try copying any and all you can to an external hard disc drive, or usb flash-drives (aka 'memory sticks' etc.). Burning to a dvd? Automated 'back-up' functions are nothing unique, dragging and dropping files yourself to an external is 'backing them up' just the same. Drives can be physically removed by specialists and data can very often be recovered, stored and returned to your repaired/reformatted ('as brand new') computer. It's not a cheap service and so it's usually only used to save absolutely impossible to replace, and/or commercially and financially valuable data. Your programs will of course be easy enough to reinstall, any downloads that are still available you'll have to download again. Personal, one-off stuff (photo's come instantly to mind) will only be recoverable if you use a service like this, otherwise...I'm afraid they're lost for good.
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But why the bleeding comes from her ass after I fuck
(edit: Please link to your previous questions if you ask a followup question. Here is the link to the previous question referenced here:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=617691) (link)
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In response to both your questions. Contact between blood and semen CANNOT result in pregnancy, and as dragonflymagic said, the anal & vaginal passages are not connected. Semen has to be introduced into the vagina (somehow) to make a woman pregnant. Bear in my that the two 'holes' if you like are physically very close together though when you are actually having anal sex and do not allow the freshly released semen to enter her vagina. Secondly, the back-passage, especially internally/the lining is not as tough or robust as the vagina. You may well cause a little bleeding, especially if you are a bit over-enthusiastic, or make love for a long time. And a good quality lubricant (from a chemist, designed and sold for use during sex) is really essential, and use enough. By the way, blood to semen contact has by far THE highest risk of transferring the HIV/AIDS virus, making anal sex THE highest risk type of sexual activity. Which is mainly why it was and is more common among gay males, and was called the 'gay plague' in earlier days. We understand it much more now. Don't freak out here, if neither of you ARE HIV-positive then there is ZERO risk of course, even if she bleeds during anal sex. As practical advice, maybe don't have anal sex for a few weeks so any irritation or small tear can recover. And when you want to try again, use plenty of lube and go a bit easy together. If it's still persistent and/or heavy she would be advised to see a doctor for an examination. Hope my reply helps.
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can anyone tell me why the fuck is it everytime i cook it ends up on fire or blown up in my face i mean oce i even set my poptart on fire wtf? (link)
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I should watch the heat (gas or electric) settings and keep your eye on the food for a while yet. True, people DO just 'bang stuff in', look and walk away and magically come back just at precisely the right time to turn it/take it out etc. It's not magic, or natural 'flair for cooking' at all, of course. It's EXPERIENCE. Keep going, keep your eye on the ball and treat a few cremated dinners as 'collateral damage' (as the army say!) while you're learning. You might not ever want to be a 'chef' type and cook for entertainment and enjoyment. A lot of people just learn like this, by trial and error, enough to get by. Try your very best NOT to burn the house down though, eh? Banging something in, forgetting all about it and going out with your mates and leaving an empty house...you do not wanna go down this path mate!!
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hi I'm 19 and my boyfriend said he wanted to try anal sex... The thing is that I never tried it before and I think it will hurt like reallllllly bad. I want to make him happy but at the same time I think that it could be painful :/ I don't know what to do because I love him so much and don't want to disappoint him. We have been dating for a year now. If you know what I could say to him, or any advice in general I would love it! By the way I love your column!
Thank you :) (link)
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Hi. Anal sex is one of those things that some women enjoy and some very definitely do NOT enjoy. It's also something that many guys find (or find the idea of) very appealing. And one that certainly attracts a lot of myths and overblown ideas and discussion. We're making a bit of a generisation here, true. But I believe quite a reasonably accurate one. I'd say that it really has to be the choice of the woman. A choice of 1.'NO...it does not appeal to me even in theory and I'm not even going to try it'. 2. I'll try and then I'll decide and my decision will not be negotiable'. Or 3. 'I want to try it, and want to get to like it.' To isolate just the physical facts from the myths and attachments. Yes, it will most probably feel uncomfortable initially. The rectum is at the end of the day 'an exit and not an entrance' as it were. And the lining is not as robust as your vagina. It produces no natural lubrication. It does not relax internally when sexually aroused. If you have no STD's and are perfectly healthy in all respects the back passage contains bacteria. If they stay there, no problem. But if they become transferred to your mouth or particularly your vagina (by obvious means, I'm sure I needn't explain) then although not in any way life threatening, they can and probably will make you feel pretty crap/ill until treated. So condoms, and/or pre-sex enemas, and lots of suitable lubricant...essential if you want to try. Personally, it sounds all to mechanical and contrived to me, not 'sexy and sensual' at all. Anal sex has never appealed to me in particular (ps. I'm a guy...which overturns our generalisation a little, I fancy?). To sum up...the womans choice in my opinion, always. And if the guy cannot or will not respect her wishes, he's not, and won't ever be much of a catch will he? Trust your judgement. If you've never fantasised about having anal, or felt a desire to do it YOURSELF, it has the odds stacked against you enjoying it, surely? pps. There is no equivalent of a clitoris up there waiting to be discovered and stimulate you in a new way either, of course. That's biology, not sexual behaviour.
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I have been depressed and have had sucidal thoughts and have self harmed for a while now. I really feel like I need to tell one of my friend but I don't know how please help! (link)
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When you're feeling like this it is good to talk rather than hide it away. Suicidal thoughts, and self-harming can indeed be dificult to discuss as there they're things we might feel quite guilty about, a bit ashamed of admitting to...feel it makes us stand out, not look or be 'normal' like everyone else seems to look and be. Nothing you're telling me here is making me think 'freak' or 'weirdo'...and I can tell you for sure that there are VERY many people feeling right now (or who have felt for a while)EXACTLY the same. This I promise you. Some of them perhaps didn't want to talk either? Choose a good friend, one you like and trust and can be relied on. And start trying to tell her. We want to start off a new, open and honest policy of talking about stuff like this...why not start with your friend? Not sure of your age, but as dragonflymagic metioned it could be that you need some help, back-up and resources to get you over this that only adults can arrange and deliver. So next people to approach and tell would be parents. Use the confidence you've found in talking about it to friends to encourage you, and just pour it all out. It'll be easier than you think once you make a start. Of course, if you want to discuss it a bit, hammer out a few things, practice talikng about these emotions and feelings...well there are plenty of anonymous (and free-thinking and non-judgemental in most cases I find) adults right here! And it's free. So get writing if you want a bit of help, or just practice. You can address private questions to individuals if you like, or throw your problem/feelings 'open' to the whole lot of us! Let's start talking?? X
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I caught a cold over the weekend and I'm exhausted because my cough is keeping me from getting rest. I don't sleep for very long and when I wake up, it's hard staying in bed and trying to sleep or relax because my cough is so bad. It gets better when I get up and move around, but I have to be able to rest as well. What can I do? (link)
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Honey, lemon juice ang glycerine spooned into near boiling water. Let it cool until it's comfortable for you to drink. It's soothing, comforting and totally un-medicated. But if the cough persists bear in mind there might be a bacterial or viral chest infection. They're usually quite mild (initially) but untreated they can get a good hold and be annoyingly long to clear. So if it doesn't start to improve you might well need some 'proper medicine'. If you can get some good sleep by simply soothing the irritation with the honey etc, that should help no end. While you sleep you don't cough, don't rough-up your chest and throat (making you cough more...and so the cycle continues). Colds and flu always target my chest, it's smoking...my own fault really! Thankfully I've got a pretty robust immune system and rarely get colds or flu. Get well soon mate!
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Hi, I feel as though I am in a rutt. I have gained 25 lbs over the year, stopped walking, took a new job being more sedentry. Im always hungry and always eating. I eat big meals. I am so unhappy in my relationship with this man who is a drinker and doesn't want to better himself. Iused to be so active in the past. Gym every mornig at 530 am. Active durring the day. I dont know where to start. I want to suppress my appetite and dont know what to take to help this? Does anyone have any ideas? (link)
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Hi there. Low mood, binge-like/comfort eating and a dwindling interest in appearance and things in general are pretty classic signs of lowering/low self-esteem. And onset of depression. Doctors look for signs like this, in fact more so than a patient self-diagosing depression/esteem issues and telling them 'I am suffering depression'. The relationship sounds pretty toxic. I believe you need to sort things out together or abandon it. Either will increase the pressure in the short-term, but try to look further ahead. Eventually, either way, things will improve. Carrying on regardless is likely to be a downward spiral, and the longer it goes on the harder breaking free will get. It is very easy to get into a low self-esteem pattern and it's self-destructive. The behavioural patterns and emotions you describe here are symptoms, not the cause. You need to treat the cause. If a friend described an identical scenario to you when your own self-image was in good condition I think you'd instinctively and intuitively tell her "It's your partner, he is dragging you down. You're losing your grip on things." Don't you?
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With the economy the way it is, it seems like a lot of the home cost estimator things on-line are WAY off now. :( Does anyone know of a way to get a somewhat accurate idea of how much our home is worth now? Thank you! (link)
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The 'real value' is how much people are willing to actually pay, right now. So get information on similar homes (similar size, condition, amenities, location etc). Look retrospectively, that is for actual COMPLETED SALES. How long were they on the market? Did the seller have to come down to get a sale? More than once maybe? Bear in mind that location makes the biggest difference, how close the property is to a city centre is a massive price changer. I'm in the UK and the price you'd expect to pay for a good sized house with a decent sized garden/plot of land would not buy anything at all, (not even a flat) in a London district like Chelsea or Knightsbridge. They're fashionable and bang-up close to the big city jobs and big city salaries of course, with no hours of travelling to work every day. I believe extensions (unless very big) or conservatories etc you may have added rarely add anything like the cost of adding them to the cash value, though it might be the extra feature that seals the sale if the viewer particularly likes it. Don't know where you are, but in the UK the practice of doing some largely cosmetic work to a tatty house and doubling it's value has long passed. The bubble burst a bit on this one, and falling prices in the (global?) recession left the last few badly stung, having paid more for a house in need of TLC than a pristine example would now command. Has been a tough time financially all round, hasn't it? They're pretty much like anything, whatever anyone says or claims, the real value of anything is how many pennies people are actually handing over right now.
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I want to run a marathon but I am having trouble working out the pacing and figuring out what speed I will have to run to make it in a reasonable time. Has anyone here ever run a marathon or ridden in a long bike race or something where you had to do with kind of computation? (link)
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Velocity (aka 'speed') is the first derivative of distance with respect to time. Thus distance (26 miles for the whole race I believe?)divided by time in minutes gives you the average velocity (speed) over the distance in miles per minute. Dividing by 60 makes it a more often used 'miles per hour of course'. That's the average over the distance. But the second derivative (the velocity you have found by change in distance divided by change in time, then divided again by time gives you 'acceleration'). You won't keep a constant velocity over the whole race, and one cannot keep accelerating indefinitely...as you no doubt know. (Your energy isn't infinite, and there's laws of physics governing velocity & acceleration). Using a stop watch that can do 'split timing' and storing the numbers (over say the first 6 miles, 6 in the middle, final six or something similar) will give you loads of data. You should be able to make a really precise profile of your performance, optimim distance, how you'll run. The way a racehorse trainer does for his horse to find it's best 'trip' and what to tell the jockey about howto handle it in a race. (eg. "Don't make him 'go' too soon, hold him up in a good position until the final furlong. Then push the button"...for example). Obviously you can't pick and choose YOUR best trip, it's fixed at the full marathon distance. But you will identify a tendency towards maybe being a strong starter/front runner, or a master at maintaining stamina, you might be a 'sprint finisher' with 'petrol still in the tank' at the end...and so on. You'll see how to 'manage' your energy best. Hope this is a help. It works with racehorses! Recap Change in distance divided by change in time = velocity. Velocity divided change in time = acceleration. That's all the variables in speed events I believe? ps Top marks...I couldn't run a marathon for a million quid!!
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My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years now, engaged just over a year. Our relationship has seemed to be great. We get along fantastically and we always work out our differences. We're a very happy couple. But recently I've found out that during the beginning of our relationship, he constantly messaged and flirted with all of his ex's and other girls he knew. He'd try to make plans to go see them and tell them how much he missed them and even sometimes how much he still cared about them. He admitted that he did almost cheat on me, due to the fact he was making plans to see one of his ex's that would've probably ended up in having him cheat. Upon finding all this out, it's completely broken my heart and broken my trust for him. He has apologized; deleted all of their numbers; blocked them on Facebook; and hasn't once talked to any of them since then, but even though it was so long ago, I'm still incredibly hurt, and I'm not sure what to do. When I asked him why he did this, he said he was worried (because he was moving for me) that I would end up breaking up with him like some of his ex's have done in the past after he's made a big commitment. Though I understand I realize that this is no excuse for what he did. I know I can learn to forgive him; especially since he is putting in more than 110% on fixing what he did wrong. But I need help on knowing how can I trust him again? It was so devastating to find out. And it hurts me so much. Am I overreacting? How do I deal with something like this? Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation before and how did you overcome it? Anything advice helps. (link)
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Think this pivots entirely on how true and genuine his stated reason really is. People sometimes have two reasons for doing something. A carefully worked out and predetermined 'reason' which they tell people when questioned. And the 'real reason' which they may wish to keep dark (not saying of course that this applies to every person and all their acts. Not by any means. Quite often there is one single motive/cause/explanation etc. But thought I'd point out that it's not a rare aspect of human nature and behaviour to use a 'blind' to conceal the actual motive and throw the proverbial 'curve ball' to suit their own ends). Anyway, back to the plot. Yes, if he has made every effort to commit strongly to the earlier girls and they were unwilling to return it for whatever reason, this will tend to give a man a deep 'fear' of committing again, which stems from the risk of being rejected and hurt again. Nobody enjoys rejection. Nobody likes being hurt. A man in this position may well keep his guards up and his options open. Giving him the apparent 'security' of a 'fall back girlfriend' as it were if/when YOU reject him. Which the 'once bitten, twice shy' fear he has is most probably making him think 'when' rather than 'if'. Especially as the committment/rejection pattern has happened to him more than once. In this case I would say his contact with previous girlfriends is an armour, an element or mechanism of self-protection. The argument falls apart if his reason was a blind. In which case you may have to assume that HE is the one not willing or ready at the moment to commit. He still wants it all ways, wants his cake and eat it. Maybe you could try having a little chat about the previous girls? Try and get at the real facts of the break-ups. How and why did they back off and not return his commitment? Exactly how, in what tangible ways did HE commit or signal his intent to commit to them? Do you see where I'm going with this line? If it's all true he'll have some certain, definite and clear answers. And show some real emotion when discussing it. And he'll be able to back it up. If he looks scared, rapidly changes the subject, repeatedly contradicts himself, and generally looks and comes across like a man pulling stories out of fresh air and making it all up...he almost certainly IS making it all up. Hope this is a help. There has been a deception, it's hurt you...you admit that. The important thing is to unearth precisely WHY he deceived you. The first case (fear of rejection) I would consider entirely acceptable and eminently forgiveable. The latter (self-centred and self-seeking) I would say takes a lot more understanding and accepting. Best wishes.
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I'm 13 n I want to be fucked:(! How can I relieve my horniness (link)
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Hi there! This type of (I believe genuine, fully sincere) question does crop up quite often in sites of this nature. And the person who posted the question is looking for a a serious reply. I'm reluctant to take the line 'Hey...you're being stupid. Stop thinking about all that horrible sex/horny stuff and go and read your pony books.' I assume you're female (as you say 'be fucked'?). Truth is of course, a girl (or guy) between around 13 to 15 is often going to find they've got all the necessary physical bits and responses to have sex. And as all sexual response is what we might term 'psycho-sexual' (the desire and the act cannot ever truly be separated) then they'll find themselves often and intensely interested in going out and doing it. In short...'feeling horny'. You might stop and think about the possible outcome of simply having sex for the sake of 'having sex'. True, there might be many lads of a similar age or older who would pick up on your desire and be happy to oblige. But what sort of guy do you think you'll be attracting here? Almost certainly one who is just fixing to use you and your body as a sort of 'theme park' for amusement in most cases. One who just wants to feel their side, and see what 'fucking a girl' feels like? I know it sounds cynical but this is so often the case. And consider the possible physical (and guaranteed emotional) entailments & consequences of uncommitted and probably not responsible/safe sex. OK, you've got a lifetime of being a normal, healthy woman in front of you. And of feeling horny...because that's what people do. Women (any and all ages) who choose at some time not to be in a relationship, or are between relationships etc will want to relieve these natural and strong urges. And do so by pleasuring themselves, aka masturbating. I assume you're OK about that? It is a perfectly natural, harmless and healthy thing to do. And one you should find very satisfying, pleasant and relieving. You'll enjoy many of the same physical and mental feelings and responses, with zero risk. Some more so than trying sex with someone you don't really have much connection with. And maybe has no idea of your needs or how to please you either. Isn't that a more tempting idea for now? And when Mr. Right comes along, and you're crazy about each other. And want to have sex with HIM because he's great (rather than just 'be fucked'...that's all), that'll be the right time. And it'll feel just like you hope, I'm sure. As part of a relationship it'll feel great. At the moment I think you're lookig at something you'll almost certainly find disapointing, even unpleasant and possibly with significant consequences. Haven't treated you like a little girl in my reply, have I? OK...you're feeling horny. Enjoy feeling horny, and enjoy relieving it yourself, eh?
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The other day my friend told me he has been seeing spirits/ghosts. He sees one which is his grandfather that doesn't try to hurt him, one of his twin who passed away and again doesn't try to hurt him, and then one who he doesn't recognize that is very agressive. He says he has woken up feeling as though he had been beat up in his sleep or with scratches on his arms. I'm not sure what to make of this considering I have no experience with ghosts or spirits. He says he is seeing someone about this but from time to time gets scared. Is there any websites or info you can provide to make him less fearful of sleeping at night? (link)
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I'm not convinced that there is any evidence at all to even suggest the possibilty of disembodied 'souls' of the dead wandering the earth and communicating with/helping/harming/tormenting the living. Even one documented, demonstrated and proven instance would indeed be a 'world headline'. Perhaps the most influential and world-changing event of our time. Of ALL time? I am no authority on religion, as I have no religious conviction myself. But I believe Christianity denies the existence of ghosts inhabiting the mortal world, does it not? 'The dead know not anything' is a Christian mantra, I'm sure. It does of course claim that those who died accepting and believing will be resurrected, given an eternal and perfect life in a future paradise. Post 'day of judgement'. As do most belief systems. Nirvana, Shangri-la, Valhalla...each has it's own. Our subconcious mind, which is often startling revealed in sleep is however capable of creating any amount of terrible demons and visions and sensory experiences. Could easily unbalance us psychologically when awake and concious again. Can easily take control of our motor functions (hence sleepwalking, paralysis of limbs, clawing at ourselves an leaving scrtaches etc). If you want to search the web and help him, I suggest you look at those which might shed some light on how to 'manage' and come to terms with unresolved emotional/anxiety/anger issues. Any 'real life' scenario or situation which could be responsible for these feelings? Ways to avoid undue mental activity just before going to sleep. (Video games, loud music, intense visual imagery etc.) Foods/drink/drugs which stimulate 'colourful' (shall we say) mental activity. And so on. I don't think you'll find much relief investigating the 'paranormal' or seeking an exorcist. You'll simply reinforce the (unlikely!) fixation on dark forces being at work. I'm assuming in my reply that YOU are wanting to help him, and don't buy into all this 'ghost story' stuff and nonsense yourself?? Best of luck with it.
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I'm really starting to question it. I'm cancer, and they apparently “cling" to crushes. I barely talk to mine. We hang out together sometimes, but I don't cling. They also aren't supposed to be brave and daring, but my peers, close friends, and family members say I am. My friend is Sagittarius. Sagittariuses are supposed to be manipulative, dangerous and mean, according to a website I found, but I've known that girl since I was 2, and now I'm 10. I know that girl like a book. She is THE EXACT OPPOSITE!!!!!!!! She wouldn't harm a fly! And my other Sagittarius friend, who I knew since I was 1, is never like that at all! In fact, I'd say she's a pushover. So, can stars truly have an impact on someone's life? (link)
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Quite agree. Regard as 'for entertianment value only' I suggest? There's nothing whatsoever to suggest that planetary/cosmic movements and alignments can exert any influence on the personality or character traits of humans. For one thing, the more distant planets simply do not actually move on a monthly cycle, and the actual alignment today will not be repeated twelve months from today anyway. Certainly the moon exerts a significant physical/gravitational 'pull' on the earth. That's why we have tides in the seas and oceans. And it does follow a monthly cycle. Perhaps this is at the root of astrological belief? But again, no evidence at all to suggest that anything in a human is receptive to, or under the influence of the moon. It's a complete myth that it affects the weather. We can see more clearly under a full or near full moon at night, where there are no street lights. That's about all it affects. Can the movements influence our day-to-day existence? Will we be 'lucky in relationships' or be 'likely to clash with/have an argument with our boss' this week? Once again, it is impossible to define or even imagine what mechanism or agency could bring this about, isn't it? Add that everybody born in the May-June window tagged 'Gemini' (for instance)is going to argue with the boss this week. That's an awful lot of people and a whole heap of arguments! Bit of harmless entertainment though, eh? The earth has it's cycles and seasons though, that's beyond argument. So does the entire universe. But the universal rhythms aren't centred around us, or controlling us. In the case of the cycles and seasons of earth, it is more WE who have had to adapt to THEM. So in a way THEY have shaped the history and habits and lives of us all. The distant planets and stars are following their own agenda, I reckon?
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Do any products that claim to be able to whiten your teeth at home really work? I need serious advice to whiten mine since I quit smoking but still drink coffee and tea which stains your teeth. :( (link)
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Whitening toothpaste used every time does indeed make your teeth very white if they are not enamel cracked or damaged. I drink loads of tea, like red wine and smoke (hopeless case, not kind to my teeth). Use it all the time, as you might imagine! Suppose it's a bit more abrasive than usual toothpaste, and maybe some bleaching agent in it? (spilled some on a pricey black silk shirt a while back...took the dye out and left an almost white spot. Ruined it!). Used it for years with no problems and I'm knocking on a bit. If your teeth are naturally white and in good nick it should be all you need to keep them stain free.
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Im really akward because im shy when it comes to not knowing what to do or not feeling confident enough to do or say something. I always stay on the down low or cover up and become someone im not and can never be myself because i fear what others will think or say bout me bacause i honestly am pretty weird but i dont want to have to change myself for others. (which i will do sometimes) i wasnt always this low and self concious. i loved myself and every aspect about me up until now and i dont know why i feel this way. i havent done anything wrong. ive olny dated once and the most we did was hug and hold hands and it only went on for two months.I was an amazing A student before this happened as well. and i have a very guilty conscience so i never did anything real bad. sometimes i think im pretty but when most of the time i feel absolutely hideous. Can someone please explain to me why i feel this way or how i can get rid of this problem? ive gone to just about everyone i could ask but know one listend and thought i was craxy or something. im 15 years old and im a girl. thanks (link)
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Hi there! Now 15 is around the age where most people go through a sort of 'transitional' period, where they kind of have a shift in perspective and outlook. We tend to become overtly self-conscious, feel that everyone is judging us, looking to find fault with us. And we tend to turn the same critical, judgemental eye on ourselves. Begin to hate certain things about ourselves, want to change them. At the same time there is still that younger urge to 'conform', to not 'stand out' from fellow members of what sociologists and psychologists call our 'peer group'...just meaning friends of about our same age and environment. I hope this is putting some of the emotions and feelings you are experiencing into some sort of form and perspective? This feeling of being 'under scrutiny' by friends, parents, teachers...the whole world in general in fact, usually has a rather negative effect on our self-confidence. Few, if any people would have a 'life' which could stand this sort of judgemental observation. Now the good news. Paradoxically, although you feel it's destroying your self-confidence right now, it's actually BUILDING it. Creating your individuality and independence, the hallmarks of a fully-developed, fully adult intellectual and emotional character. This 'under the spotlight' feeling is transitory, passing. Of course, the present (apparent) loss of self-confidence can easily affect academic achievement. With confidnce on our side we tend to succeed. Without it, easy things become harder, hard things seem almost impossible. And it becomes a bit of a vicious circle, a downward spiral. Low confidence makes low achievement, low achievements lowers your confidence further...achievement goes down again...and so on. We want to start breaking that cycle, now we know what it's all about, right? Hang in there...you'll break it. I'm hoping you're getting a good picture of what's going on 'in your head' by now? Seems to me there's a judgement perception going on over the boyfriend issue too? You're stressing and highlighting that you didn't 'do anything bad' etc. Again, peer group and society pressure...world's assuming that you have a boyfriend so you must be having sex under the age of consent...and so on. Is this close to the mark? Naturally, a healthy girl of 15 IS going to start taking a big interest in boyfriends. And dating and kissing and cuddling, enjoying some level of intimacy (the level she/they mutually choose is always best). You certainly didn't do anything to feel guilty about or ashamed of here. Yet, I was your age once...and yes...even telling your parents that you've got a girl/boyfriend (as applicable) at this time seems akin to confessing you're a mass-murderer/psychopath....we've all been there mate! In all, you're not crazy...you haven't had some emotional/mental meltdown that will screw-up the rest of your life. You're absolutely normal and fine. Take a bit of a step back and look at it all with an informed, cool and relaxed eye...hope you've got a little insight from my reply somewhere. In many ways this process is unique in your life. Nothing will ever be like this 'girl-to-woman' mental shift you're fighting with at the moment. So keep your spirit, and your confidence...up!
ps. As a child we seek consent and approval primarily from our parents. This is at the root of the change. You're moving away from this, into that (cliche??) 'big wide world' where you make your own mark, let the world/society do it's work in you, stand or fall on your OWN efforts and achievements. Become 'YOU'. That's a real change of outlook and perception, don't you think? A real challenge? Go on, step up to it! XX
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Hi I'm in pieces and don't know what to do. I've been with my husband 20 years we have a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son we also foster a 6 year old girl. We seem to have everything you could dream of enough money, perfect jobs, joy and happiness, nice cars, perfect kids but where do you go from there when you've reached all your goals. I know my husband is displaying every sign of a midlife crisis and is struggling maybe even depressed. He's 38 & I'm 37. I found out 2 weeks ago he's been having an affair for 4 months with a girl 24 year old who has a toddler. When I found out he said he'd hoped I would because he was trying to break it off with her for a while. He says he feels sorry for her as she was physically abused by her babies father and her mam has kidney failure. I held him close while he cried for his loss after he ended it with her. We planned how we would try to save our marriage we researched on the internet how to cope with the addiction of an affair etc how all contact had to be severed and things have been great. We spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks, made love every day went out together and he showed me every text and call she sent him in the first week and we handled them together telling her to back off he wants to be with us. it seems he really wants to make things work. Even planning an expensive holiday for us in 5 months time. But I found him phoning her when he was drunk tonight in the toilet and I checked his phone and he'd been phoning her all day from the toilets while I was at a football match with him. He's saying he's been telling her all day she's not worth losing his family for but I don't know if I believe him why would he keep phoning her could it just be because of the huge amount of alcohol? He's begged me for another chance saying he slipped up and wants us he's broke down screaming in the foetal position asking me to help him. He broke his heart saying goodbye to the kids. I was so mad that he'd been speaking to her today and my lack of trust made it worse, I shouted at him really angrily telling him he's ruined our family and he's had his chance. so I phoned his sister to come and get him. He was in a hysterical state when they arrived and had to be helped out of the door. It broke my heart but I felt so betrayed! He came to me and said he was sorry when he left but I said I don't want to hear it. My daughter heard everything and is devastated. She's texting him and calling him begging him to love me and pleading for him to come back. I can't function I'm having what I think is a panic attack, struggling to breath, pounding head, vomiting, shaking etc I can't cry as my daughter is beside me. I don't know what to do, I love him so so much but I've sent him to his sisters and I don't know if I've been to hard on him and he won't come back. Should I call him to work on helping him again and try to save our marriage or should I leave it up to him to approach me? Thank you for listening I've got no one to talk to and would love a third parties perspective on this. Mandy (link)
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Hi there. A heart-wrenching post on the dmage infidelity causes in a long term relationship. I believe your informative writing has given me a fairly good 'sketch' of you both though. Naturally, you are devastated...rightly so. I get a good idea that your self-esteem is in better condition than his, despite everything. I'd say his attraction to a rather 'needy' young woman has possibly aroused feelings of sympathy and of 'wanting feeling needed'. The desire for attention. And you mention that rather thorny 'mid-life crisis' angle, which is a notoriously difficult time. You seem to be taking the more positive view by far. He will be feeling a lot of guilt. Add this to what I believe is rooted in a self-esteem issue for him...and he is likely to 'wallow in it' as it were, and be very reluctant to (even scared to) approach you. So I believe that IF you intend to rebuild the relationship, then YOU will have to make most (all?) of the running at this stage. It might be tempting to 'let him stew' with a 'You wait...you'll regret this.' mindset. I would say he is deeply regretting it already. You have the moral and emotional upper hand I think? This does not strike me as the action of a man who was ever intending to choose the younger woman in preference to you and form a lasting relationship with her. More a knee-jerk reaction to low self-esteem, identity issues often associated with mid-life years and a a desire to be needed. Hope this helps as a third-party observation? And my best wishes to you. C.
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In simple terms, What happens within the brain/with dopamine when switching over from a manic state to a depressed state? (link)
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Hi. Not sure there's an 'ever so easy' way to descrcibe the action of neurotransmitters. Think of dopamine as an agent that drives sensations/emotions, you feel the effect of it in any 'reward-motivated' acts or behaviour (which is quite self-explanatory if you think about it). Now consider drugs like cocaine...which people say heightens and intensifies everything. The 'party drug' that makes the lights brighter, everything more intense and highly charged/exciting. Cocaine can be shown to amplify dopamine levels greatly, as can amphetamines (aka. 'speed'). You can probably get a picture of what's going on now? Now picture a sort of graph with a horizontal axis, which represents time. The vertical axis can go positive (up) and negative (down). The centre-point (zero, in effect) we'll imagine as a normal, regular 'mood'. Positive moves represent a 'happier' (if you like) mood, more up-beat. Negative, naturally, more down-beat, deppressive moods. Note they are relative, not absolute...your 'zero' is not necessarily my 'zero'. Maximum positive value we'll call 'Manic Euphoric' and maximum negative, we'll call 'Manic Depressed'. Think of our mood as a 'curve' which over time can (and indeed does) go up and down around our centre 'zero' (normal). Most of the time the ups and downs don't 'crash against' the high manic euphoric/manic depressed limits...they have less amplitude than that, more gentle curves and swings. This is a pretty standard model, and dopamine levels, if plotted, would follow our mood swings over the same time period. I hope you're seeing something in this description, although it's hard to describe in simply words. Better looked at together, with proper feedback/discussion/illustrations. Hope you're seeing what I'm getting at though. 'Cranfield Curves' is the subject you might look into if you're sort of seeing it, but maybe not too clearly. The neurological/medical action of neurotransmitters is well beyond my scope...you'll need a medical graduate (brain surgeon??) for that...and possibly be one yourself to understand it in depth! Think of dopamine in general as an agent which makes us 'feel' things. Makes us human. When the level changes, so does our 'mood'. Best wishes!
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Its great that in the face of epic injustice and daily misery which you outlined in your postings, you find that life is worth living, or, that it is your duty to live (??). Its great that you have that perspective and choose life.
Its likely a good thing that you encourage you readers to 'live' at any cost, after all you wouldn't want to seriously engage with the subject at a deep level, or feel liable for someone's passing, very wise.
However, i think you strip others of the depth and width of their character, life experience, intellectual capacity, spiritual or cultural references, personhood (just for starters) when you suggest they should live, as you choose to do, in abjectness, if you're to be believed. It may be hard to believe but some folk have had an even more eventful and destructive life experiences than yourself, others feel simply that they have lived and learnt enough etc etc... or that they are not quite where they should be.
In addition if one is to be a Material-rationalist (i roughly mean 'this is it, so make the most of it'), but also insist on the duty to live (an expensive and often zero sum game for oneself and wider society), I see this position as incongruent and complex to maintain (but very interesting and engaging, hence me tapping out a few words).
Anyhow, don't blow a gasket, its just a few words which you're welcome to ignore.
Harper
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Some thoughtful words, like your style. Too eloquent to ignore. Temper it with the fact that everyting I am doing now, all I've ever done and all I will ever do is to endeavour to create and impose meaning (something I wish to call 'my life') on the cold fact of my mere existence and being. And that is all any of us can ever do. It transcends sex, race, religion, creed, age, nationality...everything. There is no deeper meaning. Understood correctly, this is the most liberating idea on earth. Since when acknowledged we simply live our lives, engage in our loves, hates, projects and ambitions etc. And we stop asking the questions 'why?' or 'what does it all mean?' It does not 'mean' anything to anyone other than ourselves. Best wishes....if you still think that's appropriate! C.
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Maybe I'm being overly sensitive because I already tend to feel invisible. Also, this may be something that happens to everyone. However I feel like people just don't listen to me.
I feel like when I speak, people ignore big parts of what I'm trying to say. People on this site are not guilty of this, but when I ask other people for advice, they're horrible at it because they don't listen to my whole question. When I tell a story and they repeat it, they get it all wrong.
Tonight someone got mad at me because I told them of certain things that people were doing that were offending me. I made sure to tell them that they were not one of these people, but they missed that part somehow and jumped down my throat. People do things like this somewhat often.
When I give someone a valuable piece of information, something that they need to know, if they don't know it, it's my fault. I get blamed for people not listening to me and maybe it is my fault. But how? What do I do about it? I used to think that it was indeed my fault. It didn't seem reasonable that everyone else was the problem, so maybe I wasn't making myself clear. I started making myself as clear as possible and I know that people could understand me, but they still don't. Is this a common problem? Do people think I'm not worth listening to? (link)
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Hi there. Let me tell you a bit of 'power psychologyl'. It might sound a bit counter-intuitive. When you get in a loop like this (nobody listens to you) your self-esteem goes down, so you feel you're not worth listening to, and so on. People tend to try and talk louder and faster, to get their say in during the brief period they feel is all they'll get. Ever noticed how people in authority tend to speak slowly, at a moderate, constant volume and tone? And people pick up on the calm, natural air of authority and importance it lends them? And when they speak, people listen. Resist the urge to shout and rattle on like a verbal machine-gun. Try copying this bit of verbal 'power-play'. It often works, purely because people associate this with power. Think high court judges, consultant surgeon at a hospital, high ranking government staff. Also, if and when others challenge or heckle, nod an acknowledgement, defer...basically ignore it. Don't let it break your thread, keep framing the words you want to say in advance...and deliver them like a speech, or lines in a script. Big-up your persona, they'll start to listen!
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I've always noticed that when I draw people, especially what I think are interpretations of myself, they always look sad and depressed... Would this be a kind of reflection of myself? Like maybe Im actually sad and depressed but don't really notice it because its so normal to me?? Thanks in advance to all responses. (link)
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Encouraging long-term depressives to vent and explore their feelings through arts like drawing, sketching and painting is an effective and common therapy. Their output isn't always depressive. It's just as likely to be vibrant, exciting, chaotic etc. Thinking about it, do you like Vincent Van Gogh? Total depressive...but wow! His paintings SING out life, Passionate, vibrant....the clouds seem to move, the trees and cornfields lashing in the wind as you look at them. Ok...I love Vincent! His portraits and self portraits do look gloomy, troubled, introspective...sometimes dark. Do others think YOUR portraits convey this, or just you? If the general feel is they are down-beat they may very well be reflecting your inner feelings when you produced them. As good art should. If you didn't do it deliberately, and it's not down to faulty skills/technique. Doesn't mean you're suffering from depression by any means. If you're otherwise functioning ok, you're almost certainly ok. Maybe this is a facet of the human condition your work taps naturally into? Your style? Ps...if you want to see EVERY nuance of human nature captured to perfection in faces...Rembrandt! And yes, his own life had troubled periods...his works
reflect them. You're in good company with these two Dutch masters I think?? Vincent's passion, and Rembrandt's most incisive and revealing best drew on some inner depression. X
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