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I found out my fiancé had been flirting with and texting his ex's
My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years now, engaged just over a year. Our relationship has seemed to be great. We get along fantastically and we always work out our differences. We're a very happy couple. But recently I've found out that during the beginning of our relationship, he constantly messaged and flirted with all of his ex's and other girls he knew. He'd try to make plans to go see them and tell them how much he missed them and even sometimes how much he still cared about them. He admitted that he did almost cheat on me, due to the fact he was making plans to see one of his ex's that would've probably ended up in having him cheat. Upon finding all this out, it's completely broken my heart and broken my trust for him. He has apologized; deleted all of their numbers; blocked them on Facebook; and hasn't once talked to any of them since then, but even though it was so long ago, I'm still incredibly hurt, and I'm not sure what to do. When I asked him why he did this, he said he was worried (because he was moving for me) that I would end up breaking up with him like some of his ex's have done in the past after he's made a big commitment. Though I understand I realize that this is no excuse for what he did. I know I can learn to forgive him; especially since he is putting in more than 110% on fixing what he did wrong. But I need help on knowing how can I trust him again? It was so devastating to find out. And it hurts me so much. Am I overreacting? How do I deal with something like this? Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation before and how did you overcome it? Anything advice helps.
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Although many will have different inputs on this one, I am firmly against giving someone a chance who stated they "almost" cheated on me. This would raise questions on how trust worthy they are too me and have much they value the relationship to begin with. That said, This happened in the beginning of the relationship but even at that, I'd be a little awry to whether I can truly proceed to have a happy relationship. I guess I am a bit old fashioned
Anyho, Anyone who is still hung up on their exes is not truly able to give their current relationship 100% as their heart is in two different places. Really how you overcome it all depends on the expectations of the relationship. You both have been engaged for a bit over a year now, Has he recently been giving you any reason to suspect he is unfaithful to you?
Doll, My husband and I have a close relationship and the type that makes people jealous. Although I will never truly understand the reasons for it, The key is communication and quality time with one another that is enjoyable. It takes two to make a relationship become one and if one person in the relationship isn't meeting up to part then it needs to be talked about or the relationship will be a rocky road.
Trust takes years to build, Seconds to break and forever to repair. To have someone admit such a thing, You are expected to take it slowly as trust is not given it is earned with time.
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Let me see if I understand you correctly. You recently found something out about what happened during the beginning of your relationship with your fiancé. Something that happened early in your relationship before you could call yourselves truly a couple in a relationship. Now sometime recently you found out that during this time he kept in touch with his past girlfriends going so far as to make dates to meet up with them but didn't. You don't say how you found this out which is important. Did he tell you or did you snoop on his phone and find their numbers and question him?
If this was something that happened before you two were truly a couple committed to a long term relationship. Then I might be inclined to say you were over reacting as I would say that there was no true commitment from either of you to each other at that time other than dating.
Admitting that he almost cheated on you is not the same as cheating on you. The police cannot arrest someone because they are thinking about robbing a bank, they have to rob a bank to be arrested. It is like former President Carter is quoted as saying he lusts in his heart about Playboy centerfolds. A man can lust all he wants he is not guilty of cheating unless he commits the act.
I have been married for 43 years come this July. When we were first married my wife said I can look at the menu all I want. Should I ever decide to reorder or sample the menu she would cut of a very impotent part of me, ALA Lorena Bobbitt.
He did not cheat which is important. As you go through married life he will come in contact with other women, at work, at church and at home with neighbors. He will form friendships with these women just as you will form friendships with other men. This is where trusting that the bed you each sleep in is only the one you both share.
Without knowing how you found out about his early indiscretion, as you see it, I really cannot comment. Suffice to say that you two have been a couple for four years and engaged for the last year. Holding something against him or him to you would be and is wrong given when it happened. As I see it based on your writing you were not exclusive at that time and being that way would give neither one of you reason at this time to be upset or to hold it against each other.
Tell your fiancé you over reacted and to mark it up to pre-wedding glitters which this is what it truly appears to me to be. Kiss and make up and have a wonderful life together. The most important advice I can give you for that is to never go to bed mad. This is 43 years of marriage speaking and I've not been the easiest person to live with. We must be doing something right as we are only one of three couples of all our friends still on our first marriage.
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Think this pivots entirely on how true and genuine his stated reason really is. People sometimes have two reasons for doing something. A carefully worked out and predetermined 'reason' which they tell people when questioned. And the 'real reason' which they may wish to keep dark (not saying of course that this applies to every person and all their acts. Not by any means. Quite often there is one single motive/cause/explanation etc. But thought I'd point out that it's not a rare aspect of human nature and behaviour to use a 'blind' to conceal the actual motive and throw the proverbial 'curve ball' to suit their own ends). Anyway, back to the plot. Yes, if he has made every effort to commit strongly to the earlier girls and they were unwilling to return it for whatever reason, this will tend to give a man a deep 'fear' of committing again, which stems from the risk of being rejected and hurt again. Nobody enjoys rejection. Nobody likes being hurt. A man in this position may well keep his guards up and his options open. Giving him the apparent 'security' of a 'fall back girlfriend' as it were if/when YOU reject him. Which the 'once bitten, twice shy' fear he has is most probably making him think 'when' rather than 'if'. Especially as the committment/rejection pattern has happened to him more than once. In this case I would say his contact with previous girlfriends is an armour, an element or mechanism of self-protection. The argument falls apart if his reason was a blind. In which case you may have to assume that HE is the one not willing or ready at the moment to commit. He still wants it all ways, wants his cake and eat it. Maybe you could try having a little chat about the previous girls? Try and get at the real facts of the break-ups. How and why did they back off and not return his commitment? Exactly how, in what tangible ways did HE commit or signal his intent to commit to them? Do you see where I'm going with this line? If it's all true he'll have some certain, definite and clear answers. And show some real emotion when discussing it. And he'll be able to back it up. If he looks scared, rapidly changes the subject, repeatedly contradicts himself, and generally looks and comes across like a man pulling stories out of fresh air and making it all up...he almost certainly IS making it all up. Hope this is a help. There has been a deception, it's hurt you...you admit that. The important thing is to unearth precisely WHY he deceived you. The first case (fear of rejection) I would consider entirely acceptable and eminently forgiveable. The latter (self-centred and self-seeking) I would say takes a lot more understanding and accepting. Best wishes.
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