marinemom24's advice column

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Q: When women are being married, they usually start showing off their engagement/wedding ring(s). I have very selective taste, and I find many of them to be gaudy or downright ugly. What am I supposed to say when these women are expecting me to tell them, "How lovely"?

A little white lie and some tact goes a long way in this situation. It's okay to simply say someone's ring is lovely or pretty. What would you gain by being honest? Hurt feelings and maybe a strained friendship? When my husband (certainly not a rich man) proposed to me and gave me a ring my sister-in-law took one look at it and said, "oh, how cute". I thought, "cute"?? She may as well have said it was tiny. What did I take away from her comment? That she was a materialistic bitch and it annoys me to this day. So, I think choosing your words carefully is important.

Q: I have a father who's always mean to me. He finds reasons to yell at me -- for example, the trash isn't taken out or the dishes aren't washed. He isn't involved in my educational life at all. When my teachers request a conference with my parents, he almost never shows up. When I graduated from elementary school and middle school, he didn't come to either of the ceremonies.

I'll talk to my dad about these things sometimes, and he says he's sorry and the next day he'll buy me something to try and make it up to me. He can be really nice when he wants to be, but most of the time he's a mean person. He is always putting me down, calling me an idiot and saying I'm worthless and a good-for-nothing son. I really want to become friends with my father, but it seems he doesn't. What can I do?

Some people are just incapable of showing love and affection. Perhaps your dad was never shown love when he was growing up and it's something that's followed him into adult life. On some level he recognizes that the way he treats you is wrong and he feels badly about it for a little while, but then goes right back to the hurtful behavior. Old habits are extremely hard to break. Try to remember that this is HIS issue and not yours. Do you think you're a good for nothing? Of course not. If it helps to talk to someone outside your household you might consider that. Maybe a school counselor or teacher? Mean, hurtful words can cut like a knife. Make a decision to stop this cycle of abusive behavior and vow that you'd never do this to your children. I know alot of this might sound easier said than done, but recognizing there's a problem is your first step. For now, your most realistic approach might be to just stay out of his way until you're able to leave the home. You're not going to change him and it's important for you not to internalize his words and actions. They do not define you. Hopefully, sometime in the future the two of you might be able to have a normal, functioning relationship. I sincerely hope this helps somewhat. Best of luck!

Q: my ex boyfriend broke up with me, we remained in contact because I wanted to try and work things out and he said he'd think about it. I didn't want to remain friends with him and I made that clear. a month later, after no effort on his part, I started texting a guy I met in a bar. my ex SAW me with the guy but all we were doing was talking.

im not dating this guy, and my ex knows that, but he said to me "well y'all might get together soon, or you might start dating another guy I don't know but then maybe we'd get back together if you broke up" I said what do you mean he said "im jus saying you never know" why would you say that to someone you broke up with?

It sounds to me that he's just trying to string you along. He broke up with you and didn't want to work things out although you did. Now he realizes you're not at home crying over it and you're out meeting new guys. He's probably jealous but still won't committ to you, so instead he makes half-assed comments to get your attention. My advice would be to cut off any contact with this guy and move on. He's immature and not worth your time. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Q: Hello my period is 4 days late, I've been off birth control for about 4 months and my period since I've gotten off the pill has been fairly regular and normal. Thats why this is kind of alarming to me. Last time i had my period was a couple days before Christmas. The last time my husband and I have had sex was December 3rd (due to his deployment) and i've had a period since then so i dont think im pregnant. I dont even have any pregnancy symptoms, i have been fairly "moist" down there but i dont think thats anything that would have to do with pregnancy?Well does anybody know what could be up? Thanks for the advice and i do rate! :)

I think your best choice is to take a pregnancy test. Many women experience what they perceive to be a light period in early pregnancy. And, yes, the moistness can also be another indicator of pregnancy because the vagina will very often have a discharge (clear and not yellow). Pregnancy tests have come a long way. They're affordable and extremely reliable. I hope this helps! Good luck and please thank your husband for serving his country!

Q: So my boyfriend came over a week ago and we talked for about 3 hours...at first I was upset with him because I felt like we were growing apart and fighting a lot more about stupid things and he didn't want to talk to me and fix things. After a lot of tears, he finally broke through and told me how he felt. After that everything just flooded out from both of us and we made a huge 'break through' in our relationship. We both decided that even though we're in love, in the long run we probably weren't going to last. But I asked him if we were still going to try and he said yes of course...sooo we're still going out and things have been going better then ever since then but I was just wondering if this will be good for me. I love him and I love hanging out with him, but should I keep being with him if our personalities clash? We haven't gotten into any fights lately, but I'm sure we will eventually start again...I mean, yeah we fight a lot but the good times ALWAYS make up for the bad times...So what do you all think? Should I run this thing into the ground? Or might we actually have a chance? Any advice is good, thank you all so much.

It sounds to me like you have a pretty solid basis for a good relationship. Everyone argues now and then. But when you do fight, are they knock down drag outs? Do they escalate to something physical? If so, then it's not a good idea to stay in the relationship. If not, then maybe you can work it out. It sounds like the two of you have been keeping the lines of communication open (having had a 3 hr talk shows this). Communication is one of THE most important skills in maintaining an open relationship. You don't say how old the two of you are. That might play a part in things as well. One thing I did notice is that you seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop...that is you say you haven't been fighting lately, but you're sure it'll start up eventually. If you are anticipating issues then they're bound to crop up. Try just focusing on the good times you have when you're together and don't sweat the small stuff. I hope this helps a bit. Good luck!

Q: im 18/f and he's 19/m

ok, so i have become really really close with the lead singer of a local band. so close that were even travelling to america together. However, when i first saw him a little over a year a go, he was taken. Knowing my boundaries i backed off and i began talking to his friend, and fellow bandmate. Soon i developed a 3 month long crush on his bandmate at the start of last year. Eventually i got over the crush on the guitarist, still having a little 'inkling' so to speak about the lead singer. He and his girlfriend conveniently broke up and we began to talk and open up to each other. It wasn't only till recently that i realised that perhaps he likes me just as much as i like him... We are so much alike its actually scaring both of us, and he's so different to what i'm used to, in a good way.

so anyway, I never told the lead singer, that i used to have a crush the start of last year for his guitarist. Then last night, we were having yet another deep conversation when he brought up that he knew i used to like his guitarist. I asked him how he possibly knew that considering i never told the guitarist i liked him. He didn't answer me and then he says to me. "You were in love with him!" and i was doing my best to convince him that i wasn't in love with his guitarist. He was looking at my youtube videos, and found and old one i put up quite a while ago, a comic i made, where the guy just happened to look EXACTLY like his guitarist. He told me not to lie, so i told him flat out "yes i used to have a thing for your guitarist for 3 months at the start of last year...its all in the past now etc etc" and that my comic pictures were old and not recent. He kept teasing me saying "you were obsessed with him! or your inlove with him!" and i would keep telling him, trying to convince him that i dont at all anymore...

then he wanted to know why i liked his guitarist, what attracted me to him, pretty much what happened in that period of three months that i liked him...i was confused as to why he wanted to know so much about it, but i answered him anyway. Then he says something that is absolutely doing my head in...he says to me "When i get my lisense, and come to pick you up and hang out with me and my friends, im just going to look at greg and go UGHHH." confused as to why he would go ughh i asked him and hes like "I'll tell you one day...." WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY MEAN?! i dont understand that at all..
and he told me how he wish he never saw that picture i drew of me and his guitarist in my comic. and how he wont be able to think of me the same now...
what do i do? what did he mean? why does he care about it so much?

the last thing i want is for him to think im crazy and obsessive etc etc. :( help.

I don't think the issue is that he thinks you're obsessive ro crazy. I think the issue is that he's jealous of your past feelings for this other band member and is now thinking he wishes he never pushed you into telling him about it. Very often people think they want to know absolutely everything about their new love interest, until they finally hear something they'd rather not know. If you wish to have one final conversation with him on the subject you could do that. Tell him you aren't interested or in love with the guitarist, that it was just a 3 month crush and you want this new relationship to progress forward. Then after that let it go. No one wants to constantly have to reassure the other party that they love only them and have no feelings for anyone else. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Q: I feel like its a part of my personality.. like I like to think things out rationally.. and I love to argue when I know I'm right, and ask questions so I can learn new things and what not. But I know it can be annoying to people, so how can I suppress such urges to not just talk about things in a nonchalant way? I tend to talk about topics deeply.. and the next you'll see me just joking about something silly. I want to act more lady-like and less offensive to someone else who may differ in opinion. And I don't want people to think I'm aggressive or anything. I'm just trying to become a better person by educating myself, as well as educate others by proving what they're saying is wrong with facts. Ugh maybe that's my problem right there. How do I fix this? thanks! I'm 17 btw.

I'm normally a chatty person and sometimes I say things at impulse.. and wish I was one of those people who are more mysterious and say mostly what's need to be said. I find that admirable. So how do I become this way?

Lady like? Please don't sell yourself short. Don't give into society's misguided ideas that women can't be opinionated while remaining "lady like". Women can be just as strong as men while getting their opinions across. Strong men are viewed as "real men" while strong women are viewed merely as "bitches" and that's just wrong. Okay, now I'll get off my soap box and really answer your question :) There is nothing wrong with voicing how you feel about things. There is a place for people like you in society. Politics, advocate groups, and more all need people who are good at debating important issues and winning people over to their point of view. Don't ever back down from what you believe simply because you don't want to appear aggressive or overbearing. It doesn't sound like you're being malicious. Its sounds like you simply have strong opinions and that's a good thing. I'm very much like that and it's been my personal opinion that people are going to enjoy your refreshing candor or resent it (usually because you've hit a nerve and pointed out a character flaw). So be it then. Continue being yourself. You'll be better off for it. Hope this helps!

Q: Hey amazinggg people!
Basically im Blogging..on blogger.
ande i just signed up yesterday and uploaded 2 blogs..howcome noones seen it yet?!?!? or commented it?? I want people to see it. its on the "anybody" can see it option, but noone has seen it yet ! i want lots of people to view it. what do i do. do u know whyy they havent read it yet? i worked very hard on it.
thanks guys.
peace.

Basically it's very difficult for someone to stumble upon a random blog post. A couple of things you can do is think carefully when creating a title for your blog posts. Get your point across in about 4 words or less and be specific. When people do online searches (google, yahoo, bing, etc) they'll plug in a particular word and that's how they get their results. If you have a MySpace or Facebook account provide links to your blog page in your info. Twitter about your blog. Sign up for an account on MySpace or Facebook using your blog name. It's going to take a little bit of time to be noticed. Don't give up. Keep writing for yourself in the meantime. Hope this helps. Good luck blogging!

**you could send friend requests to people you have on your regular myspace and facebook pages. you could also do some searches on facebook for people who share the same interests as you (and who you think might be interested in reading your blog) and then send them friend requests.

Q: Hi ihave dd breasts and i need a swimsuit bad. they grew 2 cup sizes in 5 months. i found this swimsuit... this one http://www.amazon.com/White-Polka-Piece-Strap-Bikini/dp/B003Z5DLHQ/ref=pd_sbs_a_2

or this one http://www.amazon.com/Brown-White-Brazilian-Bikini-Swimsuit/dp/B002IXC47E/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t

im looking for 40 dollar swimsuits or (very close to that price) (or way less) that fit the dd cup... Do those swimsuits i just gave the link to seam like a dd? and can i call amazon and find out if they are dd?
cuz it doesnt say it on the chart.

please help me..
i do not want a one piece or tankini.. i'm SIXTEEN. i do not wanna dress like an old lady at the beach.. :( please help . if you find any please send me links

My suggestion would be not to buy a bathing suit over the internet. With a unique figure such as yours I think it might be risky to hope something you see on a computer screen would fit properly. Actually, alot of clothing doesn't fit the way they do on the models you see on websites. Take a trip to the mall and try on swimwuits to get a better idea of what size you might actually be. You don't have to buy them, just try them on. I get a sense that cost might be a factor for you, but honestly $40.00 is on the low side for a good-fitting swimsuit. If you absolutely must purchase over the internet I'd stick to a company that offers free shipping both ways so that if you buy something that doesn't fit or look quite right you can easily send it back. I know for sure that Zappos does this and I'm sure other companies do as well. I really hope this helps a bit. Good luck!

Q: I just get so nervous to hangout with guys. Ok so this guy wants to hangout tomorrow but then id have to tell my parents and i know they would be teasing me and some shit idk but I dont know what to do!! And then my nerves get the best of me and I've never kissed a guy...he's 16 im 15 helpppp its tomorrow!

Relax, take a deep breath and remember he's probably just as nervous as you. Go into this with no preconceived notions about where this will go. If you look at it as just hanging out with a new friend maybe it'll take some of the edge off. Don't worry about kissing or anything past that. Keep it light, talk about mutual interests, school, etc and you'll be fine. I promise you, we've all been there and have had the initial nervousness. As for your parents, simply tell them this guy is a friend and leave it at that. Afterall, that's what you two are at this point right? It'll be alright :) Hope this helps a bit! Good luck!

Q: 18/f and hes 19/m

ok so i really like this guy, usually he calls me bub, bubba, gorgeous, hun etc etc like cute nicknames...then today i say
"hello lovely :)"
and i get back "Hey kid"
kid? like seriously? im only a year younger then him and i dont see how that is cute at all =/ in fact its actually making me think he doesnt like me in that way...or as much as he did, because everyone keeps telling me its not a good thing if a guy calls you kid.

advice? x

I wouldn't read to much into this. Was he alone or with friends when he called you "kid"? Maybe he was just having an off day. If it really bothers you just ask or even text him about it. I don't see anything wrong with that. You can be playful about it if you want to make it seem like it really doesn't bother you. "What's up with calling me kid?" See what he says to this. Hope this helps a bit!

Q: I've been with my bf for over a year and He seems to flirt with this girl he has class with,but they both said they don't like eachother, blah blah blah. I plan on switching schools within the next few days, and idk if i want to. I hate my school, there's so much drama so i wanna leave, but im scared ill lose my boyfriend :(

Without the trust of both parties no relationship can survive. Your boyfriend may or may not be flirting with this other girl, but as long as you think he is then it's a problem. If your boyfriend dumps you because you switch schools then perhaps your relationship wasn't that solid. Have an honest talk with him. Without getting emotional, calmly tell him about your concerns and see what he says. Keep the lines of communication open and you both stand the chance of making your relationship work. I hope this helps a bit. Good luck!

Q: We text for long times, like until really late and he always sends me smileys and winky faces he agreed to hangout soon but he says he doesn't want anything serious at the moment cause he just got out of a almost 3 yr relationship. I've been there and definetly understand what he's going through but I really like him. I respect his decision about staying single for awhile but I really like him and I want him to myself i can't help it haha. Is there anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable around me or anything? I don't wanna scare him away. Thank you!

I think the best thing you can do for now is respect his request that you don't get serious. Start by being friends. From the way it sounds, you already have a good basis for one. Be there for him, find mutual interests you can enjoy together. With any luck, when he's ready to move on to another relationship it'll be with you. Don't push him and I think it'll ultimately pay off. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Q: Hi! I live in beaumont texas and my birthday is coming up. i was wondering on good places to eat. I already know of cheddars and carrabas and ihop n bla bla..

is olive garden in beaumont good or does it lack a little ? is pasta all they have?

what other sit down restaurants are good to eat at?

I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area and have to say (after relocating from Upstate NY) The Cotton Patch Cafe has the most bang for your buck here! The food is excellent, no matter which one I've gone to the service is A+, portions are more than generous and the prices are fantastic. I'm not a big fan of Olive Garden (we have them up north too). To me, the food always tastes and looks like pre-made frozen food. In my opinion, Ihop's okay for breakfast. Chili's usually runs some good 2 for's. I would have said Joe's Crab Shack is good but the last time we ate there it was VERY dissapointing (tiny portions and pretty expensive). You can always do some online searches in your area and see what restaurants and reviews pop up. Hope this helps! Good luck and Happy Birthday!

Q: So okay I've been dating this guy for like ten months. He's sixteen, junior and I'm fifteen, sophomore. Well about a month ago this random dude facebook messaged him like "Hey I saw your girlfriend at walmart today!" (They know eachother from a baseball camp I guess, not well though, and my boyfriend doesnt really like him. my boyfriend was alright cool and they had a conversation and what not, mostly talking about me I guess. I've never really talked to the guy much... he's kinda creepy, a little out there, not really in my crowd but he's pretty nice so we didn't think much of it. Well since then this guy keeps sending me and my boyfreind messages (also texts) but he'll send me facebook messages every single day, nothing really interesting (latelly I have not been replying). The interesting things are the things he's been sending my boyfriend. He's sent things saying:
"(My name) is a really great girl, you're so lucky." and eventually he go up to "Would you possibly let me hook up with (my name)" and my boyfriend was kinda like "excuse me??" thinking maybe he was joking or something. Keep in mind, this guy and my bf aren't friends. At all. At first he just didn't wanna be a dick but now that this kid is getting really creepy he's blocked him on facebook and is trying to block his number. He'll try to talk to my boyfriend when he see's him (cause they go to the same guym) and I guess he always brings me up... Some of the messages he's sent my boyfriend have really scared me. Even though my bf isnt replying to him (and he didn't want to show me the messages but I kind of made him) he's sent things like "I just wanna f*ck her till she screams" and "Everyone's gotta price man, I'll pay anything for a night with her"... I don't know what to do... Once the dude's number is blocked I think most of it will stop but what if he keeps bothering him...? My friends don't really know what to do either. I'm kind of freaked out but I'm trying to keep cool cause I don't wanna stress my boyfreind stressed out about it anymore than he already is... But he doesn't know how much longer he can keep it together with out confronting this guy. It's not like I can go to my school though because all three of us go somewhere different... I don't know what to do!

This is harassement, plain and simple. He's texting lude comments and that's got to stop. Save all the texts and talk to local law enforcement. Don't be afraid to do this. This nut could easily progress from texting sexually explicit messages to something more serious. Your bf (and you) should adjust your FB security settings so that you can only receive messages from friends (I'm assuming this psycho isn't a friend on FB). Also, go to FB's security "help" page and report this guy. He's stalking you and it started on FB. He got your cell numbers from your FB profile so hold FB accountable. See what they'll do about it. There's a whole section on there about harassing behavior. Please don't let this escalate. This is creepy stuff and needs to be handled asap. Good luck!

Q: I have no idea what cup size I am. im too big for a c or a d, but sometimes dd's are huge on me. other times they mash em down & I get double boob. I need good support because after pregnancy they dropped a bit. I know im a 36, but thats it. how can I get measured without my other bras that dont fit throwin it off? & can I get measured for free? thanls

Go to any nearby Nordstrom's. They have a free bra fitting service to help you find the best size bra for you. It was featured recently on Oprah and I've heard alot of really good things about this service. I've also heard that Macy's does this as well. Hope this helps!

Q: I'm really not the emo type. I'm a cheerleader, age 16 , and I sing and play violin.. but suddenly my dad has been acting like such an asshole to me. He yells at me over nothing. I could be studying silently and he'd yell that I was being lazy and needed to clean. Anyways, I have a swiss pocket knife I took from him when I got mad and never had intentions of using it. One day I felt like shit and he was going off again and I didn't even know what I was doing but I cut all up and down my one arm and I did feel better. However I need to stop. No parents or doctors or adults involved. I can't deal with them. Please help..

I'm sorry honey, but there's no way anyone can tell you to handle this on your own. You're going to have to talk to someone and it's going to have to be an adult outside your home. Someone is going to see these cuts on your arm sooner or later and all teachers are state mandated to report this type of behavior. Cutting can become a powerful addiction, like any other addiction and it will become more and more difficult for you to stop on your own. Please, for your own safety and well-being tell someone soon.

Q: i have not been able to sleep well at all. i take about 2 hours to fall asleep, and then i'll wake up about 10 times during the night, and then take another 10 minutes to fall asleep after each time. i don't like to take sleeping pills cuz they make me wake up in a haze the next morning, and i get up really early. what can i do?

There are alot of reasons for insomnia. First, I think you should think of some underlying causes for your sleep troubles. Are you under stress? In pain? Perhaps it's even something you're eating or drinking during the day or shortly before going to bed. My best advice would be to see a doctor as soon as possible. The human body needs sleep to re-energize and recouperate, without it you open yourself up to both medical and mental problems. Waking up 10 times a night after taking 2 hours to fall asleep is certainly pretty extreme. If, for some reason, you don't want to see a doctor for this at least try something mild like Tylenol PM. It works well without the morning groggyness that you describe. I, myself, struggle with occassional insomnia and know how frustrating it can be. I've actually taken Nyquil or Benadryl to help me fall asleep and sleep thru the night. But I wouldn't suggest ever doing this on a regular basis. There are also some pretty good meditation tapes on the market. Go to Amazon.com and check those out. These can be helpful as well. I hope that I've been some help. Good luck!

Q: Okay so, not the easiest topic to approach, but I figured I'd give it a shot.

I've been having sex with my now-boyfriend (who's 26) for two, going on roughly three months. He's never initiated anything to begin with, and I've always felt so awkward doing it myself. I'm pretty submissive in the bedroom, so this is a new behavior to me.

However, this isn't the core issue. What I feel that is, is a lack of communication/understanding, or just plain out carelessness, in general. Lately our sex life has taken a halt, and when we are intimate it's not much of a session, or any quality/effort coming from his end, to be crass. He has issues with lasting (five minutes is pretty typical - and he asks if I cum quite often, in which I say no, honestly) I've asked him if he feels as if things have changed (I meant emotionally between us, and he took it as me asking if my anatomy changed -- and responds with, "you're not as tight as when we first had sex, no." Uhm, what?

Needless to say, it left me speechless and then dumbfounded by the utter stupidity. I've been with several people before him, one of which I had sex with nearly every day, for two years, and nothing changed. And at 19 years old, I'm doubting much CAN change unless I feel like giving birth sometime soon.

Anyway. He went onto say that I'm still "tight" and we have "good sex" just things aren't the "same" as the first time down there. I'm not sure how to even take these comments, or how to get it through his head that the vagina is a muscle that doesn't alter every time you have sex or place an object in it. Has anyone else ever dealt with this/and how DO you deal with it?

It sounds to me that he recognizes that he has very little staying power and he's just trying to turn it around and put it on you. The vagina does become "looser" feeling after childbirth but that certainly doesn't sound like the case for you. Since it seems as though he has some problems holding back before you have had an orgasm you could try asking him to spend some time performing a bit of foreplay. It's not fair of him to only think of himself during sex and then to have the nerve to say it's somehow your fault makes it even worse. Talk to him honestly and openly. Hopefully he'll be receptive to your needs and things will get better. Hope this helps somewhat!

Q: I really want to talk to someone. But I dont know what to say. I can't just start talking to them (it's complicated) any ideas what I can say.Thanks.

The best and easiest way to start a conversation is to ask someone about themself. Then see if you have any interests and/or experiences in common. People often like talking about themselves and this gives them a chance to do so. You might have to push yourself a bit and step out of your comfort zone, but it'll be worth it. The more you do it the easier it will get. Hope this helps. Good luck!

bio

Merry Meet!
I'm a mom of three grown children. I've been married, divorced and now recently remarried. I've had more than my fair share of life's hard knocks and have been knocked down more times than I can count, but still manage to get back up and go at life again. All this gives me tons of experience to draw upon when giving out my advice. I love people and honestly want to help. Please feel free to ask me questions directly if you like and I promise to answer each one of them.

Brightest Blessings to All!!