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Thank you again for all your time and effort going towards this. You are such an amazing person, inside and out! Everything your doing for me, is amazing. God Bless You!
I know our situation is very unique, thats why I can't just let go. Thats the way I see it too. If something real wasn't there, than both of us would have already moved on atleast 95%. He's still in my life for a reason, and theres something behind it of why. For this situation, along with many others I always prepare myself for the worst but hope for the best. Life dones't always go the way Id like it too. Ya know, he's the one guy I've never minded hurting me. Its like no matter how much he hurts me, I know its accidently and not purposively. When he looks at me, I can tell that he loves me, and he doesn't mean to hurt me. It actually hurts him, to know that he hurts me. I will never consider him as something I wasted my time on, or regret going through pain for. When I look into his eyes, all I see is that he is WORTH it. I can't sit here and regret or say I wasted my time on something I once wanted. Every relationship I get in, teaches me something about myself, or helps me become a better person, girlfrined, or even past for the future. Thats why I have no regrets nor wasted time for any of them, because they each have helped me regardless if they realize it or not.
As of the whole Jenna thing, I was alittle worried too. But I found out recently that his parents were against it as well. She threaten to get the law involved when they broke up, so now I have a whole new better understanding to the whole 18 thing.
Ya know, I've thought about him just stringing me along, but it just doesn't seem as likely to be true because of the fact thats it been 4 years. It would totally be under more investigation if he did it the first couple of months of us being broken up, but its been 4 years, and I just think he'd give up by now, and have someone else to string along, if real feelings wasn't involved. But Im still going to have it in the back of my mind. I actually talk to him a little today, and :
*On Monday, he told me he got laid off from work, and that he lost his job*
So today I texted him, and I told him that if he's stringing me along just to have someone there, like a back up plan, he needs to let me know because I dont deserve to get treated like this, and I need to just move on the best way I can, but if he really does love me than he has to prove it, and not just say it. Than I told him he can't stay messing with my mind or my emotions, and I need to know whats going through his head, cause he's only giving me bits a pieces. Once again he was real short, and he said he wants to be with me, just not right now, and I said, how come not right now? Is it my age? Or do you have another girlfriend? He said BOTH. I told him, wow thomas, really?? I said basically, your wasting her time, and yours, because if you plan on keeping your promise like you swear up and down that your going to, than you shouldnt even have a girlfriend, considering the fact that ima be 18 in less than 3 weeks! He said how, and I said because its 3 weeks, thats wasting her time if you plan on breakin up with her for me when im 18. and he said ok. I told him ive been waiting for him for 4 years, and he cant just wait for me for 3 weeks? I told it that PROVES alot! He said, "Im at work" So I said, "I thought you lost your job thomas? Or was that a lie to like everything else?" and he never texted back. Monday, when he came over, he just broke up with a girl two days before Monday, and yet, he has a girlfriend again?? It just doesnt make no freakin sense to me!
**IMPORTANT INFORMATION**
When me and thomas was dating on 06', his mom made us break up because we had too much drama, with out maturity levels. Well, Thomas claimed up and down that he could never ever date me again, or he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore because I cussed his mom out when we first broke up. He called and asked her while he was over here Monday, and she said that I didnt cuss her out, I just yelled at her. Which is because she took him away for me. I wasn't yelling at her out of anger, it was just because she was taking the only tihng I loved more than myself away from me, and I was begging for her not to do that. After I explain it to Thomas, he understood. But Im afraid that if me and him get back together, his mom won't approve, or she wont like me as much as she did when we was together. He says that shes over it, because she's been asking about me alot, but I dont know? I have changed alot since then, but Im afraid Thomas doesn't believe me. I am almost 18, I have matured alot since I was 14. :/
And ya know, your right. He could be more fair about the situation. Its like when he doesn't talk to me, he pushes me away, but he doesn't care. As of me not textin him anymore and letting him text me, thats impossible. Because I went a WHOLE YEAR without talking to him or texting him, and he didn't bother takling to me. I had to text him first. I know that if I never texted him again, I would never ever hear from him anymore. PERIOD. Thats why I can't do it, because I know exactly what would happenn. I know everything is up to him, but im afraid. He doesn't really know what to do with it. What if it becomes oveerwhelming to him, and he just drops it out of his hands? Than Ima feel like I didn't do anything to help him realize it. I love helping people as much as I love Thomas, and I want him to see what he has, because right now it just seems like he is dazed and confusedd!.
Wow, what a situation! I'm going to have to think about this some; but I wanted to write and let you know that I'm not ignoring you. *smile*
I don't know if you have a facebook profile, but I've set up a page you might want to check out - its pretty new, and I've only actually shared it with some close friends of mine - so there's not a lot out there yet - but you can read more about me, and there are a few posts you might find interesting. Maybe you can watch it grow and maybe even help give me some ideas on what kind of things to post.. *smile* It's at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Simple-Solutions-for-Life/155936521101427
In any case - let me think about this for a bit; it's pretty complicated, isn't it? *smile* I'm really glad to hear that you have the right attitude about it all, though - about knowing that loving someone is never wasted.
Will write more soon, take care and hang in there!
You are the greatest! Your advice is absolutely amazing. Really!! Im from Tennessee, by the way.
Lets start with my first time and him crying; Im not too sure of why he would cry, but I remember him saying it was amazing, and he said it wasn't just sex, that he finally made love to someone. At the time of me being 15, I didn't really know what that meant, until after we broke up. I wouldn't even neccessarly call it sex because it hurt to bad, and I wouldn't let him stick it in all the way.
Yeah, I know something is there. He has the certain look he gives me, and even when he's mad and looks at me, I can see the love in his eyes. He looks at me like im everything, and when he's mad at me, he just shakes his head and smiles. Then he has this smell too him. Like, I remember when we broke up, I thought it was his laundry detergent of why he smelled that way, but my mom tried every kind, and nothing smelled like him. I loved the way he smelled. The sound of his heart beat just put me to ease. I remember when we was together, he asked me "Kaci, do you know how much I love you?" and I said, "How much?" and he goes "Put your index finger and your thumb together, and thats how much." and of course I got a little upset, because when you do that, theres no space between them, so I figured it wasn't at all, and he goes, "I love you that much, because nothing or no one will come between us." I remember it like it was yesterday. He told me that Monday too. And it made me smile like crazy.
As of the whole age thing, you know at first I understood completely, but his last ex was 17 too. And they was together for 3 months. If he can date her, how come he can't date me? He said after Jenna (the other 17 yr old) he promised himself that he would never date an underage girl again. He knows I wouldn't call the cops on him, and he knows my parents wouldn't either. He couldn't get in trouble for dating me UNLESS my parents had a problem with it. Thats how it is in TN. My parents love him very much, but its like he uses it as an excuse to not date me. Than again he says his mom has a problem with the age thing, so its best to wait till im 18, so no one can complain about it. I understand.
Im just afraid that when Im 18, things won't change between us. Im afraid he's not going to talk to me for months at a time, or I won't be able to see him as much. Im afraid he's going to come up with another excuse since my age won't be a factor anymore. Theres not a way to prove if he will do this or not, until im 18. But Im just knowing that the longer I keep my hopes up, the sooner they are going to be brought down.
As of him sleeping around, I told him I'm not having sex with him for awhile. I want to make sure that he won't cheat, and that sex isn't the only thing on his mind. I want a relationship where love is the priority and not sex. Ya know? He said that he respects my decision, and he understands. He said he's going to be with me for the sex, and I blieve him. And its not problem that its long. The longer the better. You are absolutely a great person! Your advice and you taking time out of your day to help me is greatly appreciated!! (:
Btw. Today is Thursday, and I texted him to see if he was okay, and no text. I haven't spoke to him since Monday. A simple "Yeah" would make me feel so much better, but I know he's ignoring me. I just don't get it.
Thank you for your kind words; if I can be there and help just one person in this world, then every moment I spend trying is worth it. Your thanks are the most precious reward I could ask for. *hugs*
Your situation is so unique, I find it sweet and unusual and fascinating; this has been going on for such a long time during the time in your life and his life where the only sure thing is change - the two of you have changed more in the last 5 years than you will in the next 20 years - and yet you've stuck together, at least somewhat together. It just has to mean something, the way I see it.
However, the best way to approach anything in life is to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. If you give your heart and your love and your trust to someone, you're always risking being hurt - that's what makes it so special and intimate. Nothing can ever take that risk away. I'm married to THE man of my dreams - and I know absolutely that he won't break my heart. Still, he's ten years older than me (I'm 37, he's 47) - I will probably outlive him. So I'm going to end up with a broken heart anyway. I know that. But it will be worth it. And love like you feel for him is worth even the pain you would go through if you lose him. It won't feel like it at the time - because pain is amplified at your age the same way love is - but when you're older, looking back, you'll know that it was worth it.
So what you have to do is keep in mind that if things end up going downhill after you turn 18 - don't ever think you "wasted" the time you spent loving him, or regret loving him - because loving someone is the most precious thing in life, and is never worthless or a waste.
This thing with Jenna - I have to say - worries me some. I'm trying to imagine what could be the reason - why he would think it's ok to date *her*, but not you. The *only* ideas I have are:
1) He made some kind of agreement with his parents back when you were dating the first time, that he would wait for you to turn 18 - and that if he still wanted to date you then, they wouldn't object; or
2) He has some kind of personal reason, hopefully a romantic one, for not wanting to date you yet - because you are too important to him and he doesn't want to hurt you, or something; he wants to make sure he's got all of his "running around" done before he makes a commmitment to you - but he knows he wants the commitment to be with you; perhaps he's just afraid; or
3) The worst possibility. And I am SO sorry to have to bring this up, because I imagine it's your worst fear... but I have to, or I wouldn't be helping at all. I've seen guys do this and I've had guys do this to ME, and it *hurts* so bad; it's possible that he's just stringing you along so that he will always have you there in case he wants female companionship and no one else is around.
I can't tell you how much I don't like to say this; I know it's *not* what you want to hear. But I know that if I'm going to really help, I've got to be honest. And you will have to be very very honest with yourself about this; if he *is* doing this - just keeping you around so you'll be there in case he has nothing better to do - you're going to have to cut him off. He will hurt you so so bad; and it will hurt so much worse later on than it will now to just end it. So please, if it begins to look like this is what's happening - tell him what you think, see what he says, be honest with yourself, and do NOT let him do that to you. *hugs* You deserve better.
Okay. That's said and out in the open now - and I'm so so sorry I had to say it. I don't think that's what's going on, but I *might* be wrong. There are guys out there - LOTS of them - that will do that to a girl, but not many will do it over a 3-4 year timeframe. That's the biggest thing that makes me think he's genuine - a guy at that age just won't stick around that long, waiting for a girl, if she's not sleeping with him. I know you had sex when you were dating, but have you had sex with him since? If so, then I'd worry... if not, I really have to say that I believe he's genuine. Time is the most telling test for true feelings.
Now the age issue *is* sounding like an excuse; but it may not be the excuse you think it is. #2 above is what I'm thinking is going on here, and if that's the case, when you turn 18 it won't change anything - because the change has to be within *him*. If his mom had a problem with the age difference with you - didn't she have the same problem with the age difference with Jenna?
Also, his ignoring your messages. I'm thinking he may be really scared by his feelings, and scared by the strength of your feelings, too.
Guys don't analyze their feelings like we do. They just feel, and react. Women - we think about our feelings, talk about them, try to figure them out - but guys, they just react. Usually they can't even explain what they're feeling. If what they feel is really strong, they don't know how to react, and so they try to avoid feeling that way. Even if its a good feeling - if it's too strong they get scared and they run away from it. The truth is they're scared because they may get hurt - but they don't realize that.
We can see that we love someone, which means we can get hurt, which is scary - but we *know* and *see* what we're afraid of and don't usually feel the need to avoid it. Guys have the same set of feelings, but they don't see what they are. They feel the love and react with fear, then run away. They don't see it all laid out like we do. They just avoid the whole situation because it's confusing and scary. And that adds another bit of confusion to the whole situation. He knows he's avoiding you and he doesn't know why. So that confuses him even more; to the point that when he's not with you he's worried that it isn't love.
At the same time guys know how we feel - because we tell them, and because they seem to be able to logically see our feelings while being completely blind to their own. So he can see you are completely in love with him, so much that when he showed up and you were dating someone else, you dropped the other guy flat.
That tells him you are counting on him to LOVE you, and that YOU are going to be hurt if he DOESN'T love you.
Then his subsconscious kicks in. If he avoids you, not only is that responsibility removed, but that powerful feeling that he thinks is love but is really scary is *also* removed. And so BAMM - he avoids you. And doesn't know why.
Now this could mean absolute tragedy if he doesn't grow up and really look at his feelings - and you might have to gently push him in that direction. I don't know the subletlies of your relationship, so don't know how you can do that, but you may have to. Because if he keeps doing it, you're going to come to the conclusion that he *is* just keeping you around as a "back-up plan", and then you're going to have to cut it off, and then a really good possibility would be lost for him, and for you.
But really - we can go round and round, and we can try to understand and we can really be very understanding, and I think we're being WAY more than fair here; he could at *least* answer your messages. The bottom line is that it's all in his hands now. All you can do, if he lets you, is try to help him figure out what it is that he feels and then try to get him to deal with it.
In the end, *he* is the only one who can actually do it; and you can't even do anything to help, unless you lets you. Then there's the chance he's just a jerk; in which case, you'll just have to accept the good times you've had so far and move on. Right now, it's all up to him.
I want to talk for just a moment about how you described how you feel; you mentioned his smell, how feeling his heartbeat made you feel at ease. You should know; this is something that happens lots when you care for someone; it's not unusual - at least, it's something *I* have felt.
I remember my first love. I was 14 when I started dating him and 17 when we broke up; he was 3 years older. He was a total jerk, but I did love him. One day we were just sitting together watching TV and I was trying to explain to him how much I loved him - I remember this like it was yesterday... We were cuddled together, kind of lying against each other, and I told him: "I can feel every part of your body that's touching mine, and it's like this energy is moving from you to me - your hand is on my side, and your back shoulder is against the front of my shoulder, my hand is touching your knee, your thigh is against mine, and my lips are touching your ear right now. Every point where you and I are touching feels like there's some kind of power moving from you to me." It was intoxicating; amazing. A very strong, sensual and intimate feeling.
I know you know what I mean. Love as a teenager is more intense than it ever will be again. Don't ever regret feeling it - no matter what happens in the next few years. The smell is really simple; everyone has a smell unique to them that no one else in the world has, and if you're intimate and close to someone often, you'll learn that smell. I can remember I knew that special smell for each of the four men I've loved, and even a few of my boyfriends that I neever actually loved. Just to share a little about me - two of those men I will love beyond life; the other two betrayed me and used me, and I have lost all the love I had for them - still I don't regret loving them. I'm here because I want to help others- but for you, I just think it may make you feel better to know that at least one person out in the world "gets" it. I understand what you feel. I've been there, and boy, is it powerful. *smile* So no matter what, you aren't alone; that magical feeling, that amazing feeling, and that wonderful warmness of knowing a man's smell and loving it - it's normal, it's all part of loving. *smile*
I'm honored to have been able to help. I hope I still can.
At this point, if I were you, I would start bracing myself for the worst - but I wouldn't give up. First I'd give him a chance to make good on his word. I'd be understanding and give him the benefit of the doubt, at least for now - and I'd try to help him look at his feelings and figure out why he's so changeable. A lot is going to come out after your birthday, when all his promises come due. All you can really do right now is wait and see; if nothing changes, then you'll have plenty of time to deal with that when it happens.
Its a waste of energy to worry about something that you can't do anything about - so try not to. As far as the text's, I'd just stop texting him and wait for him to make the next move. You've given him more than enough chances to answer you and let you know what's going on. I know it's soooo scary, and it's hard, but try to just live your life as if you're not busy waiting on him - he will come around when he's ready.
Finally - try to look at it like this: if what you've had up to now with him is all you will ever have from him, you have *still* experienced something rare and wonderful that many women are not lucky enough to experience. I know that's not much comfort, but it *will* be. I think there's a lot more in store for the two of you, though - unfortunately, I think there will be pain for you - because he seems to REALLY be out of touch with his feelings; and waiting on him to figure things out is going to be very hard on you.
Take care, and keep in touch. *hugs*
Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate it dearly. You gave the best advice, so I was wanting to get deeper into it, and see what you still think.
When me and him was dating, he had only had sex with 2 girls, and than he took my virginity. After we had sex, he cried. I was confused of why, and I still to this day am. He said it was the most amazing feeling he has ever felt between him and a female in that way. BUT. He has stuck around for 3 years, and so have I. We have both dated people after our break up; the only bad thing is, is he became a type of guy to sleep around alot. He'd go to clubs and have sex withs girls that he DIDNT even know their names. He had sex with every girlfriend after me, but he's been checked for STD's, and he's clean. I'm not really bothered by it, because Id rather him go out and do it now, than him be with me, leave me, to see what else is out there. During these past 3 years, he has this thing where he will randomly text me, or call me for a couple of days, and than he will go months without speaking to me (which i figured it was because he had a new girlfriend, or such) and then he'd come back into my life like nothing happened. He'd stop by, and than weeks later, I'd hear nothing from him for more months, its a repeated pattern. When I would text him, he'd be short with me, and wouldn't keep conversation, but when he's around me phsyically, I can't get the boy to shut up, haha.
Anyways. In August, I was dating this guy named Michael for three months, and Thomas(my ex) randomly stopped by,(he knew I had a boyfriend at the moment) thats when I sat in his truck, and we was remensing over our past, and he finally admitted to me that he was still in love with me, and he missed me, and loved how comfortable he was around me. He reminded me of the promises, and after he left. I began to have mixed emotions for Michael. I broke it off with him because I wasn't in love with him, and I haven't had love for any guy more than a friend anyways. Thats when I realized my heart fully belonged to Thomas. When I told him that I broke things off with Michael, and why;
he simply said that "Kaci Im 20 years old, and I don't even know what love is."
I said, "So everything you told me in your truck was a lie? You aren't in love with me?"
he goes "It wasn't a lie. When I can look at a girl and my heart can skip beats everytime I look at her like its the first time i've ever seen her than I know its love. And thats only happened once."
I said "well if you don't know what love is, than obviously you can't love me"
and that was the last I heard from him until
yesterday, Thomas stopped by again. First time I've seen him since August. I wasn't expecting him to come. I went outside and I saw his truck, my heart literally fell to my stomach. I got weak in the knees, and he called me and said he was on my front porch. I went around, and we sat down beside each other and we talked. He said he loves the feeling he gets with me when he's around me. He finally feels complete.
I said, "I don't see why you do this to me. You come in and out my life likes it nothing, and you just make it os much harder for me."
he said, "Kaci its not like Im trying to do that. Its your age. If I get caught I could go to jail. The more I talk to you, the harder it is to just know your not my girlfriend yet."
I said, "But you don't love me remember? You don;t know what love is remember?"
He said, "My god Kaci, I do fucking love you. When I said the whole thing about me looking at a girl and my heart skips beats everytime and it only happened once, I was talking about you."
I got quiet. He said that I only have a couple of more weeks left, and from there we will see what happens. We kissed, we hugged, we played around, like old times. We've always had a good time with each other. He acted like he was guna kiss me, than he'd lick my facee like he use to do. I felt so strong when I was with him; I have no worries, and everything inside just feels content and so comfortable. He told me he misses me, and that there is a 97% chance we will get back together, the 3% chance is if one of us dies because no day is promised. HE ALSO SAID THAT WHEN HE'S WITH ME HE'S SO HAPPY, BUT WHEN HE LEAVES MY HOUSE HE BEGINGS TO HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ON WHETHER WE SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER OR NOT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT IT TO BE LIKE BEFORE. I explain to him that its been years, and I have became more mature, and I have a better understanding of a lot of tihngs, and he has changed too. I told him if he still loves me to not ignore it. I told him we may not have been ready for the first chance, so we need to atleast try it one more time!! I told him that I know after he leaves my house, I won't speak to him for god knows how long, and I was only setting my self up for heartbreak all over again, and
he said, "kaci, i just dont want to get in trouble, you have less that 30 something days, if you can just wait it out than youll see that Im worthy of my promises."
He told me he would text me tomorrow, which is today; I texted him last night and this is our conversation.
Me-"Can I tell you something real quick?"
Thomas-"Yea"
Me-"It felt perfect to be in your arms again. I feel complete."
Thomas-"I know"
Me-"So you feel the samee? Or are you having mixed thoughts again?"
Thomas-"Idk kc"
Me-"I knew I was getting myself set up for heartbreak again."
Thomas- "No"
Me-"Well, you shouldnt have mixed emotions with me Thomas. I'd go through hell and back for you. I know you love me by the way you look at me, the way you touch me, and the way you say my name. And you know I love you just as much"
I haven't heard from him since. I texted him tonight, but NO reply. :/
Heres the answers to your questions:
1. Are you true friends with him? Do you have things in common, and just simply enjoy each other's company?
-Me and Thomas was friends before we ever dated. We was only friends for a couple of weeks because he was dating my cousin for like 4 days and they broke up. We have a lot in common. We enjoy the same activities, we both have great communication with each other, well in person anyways. He enjoys my company, and I really enjoy his. He says he likes that Im younger, because I will never let him feel old. I bring out his kid spirit.
2. Do you get along? Think about the things about life you don't agree on - can you accept his beliefs and thoughts, even if they don't always match your own?
- We get along for the most part. We don't get along 24/7 but who does? He has really bad anger issues, but Im really patient. We even each other out pretty well. I feel for him for his flaws more than his good qualities. Im just not too sure on how he'd answer this.
3. Think about the things about him that you *don't* like. There's always something, that's what makes us human - can you *live* with the things you *don't* like about him?
-Oh yes. I know we have the potential to work out anything; if he is willing.
4. In the last several years, has he come around to hang out because he just wants to be around you? Or does he only come around if he isn't busy with other things (like going out with friends, or maybe even on dates, etc.)?
-You answer that.
5. Do *you* really and truly believe that you could be happy with him for always, and never wonder "what if", never feel the need to spread your wings and just play the field? (regardless of this answer, you should try it anyway - in the adult world; at least give your self time to see who is out there - more on this below...)
-Oh yes. I do really blieve I could be with this man forever. I see my future in his eyes, and I've dated around, but it just doesn't feel right.
As of marriage. Im in NO rush to get married. I told him I dont need a piece of paper to prove my love for him, and he agrees. If we are meant to be, than the marriage thing will happen on its on time, but he understand that I want to go to College and get my degree before I have kids. Being engaged would be okay while im in college, but I told him that I want to make sure I could handle college, a job, and a boyfriend all at once before he puts a ring on my finger.
Sorry its so long!
No worries at it being long! *smile* That's what I'm answering for, is to help if I can. *smile*
I believe he has feelings for you, but I also think he's confused and afraid of those feelings. I think when you had sex and he cried, it was because he was your first, and he felt very special, very lucky, very much in awe, that you would give the gift of your virginity to *him* - at the same time, I think he maybe felt like a jerk, like he had taken advantage of you. And, to top it all off, something special seems to have happened - now, it may be that it was so very special *only* because it was your first time. That's pretty intoxicating. So maybe he's not sure why it was special - was it because of you, or was it because it was your first time? Maybe he's *afraid* that it's only because it was your first time, and if that's the case, he could end up hurting you.
The point is, whatever it was - he probably doesn't even know why it was so special that he cried. And maybe he's afraid it won't be the same next time. Yes, I *do* believe he cares deeply for you, but I also think he's confused and afraid - he's afraid of his feelings, and he's afraid that he's wrong, and that makes him afraid he will hurt you.
And yet, with all of that - he's still around. Three years later, and though it's been off-again, on-again - he's still around. So yes - there is definately *something* there.
A little off the subject - but I can't help but wonder which state you're in that 17 is not legal - I've lived in 5 states, and 17 is legal in all of them... but that's beside the point. If 18 is the legal age in your state, then his fear of going to jail is *very* valid. He would be labeled a "sex offender" for the rest of his life. He would never be able to teach school, work around kids at all, coach a little league team - he'd probably have trouble getting a job at all. It would follow him around forever, and you wouldn't be able to say a word. The court can even order him not to see you again - ever! Staying apart until you're legal is *extremely* important, so don't think that it's an excuse he uses; it's serious business, and a whole lot of trouble if he gets arrested.
Now here he is, wanting to be with you, but all of these things are against it - his parents says its wrong, the law says its wrong, his friends may even give him a hard time about it - but still he wants to be with you. It could be that he feels like he *shouldn't* want you or he's not *supposed* to want you. But he does - and that probably confuses him even more.
I know all of that is pretty confusing. Read through it a few times if you need to; it makes sense. The point is, he's in a tough spot, and he is probably very, very confused.
So I think that when he says he loves you, then later says he doesn't know what love is - he's not lying, and he's not playing games, he's just saying it like it is - he knows he feels something really strong and intense about you (three years *proves* that is true) - and he thinks that it's love, but you two haven't had the chance to explore a relationship, and there are so many other things to worry about - so he's not *positive* it's love. It's hard to know what love is sometimes; I know I *thought* I was in love several times before I actually fell in love the first time. Each and every time, it felt like the real thing. It's hard to tell.
I think the best thing to do is just ride it out until you're legal - then see what happens. When he doesn't answer your texts, or when he seems to be changable (one minute saying I love you, next minute saying I'm not sure) - remember that he's confused, too, and he's afraid, too. He seems sincere, if a little scary -
Be very very careful about sex - he's been with several girls, as you said, and let me tell you, not all diseases show up right away. You have to be tested, stay safe, then be tested again six months later - that will catch just about everything, but there are *always* exceptions.
I think you've got the right ideas and the right plans, and I think if you just let it ride until your legal, you two *will* start to date again. At that point, things will start to clear up. He will be able to relax around you - right now, he's got "Registered Sex Offender" staring him in the face every time he's with you. That's a lot to be afraid of.
Don't read into text messages much - and consider that he might be trying to stay away from you because he simply can't resist you, and he's terrified of being arrested. Give him time - time enough for you to get past your birthday, anyway - and I think that there might just be a very promising relationship ahead of you!
Oh, one other thing - about when you were with the other boy, Micheal, and he showed up. I'll just bet that he can't stand to think of you with another guy. At the same time, he's gone through all of these girls to try to get away from his feelings for you (because they are illegal, that's all) - and he doesn't feel like he has the right to be jealous. And, he doesn't want you to be lonely - but he doesn't want you with other guys. I know, it's an impossible situation, but feelings aren't logical. All of these contradictions are probably why his text messages are so confusing, and why he disappears for months on end, and he even says things in person that don't make much sense. He has mixed feelings - he want you but he's not allowed to have you; he wants you to be happy but he doesn't want any other guy to have you; *he* doesn't want to be lonely but he doesn't want those other girls, either. All of it's a big mess in his mind, and he's trying to sort it all out.
So now *I'm* sorry this has been so long. *smile* And I could be completely mis-reading the situation. But for him to stick around for three years waiting, three of the most changeable and exciting years in a person's life (meaning - teenage years)- that's significant. It means something. I believe you two have a pretty good chance.
Good luck to you again, and thank you for writing me! I'd love to hear back on how things work out!
Take care!
*hugs*
Okay, im 17/f and my ex is 20/m. I dated him in 06' when I was 14 and he was 17. Two months of us dating I turned 15, so it was only a two year difference. We dated for 8 months. We broke up because his mom said we had two different maturity levels, and we needed to either break up, or get back together later on. I thought I was in love with him, and he said he was in love with me but everyone said I was too young to know what love is. When we broke up, he pinky promised me that on my graduation day in 2011, that he would propose to me. I believed him.
Every since then, I haven't had a real boyfriend since, its like my heart just doesn't feel like giving anyone an opportunity because I guess it finally found its home with him. During these last 3 years, I have seen my ex here and there. My parents got real attached to him, so he comes over to visit occasionally. I really believe my love for him is real. Everytime I see him, my heart drops, stops, and skips beats, and I get a little nervous inside. I only feel 100% normal and secure when he's hugging me, Im hearing his heartbeat, or he's just holding me. A few months ago, he came over and we sat in his truck, and he was bringing back old memories that I thought he would forget. It made me happy to know that he remembers EVERYTHING. He even remembers the promise he made me, and he also said that he's still in love with me, and after we broke up, he hasnt be able to be with anyone longer than 3 months. He cried to me, for the second time in our whole relatioship, just because he really missed me, and he missed the feeling of being able to be himself 100% and someone love him for it. He promised me that when Im legal (18) he will ask me back out, (therefore his mom can't trip about our age difference) and we can finally be happy again. I turn 18 on November 20th. He still remembers the proposal promise he made me 3 years ago, and he says he still plans to keep it.
He says Im the only girl he's ever been able to look at and his heart stops likes its the first time he's ever seen me.
Im just not too sure if his feelins are real, or if im to young to know what it is, but i do know the way I feel about him, isn't anything you feel for just a friend.
Wow, your story is soooo touching and sweet. I have to say that if he has stuck around for three years waiting, patiently, for the right time - and he's still around and saying the things you describe - it sounds genuine to me!
The questions you must ask yourself are:
1. Are you true friends with him? Do you have things in common, and just simply enjoy each other's company?
2. Do you get along? Think about the things about life you don't agree on - can you accept his beliefs and thoughts, even if they don't always match your own?
3. Think about the things about him that you *don't* like. There's always something, that's what makes us human - can you *live* with the things you *don't* like about him?
4. In the last several years, has he come around to hang out because he just wants to be around you? Or does he only come around if he isn't busy with other things (like going out with friends, or maybe even on dates, etc.)?
5. Do *you* really and truly believe that you could be happy with him for always, and never wonder "what if", never feel the need to spread your wings and just play the field? (regardless of this answer, you should try it anyway - in the adult world; at least give your self time to see who is out there - more on this below...)
The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. If you can honestly answer Yes to all of these questions, it sounds like his feelings are real, and so are yours. I *know* it's possible for teenage love to be real and strong and lasting. It usually doesn't happen - I have to admit that - but it can. One of the happiest couples I've ever seen has been together basically since Kindergarten... They played together in grade school, dated in High School, went to college, then married and had kids. Now their kids are in college - and they are still happy together.
I would advise you go to college first, before marrying - only because in college it's like getting a true taste of real life. It's a really really big world out there and at 17-18 you honestly haven't *lived* in it yet. When you struggle with finances, spend some time all on your own, have the opportunities to meet a lot of new people who share your interests and like the same things you do - then you have a better idea about whether or not he is truly the right person for you, in a forever kind of way.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is Yes, it sounds like his feelings are real. And I wouldn't see anything wrong with dating, maybe even seriously, or even becoming engaged, after you graduate. But before you actually marry, I would definately get your feet wet in real life first. Find out if, after you've hit the world and learned what it is to be an adult, independant and around other adults, your feelings are still the same.
Again, the most important thing is to be honest with yourself, and though you've been waiting a very long time already, I know, there is *still* no rush to marry and start a family. Give the relationship a few years to mature and grow, see what it grows into. Give the world a few years to show you what adulthood is like, and see how you feel then.
The thing a lot of people don't realize about marraige and relationships is that you can never go into them expecting your partner to change - you have to accept them exactly the way they are, or you'll end up unhappy -
At the same time, no matter what you do, both you *and* your partner will *certainly* change as time goes by. So to build a strong relationship you must be sure that your basic personality, the very core of who you are, that person that you were the day you were born and will be until the day you die - that deep inside person that is YOU, is compatible with the deep inside person that is HIM. Only then will you know that even the normal changes that take place throughout life will not change the feelings you have for each other.
Good luck, and I hope everything goes well for you!
i feel like my life is crumbling down. I'm thirteen,
my sister hates me and thinks i lie all the time, my boyfriend just wants me for sex, my best friend talks about me behind my back, my mom doesn't listen when i tell her i hate my life, my parents are divorced, my grades suck and nobody listens when i tell them i cant do it,everyone thinks I'm crazy, my parents both like my sister better, I'm the ugly one of the family who is good for nothing, sometimes my life hurts so bad it hurts, and Ive lost all hope that it can get better. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this. dying seems like the only way out, but i don't know if death hurts. all TV says its a relief and that its carries you away but what do they know? Why cant something in this world be hopeful? I hate it all. someone please help.
Let me help you, please don't give up. Life is only just beginning for you and so many things can happen that you would never dream of. I will tell you what happened to me. I was a happy child, and though I did have rough times when I was your age, only once was I so low that I thought of suicide. I was with a boy who just couldn't keep it in his pants, and he cheated on me with everything in a skirt. I loved him dearly and knew that underneath all of the bravado and the mask he wore for everyone, he was a very special guy. I was going to marry him.
Finally, at 17, I was able to break away. It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.
When I was 19 I married the wrong man. He wanted me to sleep with other guys. Again, I loved him dearly and I wanted so badly to please him. He made me feel like I was a prissy, ignorant child - he made me feel as if it was the expected thing that all normal people did, swapping wives - that kind of thing. I did it, and I ended up in an affair with the other guy that lasted twelve years. It ended with a devestation that was almost unbearable. I lost my husband, because he had fallen into an online porn habit that made him believe it was normal to want unnatural things - he made passes at our daughter. I found out about it at the same time the affair I was in broke up. I lost my husband, my lover, found out my daughter had almost been molested - all within a few week's time. I was beyond devestated.
It was the hardest, darkest and most horrible time in my life. It made breaking up with my first boyfriend look like a trip to Disneyland.
Then several things happened all at once. I met a man - who I am still with now - and he not only is the man who I've always dreamed of, but he brought me to God. For a while I was deliriously happy; now it's settled and I'm overall pretty happy - but everyone has bad day. *smile*
I was in the darkest place I had ever imagined - but it really did get better, and looking back, all of the bad *had* to happen - so that I could see and appreciate the good I have now. If life is all good, you won't ever be able to understand what "good" really is. Experiencing the bad is necessary, or you can never experience the good.
Things will get better for you, too. You are at a stage in your life where your emotions are stretching their wings - think of it like this: as a child you didn't have very strong emotions, they were not grown yet. Now, your body is changing and your emotions are changing, too. They're testing themselves. They're pushing as far as they can and pulling you along for the ride, and it HURTS. It's the most intense your emotions will be for the rest of your life! They *will* settle, they will calm. It's the hardest time in your life, right now, but you will get past it, you will get through it, and beyond that is a whole world where the opportunities are endless.
Don't depend on your parents or your sister to make them go away - they have forgotton and they don't understand, they love you- just from what you say I know they do, but they just don't know how to react to the way your emotions are battering you right now. They have forgotton.
Your parents are divorced - try to think about you and your boyfriend, and imagine how badly it would hurt if you broke up. That's how badly they are hurting, and they don't know how to handle it. Remember that it's not your fault - none of what is happening is your fault. They are having devastating emotions of their own, and those emotions are overwhelming to them, and they try to help you but they really don't remember how strong and intense emotions are at your age, and they are probably trying to think of a way to help you and just don't know how. To you it seems like they don't care, but they are just confused and in pain themselves.
Your sister is probably going through a lot of the same things - she just handles it differently. She might be holding it all in instead of letting herself really *feel* it. If so, it's going to explode on her one day. At least you are *feeling* it - you are trying to *deal* with it. It's not easy, no, not by any means at all, but you *can* do it! If you couldn't your mind would automatically suppress it. The mind works like that.
Your boyfriend and your best friend need to go - they are not good enough for you. Make sure, though, that you're not becoming too afraid, and seeing what you fear instead of what is really there.
There is hope, my friend, there is a future. What you are going through is actually normal - and it feels like everything is falling on top of you and you're going to be crushed - I know it does! - but you are strong and you can endure it. That's all that you must do, is endure it.
Take a sheet of paper and write down some goals. Then take one of those goals and write down the steps you need to take to get there. Then focus on each step, one at a time, and you will begin to feel better.
Look around at nature - nature is the most powerful force on earth. Nature is *why* these emotions are tearing you apart. Watch a sunrise, alone, and think about how powerful nature is, and try to understand that the very power that creates such beauty is the very *same* power that is pulling you around with these unbearable emotions.
Try to work your way back to basics. Try to quietly make your way through each day - one at a time. Do what you're supposed to do; listen to the teachers, work on your homework, find time to be alone and just think about what your goals are and how you will achieve them. If there are people who make you feel bad - avoid them. If there are things that make you feel good - truly, deeply good - good about yourself, as well as superficially good - do those things often.
Volunteer to help a child. Buy some toys and take them to a church - all churches have need of donations, in any form - tell the church you want the toy to go to a child who is alone. You will feel better knowing that YOU did something that is going to make a child smile.
If things upset you when you think about them, try not to think about them. Push them out of your head and try to distract yourself. It is SO hard, but it REALLY works.
Please, remember that no matter what, there is one person, right here - ME - and I CARE about what happens to you. I feel like your family cares, too, and God knows I might be wrong, but I think they do. No matter what, I do care, and I want to help; I haven't much to offer, but I can offer my best wishes and my reassurances that things *will* get better.
You might also try talking to your counselor at school. They get paid to help the students - not just with schedule issues and so for, but with personal issues! If the counselor blows you off, complain to the principal. If the principal blows you off, go to the administration. Someone along the way will see that you are troubled and will find a way to help.
You have so many, many years ahead of you. The whole world is open to you, and you would be missing out on so, so much if you gave up now. I know, I promise, it gets better - it gets easier; you only have to remember that your emotions are going haywire - they're testing the boundaries, seeing how hard they can push. It's normal - although it is much more difficult for some girls than it is for others. They're just developing SO SO fast that they are out of control. They will settle, and you will see things differently very very soon, maybe even tomorrow, and it would be terrible if you didn't wait to see.
So try to grit your teeth, try to put yourself in places that are calm and beautiful and peaceful, try to see the beauty of nature - and remember that the beauty is created by the same force causing the violence of your emotions: Nature.
I am sorry this has been so very long, but I can't say enough that I DO care. I've needed help sometimes and the world has beaten me down so many times that all I want to do now is BE THERE for other people who are in that dark, unhappy place that you describe and where I was, when I needed help from someone - anyone - who actually might care, and there was no one there. I want to do my part to make sure at least ONE person in this world does not have to suffer being in that dark and hopeless place alone. I am with you, and I care.
I hope I will hear from you soon. Visit my page and get my email, and write to me if you want. I'll do anything I can to help - even if it's just listening. You are NOT alone. *HUGS*
Sorry if its long
So on Friday i was walking through our band room at school i saw the boy i liked and my ex talking thinking they were talking out there problems cause they always hated each other.So i waited a few mins b4 going in only to hear them say "jeez speak of the devil" So i was like "huh?"and they both answer "we were talking about u" "the whole time?" "yeah and guess what we are friends now!"And now today my crush was just about to ask me out he said "Elora do you wanna go?" then my ex rushes in "hey wat we talking bout?"But i still like some other boys and this guy "my crush" is sorta a player unlike the other 2 boys who are quiet and gentle
THNX IN ADVANCE
TINK2359
There's no telling with boys. But - if the guy you like is a player, while the other guys you are interested in are quiet and gentle, I would go for the quiet and gentle ones. It sounds like getting involved with the guy who just made friends with your ex may be asking for a whole lot of drama and maybe they're cooking up some kind of scheme to get you back with your ex, or to get you back for something he's mad at you for, or maybe your ex is just trying to be around you by making friends with the boy you are thinking about going out with.
I would certainly stick with the quiet and gentle ones, and let the players play their games without you being part of them!
Good luck, and remember not to take dating too seriously - just have fun and be safe!
17/f
What are the use of lottery tickets anyway? Do you just depend on luck and just guess numbers? Gosh, I hate it. I hate seeing my dad trying to win money. I hate seeing him stay up at night trying to fill out lottery tickets. It's just too sad for me to see. I just want to cry whenever I see that. I know that we're not a very rich family. My family is sick. And I don't mean sick by "cool". But sick as my family members are not healthy. My dad and my sister with their skin. My mom and her internal problems, knowing that she might have cancer and that me and my sister might have inherited it too. Hopefully not. It sucks. I hate sitting here having to watch all of this happen. I'm not blaming myself for these things. These things just happen. But out of all people why choose us? Not that another family would be better, but nobody wants to see their own family members go through struggles. I just wish I can do something about it to help them. I work a lot. But they cut my hours down since the sales aren't doing very well. I'm trying hard on school, I'm spending more time with school work. Giving my parents 100 - 200 dollars on Christmas and New years isn't going to help is it? What can I even do to make myself feel better and not think about it? I can't. I try being more respectful and nicer.
I say goodnight, good morning, I try not to give them a hard time. I try helping out. The simple things that won't get them angry. I just don't want them to disappear one day, depressed and stressed out. I want them to leave peacefully knowing that everything is fine. They are the greatest parents in the world. Without any struggles. I hope they will see me grow up and get married, so I can put both into retirement.
At the same time, I'm trying not to stress out too much because stress is usually the main source that leads to illness. I know that I'm going to continue to pray that everything will be okay, and that these are just obstacles. I hope that God received those prayers and is actually listening.
You are an amazing girl, I am in awe of your sensitivity. It sounds very much like your family has been through a lot, and there's a lot of depression. It sounds also like maybe you might just be "the strong one" in your family, and the others tend to lean on you. It's wonderful you have God, everyone needs God or some sort of religion to comfort and guide them; and God IS listening, never doubt that - He just doesn't always answer us the way we expect Him to.
The lottery tickets - they're just a ray of hope, a rainbow - when someone has been beaten down and disappointed so many times in life, it's something to reach for - something that *could* happen, and when disillusionment weighs you down and you look around one day and realize your life is half over, and so many things you dreamed of have never come to pass - well, the lottery is just a hope that's simple and safe; no one can take that hope away - there's always that chance.
I have a few ideas for you; I sense you were very emotional when you wrote this, and I know I don't have the whole story, but just from what you've said, I have a few ideas...
I sense your parents may not know how you feel. You try so hard to help them, and you hurt so much inside because they are so unhappy, and you don't want to burden them further - so you put on a nice, happy face and hide your fears and your pain so they won't be hurt even more; if that is how it is, think of this: sometimes, when someone is depressed about how their own life is going, and overwhelmed with worry over their own problems, helping out with someone else's problems is a relief - it gets their mind off their own worries. If you've hidden all your fears and pain, maybe letting your parents know about some of it will jolt them out of worrying over their own problems and they might cheer up enough, just because they have a reason to - that reason being, to help you.
There are places to go to get help - counseling and financial help. Every state has programs. They are a big pain, and it's a lot of red tape, and when you're depressed sometimes you don't have the motivation to make the first step. Maybe if you could make the first step for them, they will pick it up from there, and try to find a way to get help. Get the forms and leave them with the mail or something, maybe with a note that someone suggested it as an option or you read about it somewhere. Don't let pride stop you - we pay our taxes so that we can get help when we need it.
You're a young, sensitive, caring young woman. You have your entire life ahead of you. Try not to let your family hold you back. That might sound heartless - but it's not; just remember that you are in control of your own destiny - if you don't want to live the way your family lives, you will be an adult soon, and you won't have to. Choosing to live differently doesn't mean you would be turning your back on your family.
No matter what the situation is - the best way to handle overwhelming, numerous worries is to take stock of your situation, piece by piece. Start anywhere, with anything that is worrying you - write it down if you want - then ask yourself: "Can I do anything about this?" If the answer is no, then push it away - practice not worrying about it - practice not thinking about it; push it out of your head. There is no guilt in that. Worrying about things you cannot do anything about is wasting energy.
Once you eliminate everything you can't do anything about, your list of worries should be much shorter. Then you will ask, for each item: "WHAT can I do about this?" If you worry without trying something, then you're wasting energy, again.
If you go through your list of worries, practice keeping those you can't do anything about out of your mind, and focus on doing something, even if it's just a little something, about what you CAN do something about, you'll soon start feeling better.
Maybe you can teach your family how to do it, too. Maybe you can show them.
Finally - you have to remember that you can't control what your family is going to feel or what they're going to do. You can try to help, you can make suggestions, but they are the only ones who can truly do something about it. Let go of the responsibility; you cannot fix their lives for them. You can love and support them and you can help, but that's all you can do. If you have done all you can do, you have to let go of it and focus on living your life. Keep praying, and keep caring, but don't take their problems on your shoulders, and don't let yourself feel guilty for things you can do nothing about.
My heart goes out to you - truly. You're having to deal with issues no one just starting their life should have to deal with. It WILL make you stronger - try to see it that way. Always work to find the bright side of things, the good inside the bad.
Good luck to you, and have no doubt that your heart is in the right place and you should not feel guilty about your family's problems - you are obviously very sensitive and care very much; no one can ask for more than that. Do what you can and have no guilt for living your own life beyond that. You are a person just as they are - you must do what is right for you, just as they must. You must do what will make you happy.
God Bless
Okay, so I am 15 years old and i love watching porn. and no im not turned on by in by i just like watching it. is this normal?
It's normal to be curious and fascinated by porn, and if you just watch it every now and then, it's probably not an addiction. If you think about it all the time and watch it every chance you get, you are probably developing an addiction and should do something to break the habit immediately.
At this point in your life, if you watch porn without understanding what you're really watching, you probably will develop a very warped and twisted attitude about sex. This will lead to relationship problems for the rest of your life, and worst of all, you'll won't ever truly experience how absolutely, heavenly, amazing, and wonderful - sex can and SHOULD be.
Real life isn't like porn. In real life sex is personal and private - THE MOST intimate thing you can do with any other person. No matter what your friends say or what you hear, sex is not casual, it always comes with strings attached. There's the chance of pregnancy, the risk of diseases - and even the cleanest person in the world, even virgins, can get these diseases - from blood transfusions, from dirty cuts, there are many ways to pick up diseases. They are passed not just by sex, but also by blood.
The people in porn flicks are not having sex - they're performing. They're pretending. It's completely fake. There's a roomful of people you can't see and cameras everywhere. They wear makeup all over their bodies and say the same lines and do the same things over and over and over again until they get it perfect. Often they take drugs so they can endure it - because usually they are NOT having fun, it's tedious and disgusting and shameful to them. They have to make a living - it's all about money. The people in the video make money, the people selling the video make money - and the people addicted to it - and the people like YOU - PAY that money.
Yes, it's normal to be curious, and even to be somewhat fascinated by porn. Just remember that's the reaction they WANT you to have - because they want you to pay. The directors are there, off screen, telling them every move to make, all to come up with the kinkiest things imaginable - just to sell movies and clips.
No matter how you look at it, there's nothing really good about porn. If you're with your friends and you're all watching it - try to remember exactly what it is you're watching. Otherwise, try not to watch it - because you're not seeing sex at all. Just actors playing a part.
Above all, remember that sex is the physical side of love. It's the most intimate, personal, private, and special act that should only be done with someone you already feel close and intimate with. You should be able to tell this person anything before you ever have sex, and when you do have sex, it's between the two of you and NO one else. Otherwise you'll be cheating yourself AND the person you're with out of truly enjoying one of the most amazing and wonderful things you will ever do in your entire life.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to figure out why you like it so much and then kick the habit! :) Live life to the fullest - but don't cheat yourself out of the wonderful experience that sex is supposed to be.
If you do keep watching porn, don't let it fool you into thinking sex is the way they make it seem on the screen. Sex is the closest you will ever get to a person; don't waste it on someone you barely know or hardly care for.
Good luck!!
15/m
Ok well today i was hanging out with this girl and when we kissed it seemed like to me her mouth was slightly open when we kissed and it felt weird but like i'm not sure if i'm doin something wrong since i've kissed like 8 times before but when i kissed my ex-girlfriend like a year ago she didn't have her mouth slightly open or like idk how to explain how this new girl has her lips just feels slightly open haha
Thanks for any help!
She might have been expecting you to french kiss her - if the kiss was long at all, that all. If it was just a peck, maybe you just surprised her, or maybe she does just kiss like that. But it's just possible she expected or wanted you to french kiss.
In case you don't know how, you just kind of make your lips real soft, then when your lips are against hers, kind of gently and barely lick her lips with your tongue. If she opens her mouth, then you go a little further, put your tongue against hers, taste her mouth - I know it sounds kind of gross but it's actually pretty heavenly. From there you kind of get lost in it.
The secret is to keep your tongue soft, and don't push it. Just be gentle and see how it goes.
Good luck, and stick to kissing as long as you can - it's a wonderful thing, and once you move past kissing, well, it loses some of it's excitement. Kissing is very romantic, and girls love romantic. ;)
i never had a sweet 16, but i am planning to have a sweet 18 for my legal birthday. But im curious. I dont really want to make 18 people write a speech for me. Id rather write speeches for 18 people that mean the most to me... like a sweet 16 candle ceremony. Can i do that? Or do i have to choose 18 people to say something about me?
Of course you can do that! Make the plan clear to those you invite by planning it out thoroughly. Be careful not to accidently hurt someone by leaving them out; if you invite 20 people and say something special about 18 of them, the other two may feel hurt. But yes, of course you can set up your ceremony however you want to.
Now, if you are worried about being unconventional or committing a social no-no, I'm probably not the person to listen to. :) In that case, you can look up information on etiquette to make sure you're not doing anything that is social-suicide, so to speak.
Definately the only thing I'd worry about is accidentally leaving someone out or hurting someone who thinks they are important to you; leaving someone out and ending up having someone there with hurt feelings or being offended.
Good luck and have a Happy Birthday, either way!
How would you go about bringing up birth control to a parents who is 100% against sex before marriage? I wouldn't if I didn't have to, but I don't want to worry about getting pregnant.
- help
You *could* tell your mother your periods are very bad - then tell the doctor the same, and they may put you on the pill. But they *might* see right through it, or they might run a bunch of painful medical tests, first. Or they may handle it some other way. Lies that involve your health can backfire terribly.
I notice you didn't mention disease - don't ever forget that. Being on pills will not prevent it, and no matter how well you know or trust the person you are with, there is always the chance they contracted a disease from a blood transfusion when they were a child, or a contaminated cut, or any number of things. I made that mistake - and I completely trusted the person; he had gotten it at a HOSPITAL, and he didn't even know he had it. It can happen to anyone; it's not worth the risk. If the person you are with refuses, then they are not worth it, no matter how much you might want it - it's not worth it. It's a mistake you can't ever take back.
The most honest and safest way is to try to get your parents to come around. First, though, you have to lead up to it - don't just blurt it out. Find articles about young people having SAFE sex, leave them where your parents will find them - next to your backpack or books, or in your room in plain sight, or somewhere they will find them. Say that you found them, or someone was handing them out somewhere, just be vague - don't say anything they can check on. White lies are little lies you tell so you won't hurt someone - and if you tell them straight out why you have it, it will hurt them.
Eventually, once they know you KNOW about it, and once they KNOW you are thinking about safety, and once they GET USED to all of that - you may be able to talk with them about it. You might start out as if you were talking about "a friend" instead of yourself, and work up to it. Above all, think about their feelings - you are their baby, it's horribly painful for them to think of you having sex, it TERRIFIES them. Keep that in mind and don't become angry if they freak out when the subject comes up. If you stay calm and don't yell, they will see you as more mature. If you make sure they know you are thinking about safety first, they will take it better.
When you do talk to them about it, don't tell them you're going to absolutely do it. This is another white lie - they won't ever be comfortable with you having sex; again, you're their baby, their child, and you ALWAYS will be. Don't ever go into details about it, or tell them when or with who or where. Keep it private and if they flat out ask you if you're a virgin - tell the truth - but always keep your temper.
Stay calm, let them shout and lecture if that's what they will do, wait till they get it all out, then quietly and reasonably talk about it. Let them know you care about their feelings and don't want to hurt them, that you are just thinking about it and that just in case - you want to be completely safe.
Hopefully you can get that far with them. It may take a while, but it may work.
The very best idea of all is to not have sex until you are able to get the birth control on your own. That might sound horribly old fashioned and useless - of course you WANT to - but your virginity is the most precious gift you can give to anyone, and you should save it for someone who is special enough and worthy enough - someone who cherishes you so much that they will wait.
Even if you are not a virgin now, if you have sex much before your body is fully developed - and that would be 17 or 18 at the youngest - just having sex at all can be dangerous and lead to problems later. I had to have surgery 4 times because I started having sex too early. :( It wasn't until years later, but now I can't have any more kids.
If you are not ever able to get your parents to come around, try to find another adult you can trust, one that is more open to it. They may be able to help. There are usually clinics you can go to that will provide birth control with no questions asked, also.
The most important thing is to take sex seriously. It should be the most beautiful thing you've ever experienced with a person you love deeply and are committed to, and who cherishes you and appreciates the gift you are bestowing on them. After that - be realistic and protect yourself not just from pregnancy, but from disease. Sex isn't casual, no matter how it seems or what people say, and what you do, you can never take back, so be very very sure, and be very very careful.
Good luck to you and I hope you find an answer that will make you happy and keep you safe!
how to kiss
Simply close your eyes, let your lips be soft, touch your partner's lips with yours, and if the chemistry is there - the rest will come naturally. Touch your partner's face, stroke their hair, and don't force it, just let it happen slowly and naturally.
Husband wants me to get a 3some together me him and another girl. we've been married 4 months. I have experianced this before and have kissed girls when really drunk. He knows I like to look at girls and love to watch porn with him. I dont know if this makes me bi or just loves the woman body. I kinda do want that 3some he askes for but in a way dont want to share our bedroom love life with someone else. Is this a normal thing a guy wants or do you think he is not happy with JUST me and my body. I am 29 180lbs and 5'7 he is 6'2 272 and 36 yrs old.
Hello, I'm a 36 year old female; I was married for 15 years to a sexually and emotionally abusive man, then divorced. For 12 of those years I had an affair with a man we had brought into our marraige as an experiment similar to what you describe - my former husband had a fantasy of "telling" me to be with someone, and I had a fantasy of being "told" to be with someone. So it happened several times. The problem was that I ended up having an affair with this man.
But even closer to your situation is this - the man I had the affair with had fantasies of being with two girls, and I helped him live them out. For a long time it went well; the girl was someone who he was attracted to but had no deep feelings for, while I knew I was very special to him. We both enjoyed it immensely and there were no problems. Then one day he found a girl who he did have deep feelings for, deeper than those he had for me, and my life was absolutely destroyed - this all happened four years ago, and I'm still not completely over it.
There are layers and layers of feelings surrounding sex, and love, and marraige, and when you begin to peel those layers back you open yourself up to much pain - it's not certain that you will get hurt, but you're letting down your defenses and opening the door to be hurt.
Enjoying kissing girls now and then, wanting to be part of a threesome, enjoying looking at girls - naked or otherwise - doesn't make you bi. To me, the female body is just beautiful, much more beautiful than the male body - and I know I'm not bi - I *only* did it for my man - and let me tell you, that was the *wrong* reason to do it. :) So do not spare any worry or stress over that.
But think very hard about the possible repurcussions of opening the marraige bed to a third person. You would be opening yourself, and could be hurt badly. Here is just ONE thing that might happen: if you agree and you do it, then you don't want to do it anymore but he does, in his mind there is an excuse now - a reason that many people would accept, that would make going behind your back "okay". Or the opposite could happen - you might like it too much, and he might want to stop - that kind of temptation, when you have an excuse, a reason, that makes it acceptable, is very very hard to resist, and you would end up going behind HIS back. Then the guilt can kick in, and guilt can destroy a person. I never dreamed I would ever do what I did - but the temptation got me, and since my ex was the one who allowed it to begin with - I had an excuse that made it "okay". I couldn't resist.
I, personally, would not ever want to be in a relationship where anything like this was even considered again. The agony that I went through, the guilt, the memories themselves - they torture me every day, and my entire life has been impacted by that one mistake I made so long ago.
In the end, it must be a choice you and your husband make together, and if you and your husband are best friends and completely comfortable talking to each other about how you feel about it - if you can be totally honest with him about how you feel - then it might just be something you can do and not have anything bad happen. If you and your husband don't have that kind of closeness and intimacy, you might want to try to find that kind of intimacy with him, just between the two of you, before you consider anything like this. Once you do it you can't undo it, not ever.
I know my answer is long, but I've one more point - don't let your husband make you feel like a "priss" or make you feel naive and stuffy and "no fun" if you don't feel comfortable with it. No matter what you see on the internet, this is NOT something that is widespread or socially acceptable - to answer your question, no - it's not "normal" (but then, what is? :); usually something like this will ruin a marraige, and sometimes, it will ruin lives. If he is pushing you to do this, I hate to say this, but he probably would not be happy with ANY one woman. Now that is NOT YOUR fault, it's HIS failing - completely. If he could not be happy with you and you alone, then he should have made that clear up front before you ever married. Do NOT blame yourself for him wanting more - you could be the best he's ever had (and you probably are! He married YOU, after all...) - but he's going to want more no matter what, no matter who, if that's the case. It's his problem, and has nothing to do with anything you've done. It's not that YOU, specifically, don't make him happy - it's simply that no one girl will ever make him happy in that area. Now, if he's not pushing you, that may not be the case. It's important to be very, very honest with yourself here. Don't see only what you *want* to see - look at the situation and be honest with yourself; it may hurt, but if you don't do it now, it will hurt so SO much more later on.
Good luck to you and your husband, and I hope that whatever you decide and whatever you do, you will enjoy life to the fullest, and be happy. If your husband is not the right guy for you, then the right person IS out there somewhere. Never settle, never compromise - be honest with yourself, and be happy. *smile*