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Moree detaill to thee "love storyy"
You are the greatest! Your advice is absolutely amazing. Really!! Im from Tennessee, by the way.
Lets start with my first time and him crying; Im not too sure of why he would cry, but I remember him saying it was amazing, and he said it wasn't just sex, that he finally made love to someone. At the time of me being 15, I didn't really know what that meant, until after we broke up. I wouldn't even neccessarly call it sex because it hurt to bad, and I wouldn't let him stick it in all the way.
Yeah, I know something is there. He has the certain look he gives me, and even when he's mad and looks at me, I can see the love in his eyes. He looks at me like im everything, and when he's mad at me, he just shakes his head and smiles. Then he has this smell too him. Like, I remember when we broke up, I thought it was his laundry detergent of why he smelled that way, but my mom tried every kind, and nothing smelled like him. I loved the way he smelled. The sound of his heart beat just put me to ease. I remember when we was together, he asked me "Kaci, do you know how much I love you?" and I said, "How much?" and he goes "Put your index finger and your thumb together, and thats how much." and of course I got a little upset, because when you do that, theres no space between them, so I figured it wasn't at all, and he goes, "I love you that much, because nothing or no one will come between us." I remember it like it was yesterday. He told me that Monday too. And it made me smile like crazy.
As of the whole age thing, you know at first I understood completely, but his last ex was 17 too. And they was together for 3 months. If he can date her, how come he can't date me? He said after Jenna (the other 17 yr old) he promised himself that he would never date an underage girl again. He knows I wouldn't call the cops on him, and he knows my parents wouldn't either. He couldn't get in trouble for dating me UNLESS my parents had a problem with it. Thats how it is in TN. My parents love him very much, but its like he uses it as an excuse to not date me. Than again he says his mom has a problem with the age thing, so its best to wait till im 18, so no one can complain about it. I understand.
Im just afraid that when Im 18, things won't change between us. Im afraid he's not going to talk to me for months at a time, or I won't be able to see him as much. Im afraid he's going to come up with another excuse since my age won't be a factor anymore. Theres not a way to prove if he will do this or not, until im 18. But Im just knowing that the longer I keep my hopes up, the sooner they are going to be brought down.
As of him sleeping around, I told him I'm not having sex with him for awhile. I want to make sure that he won't cheat, and that sex isn't the only thing on his mind. I want a relationship where love is the priority and not sex. Ya know? He said that he respects my decision, and he understands. He said he's going to be with me for the sex, and I blieve him. And its not problem that its long. The longer the better. You are absolutely a great person! Your advice and you taking time out of your day to help me is greatly appreciated!! (:
Btw. Today is Thursday, and I texted him to see if he was okay, and no text. I haven't spoke to him since Monday. A simple "Yeah" would make me feel so much better, but I know he's ignoring me. I just don't get it.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Thank you for your kind words; if I can be there and help just one person in this world, then every moment I spend trying is worth it. Your thanks are the most precious reward I could ask for. *hugs*
Your situation is so unique, I find it sweet and unusual and fascinating; this has been going on for such a long time during the time in your life and his life where the only sure thing is change - the two of you have changed more in the last 5 years than you will in the next 20 years - and yet you've stuck together, at least somewhat together. It just has to mean something, the way I see it.
However, the best way to approach anything in life is to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. If you give your heart and your love and your trust to someone, you're always risking being hurt - that's what makes it so special and intimate. Nothing can ever take that risk away. I'm married to THE man of my dreams - and I know absolutely that he won't break my heart. Still, he's ten years older than me (I'm 37, he's 47) - I will probably outlive him. So I'm going to end up with a broken heart anyway. I know that. But it will be worth it. And love like you feel for him is worth even the pain you would go through if you lose him. It won't feel like it at the time - because pain is amplified at your age the same way love is - but when you're older, looking back, you'll know that it was worth it.
So what you have to do is keep in mind that if things end up going downhill after you turn 18 - don't ever think you "wasted" the time you spent loving him, or regret loving him - because loving someone is the most precious thing in life, and is never worthless or a waste.
This thing with Jenna - I have to say - worries me some. I'm trying to imagine what could be the reason - why he would think it's ok to date *her*, but not you. The *only* ideas I have are:
1) He made some kind of agreement with his parents back when you were dating the first time, that he would wait for you to turn 18 - and that if he still wanted to date you then, they wouldn't object; or
2) He has some kind of personal reason, hopefully a romantic one, for not wanting to date you yet - because you are too important to him and he doesn't want to hurt you, or something; he wants to make sure he's got all of his "running around" done before he makes a commmitment to you - but he knows he wants the commitment to be with you; perhaps he's just afraid; or
3) The worst possibility. And I am SO sorry to have to bring this up, because I imagine it's your worst fear... but I have to, or I wouldn't be helping at all. I've seen guys do this and I've had guys do this to ME, and it *hurts* so bad; it's possible that he's just stringing you along so that he will always have you there in case he wants female companionship and no one else is around.
I can't tell you how much I don't like to say this; I know it's *not* what you want to hear. But I know that if I'm going to really help, I've got to be honest. And you will have to be very very honest with yourself about this; if he *is* doing this - just keeping you around so you'll be there in case he has nothing better to do - you're going to have to cut him off. He will hurt you so so bad; and it will hurt so much worse later on than it will now to just end it. So please, if it begins to look like this is what's happening - tell him what you think, see what he says, be honest with yourself, and do NOT let him do that to you. *hugs* You deserve better.
Okay. That's said and out in the open now - and I'm so so sorry I had to say it. I don't think that's what's going on, but I *might* be wrong. There are guys out there - LOTS of them - that will do that to a girl, but not many will do it over a 3-4 year timeframe. That's the biggest thing that makes me think he's genuine - a guy at that age just won't stick around that long, waiting for a girl, if she's not sleeping with him. I know you had sex when you were dating, but have you had sex with him since? If so, then I'd worry... if not, I really have to say that I believe he's genuine. Time is the most telling test for true feelings.
Now the age issue *is* sounding like an excuse; but it may not be the excuse you think it is. #2 above is what I'm thinking is going on here, and if that's the case, when you turn 18 it won't change anything - because the change has to be within *him*. If his mom had a problem with the age difference with you - didn't she have the same problem with the age difference with Jenna?
Also, his ignoring your messages. I'm thinking he may be really scared by his feelings, and scared by the strength of your feelings, too.
Guys don't analyze their feelings like we do. They just feel, and react. Women - we think about our feelings, talk about them, try to figure them out - but guys, they just react. Usually they can't even explain what they're feeling. If what they feel is really strong, they don't know how to react, and so they try to avoid feeling that way. Even if its a good feeling - if it's too strong they get scared and they run away from it. The truth is they're scared because they may get hurt - but they don't realize that.
We can see that we love someone, which means we can get hurt, which is scary - but we *know* and *see* what we're afraid of and don't usually feel the need to avoid it. Guys have the same set of feelings, but they don't see what they are. They feel the love and react with fear, then run away. They don't see it all laid out like we do. They just avoid the whole situation because it's confusing and scary. And that adds another bit of confusion to the whole situation. He knows he's avoiding you and he doesn't know why. So that confuses him even more; to the point that when he's not with you he's worried that it isn't love.
At the same time guys know how we feel - because we tell them, and because they seem to be able to logically see our feelings while being completely blind to their own. So he can see you are completely in love with him, so much that when he showed up and you were dating someone else, you dropped the other guy flat.
That tells him you are counting on him to LOVE you, and that YOU are going to be hurt if he DOESN'T love you.
Then his subsconscious kicks in. If he avoids you, not only is that responsibility removed, but that powerful feeling that he thinks is love but is really scary is *also* removed. And so BAMM - he avoids you. And doesn't know why.
Now this could mean absolute tragedy if he doesn't grow up and really look at his feelings - and you might have to gently push him in that direction. I don't know the subletlies of your relationship, so don't know how you can do that, but you may have to. Because if he keeps doing it, you're going to come to the conclusion that he *is* just keeping you around as a "back-up plan", and then you're going to have to cut it off, and then a really good possibility would be lost for him, and for you.
But really - we can go round and round, and we can try to understand and we can really be very understanding, and I think we're being WAY more than fair here; he could at *least* answer your messages. The bottom line is that it's all in his hands now. All you can do, if he lets you, is try to help him figure out what it is that he feels and then try to get him to deal with it.
In the end, *he* is the only one who can actually do it; and you can't even do anything to help, unless you lets you. Then there's the chance he's just a jerk; in which case, you'll just have to accept the good times you've had so far and move on. Right now, it's all up to him.
I want to talk for just a moment about how you described how you feel; you mentioned his smell, how feeling his heartbeat made you feel at ease. You should know; this is something that happens lots when you care for someone; it's not unusual - at least, it's something *I* have felt.
I remember my first love. I was 14 when I started dating him and 17 when we broke up; he was 3 years older. He was a total jerk, but I did love him. One day we were just sitting together watching TV and I was trying to explain to him how much I loved him - I remember this like it was yesterday... We were cuddled together, kind of lying against each other, and I told him: "I can feel every part of your body that's touching mine, and it's like this energy is moving from you to me - your hand is on my side, and your back shoulder is against the front of my shoulder, my hand is touching your knee, your thigh is against mine, and my lips are touching your ear right now. Every point where you and I are touching feels like there's some kind of power moving from you to me." It was intoxicating; amazing. A very strong, sensual and intimate feeling.
I know you know what I mean. Love as a teenager is more intense than it ever will be again. Don't ever regret feeling it - no matter what happens in the next few years. The smell is really simple; everyone has a smell unique to them that no one else in the world has, and if you're intimate and close to someone often, you'll learn that smell. I can remember I knew that special smell for each of the four men I've loved, and even a few of my boyfriends that I neever actually loved. Just to share a little about me - two of those men I will love beyond life; the other two betrayed me and used me, and I have lost all the love I had for them - still I don't regret loving them. I'm here because I want to help others- but for you, I just think it may make you feel better to know that at least one person out in the world "gets" it. I understand what you feel. I've been there, and boy, is it powerful. *smile* So no matter what, you aren't alone; that magical feeling, that amazing feeling, and that wonderful warmness of knowing a man's smell and loving it - it's normal, it's all part of loving. *smile*
I'm honored to have been able to help. I hope I still can.
At this point, if I were you, I would start bracing myself for the worst - but I wouldn't give up. First I'd give him a chance to make good on his word. I'd be understanding and give him the benefit of the doubt, at least for now - and I'd try to help him look at his feelings and figure out why he's so changeable. A lot is going to come out after your birthday, when all his promises come due. All you can really do right now is wait and see; if nothing changes, then you'll have plenty of time to deal with that when it happens.
Its a waste of energy to worry about something that you can't do anything about - so try not to. As far as the text's, I'd just stop texting him and wait for him to make the next move. You've given him more than enough chances to answer you and let you know what's going on. I know it's soooo scary, and it's hard, but try to just live your life as if you're not busy waiting on him - he will come around when he's ready.
Finally - try to look at it like this: if what you've had up to now with him is all you will ever have from him, you have *still* experienced something rare and wonderful that many women are not lucky enough to experience. I know that's not much comfort, but it *will* be. I think there's a lot more in store for the two of you, though - unfortunately, I think there will be pain for you - because he seems to REALLY be out of touch with his feelings; and waiting on him to figure things out is going to be very hard on you.
Take care, and keep in touch. *hugs*
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