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am i too young to know if its real, part 2.
Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate it dearly. You gave the best advice, so I was wanting to get deeper into it, and see what you still think.
When me and him was dating, he had only had sex with 2 girls, and than he took my virginity. After we had sex, he cried. I was confused of why, and I still to this day am. He said it was the most amazing feeling he has ever felt between him and a female in that way. BUT. He has stuck around for 3 years, and so have I. We have both dated people after our break up; the only bad thing is, is he became a type of guy to sleep around alot. He'd go to clubs and have sex withs girls that he DIDNT even know their names. He had sex with every girlfriend after me, but he's been checked for STD's, and he's clean. I'm not really bothered by it, because Id rather him go out and do it now, than him be with me, leave me, to see what else is out there. During these past 3 years, he has this thing where he will randomly text me, or call me for a couple of days, and than he will go months without speaking to me (which i figured it was because he had a new girlfriend, or such) and then he'd come back into my life like nothing happened. He'd stop by, and than weeks later, I'd hear nothing from him for more months, its a repeated pattern. When I would text him, he'd be short with me, and wouldn't keep conversation, but when he's around me phsyically, I can't get the boy to shut up, haha.
Anyways. In August, I was dating this guy named Michael for three months, and Thomas(my ex) randomly stopped by,(he knew I had a boyfriend at the moment) thats when I sat in his truck, and we was remensing over our past, and he finally admitted to me that he was still in love with me, and he missed me, and loved how comfortable he was around me. He reminded me of the promises, and after he left. I began to have mixed emotions for Michael. I broke it off with him because I wasn't in love with him, and I haven't had love for any guy more than a friend anyways. Thats when I realized my heart fully belonged to Thomas. When I told him that I broke things off with Michael, and why;
he simply said that "Kaci Im 20 years old, and I don't even know what love is."
I said, "So everything you told me in your truck was a lie? You aren't in love with me?"
he goes "It wasn't a lie. When I can look at a girl and my heart can skip beats everytime I look at her like its the first time i've ever seen her than I know its love. And thats only happened once."
I said "well if you don't know what love is, than obviously you can't love me"
and that was the last I heard from him until
yesterday, Thomas stopped by again. First time I've seen him since August. I wasn't expecting him to come. I went outside and I saw his truck, my heart literally fell to my stomach. I got weak in the knees, and he called me and said he was on my front porch. I went around, and we sat down beside each other and we talked. He said he loves the feeling he gets with me when he's around me. He finally feels complete.
I said, "I don't see why you do this to me. You come in and out my life likes it nothing, and you just make it os much harder for me."
he said, "Kaci its not like Im trying to do that. Its your age. If I get caught I could go to jail. The more I talk to you, the harder it is to just know your not my girlfriend yet."
I said, "But you don't love me remember? You don;t know what love is remember?"
He said, "My god Kaci, I do fucking love you. When I said the whole thing about me looking at a girl and my heart skips beats everytime and it only happened once, I was talking about you."
I got quiet. He said that I only have a couple of more weeks left, and from there we will see what happens. We kissed, we hugged, we played around, like old times. We've always had a good time with each other. He acted like he was guna kiss me, than he'd lick my facee like he use to do. I felt so strong when I was with him; I have no worries, and everything inside just feels content and so comfortable. He told me he misses me, and that there is a 97% chance we will get back together, the 3% chance is if one of us dies because no day is promised. HE ALSO SAID THAT WHEN HE'S WITH ME HE'S SO HAPPY, BUT WHEN HE LEAVES MY HOUSE HE BEGINGS TO HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ON WHETHER WE SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER OR NOT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT IT TO BE LIKE BEFORE. I explain to him that its been years, and I have became more mature, and I have a better understanding of a lot of tihngs, and he has changed too. I told him if he still loves me to not ignore it. I told him we may not have been ready for the first chance, so we need to atleast try it one more time!! I told him that I know after he leaves my house, I won't speak to him for god knows how long, and I was only setting my self up for heartbreak all over again, and
he said, "kaci, i just dont want to get in trouble, you have less that 30 something days, if you can just wait it out than youll see that Im worthy of my promises."
He told me he would text me tomorrow, which is today; I texted him last night and this is our conversation.
Me-"Can I tell you something real quick?"
Thomas-"Yea"
Me-"It felt perfect to be in your arms again. I feel complete."
Thomas-"I know"
Me-"So you feel the samee? Or are you having mixed thoughts again?"
Thomas-"Idk kc"
Me-"I knew I was getting myself set up for heartbreak again."
Thomas- "No"
Me-"Well, you shouldnt have mixed emotions with me Thomas. I'd go through hell and back for you. I know you love me by the way you look at me, the way you touch me, and the way you say my name. And you know I love you just as much"
I haven't heard from him since. I texted him tonight, but NO reply. :/
Heres the answers to your questions:
1. Are you true friends with him? Do you have things in common, and just simply enjoy each other's company?
-Me and Thomas was friends before we ever dated. We was only friends for a couple of weeks because he was dating my cousin for like 4 days and they broke up. We have a lot in common. We enjoy the same activities, we both have great communication with each other, well in person anyways. He enjoys my company, and I really enjoy his. He says he likes that Im younger, because I will never let him feel old. I bring out his kid spirit.
2. Do you get along? Think about the things about life you don't agree on - can you accept his beliefs and thoughts, even if they don't always match your own?
- We get along for the most part. We don't get along 24/7 but who does? He has really bad anger issues, but Im really patient. We even each other out pretty well. I feel for him for his flaws more than his good qualities. Im just not too sure on how he'd answer this.
3. Think about the things about him that you *don't* like. There's always something, that's what makes us human - can you *live* with the things you *don't* like about him?
-Oh yes. I know we have the potential to work out anything; if he is willing.
4. In the last several years, has he come around to hang out because he just wants to be around you? Or does he only come around if he isn't busy with other things (like going out with friends, or maybe even on dates, etc.)?
-You answer that.
5. Do *you* really and truly believe that you could be happy with him for always, and never wonder "what if", never feel the need to spread your wings and just play the field? (regardless of this answer, you should try it anyway - in the adult world; at least give your self time to see who is out there - more on this below...)
-Oh yes. I do really blieve I could be with this man forever. I see my future in his eyes, and I've dated around, but it just doesn't feel right.
As of marriage. Im in NO rush to get married. I told him I dont need a piece of paper to prove my love for him, and he agrees. If we are meant to be, than the marriage thing will happen on its on time, but he understand that I want to go to College and get my degree before I have kids. Being engaged would be okay while im in college, but I told him that I want to make sure I could handle college, a job, and a boyfriend all at once before he puts a ring on my finger.
Sorry its so long!
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No worries at it being long! *smile* That's what I'm answering for, is to help if I can. *smile*
I believe he has feelings for you, but I also think he's confused and afraid of those feelings. I think when you had sex and he cried, it was because he was your first, and he felt very special, very lucky, very much in awe, that you would give the gift of your virginity to *him* - at the same time, I think he maybe felt like a jerk, like he had taken advantage of you. And, to top it all off, something special seems to have happened - now, it may be that it was so very special *only* because it was your first time. That's pretty intoxicating. So maybe he's not sure why it was special - was it because of you, or was it because it was your first time? Maybe he's *afraid* that it's only because it was your first time, and if that's the case, he could end up hurting you.
The point is, whatever it was - he probably doesn't even know why it was so special that he cried. And maybe he's afraid it won't be the same next time. Yes, I *do* believe he cares deeply for you, but I also think he's confused and afraid - he's afraid of his feelings, and he's afraid that he's wrong, and that makes him afraid he will hurt you.
And yet, with all of that - he's still around. Three years later, and though it's been off-again, on-again - he's still around. So yes - there is definately *something* there.
A little off the subject - but I can't help but wonder which state you're in that 17 is not legal - I've lived in 5 states, and 17 is legal in all of them... but that's beside the point. If 18 is the legal age in your state, then his fear of going to jail is *very* valid. He would be labeled a "sex offender" for the rest of his life. He would never be able to teach school, work around kids at all, coach a little league team - he'd probably have trouble getting a job at all. It would follow him around forever, and you wouldn't be able to say a word. The court can even order him not to see you again - ever! Staying apart until you're legal is *extremely* important, so don't think that it's an excuse he uses; it's serious business, and a whole lot of trouble if he gets arrested.
Now here he is, wanting to be with you, but all of these things are against it - his parents says its wrong, the law says its wrong, his friends may even give him a hard time about it - but still he wants to be with you. It could be that he feels like he *shouldn't* want you or he's not *supposed* to want you. But he does - and that probably confuses him even more.
I know all of that is pretty confusing. Read through it a few times if you need to; it makes sense. The point is, he's in a tough spot, and he is probably very, very confused.
So I think that when he says he loves you, then later says he doesn't know what love is - he's not lying, and he's not playing games, he's just saying it like it is - he knows he feels something really strong and intense about you (three years *proves* that is true) - and he thinks that it's love, but you two haven't had the chance to explore a relationship, and there are so many other things to worry about - so he's not *positive* it's love. It's hard to know what love is sometimes; I know I *thought* I was in love several times before I actually fell in love the first time. Each and every time, it felt like the real thing. It's hard to tell.
I think the best thing to do is just ride it out until you're legal - then see what happens. When he doesn't answer your texts, or when he seems to be changable (one minute saying I love you, next minute saying I'm not sure) - remember that he's confused, too, and he's afraid, too. He seems sincere, if a little scary -
Be very very careful about sex - he's been with several girls, as you said, and let me tell you, not all diseases show up right away. You have to be tested, stay safe, then be tested again six months later - that will catch just about everything, but there are *always* exceptions.
I think you've got the right ideas and the right plans, and I think if you just let it ride until your legal, you two *will* start to date again. At that point, things will start to clear up. He will be able to relax around you - right now, he's got "Registered Sex Offender" staring him in the face every time he's with you. That's a lot to be afraid of.
Don't read into text messages much - and consider that he might be trying to stay away from you because he simply can't resist you, and he's terrified of being arrested. Give him time - time enough for you to get past your birthday, anyway - and I think that there might just be a very promising relationship ahead of you!
Oh, one other thing - about when you were with the other boy, Micheal, and he showed up. I'll just bet that he can't stand to think of you with another guy. At the same time, he's gone through all of these girls to try to get away from his feelings for you (because they are illegal, that's all) - and he doesn't feel like he has the right to be jealous. And, he doesn't want you to be lonely - but he doesn't want you with other guys. I know, it's an impossible situation, but feelings aren't logical. All of these contradictions are probably why his text messages are so confusing, and why he disappears for months on end, and he even says things in person that don't make much sense. He has mixed feelings - he want you but he's not allowed to have you; he wants you to be happy but he doesn't want any other guy to have you; *he* doesn't want to be lonely but he doesn't want those other girls, either. All of it's a big mess in his mind, and he's trying to sort it all out.
So now *I'm* sorry this has been so long. *smile* And I could be completely mis-reading the situation. But for him to stick around for three years waiting, three of the most changeable and exciting years in a person's life (meaning - teenage years)- that's significant. It means something. I believe you two have a pretty good chance.
Good luck to you again, and thank you for writing me! I'd love to hear back on how things work out!
Take care!
*hugs*
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