Ivy921's advice column

askIvy921

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: So a few weeks ago i just got dumped, and i really like this guy a lot still. I always ask himif he likes me and sometimes he says kinda and sometimes he says no. He acts really cute to me and stuff when no one else is around, or he will tell me he likes me but then the next day he will say he doesnt then 5minutes later he will tell me that he loves me. I like this guy so much and i would do anything to get him back.
Does he like me? Any ideas to win him back?

I think that the best thing you can do will also be the hardest: You have to ignore him for a while. He seems to thrive on playing with your emotions, he probably is just being honest on how he feels about you liking you one minute but not the next... but playing it cool with him, not mean and not chewing him out or being obnoxious or anything, but just being not around him as much and seeming you aren' as interested in him will drive him nuts. Give it a couple of weeks and he will be all over you in no time. But, the question is, do you want to be with someone who is so fickle in his emotions. Why always be on that rollercoaster? the few weeks away from him will also give you time to think about that as well. Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: I am a 20-year-old woman and have a friend of eight years whom I'm trying to break it off with. She calls me her "best" friend but lately I've realized I don't even like her -- I mostly stay with her out of habit. I mean, she is an okay person and I wish her the best, but I'm not especially fond of her and I'm tired of having to support her and let her cry on my shoulder all the time (this happens a lot, as she has a rough life and some issues with depression and cutting). She also has a tendency to get angry over very small things, and after I had to apologize for the 100th time for making some little remark which would not have offended anyone but her, I realized I didn't want to be friends anymore -- I am not getting enough out of the relationship for what I put in. I thought I could "lose touch" with her and the relationship could die a natural death, so I've avoided her for a month, not returned calls and so on. But she has come to me and demanded to know why I am acting this way.

If I tell her the truth -- that I'm not angry but don't want to talk her -- she'll never believe that. If I tell her I don't like her behavior (getting mad so easily etc), she will apologize and promise to change, I will get softhearted and forgive her, then after a few weeks she'll get mad at me again for no reason and round and round we go. (I know because this has happened before.) How do I resolve this without (A) deeply hurting her or (B) leaving me stuck in a friendship that does nothing for me?

I've totally been there and I have to say its one of the hardest situations I've ever been in.
After a few months of avoiding her she emailed me and confronted me. after careful consideration I told her while I cared about her and wished her well I think the friendship had run its course. It wasn't good bye forever, but I think we had grown too dependent on each other (ok, she on me, but i didn't want to lay it all on her) and I thought maybe it was the best if we took a break. Look, I still think about her and sometimes worry if she is ok or not, but really I am happier without her in my life. I don't know if this is the right thing for you or not, but this is what I did.

Q: I kinda liked/like this guy in my class. He's so nice and were deff like really close friends were always laughing and joking and I thought I just liked him as a friend, but he's such a good guy I can totally see myself being more then friends with him. We talk everyday, he leaves me myspace comments, messages me, texts me, and we have a bunch of jokes together.
Well, turns out, my step brother heard about me sorta liking this guy, and he asked him about me. My bro said when he asked him he was like smiling and stuff and that he might like me, but he wasn't sure so not to get my hopes up.
Soooo, what? Just best friends? or What?

I would say probably more than friends... but right now is the good stuff, you are having fun and know each other well and that 'what if' is exciting. Let things happen at their own pace. He'll make a move soon I would imagine. I bet probably right around new years. go with the flow and let things happen.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: is it true that if you want to get pregnant, that the best time to have sex is right after your period ends?

nope. the best time is 2 weeks after when you are ovulating.

Q: i'm a junior and guy. my friends usually like to have parties or get togethers, and i usually can't go because something comes up or i have other plans. with this group of friends, they are good guys, generally stay out of trouble, but the one day i couldn't go, i decided not to because i had to work on a project. the next day i heard one of the guys was rushed into a hospital because he was drinking too much. i dont like drinking, never have, and would like not to. so if they do invite me to a get together, should i just decline? i don't want to be left out of the loop, but personally i don't like drinking, don't really mind if others do though. what should i do...avoid it completely? will rate

No. Who is to say they didn't learn their lesson and may not drink again? Also, just because they did something doesn't make them bad people, and maybe you will see that others don't drink that much either. If you feel uncomfortable around them, then yes, don't hang out with them, but don't cut them out completely until you know for sure what the story is.

Q: ive been thinking about a new years resolution---to get skinnier. im about 140ish pounds now and 5ft 3in and i wanted to know if doing like 100 sit ups/crunches a day and 100 of these leg excersises thingies when you lay down and lift up your butt. i wanted to know how long it would take to lose like 30 or 40lbs if i did this. if you had any suggestions on this please tell me.

~thankies~

Those will definitely help. But the fastest way to get into shape is to do some cardio, like biking, or running or even fast walking or any kind of athletic activity that gets your heart rate up and a good sweat about 3 or 4 times a week for about 40 minutes each time. You don't have to do it until you think you are going to collapse. On the contrary, if you start slow and enjoy what you are doing you will do it more often. Another really good activity to do is pilates. They usually offer it at gyms or you can just get a DVD. If you get the breathing technique down, and do it pretty consistently, you will lose a ton of weight and you won't feel like you are having a really intense work out, though you are, while you are doing it. Also, diet. The easiest thing to do is to cut out soda, even diet soda while you are trying to lose weight. Diet soda has a ton of sodium in it and can prevent you from losing weight. Also, nix white bread, sugary cereals, even sugary food that seems healthy like fruity yogurt and granola. Check to see how much sugar those things have. You will be surprised.
Good luck, just small changes will really make a difference.
Keep me posted.

Q: At the begining of the year my biology honors teacher had us fill out a form about us. It asked what we wanted to be careerwise. I put that I wanted to be a journalist. The other day he read off what everyone wanted to be. The other kids wanted to be surgeons, and marine biologists..all really important things. When he got to my name he said "Journalist!....Good luck with that. She'll never get a job"

I was so embarassed! Everyone else had really important careers picked out and mine was so stupid. I'm not sure if I want to be a journalist anymore but now I have no idea what I want to do. I have to look at colleges next year and I have no clue what I want to major in. Can anyone help me?

ok- that was downright rude of your teacher. You can be a journalist and its an important job. How else would we have know what was going on during Hurricane Katrina, or in Iraq or any other major event in history? I'm a journalist. I make money at it and its a job I love. I had so many people tell me through the years not to do it or good luck with that one and things like that, and you know what, I did it. Best thing to do is to look at schools that have journalism or good schools of communications. Most large universities do. Or, if you'd rather go to a small school, look to major in English as you will have a good foundation in writing. While in school work on the school paper or tv or radio station, also internships! they offer them at most schools or during the summer you can line one up. That is the most important thing you can do to become a journalist.
I think it stinks that a teacher of all people said that to you, but let that be something that makes you want to strive to become one more and prove him wrong.
Keep me posted on the latest and if you have any questions, please ask!

Q: OH MY GOD!!!!!!! He asked me out!!!!!! I still haven't gotten an answer about the party but i guess that now girls can't sleepover. But I don't care, he asked me out and I said yes!!

yay!!!!!!!!!! have a great weekend. very happy for you.

Q: Okay, so I ignored him for about a week which wasn't to hard because for some reason he was ignoring me. Well then he started to flirt with me. Touching me, tickling, and sitting on me. Just me. Well what do you know, him and his girlfriend just broke this past Thursday.lol. Just after he starts flirting with me agian. So went to his house after school the other day,me, his exex-girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriends boyfriend. (that's a whole other story) But we played board games, and then satrted to play poke when his mom came home. So we desided that we wanted to have a poker night on Friday because I've never been to one of their games. Well we were going have everyone sleepover afterward, even the girls. You know, boys upstairs and girls downstairs, but Dallas' room is downstairs and he said that he gets his bed and that he needs a bedbuddy because he doesn"t feel like being alone. Well he pick me to be his bedbuddy.lol.

But so now I'm grounded, he knows I like him, and apparentlly likes me too, but doesn"t know what to do about it. So I'm going to try and talk my mom into letting me go and say that I'm sleeping over at someone elses house, but that is going to take alot. Wish me luck.

Good luck! how long are you grounded for? I hope you don't get busted so you end up being grounded for longer. It sounds very fun! keep me posted. he sounds very cute.

Q: I am married, and want to know that during pregnancy when we stop sex, or during pregnancy when it is not safe to intercourse.

I also want to know that in 12th week of pregnancy is intercourse is suitable?

Please give more details about intercourse during pregnancy.

asif_jah@hotmail.com

yes, it is totally ok to have intercourse in your 12th week. In fact, your second trimester you are going to start to feel really good again, not like your first trimester and you are probably going to want to do it more and go ahead. only stop if its causing discomfort to you. the baby can't feel it. i also you suggest you get the book What to Expect When You are Expecting. It pretty much answers all of your questions. Good luck and congrats

Q: I'm 15/f... There is this guy that i have been "talking" to (Grant) for about 2 months and he keeps telling everyone that he's going to ask me out but never does it. And then there is this guy in my Biology class (Todd) that is totally cute and nice and seems pretty interrested in me (ex. always walks me to lunch, always telling the teacher he is helping me just so he can talk to me, always making excuses to go and sit with my study group (all boys and me)) so should i just give up on Grant and move to Todd? please help...

Alix

Maybe you should. Sounds like Todd is willing to put the time and the effort in to getting to know you, and that really should count for something. Grant seems to be taking his sweet time to ask you out and there is no guarantee that its going to happen. More people miss out waiting around for something that may not happen than taking a chance on something that sounds pretty good. Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: I LOVE music but i need something new to listen to what are some good bands??

i like mostly rock and altenative music.

5's for anything.

Bloc Party, Interpol, Franz Ferdinand, Kings of Leon, Wilco, The Killers, Kasabian, Oasis,

Q: Alot of people smoke weed. Even my boyfriend used to but i made him quit. Even my parents do. For some reason i dont like weed. Ive never really tried it. But knowing my parents do it makes me think bad about them. It makes me think why do they do it but they are supposed to set a good example. Most of my friends do it too. I guess im just a good girl. But my boyfriend tries to convince me that theres nothing wrong with it. And i never agree and i dont think its right. Its a drug and im ashamed of everyone that does it. I dont know why though. Is there somthing wrong with me? anything will help! but please dont leave me rude comments.

Love-KMR

No. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, there is something very great about you standing behind your beliefs in what you think is right even when you are faced with a LOT of pressure from the other side. Its hard especially because of your parents and boyfriend, but it makes total sense, I know of other people who don't like weed precisely because their parents did it. And you know what, its not that great for you. It may not be like a hard drug that could kill you or permanently damage you, but it makes you spacey, and for some people depressed. Keep being who you are and everything is going to turn out great. The one advice I would add, while it may be hard not to, try not to judge those who do smoke. Different strokes, right?

Q: my children are 19 and 20 and I stayed home with them almost all their lives. I was divorced 11 yrs ago and their father was never active in their lives. Now he is extremely rich and can buy them anything which he does. When my son turned 18 he moved in with his dad. It killed me, but I thought maybe this was a male bonding thing. Then when my daughter turned 18 she moved in with him also. This was a slap in the face to me. Now the are both in college. One local and one about a hour away. They never call or come to see me. I try to call them and make plans with them but they always have an excuse, but they tell me all the stuff they do with their dad. He can afford to do big stuff with them and I can't compete. During their Thanksgiving break neither of them came to see me. My daughter who is away at college said maybe she would get a chance at Christmas to see me. I feel so betrayed and for a couple of years I have cried and become so depressed over them. I have been the one that calls and begs to take them out to eat, cook for them, anything, but now I am mad and over it. I shouldn't have to do this and beg my own kids to see me, we have always been so close...I thought. Now I don't call them or try to see them and have told both of them that I would not be celebrating Christmas or that I would be going out of town. I told them I didn't want to exchange gifts with them this year. Last year at Christmas they came over in the morning for 20 mintues and left. I can't buy as much as their dad, so they just opened my few gifts and left. I have started to prepare a big breakfast for them and they knew it. I live alone and I hate living like this, but I can't cry anymore. I don't know what to do. I want them to respect me and come to see me because they want to, not because I beg. Please help with some advice?

First of all, you should be commended on raising your kids all by yourself all those years. That is not an easy thing to do and its understandable why you are so upset. But ask yourself this... Do you think inadvertantly you have been pushing your kids away since they have gotten older and less dependent on you? You had every right to be mad at your ex-husband but did the kids hear that when they were growing up? If so, they may feel really torn with their loyalties to both parents. Also, when you make plans to see them or when you do see them, are you genuinely happy to see them/talk to them and find out what is going on in their lives, or are you so mad that they spend such little time with you compared to their Dad that it just comes across as resentment and bitterness? Of course I don't know these answers, only you do. Its very easy to blame it on your ex's money, but kids aren't dumb, especially at that age and their love doesn't go to the highest bidder. Something else must be going on...
Be honest with yourself. It may not be pretty, but its probably the best shot of having a relationship with your kids. After you figure out what happened write them a letter.
Good luck. I know this is a very hard time for you right now and the holidays don't make it easier. Things will work out.

Q: i have ugly white heads, black heads and these white bump thingies all over my face. theyre digusting. without them id actually be pretty but when they finally go away they come right back! ugh its so annoying and disgusting. i feel like no one can look at me without think 'ewww' please help

A dermotologist really is your best plan of action. Having once been plagued by zits myself I know how miserable it feels to have them. Its the most self conscious thing in the world. A doctor will be able to prescribe things that are right for you and your skin type. Meanwhile, drink TONS of water, and while it may seem like the smart thing to do, don't slather on makeup. Keep it light and buy higher end stuff like clinique or perscriptives brand makeup. Its less oily and won't clog your skin. Good luck. I really feel for you. It will get better, and don't lose your esteem or personality because of it.

Q: For the past few weeks my best friend has been acting a lot different towards me. It seems like she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. We used to hang out all the time, now when I ask her to come over she ignores me or tells me her mom doesn't feel good. She once told me her mom was putting up Christmas decorations. I went there two days later since we were going to church and her mom was putting up decorations then & didn't seem to care I was there. At school if I'm talking to her and our friend Dan (changed the name) says something, she tunes me out and starts listening to him. Last night we went to the beauty pagent thing our school was doing, and she told me "you know, maybe we shouldn't go places together anymore." That gave me the notion that apparently she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. One other thing is the other day she told me I couldn't come over because her mom was mad at her for something. I have a friend who's friends with her brother and he told me that her little brother had a friend spending the night. So what do you guys think is going on? Oh, and I've talked to her about her ignoring me when she talks to Dan but she just continues to do it. Any ideas or suggestions on what else I should say to her? Thanks.

These things happen especially in junior high and high school and even in college. It stinks and its really painful to go through and everyone usually goes through it at least once in their lives.
There is always a chance that you did something that upset her and if that is the case, speak to her about what you think it is.
But most likely you didn't do anything wrong. She may just be going through a phase where she wants to exert her independence and by doing that she is trying to shed some of her past, namely you and the more you try and talk to her, the more she will slip away. For now, really focus on your other friends and stay busy and do fun things with your other friends and try and make some new ones. Don't be mean to your best friend or ignore her, just try not to try and make plans with her for a while. You may just get shot down. Then around Christmas, send her a card wishing her a happy holiday and tell her that you miss her.
Hopefully just some time and space will do the trick.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: ok, im a 16 y/o guy, and i've never had a health class (reason i'm asking.) What are some signs that a girl IS NOT pregnant? like, is her period not the same? my girlfriend is 15, and we dunno. we had sex about 3 weeks ago, and we were woried about it. she's on her period right now, but does that mean she is FOR SURE NOT PREGNATE
?

for sure she is not pregnant. A girl/woman will have her period if she is not pregnant about 28-32 days apart. (about once a month). If you use protection, you have a better chance of not impregnanting a her. Also, a female is most fertile right in the middle of her cycle, about 2 weeks in, so try to be extra careful then.
I'm a bit concerned that this hasn't been covered in health class. I would try on line to find some reputable sites to help read up on this stuff.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: This Wednesday, the 30th, my high school stated that it would no longer be sponsoring a Junior or Senior prom...and thats final. They tried to explain why it was they made their decision. I actually agreed with the decision, and strongly believe that despite what the students say; it's all being done for the right reasons...after all, it was a difficult decision to make.
Maybe you've heard about it on the news before, or will soon. I'm a Junior, and this is an all guys high school, in New York. The teachers expressed that they were willing to listen to students this time, and they wanted feedback on not why they should bring back the prom - because thats not happening no matter what - but instead what can be done as an alternative. In other words, how can they sponser something that can be just as fun, or even better, and not have to know that there will be after parties or excessive spending in which people will do wrong things.

That Wednesday, I took my own time during class to find the principal, assistant principal, and those who were majorly involved to see if I could hold a meeting next week. I wanted the meeting to be for the people in my grade, anyone who wanted to attend, to see if we could brainstorm, be heard, and come up with a creative alternative, this time without limits. The teachers have said that they are willing to think outside the box this time, such as an overnight weekend trip from maybe Thursday to Sunday at theme park - anything goes. So my question is...do you have any ideas of your own for alternatives; and how should I present this to my classmates in a way to get positive feedback (by the way, most do not see this decision as I do, but rather as being 'punished and unfair'). Thanks in advance, serious answers please - will rate 5.

I heard about the story on the news this morning. Kind of a bummer but it sounds like the school wants to come up with an alternative. It sounds like they want to get rid of the extravagence that is associated with prom (the giant limos, the drinking, the clubbing and stuff afterwards). So maybe a senior trip would be the thing to do. You could do something like a theme park, or you could do something like camping in the mountains or to a cool city. It would probably end up costing the same amount. Good luck, hope everything works out.

Q: if i go to the gym will i only gain muscle or will i lose weight? how can i do both without looking TOO buff?

you will lose weight especially if you do cardio. Also, if you do some weights, several reps of light ones like 5 or 8 lbs (3-5 times of 10-12 each) you will get toned and muscle burns fat. Don't worry you won't look like a body builder. Think about it, every actress and model goes to the gym, you dont see them looking too too buff normally, right?

Q: i don't know how it happens, but every time i'm close friends with guys, they get a crush on me. does this always happen to everybody or am i just doing somthing wrong? how am i supposed to act in order to eliminate this possibility?

Stop being so adorable! ok. I'm kidding. I had this problem to in college. I was always best buddies with guys in high school, then all of a sudden, in college guys seemed to be different. It kind of bummed me out at first until someone told me that most girls would kill this kind of problem. It could just be you and how you act and if you are attractive or not. It could be the guys who become friends with you for alterior motives. Each situation is different. I wouldn't say change who you are, just maybe change how you treat guys. Maybe tell your deepest secrets to your girl friends only and stay more casual with guys.
Good luck and keep me posted.