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adult children
my children are 19 and 20 and I stayed home with them almost all their lives. I was divorced 11 yrs ago and their father was never active in their lives. Now he is extremely rich and can buy them anything which he does. When my son turned 18 he moved in with his dad. It killed me, but I thought maybe this was a male bonding thing. Then when my daughter turned 18 she moved in with him also. This was a slap in the face to me. Now the are both in college. One local and one about a hour away. They never call or come to see me. I try to call them and make plans with them but they always have an excuse, but they tell me all the stuff they do with their dad. He can afford to do big stuff with them and I can't compete. During their Thanksgiving break neither of them came to see me. My daughter who is away at college said maybe she would get a chance at Christmas to see me. I feel so betrayed and for a couple of years I have cried and become so depressed over them. I have been the one that calls and begs to take them out to eat, cook for them, anything, but now I am mad and over it. I shouldn't have to do this and beg my own kids to see me, we have always been so close...I thought. Now I don't call them or try to see them and have told both of them that I would not be celebrating Christmas or that I would be going out of town. I told them I didn't want to exchange gifts with them this year. Last year at Christmas they came over in the morning for 20 mintues and left. I can't buy as much as their dad, so they just opened my few gifts and left. I have started to prepare a big breakfast for them and they knew it. I live alone and I hate living like this, but I can't cry anymore. I don't know what to do. I want them to respect me and come to see me because they want to, not because I beg. Please help with some advice?
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Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
What you need to remember is that your still, and always will be their mom. Weather they understand this or not now. Show up at their dads one day when you know they're both gonna be there, or just wait, they're gonna end up missing you sometime soon. Well, i hope they do. Good luck with it, sorry im not much of a help, but if i was your kids, i'd end up missing my mommy sooner or later too:-.
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First of all, you should be commended on raising your kids all by yourself all those years. That is not an easy thing to do and its understandable why you are so upset. But ask yourself this... Do you think inadvertantly you have been pushing your kids away since they have gotten older and less dependent on you? You had every right to be mad at your ex-husband but did the kids hear that when they were growing up? If so, they may feel really torn with their loyalties to both parents. Also, when you make plans to see them or when you do see them, are you genuinely happy to see them/talk to them and find out what is going on in their lives, or are you so mad that they spend such little time with you compared to their Dad that it just comes across as resentment and bitterness? Of course I don't know these answers, only you do. Its very easy to blame it on your ex's money, but kids aren't dumb, especially at that age and their love doesn't go to the highest bidder. Something else must be going on...
Be honest with yourself. It may not be pretty, but its probably the best shot of having a relationship with your kids. After you figure out what happened write them a letter.
Good luck. I know this is a very hard time for you right now and the holidays don't make it easier. Things will work out.
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what i would say is they are still in their selffish stage of their lives. i no it sounds bad but they want the money because they cant see what they have with you now. and maybe they need a break to get to know their dad? i mean they've lived with you forever and they need to be out on their own. i mean that is how i would feel even though i am 3 years younger than them. i would say just dont stop loving them! they will come back. just keep things as normal and dont make them feel bad because you will just continue feeling bad
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jesus. this is pretty much what happened with me and my family. except at younger ages. once i realized that my dad wasn't living for the good things in life but rather money and respect, I started getting back in touch with my mom who lived on the other side of the country. then my whole world at my dad's house collapsed around me and i was forced to move in with my mom and stepdad. i realized that money didn't buy happiness, maybe took that belief a little too far i guess. living with my mom brought me back down to a more human level of things. if i was still at my dad's house, I'd probably be in a really good college on my way to leading a shallow life in some deadend tech job with high stress and minimal vacation time. instead, I'm here in germany gearing up to go to war. I accepted no bonuses, no cushy job, I'm living my own personal version of the american dream. once they realize that its just about the money(I expect this due to your unwavering efforts to get them home, so that shows that they still have something left of their original personalities) they should come back. just keep on doing what you're doing. only time can solve an issue like this. it took four years for me.
good luck, its a hard path to take.
-gunner
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