A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
Answers: 2588
Last Update: April 13, 2014
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Okay this is hard for me to do because usually im the one giving the advice. But i guess there comes a time when every advice columnist needs some advice from someone else. I've been married for 2 years and when my husband and i got together i liked to watch porn and he said he hated it. He would never watch it with me and he would always say that it didnt interest him. Several times now i have found porn sites on our computer and i confronted him about it. He says that he was looking for ideas for our sex life. But its like sex story sites and one is a naughty friends site. So recently i found more on there after he says he wouldnt do it anymore. They are pretty much the same sites but one new one is daily jack off stories. I really dont know if i should say something about it or not. He always gets mad when i bring it up. so i dont know if i should risk the fighting. I also have to put in that in the past he would chat with other girls sexually. But i do have to say that he told them he was married. I know for sure that he didnt call them baby or tell them he loved them or anything like that but that time he said he was role playing and getting ideas. So is he lying to me about it or is he really looking for new things for our sex life? Please give me your honest advice as i am honest with the people i give advice to.
Signed....
I think my husband lies about porn!!!! (link)
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You need to talk to him about it. Thats the best advice anyone can give you about this, because the rest of the situation isnt clear enough to give any advice on.
If hes having sexual (cyber sex) chats with other women and you arent cool with that then he needs to stop.
Honestly, I cant say with the slightest degree of certainty whats going through his head, so you need to talk to him and figure that part out for yourself.
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What are some morals you live by?
Not ones deriving from religion...just those that are usually left "unsaid".
For example, one would be:
don't speak badly of anyone.
Can someone provide me with more? (link)
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My personal code.
Keep your word whenever humanly possible.
Friends are family and family are friends. Protect both.
Strive to understand those around you.
Do not throw the first insult or punch.
Trust given is precious. Treasure it, and those that give it to you.
Be openminded to new people, experiences, etc.
Never hurt those worse off than you are.
Strive for balance in all aspects of your life.
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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Even being a psychology major I dont feel comfortable diagnosing this or anything of that nature.
However, I have some similar traits myself.
Purely from personal experience and self analysis, I would say that some level of detachment from emotions is normal for an intelligent person. The higher your IQ, the more likely you are to work off of logic and reason as opposed to emotion in your every day life.
In plainer terms, theres a concrete wall between yourself and what you feel. Everyone has some level of emotion, some people's defenses to keep from feeling it are stronger than others.
I hesitate to bring this up, but also severe emotional detachment to the point that you have difficulty relating to other people can be a sign of past abuse and mental trauma. If you want a more complete answer than that you should seek a professional.
You need to crack the wall somehow. I wish I had suggestions on how to do it (well, I do, but in no way are they appropriate for this website or in general). I would just say find a counselor. Someone you can talk to who can point you in the right direction a little better than we can.
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Ok, so for one, i think i know how to give blow job, but please give me something on how to so i know for sure.
and 2, for people that have done it, isnt it kinda weird and disgusting? what do you do if the guy cums while its in your mouth?!?!?!
please just give me all you knw about blowjobs. Thank you! (link)
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Cant answer the first, but I can answer the second.
Sex in general, if you really think about it, is disgusting. I mean, if you dont like getting messy, sex is wet, there are wierd bodily functions involved, it can get sweaty, etc.
Or, you can think about it as "sex is messy, its part of the fun"
As far as wierd, no its not. Oral sex is about your partner. One of the contributing factors to a good sex life is when two people are all about each other, rather than themselves. You should seek to make your partner feel good, and he or she should seek to make you feel good. If thats not the case, then the person isnt worth having sex with.
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I don't know if it's that i'm PMSing, or what, but my nic fits last for hours. I just keep crying and shaking... and my thoughts all day long go back and forth from "i just want a bleeping cigarette" to " i hate my bleeping boyfriend for making me quit when i really don't want to".
please tell me if quiting while PMSing is a horrible horrible idea, cause right now, it feels like it.
also, any advice on quiting smoking without gaining a ton of weight would be super appriciated.
thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. (link)
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A large part of the smoking habit is the desire to fidget or satisfy an oral fixation. Finding something to do with your fingers can help.
A friend of mine quit without nicotine gum or anything. Every time he had a nicotine fit he would chew gum and play with a pen he kept in his pocket at all times. It satisfied the "I need to do something" without having a cigarette. He doesnt chew gum as much but he still carries a pen at times to twirl when he needs that nervous habit release.
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Does anal sex feel as good/is as satisifying for
a girl as regular sex is? (link)
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Well thats quite the bitter answer below me. At 35 too... sad.
The short answer is, in fact, no. Physically women arent built to get pleasure from it.
That being said, there are huge mental components of arousal to many sexual acts, and different people gain satisfaction from different things.
Anal sex is something that some people are very into and others are very not. It depends on the person and their own sexuality. I have known women who enjoyed it immensely because the physical sensation while not directly orgasm stimulating was enjoyable for them and the mental aspects and the taboo nature of such an act gave them much satisfaction.
That being said, anal is something with potential to be very painful if not done carefully and done right, so read up on it. Searching for "______ sex instructions" via google or yahoo is a good way to start learning anything about a particular thing involving sex.
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I feel like a total failure. Although I have a lot to be proud of, there is so much that I have yet to do...
I'm 23 and feel like most other people my age are at least doing something with their lives, whether it's going to grad school, starting a job, etc. I don't expect to have "made it" by now (whatever it means) career-wise or anything, but I seriously did not think that I would be where I am today.
To be clear, I already graduated college, thinking that I'd go into grad school or something... the whole process seems to be in the air, I don't have a steady job (aside from helping at my mom's office once in a while), I wake up and go to the library occasionally, only to come back with a head full of doubts.
I understand that I am still young, but seriously, I am doing pretty much nothing with my life and I feel like complete crap at the moment. I guess in a way I already know what to do, but it doesn't make the situation any easier. I still feel like a low life failure. I don't know...any words of advice are appreciated. (link)
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Oi.
Being 23 I'll go ahead and give this one a shot.
My first impulse is to say "suck it up". I'll get to actual life advice in a minute. Before that, I'll address the feelings of failure.
Whining isnt going to help. Sitting here on advicenators asking for direction isnt going to help. Nothing any of us can offer can make you feel like less of a failure. Only you can look in the mirror and say "I dont want to mope around and act like my life is fucked up" and pick yourself up and stop complaining.
Now, to the life advice. It sounds like you live with your parents. Change that. At 23 and a college grad you can get a job and support yourself. Find something. Anything. Get your own apartment. Get your own phone.
If you dont like the taste of that, then get a job, stay at home, and open a savings account into which you can pour 3/4 of every check to save for the future. As a college grad you shouldnt have to settle for less than 10-15 an hour worst case, and with no bills you can pack away a grand a month or more in savings.
While you do one of the above things, think about the rest. Pick a direction you want to go, and go there. And that direction should not be "grad school" unless grad school is pursuing a particular aim.
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If I smoke weed and tell my school counselor .. can they tell my parents? (link)
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Yes.
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Ok, so, whenever I finger myself, and I don't have to pee, when it starts to feel really good, I pee...I think. It looks like pee. I don't know why I do it. And when my boyfriend does it, I feel like I'm going to, but we stop before I do. [That could be embarrassing] Is that normal?
Thanks. (link)
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_ejaculation
Unless you have a medical condition that I'm not capable of diagnosing due to my lack of medical training, this is what you're looking for.
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ok so, im 15 and my boyfriend is 17. and we have been dating for 3 months now, and well we decided like we were going to go to our rec center, which is where the like community pool is and stuff and welll like we arent gonna have sex or anything but theres a family changing room and like the showers have curtains and stuff and we were planning on going in one of those like without bathing suits....and well i was wondering like what should i do because like we are just ognna be making out but what if he accidenlt like goes inn. any suggestions? (link)
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You know, you had me up until "what if he accidentally goes in"
You need to keep your pants on to avoid accidents, because it sounds like getting naked together is probably going to be too much temptation to have you two avoid doing something stupid.
If you cant have enough self control to not have "accidents" then you dont have enough self control to take risks that could lead to "accidents"
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I don't know what else to do, this might be long but I really need help.
I'm 18/f and my bf recently broke up with me since I decided to respect my religion and not "do" things with him when he comes to visit my country next. (We both have diff. religions). So when he was breaking up (he did it online, he lives in another country, he studies there), he threatened me with things like "i will f*** you up so bad", "you will SO regret this", "i will show you what it means to get me angry", "you SO will suffer" and so on. And he will do those things when he visits his family (his family lives where I live..). He knows which uni I go to, and knows where my house is. He beat up his ex-gf before and told me the story as a "warning" not to piss him off.. I'm terrified, I think he plans on physically hurting me. There's about 13 more days till he gets here.. I've already planned on talking to my uni counselor about this but I need help from people around my age. I'm not strong to cope with this, I haven't slept for days getting nightmares of him coming after me, I've considered calling the airport and notifying them not to let him in the country but if I do that, I'd just make a fool out of myself. Please please please, I'm really panicking =*(
Thanks for your time, I appreciate it greatly.
=*( (link)
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Tell friends. Tell family. Notify the people in your life. Do not speak to him face to face. Do not let yourself end up alone with him. Tell him that if he comes anywhere near you you will call the police. Do that tonight.
If he calls and says hes coming over, call friends and have them come over as witnesses and protection. If he shows up, get on the other side of the locked door, tell him that if he doesnt leave you will call the police and that you fear for your safety, and if he doesnt leave within 15 seconds after you demanding he leave, call the cops.
But yeah, first two steps are telling him he has to stay the fuck away from you, and telling your friends and any neighbors you trust about it, as well as your parents. People need to know when hes going to be around and when they should get worried if they dont hear from you.
I dont know him or the risk he presents, but there are other things you can also do. Example, once he arrives pick someone (your parents are a great idea) who you check in with every few hours. Someone who is in a position to help you or raise an alert if you dont check in with them.
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for about two months... and we love eachother a lot!
Im 15 and im a virgin. And he's not! He had sex with his last girlfriend (he says he regrets it because they werent ready). He hints at it sometimes, and i know he definitly wants to. He also said he wouldnt rush me into anything.
We make out a lot, and he feels my boobs and what not a lot. Its usually just fun...
But sometimes we get really passionate and i get really aroused and i want to have sex with him...
BUT im not on birth control yet, and ive never been to the gynocologist. And i dont want to because of its awkwardness and im really self concious about my body...
I have a few questions, answer me what you can...
sorry that theyre sorta rude...but i need to know.
1. My vagina has a lot of skinny flaps in it. And they sorta stick out and they look wrinkly and wierd. They remind me sortof of brains! It really grosses me out... Is this completely normal!?
2. My buttcrack has som hair on it...and i cant get at a good angle to shave it or anything. is this really gross or important at all?
3. Im scared to have sex with him because i know it will be akward and i have no idea what im doing. I dont think hes had sex too many times but i know he has. I want to make him happy but i dont know anything about sex! give me some tips!
thanks in advance. the more info the better (link)
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Ok. First of all. Birth control.
Get on it. If you plan to have sex, at least look into it. The pill is always your best bet for preventing pregnancy.
Similarly, get used to the idea of a gynecologist. If you think you are mature enough to have sex then you should be mature enough to cope with the idea of a professional medical expert making sure you are sexually healthy.
1) Normal. Every vagina looks different. And hes going to be overjoyed just to get to see one.
2) He wont care or notice.
3) Everyone is terrible at sex when they start. Everyone. You only learn by experience. So, if you are going to make the decision to have sex with this guy, then make sure you're making a decision to sleep with someone you will be able to sleep with more and learn a little.
The secret to being amazing in bed is simply to pay attention to your partner and to talk to them.
An honest opinion to close it. You arent ready yet. If you feel like waiting might be a good idea then that means waiting IS a good idea and you're letting your sexual desire overpower your common sense.
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i need help! i think i have a crush on my teacher. He's in his early 30s, blonde hair. It's not a crush crush, just a 'i like to flirt with you crush' because i like his wife and his children are adorable. -It's just that i may spend extra time hanging out with this teacher, and he sorta jokingly pushes me and stuff. and we make fun of each other... this is weird isn't it..? im a senior (link)
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He is married, and has kids. He is also your teacher, and that means his job is dependent on maintaining professional distance with his students. Enticing him could ruin his life. Back off and dont let him know you have any feelings for him.
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Heyy
I was just wondering what lads get out of fingering a girl, like why do they want to do it?
thankyou xx (link)
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Ahh the innocence of youth.
Part of the concept of adult sexuality is partnership. You are supposed to take care of your partner, and in a sexual relationship that means that their pleasure is your personal responsibility.
Towards that end, guys like fingering girls because girls enjoy it. In a healthy relationship both parties like to do things for the other person and have the other person to do things for them.
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I like this guy, but Im not sure if he likes me back. Im 20, hes 27. We're close friends
-He stares nd when I catch him, I ask him "what?" he just smiles and says "nothing."
-If I go 2 the store he usually comes w/ or if hes going to the store he will ask if I need anything or if Id like to go w/him.
-Sometimes we will go and get something to eat, and he will pay.
-I know it sounds immature, but we play fight occasionally, he will swat at my ponytail, poke me, slap at me, or kick me in the butt, I usually get him back, and he seems to enjoy the play fighting.
-When hes over and sits on the couch, he sits next to me. Today actually I had a stack of pillows that I was leaning on and when he sat down, he leaned on the pillows too, so we were sharing. We were laying wih our head and arms almost touchin, and he kept slapin at me and grabbing at my wrist/hands.
I know the easiest way to tell if he likes me is to ask him, but what do you guys think? Thanx in advance for the replies.
(link)
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He wants you.
Probably wants a few signs back that you like him.
Kissing him would probably generate an enthusiastic and highly entertaining response.
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f/16
Last night. My boyfriend and I were alone together in his car. There was no one around at all. We moved to the back of his car and things got pretty heated up, but he knows not to try too much because I've told him that I'm not ready to take my pants off at all yet.
But. He took my hand and put it down his pants.
Since I like him... I wanted to at least try. But I just ended up pulling my hand out and getting really scared. I stopped him from doing anything else. We just stopped completely. I guess that was a bad thing. Because then we just sat there silent in the back of his car. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't really explain anything. Wasn't it obvious? I guess he needed it spelled out for him. When I couldn't do that he got really upset.
He ended up getting really pissed and not even talking to me and overreacting. He started pacing and then just told me to get in the car. At that point I was ready to cry.
So he's driving me home, completely upset and frustrated. And he speeds and runs a red light. A cop pulls us over and he got a ticket.
When I got home late my parents bitched at me and took away my cell phone.
I tried to talk to my boyfriend about things but. He. I don't know. I feel like what he said to me was just.
He told me that he's scared.
I told him that I was upset still and his response was. Well I just got a ticket.. so...
I guess I just. I wasn't ready for what he wanted me to do. I know he probably would have been cool with slowing down but I couldn't communicate and that made everything worse.
Please tell me what you think about everything. Help me figure out what to say to him now, because I don't know how to tell him what I'm feeling. I don't feel like he'd even try to understand.
Thanks. (link)
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Hes inexperienced at dealing with the inexperienced. And hes young, so his patience is probably sub par.
Add to that confusion and sexual frustration, and you get his reaction.
You need to talk to him. Thats it. Just talk. If you cant come up with words, borrow a few. You're nervous. You've never done certain things before and you arent entirely comfortable doing them, even with him. Tell him that you want to try to push your own boundaries and do more, but sometimes you might accidentally push further than you are ready for and when you do that, it temporarily kills the mood for you.
Also, sometimes in life you need a little space. You need to be able to communicate that. Instead of sitting silently, tell him that you need a few minutes to compose yourself and then you can talk to him, and ask him to be patient while you compose yourself.
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I've always shaved my bikini area and I hate doing it. I was thinking of starting to wax. I just have one question, can I have them wax ALL the hair off so there is none at all, or is there a limit to what they will do? (link)
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A beard trimmer with the shortest spacing attachment would work wonders for you my dear. Its almost like shaving, but without the ingrown hairs.
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You know those detox foot pads that like remove toxins from your feet? Well, is there a brand that I could get a store, like CVS or somewhere like that? I really want some, but I don't like to order stuff from 800 numbers. Thanks. (link)
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/sigh
There are no holistic medical benefits from "detoxing your feet" and the first responder whom you gave a 2 because they didnt tell you what you wanted to hear was correct.
Sure, a pad can be designed that helps unclog any pores you might have on the bottom of your feet and to get dirt and dust and such. You will have clean feet.
Clean feet are not worth a 30 dollar price tag and the continuation of medical myth. You cant find "feet detox pads" at CVS because they dont actually have a recognized medical benefit.
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Okay, I'm 18/m and I was just curious if there is an average with the amount of times a guy can cum before losing hardness. For example, i read a lot of comics and magazines and books where the guy cums 3 or four times but I've only managed 2 without stopping. I know people are gonna say something like "don't always believe what you read" cuz I've heard it. So, is there a certain number of times a guy can cum in a row before he's completely done?
Thanks o^-^o (link)
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Varies with age, experience, amount of sexual arousal involved, physical condition, and a few other random variables like how rested you are.
Also varies depending on the timeframe. Some guys might only be able to climax once an hour but can climax once an hour all day. Some guys might be able to do it once a day or less with their sex drives. Some might be able to stay hard for a while and climax two or three times but then are done for the day or for several hours.
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I'm in love with my stepsister. She's fun to be around and jokes around alot and she's beautiful to me. I'm terrified of rejection so what should i do? (link)
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Walk away.
Seriously.
Shes cute. Shes convenient. Shes only halfway related to you.
I'm sure it sounds wonderful.
Dont chase the daughter of your parents later spouse.
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