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I think my husband lies about porn
Okay this is hard for me to do because usually im the one giving the advice. But i guess there comes a time when every advice columnist needs some advice from someone else. I've been married for 2 years and when my husband and i got together i liked to watch porn and he said he hated it. He would never watch it with me and he would always say that it didnt interest him. Several times now i have found porn sites on our computer and i confronted him about it. He says that he was looking for ideas for our sex life. But its like sex story sites and one is a naughty friends site. So recently i found more on there after he says he wouldnt do it anymore. They are pretty much the same sites but one new one is daily jack off stories. I really dont know if i should say something about it or not. He always gets mad when i bring it up. so i dont know if i should risk the fighting. I also have to put in that in the past he would chat with other girls sexually. But i do have to say that he told them he was married. I know for sure that he didnt call them baby or tell them he loved them or anything like that but that time he said he was role playing and getting ideas. So is he lying to me about it or is he really looking for new things for our sex life? Please give me your honest advice as i am honest with the people i give advice to.
Signed....
I think my husband lies about porn!!!!
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You need to talk to him about it. Thats the best advice anyone can give you about this, because the rest of the situation isnt clear enough to give any advice on.
If hes having sexual (cyber sex) chats with other women and you arent cool with that then he needs to stop.
Honestly, I cant say with the slightest degree of certainty whats going through his head, so you need to talk to him and figure that part out for yourself.
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I can't tell you what he is thinking, and you have no way of knowing unless he tells you. All I can tell you on that is he obviously isn't being very sneaky about it if you can see where all he's been going.
Maybe he gets defensive because he is embarrassed? Why isn't he looking for these new ideas with YOU, rather than by himself? Try asking him that.
Maybe he would rather you seek new ideas with him, but is too embarrassed to say so. Or maybe he is afraid of you getting all hurt about it.
If he is tired of the same old routine and is seeking something to change things up a bit, are you doing anything to help with that? I mean, if he is role playing online, I'm sure he would rather role play with you. That is obviously something he has mentioned he had interest in.
You see his interests in black and white (and full color, I'm sure). Maybe try to involve yourself in those interests? You know, try to fulfill said interests in the comforts of your own bedroom? Get him involved in your own interests, too. It certainly isn't all about him.
Is this something worth fighting over? No. It is something that is worth being discussed in a mature manner. Your sex life is something that pertains to you both, and if there is some sort of troubles there, you need to be able to sit down together and work on ways to make it better.
Say to him, "I think we should do something different, what are your ideas?" or something along those lines. Be sure to share your own ideas, as well, because like I said before, it is about BOTH of you.
ygs-29/f
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The problem I see here is that no matter whether you are talking to someone face to face, on the phone/computer across town, across the country, or across the globe, if you are discussing inappropriate things with another person, you are emotionally going to get involved.
You need to make your own decision about the porn (the visuals and the stories). I have an opinion about that but it is none of my business. You went into your marriage making it clear to your husband that you personally liked it so therefore porn has been a part of your marriage since the beginning. HOWEVER, his chatting sexually with other girls is not appropriate. He may tell them he is married but that does not make it right. He is bound to get caught up in that. Your heart/emotions cannot separate these things. I am not for a second suggesting that your husband is having a physical affair... but the truth is that even many married men tell their mistresses that they are married. The women don't care and the affair goes on. Your husband may not be physically sleeping with another woman, but emotionally he is getting satisfied from other women and this is just as bad and can often lead to more.
As I said before, I cannot tell you what to do as far as the porn is concerned... but I can tell you that his chatting sexually with other women needs to stop. He needs to respect you and your marriage enough to chat with YOU sexually if he needs that satisfaction. He should NOT be going to other women for this. If you feel it is appropriate for your relationship, I recommend you get some actual counseling. The order I would recommend would be 1. Confront your husband. 2. As him to go to couple counseling with you. 3. Go yourself whether he wants to or not. Even if you only go to a counselor once and decide you don't really need it... I highly recommend one visit. There is something going on here that is not immediately apparent to you and a counselor can help you find out what it is. There is NO reason for your husband to be getting sexual satisfaction from other women no matter what form he is getting it in.
If he wants to get books and go to sites to get "ideas" for your sex life... do it together. I am not saying that is necessarily a bad idea. My only absolute objection is to him being involved in ANY manner with other women.
You need to respect yourself, love yourself, and care enough about your marriage to not sit by and let this progress. It needs to be dealt with immediately before it gets out of hand. You are worth it.
I wish you the absolute best of luck with this. I only wish more people would get marriage help before they just gave up. Marriage is the hardest thing you can do and you are at that crucial time. Most marriages start to experience difficulties between year 2 and 4 and if they are not dealt with... it only gets worse until there may not be any turning back.
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Geez, I feel like Dan Savage right now.
When he said he didn't like porn, he may have been trying to come across as an enlightened, sensitive guy in order to impress you. Either that, or else he thought you might consider him a complete freak because of his tastes. The chatting with other women is something of a concern: even if he says he's married, that doesn't mean it's OK, unless you have specifically approved it. (I have some polyamorous friends, and that's the rule they use. As long as everybody knows and is OK with it, go do who and what you like.) He may be getting off on the fantasy of being a single guy again. If you're not cool with it, he needs to stop.
Is his consumption of porn affecting your sex life? Are you unhappy with the way things are going? Does he spend more time one-handed surfing than he does with you? If not, then I wouldn't worry too much about him using porn per se. If him looking at porn doesn't bother you, then tell him, so he doesn't have to make promises to you that he won't/can't keep.
You definitely need to sit down and lay out some ground rules. But start off with a positive experience: "Look, I know you like porn, so do I, so let's check some stuff out together." After you've recovered from the experience, then you can get into the nitty-gritty. Lying is not cool, chatting with other women is not cool, the stuff involving balloon animals is definitely not cool, whatever you two decide.
Hope this helps.
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