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I'm totally in shock
I've been in a relationship for about 11months, and this is the second time we are dating.. The first one lasted for about a year and five months then we ended it on mutual agreement.. Two days ago, my boyfriend (now ex) called me and told me that he found his calling and after many years of running away from it, he decided to do what God wants him to and he doesn't want distractions.He also said that the first thing that came to his mind in the list of distractions is his relationship.. He said he wants to cut it off and he loves me but he needed to do so. I was shocked, I couldnt cry or talk, I was shaking allover.. I old him earlier in our relationship that it takes quite a long time for me to fall in love, then I fell in love with him, and now he broke it off again.. I feel sad, wasted, devastated and my friends have been trying to calm me but it's not working.. Everything I do reminds me of him.. What can I do to get over it cs it's hurting me..
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
He said he still loves you. If he considers you a distraction then he must think of you a lot. Just remember that true love is possible.
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I will comment first on the fact that he said God told him to get rid of distractions. And the finality that a relationship with you is a distraction for him.
After all, the reason he broke it off with you is because he says he heard this from God.
I can relate in a totally different way but will tell you my story. I am a grandma now and in looking back, I can understand and with understanding, even it we don't like it or its hurtful, we can eventually find peace for our soul. So here goes:
I never really dated and the first guy interested in me after HS, is the one I asked God about. I'll call him Fred. Fred had been hinting at plans for the future so I asked God one day, should I marry him? The answer came back yes. My parents liked him too and we married. A few months after marrying, he began to change. What I know now is that people show you what they think you want to see and hide what they feel are their imperfections and bad habits. So he started to show more of his real self which turned out to be verbally abusive. He only got worse over the years. We had 3 kids and though he yelled at them, the majority of verbal abuse was directed at me. We met a couple who the male of the couple was ex army and had been a counselor in the army. He recognized some real big issues and talked to my husband about seeing a counselor. Eventually he went a couple times and I went with in the beginning. I overheard him many times say he was only going to make me happy cus he didn't intend to do what the Dr says cus he didn't believe there was anything wrong with him. This was at the end of the marriage. I talked privately with the psychologist and decided that based on the resistance and how long it could take, that I wasn't willing to stay til the end of my life. About that time, God was telling me all sorts of interesting things and remember, God was the one who told me to marry him. The church taught to trust God to heal your marriage so I had always stuck with it. But I was shocked when God told me that He couldn't do anything to heal my marriage because he gave free will to each of us. The husband had been given almost 30 years to learn to treat me better and make tiny steps toward getting better but was getting worse and was resistant. The only way God could fix my husbands decision to resist help was to take away his free will and force him to start treating me well. I also heard from God that if I did not leave him, that I would die from the stress in four years time. Hearth disease and cancer were in my family and I knew those can come along just through extreme stress which I'd been under for decades. God knew my body was about to give out. But I had a choice to stay or go. What I had to do is learn to love myself enough to no longer force myself to take abuse from him or anyone. Can't change him, so the only option to getting rid of that stress is to walk away. I had 2 kids out of the home on their own and the youngest didnt want to come with me. The ex army counselor and wife actually took me in as I left him. He knew I wanted a divorce but resisted that too so I just packed my clothes and a few of my own items, and left. I was tested again with a boyfriend I met and shared an apt with cus I couldn't afford my own at the time and he ended up being as controlling and bad as my husband. I ended it with him too which was scary for me but realized in doing it a 2nd time that I would never allow myself to be abused again. I loved myself 100% where I only thought I did in the past. Its not a loving thing to willingly let yourself be abused.
Looking back, I can see I would never have learned that, which God said was the biggest thing I had to learn in my life, that's why He told me to get married. If it hadn't been Fred, I could have met a guy who also beat me as well. It was meant to be for my learning.
I know its a long story to get to the point but I don't think you would have understood what I am trying to tell you.
So how I relate my story to your BF saying God told him to not marry you could have some very significant reason for something he has to learn in his life that he would not learn if he was married to you. You are not a bad person, but a distraction from what God wants him to experience and learn most in life. God also knows how much this will hurt you.
It's not punishment for you, He loves you equally but he has something to accomplish with BF that you won't understand until later in life. It could be that He also has a plan for something major for you to learn in life that couldn't happen if married to BF or with him life long. He knows all the time invested in this man is gone in the blink of an eye. He knows you don't fall in love easily. But He does know who you need to meet to find love again.
Right now, focus on going thru your grieving completely. Some people will skip steps or get stuck and never progress. Grief doesn't just happen when a loved one dies, but loss of the perfect job and the break of a relationship.It might be very helpful to pick up a book on all the steps of grief. You'll find there's no timeline for completing any steps, just getting through them all in your own time. Once you feel ready again to meet a guy, the kind you can fall in love with, let me know. I'll be here. I have something that God gave to me when I was ready after the ex to meet some one. I followed Gods instructions. It isn't something that works for just one person, but since based on psychology of how humans act and what they need, it applies to everyone and I have been sharing it with many. I call it, how to find Mr. Right. I don't care if its 3 years from now, whenever you ask me, I have this document saved and can paste it in for you. Just refer to what its for if you don't remember a title.
I found it comforting to know God wanted me to make this list. He knows what I need but I had to know what I need and want in a guy so I could recognize it when I see it. That's why when I met the guy who became my second husband, we both had a list of what we were looking for and we recognized it in each other in just a couple weeks and married in two months and after 8+ yrs with him, its still terrific and I'm so glad I made my list. It helped. But only when you are ready dear.
As for pain with the memories, I still see, hear and experience things that remind me of my life with my ex and due to kids, grandkids, I see him pretty regular but the pain is no longer connected to those things. You can't ever forget the things that remind you of him dear, that would be amnesia and you wouldn't remember anything else. Theres no way to selectively have amnesia of only him. So, wait and see how you feel after going through your grieving. At that point, if you still find you spend too much time thinking of him or hurting, then it time to work on your thought life and I can help with that too. Best wishes for your future dear and hang in there. It does get better.
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Break ups are no fun. I have dated a few guys but not many.
Focus on what makes you happy. Try not to think about it and keep yourself busy.
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I wish there is something I could say or do that would make the hurt go away but there is nothing I can do. Having a lover suddenly breakoff a relationship is second only to having someone you live die. You need to grieve and there are many phases of grief one must go through to stop hurting.
Both my wife and my mother would tell you to have a pity party then bait your hook and go fishing again. That there are many fish in the sea and there is a man out there for you.
My advice would be along the same lines but I would suggest that maybe some grief counseling would be helpful. Find a social worker or psychologist to talk with that can help you through this grief period. Anything said in therapy is confidential and stays there.
I would also suggest since you have a hard time falling in love that you use one or more of the dating sites on line to find someone to date and maybe have a relationship with. My son found my future daughter in-law on one and just one look at them when they are together and you can tell they are both head over heels in love with each other.
Since it does take you a while to fall in love you just might need to order up a custom fit in a future lover/husband. That is what these dating sights offer.
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