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humorist-workshop
Clingy girl who appears to have a crush on me.
I am a 16 year old guy and I met this girl on the internet through my friends one day. She is 15 years old and she has a lot of similar interest to me. My first time merting her was from using Skype, where it was my 2 friends her and myself. Due to certain circumstances, my 2 friends had took go and I was left alone with this girl. I don't know how it happened but we ended up skyping for 7 hours straight. She started talking about her life and past, and how she is always alone at school. So as any normal person would, I tried comforting her. I seemed to cheer her up quite a bit and I was quite satisfied with myself that I was able to help a 'stranger' out. After this event, she added me on facebook and we started talking. This was when I started realising some.. Flaws of hers. She started doing many things that was quite annoying. Since I am still a school student, I had a lot of homework but she would force me to skype her everyday from that point on. When I apologised to her and claimed that I had homework to do and therefore had to leave, she put me on a massive guilt trip. This happened countless times. She would say things like 'Oh are you leaving me again? Im going to be all alone.' Things like that. And that was only one of the 'flaws'. She would also hint that something in her life was wrong but when I asked her if she was alright and that I was there for her, she would just reply with 'No it's fine. I'm just sad that's all. Don't worry about me.' Things like that. I'm not trying to be narcissistic or anything but usually, I do care about others and I try my best to help others in any way possible. But after she keept hinting that there was something wrong and would refuse to tell me, I kind of got fed up. So now when she mentions something is wrong, J put close to no effort to find out what is wrong. Lately, everytime she asks to skype, I always tell her an excuse. Whether it be I'm busy or I have to go soon. Sometimes i just ignore her facebook mesages altogether when she tells me to skype. I feel like a horrible person but I cant handle it anymore. I tried helping and being a good person but I dont know what to do anymore. Im sorry you had to read all that. Please advise me on what I should do!
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You don't owe her anything, this exactly what she wants, to guilt trip you into feeling responsible for her. The best advice I can give you is to just cut her off all together, I know it sounds harsh but it's the best thing to do right now. It's not healthy for either of you, if she really wanted your help she would have asked for it.
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She told you she is alone in life. So naturally she is going to cling to someone who doesnt make her feel alone. Rather than totally shutting off (though I understand this kind of person can be frustrating), tell her that she can just relax and be herself. Let her know that she can just tell you what is wrong, and you can see if you can help or not. If you are straight up with her, then she will eventually be straight up with you.
This is how you handle it:
hey girl. i know you are going through a lot right now, and im sorry to hear. if you can hold on until 8pm, then i can really help you better then. talk later. say bye. do homeowork.
call back at 8pm. if there is an attitute, im sorry girl for hurting your feelings but im here now. whats going on.
still an attitute. look girl it seems like right now isnt a good time to talk. so why dont we try to talk tomorrow.
you see what im doing? dont allow yourself to be pushed into a corner or guilt tripped, but still be gentle and understanding. eventually, she is going to have to decide if she wants to actually get help or stay defensive and never get help.
But try to be understanding. everybody needs a friend. some people just happen to be really damaged and dont come across that many people who genuinely care and want to help. its surprising but true. Good Luck.
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I've had to do the same with adults I got close to who became to exhibit some bad habits or even ways of treating me. With some, they'll never get it and the best thing to do is totally ignore them and not respond in any way. WHen you ssid she would force you to Skype with her, I had to chuckle because when i was younger, I made the same mistakes. I gave control over to another person. The truth is no one can force you to do anything. Now if someone held a gun pointed at you and told you to do something or die, that might be incentive to go against your own wishes and your own will and morals. But short of that, no one can force another to do anything you don't want. Its like that say, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" See, the horse has a will of its own and will keep resisting the human cus its just not thirsty or interested.
Yes, she sounds clingy and very needy and I wouldn't be surprised if she has some emotional or mental issues, maybe anxieties like being shy/social anxieties and other fears. Or perhaps she is depressed. But when she says things like, Oh, are you leaving me again..but I'll be all alone!" That sounds manipulative to me. Perhaps she has learned that growing up from having a parent like that and thinks its normal behavior for a person...no wonder a person like that wouldn't have friends. Or maybe she is truly lonely and her parents are seldom there or don't ever give the normal amount of attention and love a child needs growing up so she is starved for attention. A person like her will require counseling to learn to cope but you are not a professional counselor and are not equipped to truly help her past whatever her problems are. To more you are 'there for her' the less opportunity she will have to learn to stand on her own two feet, learn to do some problem solving of her own which may including reaching out to adults who can help her, if not her parents, then school counselors, her church pastor, etc.
If you wish, you might write one last message to her, no Skyping, and make it private, not for all to see on facebook. Let her know that it isnt healthy for her to have only one friend in the world for company who isnt even local but on the internet. SHe needs to learn to interact with others. If there are any problems such as depression or extreme anxieties that prevent her from living a normal life, she needs to reach out and ask for help of adults who can help, like her parents for one, but also her school counselors and pastor if she has one. The longer she resists seeking help, the longer she'll be lonely and having the issues that you are not qualified to help and giving her huge amounts of time on the internet that you don't have to give and can't afford to give, is not going to make her life better. It will only temporarily occupy her and take her focus off her troubles but it won't cure them. You may use that if you wish to write her but also let her know to stop contacting you and thats the last time she'll hear from you. Then don't respond if she does contact you. You have no reason to feel guilty for not b eing able to solve all her troubles. A true friendship should be equal in parts of how the two work together. She may think she's getting something out of it, but are you truly getting anything out of it in return? You just fell into this relationship by accident and wouldn't have sought out someone like this in your school anyways, right.
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Honestly, speaking from my own experience, I would confront her. In as gentle of a way possible, be frank. And, if need be, you might have to tell her it just isn't working out. I understand that it's difficult. But a relationship of any kind, whether it is a friendship or otherwise, needs to be something you feel comfortable with. Clearly, you are not. And please understand that, as hard as it is to have a frank discussion or push someone away, sometimes it is the healthy thing to do. For both of you. Regardless of what you choose to do, I hope this may shed some light on your options.
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