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Should I be upset about this?
So I have this friend let's call her Rebecca whom I was always there for, but she's the type of person to abandon all her friends for her boyfriend. Everytime she and her bf would break up she would call me crying and I would listen. Anyways I have another friend let's call her Carrie, Rebecca and Carroe were really close friends but since Rebecca is glued to her boyfriends hip she told me she hates "Carrie" because she feels like Carrie flirts with her boyfriend. (In Carries defense she's very friendly and anything she does could pass off as flirting) Long story short Carrie and Rebecca stopped talking and Rebecca went on vacation to Colombia. Rebecca recently came back from Colombia now she ignores my texts and Carrie told me Rebecca got her a gift from Colombia. Should I be upset about this? I was always the one there for Rebecca and then she does this. Also btw she never texts me anymore in the first place unless she's on bad terms with her boyfriend when they're on good terms he's the only person she sees. I'm not upset at the fact that she didn't get me a gift, cause I wasn't expecting one but I upset at the fact that she specifically stopped talking to Carrie before her trip, talked behind carries back to everyone, made me make sure Carrie stayed away from her bf, then all of a sudden comes back from her trip with souvenirs for Carrie? That's what upset me the most she was being fake to Carrie but brought her a souvenir and me being always there for her she didn't even bother. What should I do about this situation? I'm always the friend who is always forgotten when it comes to gift giving. Btw we are all 17 & 18 year old high school senior girls
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Theres a saying that some friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I believe this refers to fate, or God or a higher power bringing along just the person you need at a certain time in life or for certain situations. Looking back over my life, I can see clearly the reason, season and lifetime ones.
What I think goes wrong with this concept is
when some humans try to decide to assign someone as their reason or season person. In your example, we've got a gal who probably out of total ignorance is using you for what seems like only a reason, to help cheer her after breakups. The fact she's having so many breakups means that she is doing something wrong with guys as well and I would venture it goes even further, that she has difficulties relating to people no matter who they are, family, teachers, friends, strangers...
Perhaps she will learn somehow as she gets older. I like how missundersmock put it to mention what you feel, like she only seeks you out when she needs you. ( not considering that you or anyone else might need and want her friendship) This is selfish on her part but hey, we all can probably remember moments when we've been selfish. Its only when it continues on and on that it really gets old for those who are feeling used.
So if she has troubles in relating to people, in all relationships, that would cover the buying of a gift for one and not all. There doesnt have to be any sense to her decisions, she only does what occurs to her at the moment, without thinking of others and how someone else might feel overlooked and not appreciated. So what this all boils down to if what you are willing to put up with or not, whether you have expectations of how people should be treating you. Humans have basic needs, to be loved, cared about, have someone there for them, a listening ear, empathy, for fun and activities, to be supported and built up, compliments included, etc. Theres much that goes on that list. You are entitled to want those things from a friend. You only can't expect or force that kind of behavior from someone who isn't willing, isn't ready or mature enough. So its down to a decision of whether or not to allow her into your life at all or even try to spend time as friends. Wait for the future, hopefully when shes matured and if she has, then decide whether to welcome her back into your life. This may mean not seeing Carrie when she's hanging out with Rebecca and you need to let Carrie know.
As for the next time Rebecca comes sobbing, if you want to, then listen, accepting that she only comes to you for her own selfish 'reason' . If you no longer want to do so, don't make yourself available. Tell her you don't have the time to spend with her and that she'll need to go tell her breakup story to someone else right now. When you are not available the next time if she tries again, you will have to let her know that you want to be more than just a shoulder to cry on. And if thats all she's willing to offer in friendship, then she needs to consider you as no longer available for just that. Let her know anytime she's ready to be a full friend, you'll welcome her back, no questions or explanations necessary. This doesnt mean you totally ignore her presence as you see her in passing, You can nod and say hi, but thats not friendship, thats just being friendly. And theres a difference.
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Ok, ive been through this with several friends and since im an outspoken person and usually know how to talk to many different types of people ive confronted friends on this before and gotten a mix of results so im copying you and breaking this down little by little. i hope this helps.
"So I have this friend let's call her Rebecca whom I was always there for, but she's the type of person to abandon all her friends for her boyfriend. Every time she and her bf would break up she would call me crying and I would listen."
Okay if you feel like she only ever calls you after shes broken up with a guy maybe you should talk to her about this and just ask her out right (not in a mean way) but saying something like "hey i have a question and i dont want you to take it in the wrong way but its something ive noticed and been curious about it for a while..." and then say "how come you never really call me unless your going through something?....like with a guy youve just been with?"
And just see what she says? she might feel like theres something about you that makes her feel like she can trust you or that shes able to come to you with things like that because youll understand. You could tell her that you DO understand and that your more then willing to listen as a friend but that you guys never do anything other then that!"
"Anyways I have another friend let's call her Carrie, Rebecca and Carroe were really close friends but since Rebecca is glued to her boyfriends hip she told me she hates "Carrie" because she feels like Carrie flirts with her boyfriend. (In Carries defense she's very friendly and anything she does could pass off as flirting) Long story short Carrie and Rebecca stopped talking and Rebecca went on vacation to Colombia. Rebecca recently came back from Colombia now she ignores my texts and Carrie told me Rebecca got her a gift from Colombia. Should I be upset about this? I was always the one there for Rebecca and then she does this."
Maybe while she was away she realized she was being too harsh with this mutual friend of yours and wanted to make amens with her and did it out of guilt to make HERSELF feel better......thats just an idea idk.
"Also btw she never texts me anymore in the first place unless she's on bad terms with her boyfriend when they're on good terms he's the only person she sees."
Know this about your friend NOW before she calls you again. She is going to continue to go through this kinda stuff until she learns that she cannot put ALL her happiness into one person. It doesnt matter if your in a relationship or not you will always be let down if you cant make yourself happy ASIDE from a relationship with a guy. She makes him her whole world until they get sick of each other and cant take it anymore and then the flame burns out sooner then it should or could have because they smothered each other. some people just never learn and this may be something she will have to learn the hard way.
"I'm not upset at the fact that she didn't get me a gift, cause I wasn't expecting one but I upset at the fact that she specifically stopped talking to Carrie before her trip, talked behind carries back to everyone, made me make sure Carrie stayed away from her bf, then all of a sudden comes back from her trip with souvenirs for Carrie? That's what upset me the most she was being fake to Carrie but brought her a souvenir and me being always there for her she didn't even bother. What should I do about this situation? I'm always the friend who is always forgotten when it comes to gift giving. Btw we are all 17 & 18 year old high school senior girls"
Ok next time, i think the goal you need to reach for here is NOt to be sucked into doing your friend bidding for them. Its not YOUR job to keep someone away from your friends boyfriend because of THEIR insecurities. If she doesnt like a certain female about her man then thats something SHE needs to deal with. If shes adult enough to be dating then shes adult enough to deal with what also comes with that.
What she just did was USE you like a tool or a puppet to make things be the way SHE wanted them to be and even though you may care for her and want to do your friend a simple favor, what shes asking you do to do is not your place or your problem. You need to tell someone when they ask you to do something like that for them that if they have an issue with someone then thats something they need to take up with that person and to not put YOU in the middle of it because as a FRIEND thats not fair. ; )
good luck
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I understand why you are upset. I would be upset too if I were in your position. Honestly, the best thing you can do is talk to "Rebecca." Explain to her that your feelings are hurt, not because of the souvenir, but because you feel like you've lost your best friend. When you have a boyfriend you will understand why is has gone "ghost." Boyfriends are very time consuming, and when you really like someone or love someone you tend to want to put all your time and energy into them, its a sad thing that happens but that's how it works, most of the time anyway. I would just talk to her, nicely. And explain how you feel. Maybe try to set up a girls night.
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