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Identity and self esteem
14/f
I'm usuallyA good kidI do my homework I aced my test and I do what I'm told. I've been recently hating who I am though. I hate how I'm a good kid and how I sometimes do crazy things with my best friend. I hate how i feel fat and annoying. I tried not eating, and when I barely lasted 6 hours I just started exceeding more. I feel like some poeple think I'm weird or a try hard or a teachers pet. I hate how the boy I like sees me only as a friend - and it's not the dating I'm after, it's the fact that someone likes me. Ive been obsessing over how so and so wouldn't have done the stupid thing I just did or so and so would've said a funny remark instead of nodding their head. And I keep hearing how you should be someone you admire. I admire brave, gutsy, smart, and funny people like the ones I read in all my favorite books( throne of glass, mortal instruments, divergent) so I decided I would do something they would do.
Yesterday my history teacher did an activity to make it feel like we were in the time period we were learning about-1800 factory workers and industrial revolution. We had a substitute that day and when we walked in she started yelling at us to color the picture in front of us fast and neat. Within 5 min we figured out that our history teacher was trying to make it like how it was back then in the factories . Thinking that we were supposed to rebel bc of the protesting part of it and the fact that the switch class told us to not do what the substitute told us to do, I told the substitute that I didn't think it was right. She told me to go to the office then. By that time I was scared, I mean didn't the other class say we were supposed to do this? Anyways I came back from the office and was about to explain how I thought we were supposed to protest like the workers did, the substitute got the other teachers involved. So my other teacher walked in started saying how he was so disappointed we couldn't just appreciate the activity and do what we were told. Then the entire class explained to the substitute that we weren't trying to be disrespectful, we just did what the other class told us to do that was in her class previously. By then , I realized what I got myself in to . I apologized over and over again and tried to explain but this woman was like "well you have into peer pressure " ok so that was yesterday. Today I came in and my real history teacher was angry. And sad. My friend Bianca told be that in the morning she saw her tearing up bc she was so sad she put so much work into that lesson and that my class ruined it. She also heard the substitute(who's involved in the play I'm in) say that I was "trying to act like in the play" or something. The other teachers also were saying that they couldn't believe that a student did something so disrespectful. Then when we came into class I apologized and she said "go sit down" so I didn't get to explain. Then she told us that because of our actions we had to write a 6 paragraph essay that was due by the end of school about some guy who invented the cotton gin. At lunch I came in and sort of explained it but she still said I'm so disappointed and all this other stuff. The entire class hates me now, even though they're telling me it's not my fault I see they hate me for it. And my favorite history teacher now hates me too.
The whole thing stemmed from me trying to be someone other people would like and admire and even then I messed up. My dad is also going through cancer rn so I feel randomly depressed at school bc of it and I want to cry but then ik people will think I'm overreacting.
I always do my hair(somewhat) and put together outfits in hope it will solve my problems. It doesn't. Having good hair doesn't change what's going on no matter how much I wish it does. I'm now dreading to go to achool. I stopped answering questions in her class and participating. Now I'm comparing myself to other girls in my class who would've never done that and aren't stupid like me.
Please don't give me the typical mom advice. I need something that I can actually do that might stop the guilt in my chest from exploding and the way that I avoid talking to some people bc Im starting think they hate me for what I did.
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Okay Im going to go ahead and say this: "Girl,you need to pull yourself together and relax!" I understand that in these times its hard and depressing but dont forget there is always someone there to back you up.Based on what you said,let me tell you,you must be the most beautiful person ever! Why? Well because the most beautiful people are the people who dont know they are beautiful. Stop drowning yourself in those negative thoughts and put some light into them.Dont get all sad because of an incident like this! Its not your fault and you know it.Getting back up is what counts.Take a deep breath and walk the halls like you own it! You deserved it.Be confident and know that you are special and beautiful inside and out. When its better you will see you dont have to be like those other girls. Being normal is overrated! Be special.Im sure it will turn out fine!:)
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I think you have a lot going on in your life right now and trying to be someone your not is just adding to the problem. I really do not think your classmates hate you if they did no one would tell you that it was not your fault. As for your teacher I know she does not hate you. Did your friend know for a fact that your teacher was sad and tearing up over a blown lesson plan. If she did not talk to the teacher and get the facts then she made an assumption. Old saying about the word assume. When you break it down it read ass/u/me. Is it possible the teacher was sad over something else? Being absent the day before may have earned her a warning from the principal it may have been the warning and not the lesson plan she was sad over. Don’t ever assume, get the facts.
Young teenagers have a lot going on in their lives. More is expected of them, puberty is changing them especially girls. There is a whole new social order to contend with and many other things. You have the added problem of worries over your dad's health.
It is really hard trying to be someone or something you’re not. Most people cannot pull it off. It comes off as false and people see right through it. That's when friends and kids in school will turn on you. Your job right now is to be the best you that you can be. Be the girl you wrote about in the beginning. Getting good grades, staying out of trouble, most importantly love yourself for you need to be strong for your mom and dad while he fights this illness.
I learned something late in life that I should have learned while in school as it has really helped me be a better person. What I learned is the only person I have to be better than is me. What I mean is if I can be a better person tomorrow than the one I am today then I have grown in many ways. If I have grown that means I learned something, added value to something, participated in something that was meaningful to me, my family or community or as a salesman to my customers.
Being in sales and sales management I found that the motivation used was always to pit one against another. That didn't work well for me. When I found this motto I wound that pitting me against me was the best motivator as it worked. I didn't have to worry what the others were doing only about me. Moral of the story, the company had five regions and I was one of the top 5 salesman in the company and had the top region more times than not.
My advice is to be you and not worry about what other people do or say. Your teacher likes you for who you are and so do your friends. Your 14 and so are the boys you spend most of the day with. Give them time they will eventually warm up to you. Most are still trying to figure things out as you are and many are afraid to ask a girl out. If there is a boy you like go talk to him ask him to go out. When I was your age it was wrong today there is nothing wrong with a girl asking a boy out.
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I am a firm believer in Erickson life stages. You are probably in the identity vs role confusion. You seem confused. What you going through is normal for many people. Don't bit yourself to hard over school issues. Peer pressure is a big pressure nad can be harmful for you. Try to put your priorities first. In this case your dad and school work. Prioritize what really matters for you. Everything else will follow. Good boys are gonna follow good focused girls. There is a time for everything. You are not alone..
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