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My dad dislikes my boyfriend...help please?
Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for over 4 months now (we'll be 5 months in a week or so and our relationship is getting pretty serious) . Anyways, so my boyfriend is mixed...his mom is white, his dad is black. His parents are married, he lives in a house, his family is Christian, etc. My mom has already met his parents and they seem to get along great as well as my mom doesn't have a problem with my boyfriend! My brother likes my boyfriend too, but my dad doesn't and it's all because my boyfriend is biracial and he isn't white . My boyfriend has never really been over at my house to hang with me , only for my birthday party (when we were still friends) and my dad walked in on us cuddling . This stresses me out very much, just what can I do to get my dad to actually get to know my boyfriend and to get over the fact that he's mixed?
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Have you ever known your dad to be racially biased? As a dad myself having long ago gone through this stage of life I can tell you dads see things much differently when it comes to their daughters than with their sons.
It has been written many times and said even more; a daughter will always be daddy's little girl even when she grows up and has a family of her own. A son is expected to grow up and be a man. Is it possible as missundersmock wrote that your dad is just not ready to see you in a relationship with anyone?
I would say that even thinking your dad is racially biased towards your boyfriend is a direction you should not go in without knowing for sure. The fact that you, your mother and your brother have no biases towards your boyfriend tend to lead me in the direction that dad has another problem with your relationship.
While I do not have a daughter I have helped my sister raise her two daughters. We live less than 2 miles from each other the girls were required to introduce their boy friends and boyfriends to me just as you might be required to do with your dad. My one niece brought over a boy I and her mother never liked. There was nothing really not to like he just wasn't someone we saw for my niece. Long story short she married him, against our advice and then divorced him 2 years later. She is now married to someone we all love and has a 2 year old child with a second on the way." I'm not saying this is the case with you and your boyfriend. What I am telling you is that parents are not blinded by love and we see things that you may not see. It may not be the color of his skin or the fact that his parents are of two different races that your father disapproves of.
My advice; talk to mom as she knows your dad best. Ask her why your dad doesn't like your boyfriend. If mom is evasive then maybe you’re right. If she gives you a reason you can deal with then go talk to dad and explain why you believe he is wrong. It could be that dads’ bias is simply what all dads believe for their daughters; “That there is no man good enough for them.” If this is the problem relax it will pass as he gets use to the fact you are becoming a young lady.
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How old are you?
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Are you sure its because hes mixed? maybe your dad feels your too young to be in a relationship? or maybe wasnt HIMSELF ready to see you with a male like the way he did that day?
I mean there could be more to this then just the fact that hes bi-racial here. Sometimes parents have certain ideas about how they'd like their kids lives to turn out and when it doesnt follow that path (and it usually wont because you are your own person) they get all up in arms over it and have alot of processing and internalizing along with mixed feelings. Sometimes your child getting into a "relationship" of this sort is also a big slap in the face that their getting old now and this can scare them.
I say try to sympathize with him, as he may be going through some things too right now. Alot of times kids dont think of how their parents feel, because up until a certain point every things always been all about you. ((not that i think your self centered here thats not what im getting at ALL))
But that parents are humans too and have feelings and certain ideas about things, and when life swerves off the path they thought it was on, they can sometimes feel like life has been turned upside down.
If he was totally ok with you up to this point and then is just NOW acting like this then consider that there could be more to it and maybe try to calmly sit down with him and ASK him if what hes saying about your boyfriend is what he really means or if hes feeling scared because youve started to begin dating and hes having mixed feelings about it. Then let him know that its OK, that your a GOOD judge of character usually and that aside from his race, you wouldnt have given this boy a chance if you didnt think he was worth it at all.
Ask him to just trust you for once, and let him know that you dont expect him to agree with everything you do in life but that you DO expect him to act civil towards the people you value and bring around.
Now, when you talk to him, make sure he is relaxed and calm, ignore anything dumb he might say, dont get hot headed because getting angry wont lead to any kind of resolution with him, and if he wants to talk, then stay quiet and hear him out. (or at least pretend to) this will make you look WAYYY more mature to him and like you can have those "adult talks" now.
If he simply says its just because hes mixed, then i would ask where his chain of reasoning is right now because pulling the race card on someone doesnt mean anything anymore, nor does it define who he is as long as he was raised in a good family, which you already investigated and found out that he IS.
If your father is the type of person thats unwilling to be open to new things and or new people then life for him has probably been very difficult and will continue to be. Acting like that cuts off new and better opportunities simply because they dont want to be around someone who is mixed. I would also CALMLY remind him of this and then leave him to it for a while to think about.
Let him know that there WILL be things that he will not be included in BECAUSE of the way he acts, concerning mixed people and that youll all be sad that hes not there but when he decides he wants to get over that then youll all welcome him to join in, no questions asked. ((sometimes people, even adults have to be told "if you dont want to play nice your going to sit on the side lines until you do"
Then let him know that youd like him to think about what youve talked about here for a while. then dont bring it up again and dont bring the boyfriend over for a while so that he can really think about what doing something like this to his own child means. Then do nothing when youve come home from a date with him but talk loudly to your mother about the fun and great things youve done together while your were out and what things HES doing to improve his life for the future.....soon he will see that it doesnt matter what race he is at the end of the day but that this young man whats better for himself AND for you, and your father may just start to come around.
good luck! ; )
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