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How do you stop being friends with someone?
I'm 13 and I have a friend. She is really nice and I enjoy spending time with her, but she is completely obsessed with me. She follows me around everywhere and is constantly texting me. She is nice and all, but I need my space. Me and my best friend are trying to have a conversation, and she feels the need to know exactly what we are talking about, and in detail. She can't not know something about me and its starting to creep me out. She is always texting me. I know its quite mean, but sometimes I say that I have to go just to get away from her. I want to still be friends, but not that close that she basically stalks me. What should I do? She is also always touching me. She will grab onto my arm or hug me or whatever. This seems so weird to me. It may just be that I have bad personal space issues, but it really bugs me.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I think I understand your situation. In this case, the best thing to do is to consistently communicate your feelings, always using I-statements. An "I-statement" is a way of confronting someone without sounding accusatory or aggressive. There are many different models of the proper way to make an I-statement (sometimes called an I-message). This link has a few examples: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location). Generally speaking, an I-statement consists of
1. Your feelings ("I feel sad...") ("I feel angry...")
2. The event that makes you feel that way ("... when you don't play with me.") ("... when you borrow my things without asking.")
3. A proposed solution, or a conclusion. ("Can we find a time to play together after you're done with your other friends?") ("Can you please ask me next time before borrowing my clothes?")
Let's say your enthusiastic friend comes up to you and grabs onto your arm. Something you can say is, "Hi! It's good to see you, but I feel uncomfortable when you grab my arm like that, or hug me. I really like to have a lot of personal space. Do you want to come up with a handshake or something else instead?" That way, the way she makes you feel is not her fault - and it isn't, after all. Maybe she hugs and touches other people, and they don't mind. The same applies when she tries to pry on your conversations with your best friend, but I would wait until your best friend leaves so you can speak to this girl privately. You can say something like, "I feel frustrated when you ask for all of the details of my personal conversations with (insert BFF's name here). There are some things that I like to keep just between BFF and I, just like there are things that I keep between you and me. I also feel irritated when I have to interrupt my conversation to explain all of the details to you. Do you think that next time you can wait until after I'm done talking with BFF to ask questions, or maybe if something seems personal, do you mind not asking about it, and I will share details when I am ready?" Of course, this sounds formal and scripted, but you will know how to speak to her in a friendly, casual manner.
As for her constantly texting you, you will just have to continue making excuses, saying that you're busy and can't talk, etc. Unfortunately, telling someone that they text you too often will likely make them never text you again, and may be a little hurtful. I'm an adult and still have to make silly excuses sometimes. That's just how it is.
I hope I have helped!
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Some friends hug and it is normal for them. I have also known people brought up in homes where little affection and hugs were shown so it felt awkward and abnormal to them and made them feel uncomfortable. I know such people for whom it took years to get used to me. I dont know you whether this is the case for you or whether its just your personality and you don't like anyone, not just this girl in your personal space but everyone has a personal space wish. If a person came to stand one foot apart to talk to me, someone I dont know well, I'd feel uncomfortablle, for example. Some require others to be an arm length or more away and everything in between. I dont feel this is your issue, Its more something lacking in her life. She may be lonely, have no concept of what appropriate social behavior is or even have some kind of hard to see...social disorder. Due to the age, 13 or thereabouts, its more likely that awkward time of ones life when all is a learning process and she hasn't gotten the hang of it as easily as you. As the other person said, Don't use words like you are acting obsessive or clingy as it hurts and won't help her at all the change and adapt her behavior. Be sure not to use words like you make me feel, but instead personalize it and say "I feel crowded and stressed when I don't get enough breaks, time between my contact with each of my friends and time alone. This isn't for me just time hanging out but conversations with each friend. I dont always want to be in a group setting and share each conversation with each group member. I feel better having private conversations with you with no one else asking what we talked about, the same as I enjoy talking to Jodie and not having anyone including you asking me what we talked about. Don't worry, I have nothing to hide and am not talking about you behind your back. You also need to set limits to personal space. Tell her its the same for e veryone, you just don't feel comfortable with people touching you often, or at all, like touching your arm, holding hands or hugging. If you're okay with a hug goodbye when parting ways, then let her know your limit is just one goodbye hug. There is always a chance that she like many teens at this age are questioning their sexuality and because of her strong need for this friendship is interpreting her strong friendship feelings to be something more and is making overtures. Then again, perhaps she really is gay or bi and you are her main attraction. Even so, whether a guy or a girl, never giving ones object of desire their own space can kill a friendship by basically pushing a person away for want of space . I think it is best to just keep remindinng her. You might also try finding out what her home life is like. She may be ignored or not get love there and is attention starved. It would help give you perspective to know what other things in her life may be causing her to be this way. Then youd be in a position to say, I know how you are ignored at home and you need love and attention. thats important but I can't be the only source of all that you need. I will give you what time I can but then I expect you to allow me time to myself or to other friends and if you still have a need for attention, you'll need to get it from other people. If its that you dont have many friends, maybe I can help give you ideas how to find some new friends to add to your list of friends. Hopefully that helps you.
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Hey!
I understand your issue, sometimes when a person finds a friend and they feel close to them they start obsessing, they learn about you and start making your interest' theirs too. So they like the same music as you, same food, same games etc.
If they follow you around a lot and feel like they're hanging off you should talk to them, avoid using words like, obsessive and clingy, you don't want them to feel like you're against them, try telling them that you feel that they are spending a lot of time with you and you don't want to start getting angry at each other because you see each other so much. Make sure you tell her you still want to be friends but she needs to know that you also need time for yourself.
I hope this helps in some way!
- DanSkittles, 23, AU.
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