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How to talk to my Dad?
Hi :) me and my dad had a huge argument about 18 months ago and we haven't really talked since then. It was pretty serious what he did but I decided to let it go with the urge from my step-dad who said to give him another chance.
We sat down and had a meeting about how I felt and all of that crap but even after I opened up, he was still acting like a high and almighty person who never made mistakes. But still, I'm trucking on.
I don't know what to say to him anymore to start a conversation. It will go something like:
Me: Hi
Him: Hi, how was school?
Me: Good, I didn't learn much.
Him: Oh, that sounds eventful. Work was boring.
And then we say goodbye. Even before our relationship went downhill, that is how it was. And we used to do that nearly everyday. I don't know what to do about it anymore.
Any tips?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
'Parents' the best gift of God. In Islam Allah says that 'the heaven is under your mothers feet'. This means that the only way you can enter heaven is if your mom is happy with you and as far as respect of both mom n dad is concerned it speaks in great detail.
As far as your talk with your dad is concerned it can only change if you make him feel that you love talking to him and you love listening to him. Call him on special occassions, ask him to give you time, ask about his health, ask if he needs something. I don't know your age and gender, email me with your name and gender and I LL go in detail of how to improve your relationship with your father. May God be with you as you are on the right path.
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!8 months is quite some time ago. If things haven't resolved yet, my instinct says, it won't unless something different is done to handle what started this in the first place.
I will assume that both you and Dad had a great relationship with no problems talking to each other before 'the incident'. You mentioned a huge argument but then say 'it was pretty serious what he did. I will also figure you didn't mean the arguments were what was pretty serious, but what he did to you that caused the argument in the first place. In case it's more about What he did rather than having always lived with a Dad who has to always be right, I need to cover some things the others didn't. Forgive me if I am jumping to conclusions, but it sounds unresolved to me, like two people trying to maneuver around an elephant filling up the room as you try to pretend its not there or has been already kicked out. Emotionally, you are not over it and because this is your Dad and you love him despite what happened, you may have felt that the best thing to do was to sweep all your feelings under the rug including the one of where he didn't seem genuinely repentant for what he did, or the apology was not sincere. Yes, we can tell when that kind of thing is not sincere. I have read about what starts anxieties and and other emotional problems for people. One of those reasons is a 'Nice" person who doesnt want to rock the boat or fight or argue, just try to accept what has happened by sweeping the problem under the rug and trying to go on. That is why I said earlier, this will not go away until you can let him know you are still not okay with what happened, because it still feels unresolved. When talking, dont use You statements. Like you didnt really seem sorry. Instead, I felt then and still do that there wasn't a genuine feeling sorry and so I also fear its something that could happen again. Now you mention a step dad urging you to ignore and let it go with your birth dad. Again, you likely went against what your feelings and instincts were saying and tried to drop the issue to also show step dad that you can be a Nice person. But that also didn't help you. You now felt you didn't have support from other family, that Dad shouldn't be held responsible in his position as your parent, for whatever it was he did.
I can't end this without telling you that myself as a person, when I hear someone say it was real serious, my mind tends to think of worst possible case scenerio, such as being hit by someone, which is assault and battery and a felony, and then there is also rape, another felony. Just in case one of these applies here, let me remind you if it was some other person, non family, someone off the street who did this, the police would have been involved. We tend to not want to mess up the lives of family if such a thing is involved and may feel guilt over doing so if it is just a One time occurance. It may well be. But your mind isn't reassured of this because in most situations, where a person is capable of any kind of violence, they will at some point repeat that action if they don't get professional help. It doesnt matter if it was stress that drove them to do it, depression, or perhaps some kind of mental issue that until now has never been diagnosed. I'm only covering this angle as no one else did.
On the other hand, if this is nothing more than both of you just having poor communication skills and not willing to be real and open with each other, perhaps reading a book on how to communicate better might be a good project for both of you to go through to gether. Take turning reading to each other and sharing what you feel about what was read and be willing to do any exercises the book mentions, then perhaps there may be a change. I only wrote what I did in response because what you wrote made this sound much more serious. I wish you the best in resolving what ever this is.
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I think lots of Dad's are like this, when you live together you run out of things to talk about very quickly. But doing something simple like watching a film together can give you something to talk about and get you closer together. It's good that you are trying to give him another chance, and it sounds like it hasn't changed your relationship with him, which is good. However, if you want to get closer to him then maybe you could watch a film together and talk about it or go out with him somewhere, in that situation you have nothing else to do but talk, and in talking you may find a common ground. Good luck, I hope things get better.
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I know exactly how you feel for my father was always right even when he was wrong. He would never admit to me or my sister he was wrong. If we got into an argument with him he would give us the silent treatment until we apologized and admitted he was right and we were wrong.
Not knowing what the argument was about or the actual outcome other than causing a rift between two of you. The only suggestion I could make is to consider making some type of amends for the argument you two hand even if that means telling him he was right and you were wrong.
Frankly I don't agree with my own suggestion for it is just as wrong to say you don't mean just to mend a fence. You have a stepfather who by urging you to mend this fence must be a good man.
I don't know what the relationship between him and your father is or the relationship your father and mother now have. It might be better if your mom or stepfather approached your dad about this so you don't have to say anything you truly don't believe.
I did just that once when I was around 15 years old. I went to his father, my grandfather who I had a wonderful relationship with, and told him about my father's childish ways. I had grown tired of my father's silent treatments or being blamed for his short comings. My grandfather did talk with him and it helped at least until I left for the Air Force and I was no longer living under his roof.
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Well this is a tough one because theres either something obviously wrong with him, OR hes been stressed out for years over lots of different things and it can sometimes come out on others even though its not intentional. Sometimes when someone says "thats just their personality" i feel personally, that thats bullshit. I feel this way because No one WANTS to be negative and depressed all the time ok.
Maybe his life didnt turn out how he thought it would, i mean theres alot of angles here that we could look at this from but sometimes father son relationships are like this simply because you might have not felt interested in something he felt you might have liked when you were younger and he feels let down by that. Also sometimes if you dont like the same things HE likes that can also be a factor because he really doesnt know how else to try to bond with you and didnt think ahead enough to think "ok what if hes not interested in the things i am as he gets older??" thus creating a barrier for bonding. see?
is there anyone else he talks to openly about how he feels about things? maybe your mom or someone who CAN get answers out of him about whats going on??
all you can do right now is try to be nice, and if he needs help just be the first one to try to pitch in when he needs it. This will show that you WANT to be there for him because he IS after all your dad and "we all need help sometimes"
If you go out to eat with him, just look him in the eyes and calmly ask him what hes thinking about?? then be quiet and listen, stay CALM and do NOT let your emotions get in the way. He may just open up if your willing to sit there and stare at him and hear him out.
If he gives you a short answer just be like ohh ok what else?
and then if he tries to give you and attitude and turn it around on you then just be like "oh ok well ive been thinking about..(and insert your own answers here about choices or decisions your being faced with right now) and then allow him to talk to you about them if he wants to. AGAIN sit there, hear him out (even if he says some dumb shit you dont agree with) and then CALMLY say something back like "yeah....thats an option...but if i do that then, (this or that might happen and i dont want to hurt anyone) or something to that effect.
this is called sitting down and talking like adults. He might find this to be very refreshing and happier afterward because he knows he can now talk to you like a reasonable adult. (not that i think your not one but HE needs to know that)
now i cant tell you what exactly to do in every single situation but you could try casually watching tv with him and just watching whatever he is watching and talking to him during the commercials. men do things like this, they talk about tv shows each other might be interested in, and ask them if theyve seen this or that on tv. things like that.
good luck, you can let me know how it goes and if you need more advice please inbox me. ; )
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